A perfect title if there ever was one *nods in self-agreement*. It's not like anyone really reads this blog that closely (... as far as I know...) but even so, I can at least sort my thoughts a bit.
I just watched the Nick News special for this year's, "Kids pick the President". Well, they don't always refer to it as Nick News anymore but its been on for over a decade with various events condensed and presented amicably for a young audience with Linda Ellerby (dunno if I'm spelling her name correctly) and I always appreciated it... my god the actual news programs are so borrrring that I really need a simplified version just to absorb most stuff. Anywho, that pretty much introduced me to Romney now; if you asked me before today if I knew anything about the Republican candidate, my response would have had to have been, "*shrug* not really?" He's a decent guy I suppose but I couldn't bring myself to agree with his stance on same-sex marriage. I don't vote anyway, but I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't vote for him. I would like to be married but I don't have to be. It's just that... who do I have to leave things to if I die? If I'm not married, are you aware that I can't leave anything to my partner by law? What happens to my possessions then? See my point... it pretty much undermines the contributions homosexual people can make to society when they can't even let their partners keep a house if it was owned by the deceased. If I die before my lover, I don't want my lover to lose anything else because I would think the loss of me would be pretty darn difficult already on its own. But the (present) law says I can't legally declare person_x_ gets my stuff unless they're a blood relative or they're married to me, else I can leave it to charity or else I have no flying clue, I think the government is supposed to come in and seize any land or properties and do w/e they decree with it. That makes dieing harder than living, at least to me it does, ehehe~.
Oh, it's not like people want my shit anyway. I technically have nothing because I can tell you what all I've ever bought with money that legally belongs to me--bought food, ate it, and now it's gone. I own nothing because everything is stuff my family bought. I never worked nor turned a paycheck. I pretty much don't even exist as citizen yet because I'm unemployed and yeah, haven't been doing anything. Oh I've been trying to get work though. Applied for a job or two, interviewed, but nope, nada. I do want to work. I don't want to drive (a vehicle) though. That's most of my dilemma, I suppose. My goal is to get a relationship with someone who can at least have the patience and spine to teach me to drive. Because I really don't want to, I really don't. That said, if one can convince me otherwise, y'know, I think they'd be worth keeping around. I mean if you really believe in and want to see me do something I hate that much because you realize I more-or-less need to do it, well you're more stubborn than me. And I can respect you for it, because this is pretty much the one thing I will always bitch about if it ever comes up. I hate driving, cars, everything related to transportation. I'd rather walk and I'm quite out of shape. Does not compute, does it? I know.
I don't like to argue though. But my god, I need you (you as in any would-be lovers out there) to have your act in gear. Have some job, even if its the blandest janitorial job out there (just an example, I really can't think of anyone that truly enjoys cleaning for a living). And have a car and be able to get yourself around. I ain't asking you to chauffeur me around at all, but I really can't wrap my head around getting myself places. So... I need you to want to meet me halfway. Do what others haven't and actually drive up to my door and knock. And don't run away after 2 minutes like a f-ing goof. I never expect company and I hate answering the door (recently I've done so in nothing but my boxers... what? I'm lazy, bitch) as it were. That said, I still am like one of the nicest people that I even know in all my 23 years of cognizance. I can't even begin to tell you how truly happy I'd be if someone did this, as it feels somewhat baffling to even request... why? Because it pretty much appears to me that sane people are incapable of doing this. I suppose I'm just crazy for hoping for it, eh? But if it did occur, then I believe that that crazy person could be just crazy enough to be mine to love. Perhaps.
Well, right now there's pretty much three people I could maybe end up in a relationship with (as to how successful any one would be, well...). I will now summarize my general positive and negative opinions about each candidate (if you care, or not, all are male).
Person A
+I've watched this person for the greater part of a year (by watch, I mean that I've followed most, though not, of their status updates on a facebook-ish website; but not actual Fbook because f*ck that noise~)
+so I know them fairly well and feel like they're a good fit for me (they're funny, employed, and close in age, all things I really want, not to mention... very gay)
-but I haven't really talked to them much at all, the one time I tried was several months ago and they laughed at me because I started complimenting them and openly declared I kinda liked them (*sigh*)
-they also (appear to) live in TX... I'm not a fan of Texas (it's too hot of a climate) and ugh... the thought of the state brings up mom issues for me (*deeper sigh*)
-and I'm worried they won't accept me because I'm not a bottom but I want to be with him and he's a (rather lewd) top
I mean it's important to me to consider if I can have sex with a person or not. I'm 23 and a virgin... and at times I feel like I'm the only person currently above the age of 20 that has not done anything sexual with anyone for their entire life. I don't want to be anally penetrated and I will not bend (lol) on this point for some time. You know there are other ways to get off than by pretending you're some straight ninny. (But no offense to all you straight ninnies that are in loving relationships and choose to have normal vaginal (or anal) sex). It's just... okay you're a man who likes men. So why do you have to stick it in his ass to show you love him that way? Why can't you just rub your sticks together... might start a fire, eh? P; But really, be more open minded... I've had a submissive friend who feels very similar to me. But they're actually submissive so them saying, "don't stick me," is obviously more jarring to some, I'm sure.
Victim B
+we've talked, on-and-off again since last February
+he approached me first, and replied favorably when I did pitch the possible idea of us dating at some point
-he hasn't really expressed much desire to see me, not as much as I've been almost begging to see him
-he's kinda bi-polar, one moment he is just fine and seems happy but then the next he breaks down and pushes me away over mistakes he makes over a month prior
-he goes for weeks, sometimes months, without speaking to me and this irks me to no end...
+if he would just open up and fucking say he wants me at times when I'm really wanting to hear it, I could forgive almost all of his flaws, but nope...
Why do you make it so difficult for me? Why can't you just say, "at least you're here" and tell me that you missed me... why can't I make you not feel so scared and worried over things? You make me feel so close yet so far... and I hate this duplicity. Not you, I just can't agree with your choice to avoid me when you so clearly need me to some extent. Stupid...
Exhibit C
+omg, so attractive
+I met him over two years ago
-but I still don't fully understand him
-I worry, being that this one has indeed had a lot of sex already, I worry that every time I try to approach him as a normal person that he feels inadequate, dirty because he's a little loose
+he is the closest person at present in terms of how far apart we are (physically)
+we share the most interests from what I can tell (mostly, this is in regards to video games)
-is he shy or what? getting him to talk to me feels like pulling teeth (and he's supposed to be an Aries... aren't fire types like not shy at all? I'm so often confused...)
I believe I've made it clear in several of my posts on here that I'm not thinking much about sex. Okay sure, I want it. If I'm dating someone for a month or so and they ask me to do them, I could see myself being ready to. The thing is... I haven't ever really been on a true date. And I want that so, soooo much. Simple dinner, movie, cuddling, gah, everything dammit! I only ask that you excuse my anger because being so deprived, left to feel so inadequate because my family picks at my appearance so damned much, (grandfather-weight, grandmother-hair and cleanliness, mother-weight again and if I try to talk to her about dating a guy I get a broken-record "use protection" mini-rant) well it makes it hard to talk about these things without wanting to drive my cranium through the nearest wall... *sigh*. Somewhat relieving to put to down, I guess. Later...
