You have been warned...
Well, in part it's 'cause I just haven't put anything on this blog in a few months and I don't like to leave things dry for too long, y'know? Where do I even start... it's not that I even had much going on; truly, I didn't. But of course I had plenty to think about, such is my way. I'll start by visiting my most recent thoughts which ironically, involve the past.
It's strange how people can vastly grow apart in as little as 6 years of no contact with the other. If there's anything I do regret about my high-school experience, it would be letting people affect me as much as they did. Not that such things deterred me much, but because of my open nature, it was and is easier for me to be hurt and offended by other people. It's bad enough I would often walk home to an empty house, but my classmates made it hard on me. This is in part because I wanted to be accepted, to be loved--things that have been in short supply from my family. The only family member I'm sure loves me (the way I feel a family should) is my grandfather and it's near impossible for him to express those emotions. I don't have a father, my mother ignored me for the better part of my school-going life and still now only calls when she feels like it. Am I asking too much to want to have her call me like once a week? That seems reasonable for a parent and child, no matter how old you are *sigh*. Since my mother put my two younger sisters up for adoption shortly after their birth, I never had kids even marginally close to my age around me very much outside of school. And my grandmother wants nothing to do with me (why? I don't understand that at all...). It's even harder that I'm bisexual (well, mainly homosexual) and can't mention that or I will forfeit my housing. I'm not joking about any of these facts; at times I wish I were because most of my history sounds ridiculous even to me who lived through it.
Okay, back to school. So, after I had left boarding school (my grandfather "says" I was kicked out but idk, the staff of MHS never really said "you're expelled", moreso, "we think you'd be better off leaving; it's hard for you to live at the student homes"; well no shit, Sherlock! You try living with 10 or more other random kids and two adults who aren't your parents when you still actually have parents!) I came back to the school district where I had started (went there for Kindergarten). Of course I remember having gone there and stuff and some people I knew before I still was able to reconcile with. Okay, I'm going to drop first names here but f*** if I care; it's not like I was even noticed much by anyone--if I were, they sure never showed it much. So I re-met Kelly and we got along okay but idk, she was sort of the butt monkey of our grade in a way. I hated that people viewed her that way. I also was teased a lot, but moreso by upperclassmen at first who mocked my carefree and emotional nature (if I was happy I skipped occasionally; I mean literally Sound of Music Maria skipping) and called me gay because of that. Amanda, who I used to hang out with at a young age, physically bullied me and I had to ask the guidance office to change my schedule for that reason mainly. This is the main part of my "people growing apart" bit above. I never felt animosity from her in kindergarten. Even a boy whose fingers I accidentally (honest) slammed in a door, Mike, was friendlier to me than her and I have no clue whatsoever why. Maybe I just bothered her somehow; maybe she resented my "gay" behavior, idk. Why is it a crime to smile, to enjoy school and learning, to want other people to be so happy they burst into song? (Yes, I've done this). My other main friends from before were guys but one became a clownish fop (Tom) and the other was all, "only have time for my girlfriend" and a bit of a sports jock no less ("Robbie"). If you want to know, I do wish I could have had a better relationship with Amanda because she didn't seem like a bad person to me, but it was near impossible to get near her since she mostly just stuck with her friend, Kristi (dunno if it was spelled that way). Soon after returning I met Scott who was pretty nice; kinda energetic though and Phil who was sorta eh... can I say he's like a guy you wanna occasionally punch because he bugs you in some way but you don't because you don't want to bother with the consequences? Yeah, that. The other main Phil in our grade went by PK and we never really collaborated on anything. He seems okay though, I'd rather have a drink with PK than the other guy. Oh, there was another Phil who I shared more interests with (sort of) though he had moved away after 11th grade. My main friends, or acquaintances at least, were ladies. Brianne, Sara, Devoureaux (I think, might not have the first u) and later Brittany. Or was it Britney? Stupid different spellings for the same name, dude! My main guy friends were Zach and Roger, who were a year ahead of me and Tyler who was more of an acquaintance but I could talk to him about my ideas for video games. He was really laid back and kinda looked half-asleep a lot, lol, but he was an all around good fellow. My best friend from school would turn out to be another guy with the same name, but I don't talk much about him. In part because he seems to be going through a really wigged out time right now, so I offer this much respect, y'know?
I would have like to have been somewhat more involved in Bri, Sara and Devi's lives; because I respect them as people and yeah, I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them. I only really saw them at lunch asides from classes we might share. Devi was overall the nicest towards me. Bri kinda joked around with me a lot but I feel that was her way of accepting me. I know this sounds awkward but part of me really missed my mother even though she was not very involved in my life. My mother, herself, seems to really like music and stuff and I know she's had an iffy history with sex and the like (hello, that's how she ended up birthing me). Bri was sorta like my mom and also like the mother figure I wanted to have--one who cared about me and openly expressed it in their own way. While she was also harsh towards me at times, I don't think I would have been able to finish at all if not for Bri's support. And it hurt, a lot, that I couldn't be with her more as her own support. If she was a queen, I would have wanted to be her knight. In our senior year, Bri became pregnant and I'm sure it was difficult for her... yeah well, somehow I finished school that year but it was not easy for me and my fragile psyche. At times I would just be so filled with anger, sadness and lethargy that I'd have to excuse myself from class to sit and let my tears pour in the guidance office rooms. Sara was Bri's best friend and seemed overall like the most level-headed of the three. I always thought of her as having this elegant presence and she was nice to look at overall, tall, fairly slender and naturally nice in appearance. The main thing that kept me just being a tagalong to them at school was the fact that they smoke (or have smoked) cigarettes. Dunno if they've been able to quit since then, but I hope they're well regardless. Sara made me really depressed the last week of school when she essentially said I was worthless. I can't even begin to fathom what possessed her to say it and maybe she didn't mean to be saying it to me but... that was ultimately the last straw for me and I chose not to attend my graduation because I just wasn't close enough to any of my classmates to go through with it. And my mother couldn't get a flight in anyway, so there'd be no point for me. Yes, my grandfather would have attended but he's always been there... he doesn't have anything to validate with me because his actions have shown enough. Even though I do wish we could communicate better, still.
Yes, that was nearly 5 years ago, so what? It's part of what made me the person I am today, so you may as well know about it, eh? I probably still wouldn't have gone to graduation if I were closer to my classmates, but maybe I'd have thrown an after-party. And maybe people might have actually came. May have mentioned it before (memory's lapsing a bit) but my 16th birthday, I had tried to invite some of my classmates and it was only a week after school let out that year. My grandfather said it was okay and had bought extra food and everything and I waited... and waited... and waited. And no one called or bothered to show up. I... my eyes are tearing up as I remember and type this up now. In part because it reminds me of the neglect I endured from my mother, I'd call her lots of times as much as I could when I wanted to talk to her as a kid... and she wouldn't answer. It would be days or weeks before she'd return my calls. What also hurts is that about a year ago I tried to call up a social worker I had worked with before (I followed policy and hadn't had direct contact them for over a year past discharge from their service) and she never returned my call neither... and I have no idea if she (my worker) just forgot or what the hell's going on *sigh*. Well, I'm okay now, managed to stop myself from crying and that's mostly because that social worker in particular was overall pretty good, I'm happy to have known them more than I am upset they haven't contacted me much after our time together. Though I still do miss hearing from them, no less.
Well this is what I think about most of the time; if I've truly gotten any better. If I truly feel any better. And it may not be a lot, but in most ways, I am better off than I was. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
