I thought it was nice to ask people what they were thinking at times, to show modest interest in another person's well-being or their opinions at the very least. Of course, then it turns into a personal exposition and dissection of every flaw the inquirer has just because the ask-ee is so wound up all the time that they physical start hitting their own head, calling the other person insane and then assaulting them with a string of curses in between every word in their next series of sentences.
This is why I do not talk to my grandfather much, because I start my morning with a simple greeting "what would you like today?" that evokes such a spiteful outburst when he begins to complain about my apparent over-consumption of food and his distaste for my weight and appearance. Then after loud arguing and me often ending up crying (I don't wail really anymore, just get the tears and shaking voice; I'd go hoarse if I did as much as I used to in my teen years) he comes and rationalizes his behavior over stress he feels to make financial ends meet on insurance payments. Is it really fair though that I have to take all his hate and distress all the time? Certainly not. Insurance payments would still persist even if I ceased to exist.
He says I pick at him when I clearly do not. I never start arguments nor even finish them as i just leave when I'm too emotional or otherwise stop saying anything, sometimes even stop moving. Of course, I'm the one that he wants locked away, or so his angry exclamations say. Yet I don't even curse when mad, the biggest insult coming from me being "stupid!" or "dumb!" when under the knife. So clearly I'm the one with the problems. And then he wonders why I hate going anywhere, because he makes me feel so insignificant, that at even the slightest showing of human kindness from me is met with indignation, there is no good I can do for anyone.
You can attempt to make logic for his actions, but what does that solve anyway? Clearly he isn't trying to understand why I'm so anti-social, preferring the solace of my room for most of the day. At least I'm able to vent and sate my emptiness occasionally by talking with people as I often try to do on AIM to varying degrees of success. Emptiness that was caused by my mother's lack of parental guidance (in part because of her own mom, my grandmother; I'm not without a soul, I'd never solely place the blame unjustly on any single person) and further impacted by my grandfather's bigotry. You know, I'd be very happy to shout out "well I AM GAY, SO WATTS IT TO YOU!!". Very frightened of his rejection because no one else would bother to provide my basic needs, but yeah, still happy just to have it out. But, I don't really want to give him another reason to feel upset and confusion over me. I never want anyone to worry about me, that's my own business to deal with, ya know?
He acts like I'm so unhealthy when there's a lot that is harmful that I don't eat. It just upsets me. I even try to even go entirely vegan for a time and its just... then one random night he asks me if I want baloney. I mean DAMN! You who complain about everything I eat and then you offer me something I actually don't want that does me NO health benefit!? I hate hypocrites. That is why I'm as personable offline as online. Sure, I'm not going to be the one driving to your place w/ flowers and chocolates, but you will be most welcome if you did take time to knock on my door. I would be as honest and schizo as I seem whenever I write these entries, hah! (no offense to actual schizophrenics)
A friend asked me a short time ago to check out MLP: FIM. I'm not going to tell you what the letters mean if you don't get it, because really, I don't care about it enough to be bothered. You want my opinion on this fad? It's simply that, another dumb fad. Oh, but that's not the worst part. The terrible agony is that my friend expected me to like it because they assimilate such mind-raping with the cartoons I actually prefer to watch. Well, of all the narrow-minded assumptions to ever make! Ugh. Doesn't help my esteem, when it ever manages to be somewhat cognizant, gets hammered to bits by my own family. Then my friend, my friend who is as dense as bricks and can't accept love from a good person (am I over him? yes; am I over the stupidity he puts me through? no, because that's what real friends do; even when you're rotten, real friends will still be there, and don't you DARE think I don't want to be, I love him that much, that is true friendship) wants me to watch a kid's show with the most cliched characters based off of toys that have no value other than being health hazards to infants? *headdesk* ... that would hurt if I did given my desk is wooden and like hell am I going to do something as stupid as that ...
Everyone is always assuming other people can't empathize with their shit. You know what? Taking a life is wrong. Letting fools push you around is just as wrong. Be your own person. Don't kill anyone because they're going to die eventually anyway. If it's too much, then don't hasten your own end because NEWSFLASH! that's just as idiotic. Sometimes, the best thing is to just cry...
Ciao~.
