Not very long ago I had this dream. Well, I'll just summarize because it was really fragmented as a whole. But my memory's always been fairly good at things like this. Anyway, during said dream, a representation of a friend I've lost former contact with, but value our time together quite a lot, was holding himself at gunpoint, to his head, about to... you know. But somehow, I talked him out of it. And he lived, altering his angle at the last moment and just blowing away some space in front of his cranium. But he was alive and the remainder of the dream, I think I tried everything I could to get to him to well, tell him how happy I was he chose to live.
And that's the gist of the dream I had, So well, I think I'm ready to try with the whole "meeting people" again. Sorta been skirting around it lately but well... if I can make any difference in anyone's life, and hopefully something positive like well, just wanting to live for me or well, because one realizes how important they are to someone else. Even though I don't receive much reinforcement from my own family, I at least think I should try--so, that's mostly why I could never kill myself. Asides just being really scared of physical pain most of the time, that helps too, lol. I hate taking pills, cigarette smoke gives me asthma attacks, and f*ck alcohol, soda's enough of a calorie-bomb. Hah~.
Mmmmph, memories of my friend, the non-death-looming bits of course, always fill me with well--the oddest joy. This one because it was truly an emotional and attachment based on our wanting to be in a relationship. And though we weren't always in full agreement... the cybersex was really good for me--mind you at that time I mainly communicated love with sex and unadulterated affection. Nowadays, I do it more through more carefully picked words, not so much NC-17 and more PG with a touch of R. Afterall, I rarely curse (lol) and well, I don't really see sex as anything to be vulgar or primal about. And I also don't want to hypothetically hop into bed shortly after feeling an attachment with anyone like I did at that time. It's interesting as well in that, well, sometimes I could see myself bottoming for him, but pretty much only him have I ever been totally okay with the idea. My next-biggest attachment (*coughalexanderisnothisrealnamecough*) never managed that, at least not me actually agreeing with the suggestion. So, that says something~.
So, I'm just going to keep my options open. At least until I feel ready to commit, hopefully to someone as pure yet so... dark, as my C-. He really made me feel things. I guess that's why I love him, lol. And because I can feel things, I can continue to love people time and again. ^~^
