You have been warned...
Well, in part it's 'cause I just haven't put anything on this blog in a few months and I don't like to leave things dry for too long, y'know? Where do I even start... it's not that I even had much going on; truly, I didn't. But of course I had plenty to think about, such is my way. I'll start by visiting my most recent thoughts which ironically, involve the past.
It's strange how people can vastly grow apart in as little as 6 years of no contact with the other. If there's anything I do regret about my high-school experience, it would be letting people affect me as much as they did. Not that such things deterred me much, but because of my open nature, it was and is easier for me to be hurt and offended by other people. It's bad enough I would often walk home to an empty house, but my classmates made it hard on me. This is in part because I wanted to be accepted, to be loved--things that have been in short supply from my family. The only family member I'm sure loves me (the way I feel a family should) is my grandfather and it's near impossible for him to express those emotions. I don't have a father, my mother ignored me for the better part of my school-going life and still now only calls when she feels like it. Am I asking too much to want to have her call me like once a week? That seems reasonable for a parent and child, no matter how old you are *sigh*. Since my mother put my two younger sisters up for adoption shortly after their birth, I never had kids even marginally close to my age around me very much outside of school. And my grandmother wants nothing to do with me (why? I don't understand that at all...). It's even harder that I'm bisexual (well, mainly homosexual) and can't mention that or I will forfeit my housing. I'm not joking about any of these facts; at times I wish I were because most of my history sounds ridiculous even to me who lived through it.
Okay, back to school. So, after I had left boarding school (my grandfather "says" I was kicked out but idk, the staff of MHS never really said "you're expelled", moreso, "we think you'd be better off leaving; it's hard for you to live at the student homes"; well no shit, Sherlock! You try living with 10 or more other random kids and two adults who aren't your parents when you still actually have parents!) I came back to the school district where I had started (went there for Kindergarten). Of course I remember having gone there and stuff and some people I knew before I still was able to reconcile with. Okay, I'm going to drop first names here but f*** if I care; it's not like I was even noticed much by anyone--if I were, they sure never showed it much. So I re-met Kelly and we got along okay but idk, she was sort of the butt monkey of our grade in a way. I hated that people viewed her that way. I also was teased a lot, but moreso by upperclassmen at first who mocked my carefree and emotional nature (if I was happy I skipped occasionally; I mean literally Sound of Music Maria skipping) and called me gay because of that. Amanda, who I used to hang out with at a young age, physically bullied me and I had to ask the guidance office to change my schedule for that reason mainly. This is the main part of my "people growing apart" bit above. I never felt animosity from her in kindergarten. Even a boy whose fingers I accidentally (honest) slammed in a door, Mike, was friendlier to me than her and I have no clue whatsoever why. Maybe I just bothered her somehow; maybe she resented my "gay" behavior, idk. Why is it a crime to smile, to enjoy school and learning, to want other people to be so happy they burst into song? (Yes, I've done this). My other main friends from before were guys but one became a clownish fop (Tom) and the other was all, "only have time for my girlfriend" and a bit of a sports jock no less ("Robbie"). If you want to know, I do wish I could have had a better relationship with Amanda because she didn't seem like a bad person to me, but it was near impossible to get near her since she mostly just stuck with her friend, Kristi (dunno if it was spelled that way). Soon after returning I met Scott who was pretty nice; kinda energetic though and Phil who was sorta eh... can I say he's like a guy you wanna occasionally punch because he bugs you in some way but you don't because you don't want to bother with the consequences? Yeah, that. The other main Phil in our grade went by PK and we never really collaborated on anything. He seems okay though, I'd rather have a drink with PK than the other guy. Oh, there was another Phil who I shared more interests with (sort of) though he had moved away after 11th grade. My main friends, or acquaintances at least, were ladies. Brianne, Sara, Devoureaux (I think, might not have the first u) and later Brittany. Or was it Britney? Stupid different spellings for the same name, dude! My main guy friends were Zach and Roger, who were a year ahead of me and Tyler who was more of an acquaintance but I could talk to him about my ideas for video games. He was really laid back and kinda looked half-asleep a lot, lol, but he was an all around good fellow. My best friend from school would turn out to be another guy with the same name, but I don't talk much about him. In part because he seems to be going through a really wigged out time right now, so I offer this much respect, y'know?
I would have like to have been somewhat more involved in Bri, Sara and Devi's lives; because I respect them as people and yeah, I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them. I only really saw them at lunch asides from classes we might share. Devi was overall the nicest towards me. Bri kinda joked around with me a lot but I feel that was her way of accepting me. I know this sounds awkward but part of me really missed my mother even though she was not very involved in my life. My mother, herself, seems to really like music and stuff and I know she's had an iffy history with sex and the like (hello, that's how she ended up birthing me). Bri was sorta like my mom and also like the mother figure I wanted to have--one who cared about me and openly expressed it in their own way. While she was also harsh towards me at times, I don't think I would have been able to finish at all if not for Bri's support. And it hurt, a lot, that I couldn't be with her more as her own support. If she was a queen, I would have wanted to be her knight. In our senior year, Bri became pregnant and I'm sure it was difficult for her... yeah well, somehow I finished school that year but it was not easy for me and my fragile psyche. At times I would just be so filled with anger, sadness and lethargy that I'd have to excuse myself from class to sit and let my tears pour in the guidance office rooms. Sara was Bri's best friend and seemed overall like the most level-headed of the three. I always thought of her as having this elegant presence and she was nice to look at overall, tall, fairly slender and naturally nice in appearance. The main thing that kept me just being a tagalong to them at school was the fact that they smoke (or have smoked) cigarettes. Dunno if they've been able to quit since then, but I hope they're well regardless. Sara made me really depressed the last week of school when she essentially said I was worthless. I can't even begin to fathom what possessed her to say it and maybe she didn't mean to be saying it to me but... that was ultimately the last straw for me and I chose not to attend my graduation because I just wasn't close enough to any of my classmates to go through with it. And my mother couldn't get a flight in anyway, so there'd be no point for me. Yes, my grandfather would have attended but he's always been there... he doesn't have anything to validate with me because his actions have shown enough. Even though I do wish we could communicate better, still.
Yes, that was nearly 5 years ago, so what? It's part of what made me the person I am today, so you may as well know about it, eh? I probably still wouldn't have gone to graduation if I were closer to my classmates, but maybe I'd have thrown an after-party. And maybe people might have actually came. May have mentioned it before (memory's lapsing a bit) but my 16th birthday, I had tried to invite some of my classmates and it was only a week after school let out that year. My grandfather said it was okay and had bought extra food and everything and I waited... and waited... and waited. And no one called or bothered to show up. I... my eyes are tearing up as I remember and type this up now. In part because it reminds me of the neglect I endured from my mother, I'd call her lots of times as much as I could when I wanted to talk to her as a kid... and she wouldn't answer. It would be days or weeks before she'd return my calls. What also hurts is that about a year ago I tried to call up a social worker I had worked with before (I followed policy and hadn't had direct contact them for over a year past discharge from their service) and she never returned my call neither... and I have no idea if she (my worker) just forgot or what the hell's going on *sigh*. Well, I'm okay now, managed to stop myself from crying and that's mostly because that social worker in particular was overall pretty good, I'm happy to have known them more than I am upset they haven't contacted me much after our time together. Though I still do miss hearing from them, no less.
Well this is what I think about most of the time; if I've truly gotten any better. If I truly feel any better. And it may not be a lot, but in most ways, I am better off than I was. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
SH2
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Update: Just Because...
That's a good reason, eh? "Just because," and nothing else really. I guess I feel like it but I am by no means overly driven to do so, heh.
Although adding that awesome Yuri/Blanca photo is a good motivator, rite?
Things are... just okay at the moment. I think I managed to become acquainted with a person who is genuinely interested in me--quite a rare feat at that, so that's nice. I'm still recovering from the shock factor--people generally aren't as nice to me as I am to them upon just meeting and from the initial contact. Hell, most people also don't even bother to start conversations--see how odd this is? It's a good oddity, I can't say I don't deserve it; after all, I have been giving an honest effort to every relationship I've established in the past 4~5 years of being able to socialize freely. Just trying to contain any possible excitement and let myself like this person not because they happen to like me (though it's a definite plus). And I think I'm getting to that point. They're nice to talk to, pretty much. One good daily message is better than a few sporadic dates of hours-on-end phone calls or stuff like that, eh? Well, I think so~.
Otherwise, there hasn't been much activity this past month. Oh well, at least nothing much has been bothering me, either. Now I guess I want to share more music; stuff I've been enjoying lately per my previous posts of this nature xP. Enjoy, 'kay?
Star Ocean (4) The Last Hope: Symmetry
SMT Avatar Tuner/Digital Devil Saga: Big Battle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAXpq-xs3Rk
Good stuff~. Blogger, out. xD
Things are... just okay at the moment. I think I managed to become acquainted with a person who is genuinely interested in me--quite a rare feat at that, so that's nice. I'm still recovering from the shock factor--people generally aren't as nice to me as I am to them upon just meeting and from the initial contact. Hell, most people also don't even bother to start conversations--see how odd this is? It's a good oddity, I can't say I don't deserve it; after all, I have been giving an honest effort to every relationship I've established in the past 4~5 years of being able to socialize freely. Just trying to contain any possible excitement and let myself like this person not because they happen to like me (though it's a definite plus). And I think I'm getting to that point. They're nice to talk to, pretty much. One good daily message is better than a few sporadic dates of hours-on-end phone calls or stuff like that, eh? Well, I think so~.
Otherwise, there hasn't been much activity this past month. Oh well, at least nothing much has been bothering me, either. Now I guess I want to share more music; stuff I've been enjoying lately per my previous posts of this nature xP. Enjoy, 'kay?
Star Ocean (4) The Last Hope: Symmetry
SMT Avatar Tuner/Digital Devil Saga: Big Battle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAXpq-xs3Rk
Good stuff~. Blogger, out. xD
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Good Morning to You~
Well, it is the afternoon now that I'm getting around to making this entry, but so what? I did have a decent morning. As decent a morning as a single middle-class, full-bodied caucasian male of their low 20s can muster alone. Heh, just thought of calling myself full bodied because I am overweight but not in a shameful manner. Why should I feel less about myself just because I have a bloated stomach and full thighs and some underarm fat on my upper arms? It's not oh, super appealing but its not really anything repulsive either, just kinda funny if you ask me. And sometimes if you look at really muscular people, they look funny too. Especially those who are so thick their veins pop out in places... but personally that grosses me out a bit. So, in some ways I'm glad I'm not ripped. Plus, I have no major health concerns barring my abnormally low good cholesterol (i.e. the kind of cholesterol that helps prevent heart diseases). I could stand to exercise more but it really isn't fun nor motivating enough to do it on my own, so I don't get much activity in : /. Yes, I would be at least 3 times more likely to go out/work out if someone close to me asked to. No one's around so... yeah. Am I okay with this? Not really, but it's not like I can do anything to change it. Just something I'm not willing to do alone. And, wouldn't you feel better if your significant other was there by your side while you're running up a mountain? Well, I would. People don't get their good looks by doing nothing. So the looks I manage to have, I will accept because I think I look okay. Not great, not all around terrible, but okay. C+.
This morning I treated myself to my usual sitcoms and some Looney Toons that were on here and there. Family Matters, Boy Meets World, What I Like About You and Will & Grace were the various programs that made my morning. Some of my lusts were appealed to by the first two titles in particular. So on Family Matters, there was this one scene wherein Steve was laying on his stomach briefly, so his backside was up right? Okay, so I was checking out his ass... Jaleel White does have a pretty fine derriere. Given that he was probably nearing 20 in this episode (the actor), I don't consider my opinion inappropriate. And I do really have a weakness for dark-skinned persons... ch'yeah. It was a nicely shaped ass of an all around awesome black actor... nah, he was clothed in the scene asides. The show was never too risque, being geared towards families. And I like it that way. The Boy Meets World episode consisted of some cross dressing for Cory and Shawn. Personally, I really liked the first girl outfit that Cory(Ben Savage) donned, meaning, the way he looked in it appealed to me. Simple and clean, just a nice evening dress, heels (unnecessary) and a simple shoulder-bob wig. I like that (oh yeah, pantyhose too but details = blah). He kinda looked like my one neighbor up the street that was in my graduating class, the way he was made up to look there. I do mean this as a compliment. Besides, I do like chicks with dicks... bwahaha. P:
So this one guy I do like a fair deal, yes? I try talking to him, and try once again, all even though part of his nature does not agree well with me. The guy admits he finds people "ugly" but yet won't honor those people by telling them so openly. Yeah, I get the inkling he isn't too fond of my face with its fullness. I just wish he would at least honor me with honesty and say, "well, you're not much of a looker," and maybe even follow it with, "but thanks for your nice words," or something like that. I'm willing to give people chances. He may be kinda shallow but I don't like him any less because of that fact. I'm hoping he will give me other chances to prove I'm worth at least talking to. I'd be happy if we could at least be friends because well... most of my gay friends hardly talk to me and I have more friends who are bi or straight than I do as gay as me (90%). Hell, my most honorable friend (i.e. the one that puts the most effort, and this says a lot because they are not a very social individual) is pretty darn straight (good for him, vag repulses me, lolol). I don't demand someone talk to me all the time but it ticks me off, I try to get one of my friends' attention (one such being a guy I do find rather attractive asides him being rather gay, a plus) and he does not respond much of the time. I dunno if it's just all bad timing on my end but c'mon Wen... you're so cute and nice and... god can't I just say I enjoyed looking at some dude's ass today? Why do I have to keep all the meager happy parts of my life to myself? (Oh, I didn't mean to truly call you out when I wrote this, my friend, I just miss talking to you on a more active basis. <3) May seem odd to some people, but me, I feel this need to share things with other people, especially if its things I like and feel they can, too. Then maybe hit on them, not because I'm lonely (but yeah, I am) but because sh*t, most of my friends are hot xP.
Not sure what else to say right this moment. Some other stuff in my head but I'm trying not to be quite as rambling of late. Later to ya'll special people that read this~.
This morning I treated myself to my usual sitcoms and some Looney Toons that were on here and there. Family Matters, Boy Meets World, What I Like About You and Will & Grace were the various programs that made my morning. Some of my lusts were appealed to by the first two titles in particular. So on Family Matters, there was this one scene wherein Steve was laying on his stomach briefly, so his backside was up right? Okay, so I was checking out his ass... Jaleel White does have a pretty fine derriere. Given that he was probably nearing 20 in this episode (the actor), I don't consider my opinion inappropriate. And I do really have a weakness for dark-skinned persons... ch'yeah. It was a nicely shaped ass of an all around awesome black actor... nah, he was clothed in the scene asides. The show was never too risque, being geared towards families. And I like it that way. The Boy Meets World episode consisted of some cross dressing for Cory and Shawn. Personally, I really liked the first girl outfit that Cory(Ben Savage) donned, meaning, the way he looked in it appealed to me. Simple and clean, just a nice evening dress, heels (unnecessary) and a simple shoulder-bob wig. I like that (oh yeah, pantyhose too but details = blah). He kinda looked like my one neighbor up the street that was in my graduating class, the way he was made up to look there. I do mean this as a compliment. Besides, I do like chicks with dicks... bwahaha. P:
So this one guy I do like a fair deal, yes? I try talking to him, and try once again, all even though part of his nature does not agree well with me. The guy admits he finds people "ugly" but yet won't honor those people by telling them so openly. Yeah, I get the inkling he isn't too fond of my face with its fullness. I just wish he would at least honor me with honesty and say, "well, you're not much of a looker," and maybe even follow it with, "but thanks for your nice words," or something like that. I'm willing to give people chances. He may be kinda shallow but I don't like him any less because of that fact. I'm hoping he will give me other chances to prove I'm worth at least talking to. I'd be happy if we could at least be friends because well... most of my gay friends hardly talk to me and I have more friends who are bi or straight than I do as gay as me (90%). Hell, my most honorable friend (i.e. the one that puts the most effort, and this says a lot because they are not a very social individual) is pretty darn straight (good for him, vag repulses me, lolol). I don't demand someone talk to me all the time but it ticks me off, I try to get one of my friends' attention (one such being a guy I do find rather attractive asides him being rather gay, a plus) and he does not respond much of the time. I dunno if it's just all bad timing on my end but c'mon Wen... you're so cute and nice and... god can't I just say I enjoyed looking at some dude's ass today? Why do I have to keep all the meager happy parts of my life to myself? (Oh, I didn't mean to truly call you out when I wrote this, my friend, I just miss talking to you on a more active basis. <3) May seem odd to some people, but me, I feel this need to share things with other people, especially if its things I like and feel they can, too. Then maybe hit on them, not because I'm lonely (but yeah, I am) but because sh*t, most of my friends are hot xP.
Not sure what else to say right this moment. Some other stuff in my head but I'm trying not to be quite as rambling of late. Later to ya'll special people that read this~.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Screw luck, I'm talking today...
Don't you just love Friday the 13ths? I know I do :3. Of course they tend to just be ordinary days for me, but so what? I feel like talking today~. About what? Stuff, I suppose, what else? You should know me better than that by now (if you read enough of my babble already).
I will admit that I don't like ugly people. Particularly those who let their inner ugliness show, as feebly as they attempt to hide it behind their disgustingly attractive bodies. It should be a crime to be so good looking and yet still have such self-absorbed opinions. If I looked as good as some of these people, you know what? I'd still be doing everything I can to make others feel as good as I'd happen to look. Suffice to say, I don't care about my looks. Long as I remain healthy and able, it's enough for me. A little fat is well... cute. Me? Yeah, I'm overweight but it's not like I'm misshapen as, unfortunately, some persons end up as. And I like my face, alright? But I would never complain about other people being heavy. I feel I'm pretty open to many different shapes (hey, remember one of my very first posts? I find Sima Zhao and Yangus equally attractive) and it's never the size of one's stomach, waist, nor muscle definition but... the size of their heart. Intimately, okay so it helps if you have a shtick, I prefer to look at it rather than weird flaps (for lack of better words). However, I don't care how big of thighs you got... get what I'm saying? Nice sex is well, still nice afterall. One could be 100 or 300 lbs, if I'm really looking at you naked, it's because I already like what I've seen from your actions, emotions and other non-physical expressions. If I didn't, I'd feel too uncomfortable looking at you naked (I'm quite shy despite my romantic tendencies and displays of affection) and would probably stumble over my words quite a bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad looking or even too hot (which makes me even more embarrassed, quite honestly), it's just... I'm not ready to look at you that way because... I want it to be because I know you want it and value me enough that you got me naked first... or something to that extent. I'm really hard to get out of my pants (I never sleep fully naked, lolol) so... you gotta be like dynamite to blow away all my humility. It's why I like guys willing to have their egos lifted and show their self confidence, especially if they are morally rounded enough to admit that I've helped them to feel that way. That's the biggest reward for me... helping others to reach their greatest possible selves. Yeah, yeah... I'm weird xP.
I find it ironic yet oddly fitting that my birthmonth is the LGBT Pride Month in the United States of America (where I reside) and my birthday itself is an International Autistic Pride Day. Yes, I am mostly gay and also partially autistic, go figure! Nothing really else to say on that topic though, I just happen to be mildly amused by the fact :3.
More rambling a little later, can't really commit to more brain-picking at this moment. See you soon~.
I will admit that I don't like ugly people. Particularly those who let their inner ugliness show, as feebly as they attempt to hide it behind their disgustingly attractive bodies. It should be a crime to be so good looking and yet still have such self-absorbed opinions. If I looked as good as some of these people, you know what? I'd still be doing everything I can to make others feel as good as I'd happen to look. Suffice to say, I don't care about my looks. Long as I remain healthy and able, it's enough for me. A little fat is well... cute. Me? Yeah, I'm overweight but it's not like I'm misshapen as, unfortunately, some persons end up as. And I like my face, alright? But I would never complain about other people being heavy. I feel I'm pretty open to many different shapes (hey, remember one of my very first posts? I find Sima Zhao and Yangus equally attractive) and it's never the size of one's stomach, waist, nor muscle definition but... the size of their heart. Intimately, okay so it helps if you have a shtick, I prefer to look at it rather than weird flaps (for lack of better words). However, I don't care how big of thighs you got... get what I'm saying? Nice sex is well, still nice afterall. One could be 100 or 300 lbs, if I'm really looking at you naked, it's because I already like what I've seen from your actions, emotions and other non-physical expressions. If I didn't, I'd feel too uncomfortable looking at you naked (I'm quite shy despite my romantic tendencies and displays of affection) and would probably stumble over my words quite a bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad looking or even too hot (which makes me even more embarrassed, quite honestly), it's just... I'm not ready to look at you that way because... I want it to be because I know you want it and value me enough that you got me naked first... or something to that extent. I'm really hard to get out of my pants (I never sleep fully naked, lolol) so... you gotta be like dynamite to blow away all my humility. It's why I like guys willing to have their egos lifted and show their self confidence, especially if they are morally rounded enough to admit that I've helped them to feel that way. That's the biggest reward for me... helping others to reach their greatest possible selves. Yeah, yeah... I'm weird xP.
I find it ironic yet oddly fitting that my birthmonth is the LGBT Pride Month in the United States of America (where I reside) and my birthday itself is an International Autistic Pride Day. Yes, I am mostly gay and also partially autistic, go figure! Nothing really else to say on that topic though, I just happen to be mildly amused by the fact :3.
More rambling a little later, can't really commit to more brain-picking at this moment. See you soon~.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Have I mentioned I love (KOEI's interpretation of) Zhong Hui?
Because I f-ing LURVE Zhong Hui; RAH!!!!
Okay, fangasms aside, you gotta admit... that outfit is pure sex. Stupid DLC *shakes fist*. Now listen up all you random people... why is it that none of you can be as honest, if as conceited, as this wonderfully ambiguous specimen? Y'know, I admire Zhong Hui's arrogance and hey, he at least tries to live up to his claims. Granted, all he seems to want is simply to be in power, despite not really being an ideal leader to any degree beyond the fact that he is moderately talented in combat and strategy. But this man acts superior because it is his firm belief that he is superior. Now that's impressive. Unwavering confidence in one's self, that's all one really needs to succeed. And it's still cute, how he claims to be the greatest in the land (ancient China) and yet he's neither very tall nor very intimidating in appearance. Of course, maybe I'm a little mean in finding humor over another's inflated ego. Then again... Quinton Flynn's performance in the English voiceover as this usurper is pretty hilarious, in a good way.
On a minor note: Zhong Hui's preferred weapon in his debut game is a considerably effective choice for both crowd control and obliterating officers with elemental attacks. And it's hard not to appear badass with 5 levitating swords at one's beck and call. A superior weapon for a superior officer. P:
Modesty gets to be overrated, y'know? I'm not saying to be a braggart by any means, but one should be more assertive, especially if one expects to get my attention. Given that I'm among those rare "genuinely nice" specimens left in this world, seriously people, get with the bloomin' program! Maybe you should take time out of your oh-so-busy schedules just to check on the little man--the people you haven't tried talking to yet or in quite some time. Y'know, if someone tells me they want to talk and then they don't have anything to say is still utter BS--find something to say already! I, personally, feel more relaxed rather than unnerved by random comments from others--at least those people are trying to share their thoughts, even if it is in a silly or sometimes meager method.
Can you understand how disheartening it is to genuinely take time to try to strike up conversations with people only to be ignored after spending an hour or longer trying to both self-edit and come across as true to oneself as is possible through the worst socializing platform--the internet? The worst part is I am trying my damnedest to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, too many are still too caught up in their frivolous and way-too-complicated personal lives to notice the effort. I miss my one friend... uh, "Tres-ni" I will refer to him; and yeah, he does SO many things that it's really taxing to try to get a free moment that lasts long enough to even talk to him. This goes on for months, I haven't spoken to him since sometime this past summer IIRC. Of course I want to because I had this crush which will probably continue unrequited for a long while because the one time I get myself to say "well, actually I kinda sorta love you and... yeah," was shortly after he got this girlfriend recently (he's bisexual, so will you kindly SHUT UP with your wandering thoughts!? morons~). Well, wouldn't you know that she dumped him sometime uh, late-autumnish sorta? I can't keep track of these dates precisely, I haven't seen my Tres-ni for about 6 months now, that's all I can muster x_x.
Well, it's not like he's local by any means, the kid lives out-of-state anyway so... I'm just trying to reach out to people in semi-near places. Not that I'm having any luck :/. A small handful are kinda nearby and seem like nice/cool sorts. But they aren't making attempts to talk back at me... *sigh*. It's tough, as I'd just be happy if they at least say, "wow, that's quite a wall of text!" to when I type so much. If just to recognize that I did put true effort into it and I will always do so in any sort of relationship. Even just friendship, I take so grandly because I don't really have anyone to talk to in person that I truly want to talk or spend time with, so I do resort to the internet to try to socialize a bit. Why do people have time to update their statuses a half-dozen moments per day and yet they still can't even try to return even a smidgen of the interest I try to give them. The support, the unbiased love; people say they want a lover, well for god's sake, earn it! I do get a little unnerved seeing them respond to far shallower advances when they clearly deserve far better than that... I know my heart is my best asset but try putting that down and having people take you seriously! For once, I want to be as respected, on a consistent basis, as much as the respect and time I give to people. I consider my friends as family in a sense, at least the few that matter (B--, T--, etc.) and try enough to behave like actual human beings, ones that are capable of some emotion or at least with tasteful decorum.
That said, blagh, I don't want to really add any more girls on this one networking site I'm trying to utilize lately. I don't find most very well, easy to talk to unless they outright talk to me first. All things considered, I'm also just getting tired of trying to strike up conversations with new faces... even as much as I think they might genuinely like me for well... me; an honest and simply kind person. I'm not the smartest, the fastest, the best looking nor the richest person in this world, but I could say few people can match how much I want to be positively connected to other people. To help them just get through their day a little easier, is it so much to ask I meet a man who can appreciate such a simple, if easy-to-overlook, trait? And one with the sheer confidence in themself to not be afraid to accept someone as unique (or just kooky, I don't care) as myself? That's all I really want in a boyfriend, that you never overlook the friend half of the job. You can't truly love someone if you aren't also friends, at least, that's what I think. Arrivederci~.
Okay, fangasms aside, you gotta admit... that outfit is pure sex. Stupid DLC *shakes fist*. Now listen up all you random people... why is it that none of you can be as honest, if as conceited, as this wonderfully ambiguous specimen? Y'know, I admire Zhong Hui's arrogance and hey, he at least tries to live up to his claims. Granted, all he seems to want is simply to be in power, despite not really being an ideal leader to any degree beyond the fact that he is moderately talented in combat and strategy. But this man acts superior because it is his firm belief that he is superior. Now that's impressive. Unwavering confidence in one's self, that's all one really needs to succeed. And it's still cute, how he claims to be the greatest in the land (ancient China) and yet he's neither very tall nor very intimidating in appearance. Of course, maybe I'm a little mean in finding humor over another's inflated ego. Then again... Quinton Flynn's performance in the English voiceover as this usurper is pretty hilarious, in a good way.
On a minor note: Zhong Hui's preferred weapon in his debut game is a considerably effective choice for both crowd control and obliterating officers with elemental attacks. And it's hard not to appear badass with 5 levitating swords at one's beck and call. A superior weapon for a superior officer. P:
Modesty gets to be overrated, y'know? I'm not saying to be a braggart by any means, but one should be more assertive, especially if one expects to get my attention. Given that I'm among those rare "genuinely nice" specimens left in this world, seriously people, get with the bloomin' program! Maybe you should take time out of your oh-so-busy schedules just to check on the little man--the people you haven't tried talking to yet or in quite some time. Y'know, if someone tells me they want to talk and then they don't have anything to say is still utter BS--find something to say already! I, personally, feel more relaxed rather than unnerved by random comments from others--at least those people are trying to share their thoughts, even if it is in a silly or sometimes meager method.
Can you understand how disheartening it is to genuinely take time to try to strike up conversations with people only to be ignored after spending an hour or longer trying to both self-edit and come across as true to oneself as is possible through the worst socializing platform--the internet? The worst part is I am trying my damnedest to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, too many are still too caught up in their frivolous and way-too-complicated personal lives to notice the effort. I miss my one friend... uh, "Tres-ni" I will refer to him; and yeah, he does SO many things that it's really taxing to try to get a free moment that lasts long enough to even talk to him. This goes on for months, I haven't spoken to him since sometime this past summer IIRC. Of course I want to because I had this crush which will probably continue unrequited for a long while because the one time I get myself to say "well, actually I kinda sorta love you and... yeah," was shortly after he got this girlfriend recently (he's bisexual, so will you kindly SHUT UP with your wandering thoughts!? morons~). Well, wouldn't you know that she dumped him sometime uh, late-autumnish sorta? I can't keep track of these dates precisely, I haven't seen my Tres-ni for about 6 months now, that's all I can muster x_x.
Well, it's not like he's local by any means, the kid lives out-of-state anyway so... I'm just trying to reach out to people in semi-near places. Not that I'm having any luck :/. A small handful are kinda nearby and seem like nice/cool sorts. But they aren't making attempts to talk back at me... *sigh*. It's tough, as I'd just be happy if they at least say, "wow, that's quite a wall of text!" to when I type so much. If just to recognize that I did put true effort into it and I will always do so in any sort of relationship. Even just friendship, I take so grandly because I don't really have anyone to talk to in person that I truly want to talk or spend time with, so I do resort to the internet to try to socialize a bit. Why do people have time to update their statuses a half-dozen moments per day and yet they still can't even try to return even a smidgen of the interest I try to give them. The support, the unbiased love; people say they want a lover, well for god's sake, earn it! I do get a little unnerved seeing them respond to far shallower advances when they clearly deserve far better than that... I know my heart is my best asset but try putting that down and having people take you seriously! For once, I want to be as respected, on a consistent basis, as much as the respect and time I give to people. I consider my friends as family in a sense, at least the few that matter (B--, T--, etc.) and try enough to behave like actual human beings, ones that are capable of some emotion or at least with tasteful decorum.
That said, blagh, I don't want to really add any more girls on this one networking site I'm trying to utilize lately. I don't find most very well, easy to talk to unless they outright talk to me first. All things considered, I'm also just getting tired of trying to strike up conversations with new faces... even as much as I think they might genuinely like me for well... me; an honest and simply kind person. I'm not the smartest, the fastest, the best looking nor the richest person in this world, but I could say few people can match how much I want to be positively connected to other people. To help them just get through their day a little easier, is it so much to ask I meet a man who can appreciate such a simple, if easy-to-overlook, trait? And one with the sheer confidence in themself to not be afraid to accept someone as unique (or just kooky, I don't care) as myself? That's all I really want in a boyfriend, that you never overlook the friend half of the job. You can't truly love someone if you aren't also friends, at least, that's what I think. Arrivederci~.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
What I've Been Listening to Lately
In this instance, it's exactly as it says on the tin.
I love game music quite a lot; Quite A Lot. So, if it pleases you, have a listen (or don't) to what I've been absorbing this past weekend and such. Enjoy~.
Gluttony Fang (Live), Guilty GearxBlazBlue 2011:
Tartarus (all blocks), SMT: Persona 3 OST:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_vSblcklfY
Godsibb (Live), Xenosaga III OST:
Monday, December 19, 2011
Update, Hopes & Probable Nonsense
(Hey, I changed the banner thing again. Have to say, I still really dig this picture after first seeing it probably not long after it was done; gave credit to the artist in the caption anyway so hopefully they don't mind? Google is your friend if you want the non-cropped version. ... and get your mind out of the gutter! It's a tasteful image barring the obvious fanservice. xP)
Well, my grandparents aren't fighting anymore so that's good news, kinda? Well, I guess I do understand getting a little caught up over words, it is a more common habit with my grandfather than it is for me, but I also forgive people faster so I still feel like the only sane adult around, heh. Nothing else really new of yet to discuss about the homefront.
I wish I could connect with people in a less... awkward fashion. I dunno, I suppose I really just worry too much on the whole thing but I'd say that just trying to set aside time to meet someone and following through is good... even if the person you're hoping to meet doesn't show. So, I tried to make a new acquaintance the other day, basically. He was already added to my friend list on this site for some time (probably a few weeks, I'm pretty selective on who I add to stuff), I was just browsing it recently and saw he had checked my profile (since you can see that, kinda handy I guess). So I just thought, "well, Friday probably isn't too bad of a day to find time to talk; end of the week and that jazz," and I simply send him a message inviting him to talk with me (including relevant contact info), feeling a little motivated by the fact that their last status message was asking for people to talk to in the first place. So, message sent and all that's left is to wait. I logged on to the requested IM system and waited... for the better part of 11 hours. No show. Well, it is around the holiday time, so it's fairly possible the guy was preoccupied with various obligations and maybe also it was just a "do nothing" day for him (I have them, myself). I'm a little down from basically wasting time sitting around doing nothing all that time (did have some conversation with a more regular friend for about half of the duration) but at least... I held up my part of the agreement, as casual and impromptu as it was.
I have been thinking of myself overall, well, just trying to pick out my good and not-so-good points, if only so I could try listing them and thus make myself seem not so hard to understand. I generally think most people don't really expect someone who doesn't know them too well to really care how they are or even want to talk to them... so, it's difficult trying to introduce someone as well, uncommon as me. I'm like so very simple and so extraordinarily complex at the same time, only few people really get me (and even then, not completely). That's fine though, as long as they're willing to accept whatever parts they do get, as I will always do my best to accept as much, if not all, of them that I can. Afterall, the only person who ever will be able to accept ALL of you is you alone; to hope otherwise is foolish and unwise, you'd be better off cloning yourself. And we certainly know there's plenty of people who are NOT entirely comfortable with their self. I wouldn't say I like everything about myself either, but I'm living with it, that's more than some people can say, too.
Regarding me now...
Good Points
-great level of patience (as you probably figured out, asides from casually browsing the net and chatting with one friend, I DID wait ~11 hours for a person I never even met afore...) that you probably won't find a lot of
-I'm really honest about pretty much everything, even if it doesn't make me look good (hello--blog, anyone?) which I do think shows a level of selfless righteousness, how often do you see that and are able to believe it (of course, I'm sure some people still think I'm impossible--why, thank you, I like being weird, yes!)
-I never pass judgment on people who don't give me anything to well--hate, for lack of better words; there are certain displays I certainly won't agree with but I assure you, unless you catch my attention in a positive light, then I certainly AM NOT thinking of you
-following that, I don't talk about people much when they aren't around; and I will freely pick at things I don't agree with about you, but this also shows that I find you important enough to comment on, to try to improve, or just to reach a better level of understanding for myself; sorta the bully concept, if you will, I only focus on people I actually like, leading to teasing or even scolding (that said, I don't really troll people because I don't like to spend excess time being "clever", straight up)
-I do tend to put others' well-being before my own; sometimes this shows in more iffy ways as I will explain when relevant~
-you how there's random people who think your nose is too big or too small or some other crap similar to that? at least I'm not one of them--and I'm not saying that I'd be entirely cool with someone with severe deformities, but I generally find I tend to have a broader aesthetic appreciation range than most; as always, your mileage will vary; you've best results if you try talking to me first if you want me to "rate" you to any degree
-you may (or may not) notice that I don't use much strong language, at least considering that this blog is entirely my personal thoughts; I think that's a minor good point and if you want my opinion, I think cursing only shows your lack of self-control in the most ugly way aside from outright committing a crime or resorting to violence
-yes, I'm pretty placid I'd say; if I raise a hand against you seriously, you'll know you really upset me by the point that I've lost regards for your safety; I'm not really a fighter, but mass and gravity tends to be in my favor in most cases
Not-So-Good Points
-I'm not comfortable with those "silent" types; if you don't want to talk when I start a conversation, you better tell me outright or I will not shut up at times, for better or worse (I mean, Really people!? it's the internet, you have every right to be as loud as you want and even tell people off as much as you want--stop being such emo doormats)
-"I don't know" is not good enough; if you don't know--think harder! take a break, come back to it after a while and you may notice something different; but lord help you if you constantly give me "I don't know" in response to what I'm saying; at least let me know you hear me and...
-instead of "I'm sorry", try "thank you for your input" when you feel lost and can't figure what to say--I don't like people who apologize when they have done NOTHING to me to be truly sorry for; why do I mention these things as my flaws? because I can be easily put-off if you give me these responses in a serious manner; I cannot help you if you will not try to help yourself; capisce?
-I don't care much for grammar, so please mind my way of stating things most of the time; I just try to get the point across as I'd actually say it and sometimes, even w-write in such a way if I'm really feeling uncertain to the point I would stammer the word in person; sometimes this bugs people, but I will clean it up a bit on say, forum posts
-I don't like people who pry; I will always back off when asked and I have a shorter patience for people prying into me--because honestly, it's usually nothing special to be worth your time, I can be boring, I don't need you to tell me; but sometimes I will tell you anyway--reverse psychology, and if anything, maybe you'll accrue better respect for me
In-Between Points
-I'm not the best at keeping secrets for the longest possible times, especially if it involves despicable behavior on your part and you ask me not to tell anyone; but, I won't make a big scene of it, it'd probably get dropped in a casual tone when it's easy to miss anyway--as they say, the guilt is far worse than anything so is it really fair for me to hide your crimes? I think not; you'll only mature after you accept where you went wrong
-Sometimes I can be more of the defiant/quiet-type; especially if you don't show an adequate level of respect towards me; particularly if you repeat things you've already said; allow me to be perfectly frank--I ALWAYS HEAR YOU THE FIRST TIME; now... in the event that I don't get something, then I will kindly admit so and then you may repeat the same statement; but also, sometimes I just really can't get behind certain things, like sports usually; but if you casually bring it up and ask my opinion on it, then I will say whatever I can and freely listen to you rant... if it means that much to you, I can be happy to hear you rattle on about it, because you're happy talking about it, make sense?
-I like the concept of sex because I view it as a means to express your passions and true feelings for others; so feel free to talk about it anytime, I want you to feel comfortable that you can do so, it's a true way of knowing you feel that at ease around me; and me, I will probably hit on you (particularly the men) now and then to some degree, but if you don't like it, say so and I certainly will respect your wishes; BUT! I am not a fan of cybersex, I have my reasons, if it's relevant when we're talking, I will tell you why
Well, that doesn't really cover everything, but I've been trucking at this entry for over 4 hours already. I hope eventually that, whoever reads this may feel able to comment on something. Agree or disagree, but it's not end-all be-all by any means; people change so in time I'll probably have more things to say or statements to amend. Well, I plan to be alive for much longer than the 22.5 years I've already endured so, who really knows what will happen now. (boyfriend... boyfriend... boyfriend... still really want one but it sucks living in a remote part of the northeast US *sigh*)
I hope you all have a wonderful winter holiday experience. Or at least a peaceful one; take care~.
Well, my grandparents aren't fighting anymore so that's good news, kinda? Well, I guess I do understand getting a little caught up over words, it is a more common habit with my grandfather than it is for me, but I also forgive people faster so I still feel like the only sane adult around, heh. Nothing else really new of yet to discuss about the homefront.
I wish I could connect with people in a less... awkward fashion. I dunno, I suppose I really just worry too much on the whole thing but I'd say that just trying to set aside time to meet someone and following through is good... even if the person you're hoping to meet doesn't show. So, I tried to make a new acquaintance the other day, basically. He was already added to my friend list on this site for some time (probably a few weeks, I'm pretty selective on who I add to stuff), I was just browsing it recently and saw he had checked my profile (since you can see that, kinda handy I guess). So I just thought, "well, Friday probably isn't too bad of a day to find time to talk; end of the week and that jazz," and I simply send him a message inviting him to talk with me (including relevant contact info), feeling a little motivated by the fact that their last status message was asking for people to talk to in the first place. So, message sent and all that's left is to wait. I logged on to the requested IM system and waited... for the better part of 11 hours. No show. Well, it is around the holiday time, so it's fairly possible the guy was preoccupied with various obligations and maybe also it was just a "do nothing" day for him (I have them, myself). I'm a little down from basically wasting time sitting around doing nothing all that time (did have some conversation with a more regular friend for about half of the duration) but at least... I held up my part of the agreement, as casual and impromptu as it was.
I have been thinking of myself overall, well, just trying to pick out my good and not-so-good points, if only so I could try listing them and thus make myself seem not so hard to understand. I generally think most people don't really expect someone who doesn't know them too well to really care how they are or even want to talk to them... so, it's difficult trying to introduce someone as well, uncommon as me. I'm like so very simple and so extraordinarily complex at the same time, only few people really get me (and even then, not completely). That's fine though, as long as they're willing to accept whatever parts they do get, as I will always do my best to accept as much, if not all, of them that I can. Afterall, the only person who ever will be able to accept ALL of you is you alone; to hope otherwise is foolish and unwise, you'd be better off cloning yourself. And we certainly know there's plenty of people who are NOT entirely comfortable with their self. I wouldn't say I like everything about myself either, but I'm living with it, that's more than some people can say, too.
Regarding me now...
Good Points
-great level of patience (as you probably figured out, asides from casually browsing the net and chatting with one friend, I DID wait ~11 hours for a person I never even met afore...) that you probably won't find a lot of
-I'm really honest about pretty much everything, even if it doesn't make me look good (hello--blog, anyone?) which I do think shows a level of selfless righteousness, how often do you see that and are able to believe it (of course, I'm sure some people still think I'm impossible--why, thank you, I like being weird, yes!)
-I never pass judgment on people who don't give me anything to well--hate, for lack of better words; there are certain displays I certainly won't agree with but I assure you, unless you catch my attention in a positive light, then I certainly AM NOT thinking of you
-following that, I don't talk about people much when they aren't around; and I will freely pick at things I don't agree with about you, but this also shows that I find you important enough to comment on, to try to improve, or just to reach a better level of understanding for myself; sorta the bully concept, if you will, I only focus on people I actually like, leading to teasing or even scolding (that said, I don't really troll people because I don't like to spend excess time being "clever", straight up)
-I do tend to put others' well-being before my own; sometimes this shows in more iffy ways as I will explain when relevant~
-you how there's random people who think your nose is too big or too small or some other crap similar to that? at least I'm not one of them--and I'm not saying that I'd be entirely cool with someone with severe deformities, but I generally find I tend to have a broader aesthetic appreciation range than most; as always, your mileage will vary; you've best results if you try talking to me first if you want me to "rate" you to any degree
-you may (or may not) notice that I don't use much strong language, at least considering that this blog is entirely my personal thoughts; I think that's a minor good point and if you want my opinion, I think cursing only shows your lack of self-control in the most ugly way aside from outright committing a crime or resorting to violence
-yes, I'm pretty placid I'd say; if I raise a hand against you seriously, you'll know you really upset me by the point that I've lost regards for your safety; I'm not really a fighter, but mass and gravity tends to be in my favor in most cases
Not-So-Good Points
-I'm not comfortable with those "silent" types; if you don't want to talk when I start a conversation, you better tell me outright or I will not shut up at times, for better or worse (I mean, Really people!? it's the internet, you have every right to be as loud as you want and even tell people off as much as you want--stop being such emo doormats)
-"I don't know" is not good enough; if you don't know--think harder! take a break, come back to it after a while and you may notice something different; but lord help you if you constantly give me "I don't know" in response to what I'm saying; at least let me know you hear me and...
-instead of "I'm sorry", try "thank you for your input" when you feel lost and can't figure what to say--I don't like people who apologize when they have done NOTHING to me to be truly sorry for; why do I mention these things as my flaws? because I can be easily put-off if you give me these responses in a serious manner; I cannot help you if you will not try to help yourself; capisce?
-I don't care much for grammar, so please mind my way of stating things most of the time; I just try to get the point across as I'd actually say it and sometimes, even w-write in such a way if I'm really feeling uncertain to the point I would stammer the word in person; sometimes this bugs people, but I will clean it up a bit on say, forum posts
-I don't like people who pry; I will always back off when asked and I have a shorter patience for people prying into me--because honestly, it's usually nothing special to be worth your time, I can be boring, I don't need you to tell me; but sometimes I will tell you anyway--reverse psychology, and if anything, maybe you'll accrue better respect for me
In-Between Points
-I'm not the best at keeping secrets for the longest possible times, especially if it involves despicable behavior on your part and you ask me not to tell anyone; but, I won't make a big scene of it, it'd probably get dropped in a casual tone when it's easy to miss anyway--as they say, the guilt is far worse than anything so is it really fair for me to hide your crimes? I think not; you'll only mature after you accept where you went wrong
-Sometimes I can be more of the defiant/quiet-type; especially if you don't show an adequate level of respect towards me; particularly if you repeat things you've already said; allow me to be perfectly frank--I ALWAYS HEAR YOU THE FIRST TIME; now... in the event that I don't get something, then I will kindly admit so and then you may repeat the same statement; but also, sometimes I just really can't get behind certain things, like sports usually; but if you casually bring it up and ask my opinion on it, then I will say whatever I can and freely listen to you rant... if it means that much to you, I can be happy to hear you rattle on about it, because you're happy talking about it, make sense?
-I like the concept of sex because I view it as a means to express your passions and true feelings for others; so feel free to talk about it anytime, I want you to feel comfortable that you can do so, it's a true way of knowing you feel that at ease around me; and me, I will probably hit on you (particularly the men) now and then to some degree, but if you don't like it, say so and I certainly will respect your wishes; BUT! I am not a fan of cybersex, I have my reasons, if it's relevant when we're talking, I will tell you why
Well, that doesn't really cover everything, but I've been trucking at this entry for over 4 hours already. I hope eventually that, whoever reads this may feel able to comment on something. Agree or disagree, but it's not end-all be-all by any means; people change so in time I'll probably have more things to say or statements to amend. Well, I plan to be alive for much longer than the 22.5 years I've already endured so, who really knows what will happen now. (boyfriend... boyfriend... boyfriend... still really want one but it sucks living in a remote part of the northeast US *sigh*)
I hope you all have a wonderful winter holiday experience. Or at least a peaceful one; take care~.
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