Ignore the blatant improper grammar in that title (if you can, mwahaha!). I just seem to have major difficulties either giving the right impression or really getting why people pull the stuff they do. It's part of why I'm not very social--people lovin' frighten me at times. Earlier this week I had to visit an administrative office with my grandfather for reasons on an errand. So, not overly needing anything on that visit, I spend about 15 minutes sitting in the car, on a warm afternoon (say, 82 degrees) with the windows down partially while some tool is smoking in her own car with the door open about 5 parking spaces to my right. Needless to say, I'm not very comfortable, so I'd rather go sit in the AC'd waiting room of that office (I ended up needing to go in with my grandfather anyway because he has a simply terrible memory). I go to enter and for Lord knows what reason, that time there was a security guard working the door (since when does this office REQUIRE door guards!? I'm wondering, because I just visited 4 days prior to this event I'm sharing, in the same frame of time and there was no such guard present.) So he addresses me to the effect of, "what do you want?" in a tone that may as well have said, "you don't belong here, stay out of trouble," And I'm wondering to myself, internally, "what the hell? I need a grand purpose to enter a building I JUST visited last week. And clearly I'm not here alone because I just left a car from the passenger's side only a few steps away. Please don't beat me up, my gawd. : |" I barely managed a sentence but then the guard's brain clicked and he assumed I was going to wait on someone (which was true), then let me pass. I just don't like being put on the spot with authority figures like I stand out so lovin' much from everybody else. >.< I don't go nowhere nor bother anyone, don't drink, don't smoke, barely even look at other people and yet STILL I'm treated with suspicion instead of mutual congeniality. I don't think I look that mean or whatever, this really just gets to me. I'm 25 and treated like I'm some 16 year old delinquent by the po-po, da fuq!?
This isn't the only thing that has tormented my heart and mind these past two weeks, however. (How I wish it were just; alas.) I tried talking/spending a little time with a new guy who spoke to me first and seemed very interested in me. In a positive light, at no detriment to my self-esteem and at first, I'm really happy. Well, not even just "at first," for the whole time I'm speaking to this guy as he's behaving really nice, happens to be pretty and seems very understanding and mature for his age. And for some reason he seems to genuinely like ME of all people. So I'm moving along, being a bit dopey and maybe just ranting a little much, but I'm talking to him each day and he's replying. Then, only one day before I plan to buy new headphones for my computer so I can have a conversation with him, at least voice-to-voice, that can't be eavesdropped on by my overbearing grandfather, the guy appears to have vanished from my contact/friend list on the site I was using to exchange messages with him on. I go to ask him if he's okay, because he was on there before whilst we had been chatting and I hadn't the foggiest as to what was going on. The site tells me that I can't because now his profile's been set to private and they've blocked messages from non-friends. W-well okay... is pretty much all I can feel, then I turned my computer off and just laid down, tears coming down my cheeks as I just felt abandoned... again... (which is very difficult for me). And I don't know why it happened and what, if anything, I could or should have done to prevent it. Yeah... well... so much for that.
I get that I'm not that interesting to people, I suppose. I'm not even nice enough to treat like a human being with feelings and stuff that would appreciate knowing why I'm picked on all the time. '~' This is what the world chooses to tell me, at least. So, adieu, for this moment anyway. If someone decides to care (all, idk, 6 people that I think, maybe, might) you know where to find me.
