Eh, why not? So, Happy Easter to whoever reads this (all 5 of you?), especially you, B, hope Hong Kong is being nice to you *pinches cheek*, lolol.
I tend to skip get-togethers on holidays not named Christmas and Thanksgiving, mainly because...
1). If there's more than 7 people other than myself present, I feel modestly overwhelmed. (Fact: I tend to be 30% more likely to do things, period, if left entirely by myself, including socializing, i.e. the internet.)
2). Pets, especially dogs and birds (pretty much anything that makes noise frequently) can really grate on me and I hate when non-humanoids invade my personal space.
3). At MOST holiday gatherings in East-Central PA, the food is so BORING. Well really because White European food itself bores me to tears. That and well, here's the general things offered, as an example:
-Ham (which I nearly never eat in any form excluding bacon at times)
-Broccoli covered in a crappy bacon dressing (except this "bacon", eww)
-Sweet potatoes (never eat them, I never liked the taste)
-Fruit salad (blegh, no)
-chocolate cake (I don't eat chocolate cake, as one may know, I prefer carrot)
-marshmallow peeps (I dun eat marshmallow either)
leaving me...
-corn on the cob
-some type of stuffing that appears to have potatoes mixed in (*commences eye-rolling*)
-white cake (...eh)
I can't eat the broccoli salad thing because of that dressing so like... all I'm getting is carbs and a starchy vegetable. Also, ham on Easter? Why not steak or duck or something other than HAM which you always make on Christmas anyway if you're of my family ethnicity? Augh.
Generally if I ever get in a committed relationship, I will seriously assert my preferences regarding something other than boring meat and fattening sides and boring as all get-out vegetables at my holiday meals. How am I supposed to come out of my shell with anyone if the food offers nothing I can't get at a diner in Jersey? (which some places thereat are scads better)
My "ideal" holiday menu would probably be more likely to feature:
-some variety of freshwater fish
-some variety of seafood
-an assortment of rice and pasta options
-some game meat (turkey, vension, goose, as examples) as the main protein
-at least two vegan/vegetarian entrees
-assorted sides/appetizers of salads, fried offerings, and quite possibly tacos
meaning that the biggest rules if you attend my residence on a holiday, BYOB and BYOD (bring your own booze--I don't drink, and bring your own dessert, I don't bake and all you'd likely find would be mints and tic tacs, frankly); lest whoever I end up with happens to be either a pastry chef or a wine connoisseur, then one of those conditions may verily vanish
Uh, how am I otherwise, you ask? (since this supposed to be an update, apparently) Egh, more or less the same. Still single (not that that ever matters, I mean, some people want to have sex with consenting couples which just bugs me on a personal level) and nothing much goes on with me. Besides the mediocre food that begs the question why I'm even overweight, since most stuff I get I would rather return, lol. I suppose that will have to suffice, internet.
SH2
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Internal Conflicts
Ominous post title is ominous, ooooo~.
I could seriously groan about some things though. Welp, so I'm single again. Not that that's a large surprise given my personal rapport but... its still mildly depressing. Oh well, I felt my connection to him fading about a month ago anyway and a week or more ago, the little scrod declares himself single and to "hit me up" in an update. Don't even bother trying to talk to the guy who would stick buy you so long as it was what you desired, just declare yourself open for business. No offense, but its just a little cheap. Do you even respect yourself? Did you even think, "hey, he's not talking much, maybe he thinks I'm busy or maybe, idk, he wants me to grab his attention with a simple, 'hi' once within 168 hours?" Honestly, I have my doubts, but I will not deny you making your own decisions. It's more than you've actively given me in months. I handed you my undivided devotion for 7, se-ven, months. I know I can't do much but I would have given you the moon if it were even possible. It's your loss.
I want to say that, but really, I don't feel I deserve to. I know how imperfect I am that it seriously hurts. My own mother just didn't care enough about me growing up. I have no father and my grandfather has lost his patience with my eons ago and we argue too easily over petty things. I do not envy my home life in the slightest.
I try very hard to be positive and kind to other people but it feels increasingly difficult lately. One acquaintance barely speaks to me. The one who speaks to me most actively has been in a series of odd extremes of interest and apathy lately that when I try to share things I'm happy to do so (in the act of share, discuss, etc.) I feel like I'm doing them more harm than good. It doesn't help they've felt slightly abused in their closest relationship outside myself (relatively speaking, this may not be fully accurate). One acquaintance I have to practically berate just to get them to talk to me like a normal human being with due respect and I feel like I lecture them a lot over things I shouldn't need to. And the last one, I have even less patience with and they are under the impression I'm always mean and tight wound with everyone ever.
Well, being single I guess lets me mingle. If you can even call it that. One person I do like, a lot. I genuinely want to know them better but its hard for me to say that straight out. I know they've also had a lot of bad luck (this is a person whose "first time" occurred when they were barely a teenager and could be described as non-consensual by some accounts) with relationships that they are likely more hesitant than ME at trying again. My timing appears to just really blow right now. Regardless of how they respond, I won't press them too much regardless. It's someone I really want to do right by (and I've been trying to do so each time aforehand as well) so its okay if he doesn't want to try Skype-ing me or whatnot. I just want to spend time with him because I have liked him for a long time already. I have more or less implied I certainly "like" him but well, you know, he may not think I "like him, like him", for some reason. I hope I haven't done anything to offend him or if there's something about me that somehow repulses him that I'm unaware of. One can hope.
Sometimes I also feel confused about my sexual identity. Not as far as whether I'm gay or not (still pretty certainly am) but regarding my "position" and stuff. I would like to top, but some people have given me the impression that a person isn't gay unless they've had butt sex and were receiving it (as a male). Yes I believe this is bull (because girls can plug their straight mates' arses with a dildo if it so fancies them to be perfectly frank) but SOME people act snobbish towards others just because they feel because they have experience it gives them the right to levy the, "but how do you know!? you haven't done it" card. And that is just rude, okay. Maybe I don't want to take it because I don't WANT TO, I certainly don't need to have any sex, okay? I at least deserve to have my first time be how I want because most of the time I'm too focused on what everyone else wants and when they leave me I feel that I failed to be of any worth to them! I failed to make them happy, to make them unable to find their way out of sorrow, to realize they could be happy with me. So excuse me if I want to top a person once in my life because I like to GIVE more than RECEIVE in every sense of the word. I'm so shy about my body because my family never supports me in anything and my grandfather puts me down all the time, insisting I go on extreme crash diets like its perfectly normal. And I don't care about being attractive. I want to be desired for things other than my appearance. .-. But according to my family, "no one will want to be with you (me) because of how you look and you never do anything". Yep.
The latter point is total bull. I do plenty, at times I feel I'm doing too much. I just don't have drive to do certain things like drive a vehicle, or work out, or "socialize" (hah, what a joke, like I'm going to drive 30 minutes to even get towards civilization and come home just to say I did something with people, the people that close are mostly boring as dirt anyway). Not for just myself. For another... maybe. It's easier. If they at least talk to me enough and sincerely want it themself. All you really need to say is, "I want it for you because... it's you," and if I know myself and have gotten to know you, I'll probably believe you then. And it will be enough. You (to my future lover) are enough.
'Til next time, readers.
I could seriously groan about some things though. Welp, so I'm single again. Not that that's a large surprise given my personal rapport but... its still mildly depressing. Oh well, I felt my connection to him fading about a month ago anyway and a week or more ago, the little scrod declares himself single and to "hit me up" in an update. Don't even bother trying to talk to the guy who would stick buy you so long as it was what you desired, just declare yourself open for business. No offense, but its just a little cheap. Do you even respect yourself? Did you even think, "hey, he's not talking much, maybe he thinks I'm busy or maybe, idk, he wants me to grab his attention with a simple, 'hi' once within 168 hours?" Honestly, I have my doubts, but I will not deny you making your own decisions. It's more than you've actively given me in months. I handed you my undivided devotion for 7, se-ven, months. I know I can't do much but I would have given you the moon if it were even possible. It's your loss.
I want to say that, but really, I don't feel I deserve to. I know how imperfect I am that it seriously hurts. My own mother just didn't care enough about me growing up. I have no father and my grandfather has lost his patience with my eons ago and we argue too easily over petty things. I do not envy my home life in the slightest.
I try very hard to be positive and kind to other people but it feels increasingly difficult lately. One acquaintance barely speaks to me. The one who speaks to me most actively has been in a series of odd extremes of interest and apathy lately that when I try to share things I'm happy to do so (in the act of share, discuss, etc.) I feel like I'm doing them more harm than good. It doesn't help they've felt slightly abused in their closest relationship outside myself (relatively speaking, this may not be fully accurate). One acquaintance I have to practically berate just to get them to talk to me like a normal human being with due respect and I feel like I lecture them a lot over things I shouldn't need to. And the last one, I have even less patience with and they are under the impression I'm always mean and tight wound with everyone ever.
Well, being single I guess lets me mingle. If you can even call it that. One person I do like, a lot. I genuinely want to know them better but its hard for me to say that straight out. I know they've also had a lot of bad luck (this is a person whose "first time" occurred when they were barely a teenager and could be described as non-consensual by some accounts) with relationships that they are likely more hesitant than ME at trying again. My timing appears to just really blow right now. Regardless of how they respond, I won't press them too much regardless. It's someone I really want to do right by (and I've been trying to do so each time aforehand as well) so its okay if he doesn't want to try Skype-ing me or whatnot. I just want to spend time with him because I have liked him for a long time already. I have more or less implied I certainly "like" him but well, you know, he may not think I "like him, like him", for some reason. I hope I haven't done anything to offend him or if there's something about me that somehow repulses him that I'm unaware of. One can hope.
Sometimes I also feel confused about my sexual identity. Not as far as whether I'm gay or not (still pretty certainly am) but regarding my "position" and stuff. I would like to top, but some people have given me the impression that a person isn't gay unless they've had butt sex and were receiving it (as a male). Yes I believe this is bull (because girls can plug their straight mates' arses with a dildo if it so fancies them to be perfectly frank) but SOME people act snobbish towards others just because they feel because they have experience it gives them the right to levy the, "but how do you know!? you haven't done it" card. And that is just rude, okay. Maybe I don't want to take it because I don't WANT TO, I certainly don't need to have any sex, okay? I at least deserve to have my first time be how I want because most of the time I'm too focused on what everyone else wants and when they leave me I feel that I failed to be of any worth to them! I failed to make them happy, to make them unable to find their way out of sorrow, to realize they could be happy with me. So excuse me if I want to top a person once in my life because I like to GIVE more than RECEIVE in every sense of the word. I'm so shy about my body because my family never supports me in anything and my grandfather puts me down all the time, insisting I go on extreme crash diets like its perfectly normal. And I don't care about being attractive. I want to be desired for things other than my appearance. .-. But according to my family, "no one will want to be with you (me) because of how you look and you never do anything". Yep.
The latter point is total bull. I do plenty, at times I feel I'm doing too much. I just don't have drive to do certain things like drive a vehicle, or work out, or "socialize" (hah, what a joke, like I'm going to drive 30 minutes to even get towards civilization and come home just to say I did something with people, the people that close are mostly boring as dirt anyway). Not for just myself. For another... maybe. It's easier. If they at least talk to me enough and sincerely want it themself. All you really need to say is, "I want it for you because... it's you," and if I know myself and have gotten to know you, I'll probably believe you then. And it will be enough. You (to my future lover) are enough.
'Til next time, readers.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Resonance
What? Were you expecting this post to be titled "resolutions" because its being drafted on January 1st? It's like you don't even know me at all. Anyway...
I don't get why people refer to skin tones by colors, especially when those colors don't even match well. So here's the real list of complexions: Cream, Peach, Cinnamon, Caramel, Chocolate, Licorice. I dare you to argue with the truth. (see, people are naturally sweet, but all of those listed components also have bitter notes, it's utterly perfect)
I frankly do not comprehend some people's hang-ups on their appearance making them "naturally predisposed to negative criticism" (that quote being a summary of some people's exact feelings on the matter). Unless you explicitly choose to modify your natural appearance (an extreme example being the late M. Jackson) then you have no right to obsess over something as vain and empty because hey... you have no true control over what you look like. Yes, you can alter your diet and exercise plan to achieve some level of self-gratification, but you're still always going to look like your parents whether you damn well like it or not. I digress; it's just... in at least a slight majority, your parents must have found some attraction and/or comfort in each other to have been able to conceive your life, y'know? If you were born of love, or at least born out of the mutual glimmering of two souls... you're not ugly. And for those unfortunate to not have been conceived under those circumstances... one soul was still shining, and now so is your own.
Bah, it's just... life is so precious. I hope you can understand, readers, why I am so hurt by people who would harm or prematurely end such a thing. It's a large part of why smoking cigarettes and the like bothers me so much, let alone it irritating my ability to even breathe if I'm exposed to the noxious gases. And it is why I could never just abide someone having suicidal thoughts. It's never too late to affect someone, to have the chance to make just one person other than yourself feel better. You can accomplish that just by being around them, just by talking to someone new. You're only as alone as you choose to let yourself feel. So stop it... because you're hurting me, you selfish punks. I think you get the idea. P:
Yes, I think about things like the above. Not to a degree I'd consider completely unnatural, but probably more than an average citizen. I like to hope maybe that's what some people might find attractive about me, if they get to know me. I also like to hope that maybe, on occasion, someone genuinely found me attractive, perhaps by my looks or my ideals, or perhaps just my honesty in the general way I respond to queries on a social media website. And that maybe, for an unknown quantity of time, they sat and looked at a picture of me and felt a degree of happiness. At times I do that, myself. That is, sometimes when I'm just perusing the internet through personal blogs and social media, I just happen upon one or more persons I find likable, maybe not even people I would even be comfortable speaking to face to face, but for just a moment, I feel better, having seen or reading of such a person. I feel better because there's still people I can like in the world and feel less alone. It's a wonderful feeling.
Today is Jerod's birthday and well, he also contributes feelings of the aforementioned quality. Probably in ways he nor most may expect. Yep. ^_^
I don't get why people refer to skin tones by colors, especially when those colors don't even match well. So here's the real list of complexions: Cream, Peach, Cinnamon, Caramel, Chocolate, Licorice. I dare you to argue with the truth. (see, people are naturally sweet, but all of those listed components also have bitter notes, it's utterly perfect)
I frankly do not comprehend some people's hang-ups on their appearance making them "naturally predisposed to negative criticism" (that quote being a summary of some people's exact feelings on the matter). Unless you explicitly choose to modify your natural appearance (an extreme example being the late M. Jackson) then you have no right to obsess over something as vain and empty because hey... you have no true control over what you look like. Yes, you can alter your diet and exercise plan to achieve some level of self-gratification, but you're still always going to look like your parents whether you damn well like it or not. I digress; it's just... in at least a slight majority, your parents must have found some attraction and/or comfort in each other to have been able to conceive your life, y'know? If you were born of love, or at least born out of the mutual glimmering of two souls... you're not ugly. And for those unfortunate to not have been conceived under those circumstances... one soul was still shining, and now so is your own.
Bah, it's just... life is so precious. I hope you can understand, readers, why I am so hurt by people who would harm or prematurely end such a thing. It's a large part of why smoking cigarettes and the like bothers me so much, let alone it irritating my ability to even breathe if I'm exposed to the noxious gases. And it is why I could never just abide someone having suicidal thoughts. It's never too late to affect someone, to have the chance to make just one person other than yourself feel better. You can accomplish that just by being around them, just by talking to someone new. You're only as alone as you choose to let yourself feel. So stop it... because you're hurting me, you selfish punks. I think you get the idea. P:
Yes, I think about things like the above. Not to a degree I'd consider completely unnatural, but probably more than an average citizen. I like to hope maybe that's what some people might find attractive about me, if they get to know me. I also like to hope that maybe, on occasion, someone genuinely found me attractive, perhaps by my looks or my ideals, or perhaps just my honesty in the general way I respond to queries on a social media website. And that maybe, for an unknown quantity of time, they sat and looked at a picture of me and felt a degree of happiness. At times I do that, myself. That is, sometimes when I'm just perusing the internet through personal blogs and social media, I just happen upon one or more persons I find likable, maybe not even people I would even be comfortable speaking to face to face, but for just a moment, I feel better, having seen or reading of such a person. I feel better because there's still people I can like in the world and feel less alone. It's a wonderful feeling.
Today is Jerod's birthday and well, he also contributes feelings of the aforementioned quality. Probably in ways he nor most may expect. Yep. ^_^
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Thought, Serial
Punny title has puns. But it is fitting. Sort of. My thoughts are rarely that organized anyway. It should be obvious since most of this blog (collectively, not this post alone) is ranting and raving. Indubitably.
So for those who may be unaware, (okay, that is likely a vast majority of the world but the small collective of people who've read this blog are likely more aware) my Myers-Briggs personality typology classifies me as INFJ (the J portion is so gray that INFP also fits me just as much). That is to say...
I am introverted, meaning I am usually more interested in ideas than on what's going on around me ("I"). I learn in a more abstract manner than from concrete facts ("N"). I make decisions based on how I believe myself and others are affected personally rather than being supported by impersonal cause and effect ("F"). And I very slightly prefer order and planning when it comes to others than I do leaving things to spontaneity ("J"). (That last bit is undoubtedly true, especially when it comes to other people making decisions for me--which I truly loathe, I wish to be consulted with due notice on most accounts unless it is utterly urgent, like life-or-death).
The fact I am introverted does alienate me a lot in regards to my grandfather, who constantly expresses his want for me to "get out and socialize" which is just something that never was my interest. Honestly, I prefer to sit, indoors, reading most of the day, sometimes talking with friends and that is about it... it's enough to offer me a small degree of contentedness. Yet this is so foreign to him that he always berates me for my lack of desire to do much and often threatens to cut me off from doing so just to coerce me into seeking alternative outlets. I AM NOT YOU! (to grandfather) I don't like talking to every random person I happen to know when passing them in public, the way you do. I don't enjoy "get togethers", and I do not enjoy divulging my private life to anyone other than me and the persons involved. (this is a reference to his past history of eavesdropping on my phone conversations, even those with my mother, no less) I am not attending counseling to "change my ways", it's so someone can listen to me in the way you seem entirely incapable of doing. Unbiased, yet willing out of concern. Honest and fair if they need to be, never forceful. It's no wonder I find most aggression such a turn off because you yell at me so easily for the most minor of grievances. I don't hate you, but you make it very difficult for me to live in happiness to the point I can barely go through a holiday without crying over your STUPID, ASININE STUBBORNNESS.
... I really needed to vent that, my apologies to the readers.
A fair portion of my friends are introverted but it is not necessarily a precursor for my basis of relationships. Of the three people I have (up to the present) felt intimately attached to and wanted in a complete sense, the first was introverted, the second was borderline (more extroverted than me but similar in other aspects) and the third, current one is probably extroverted (he seems so). And I am fine with that. Because, in the present and any future case, I will do everything to make my partner feel like they are the most important thing in the world. I may not hit one over the head with it, (it's okay if we don't talk every day) but it is my desire. To me, they are (excluding my own life, not me personally, but I will not die for anyone, in simple words). I am able to exert a degree of dominance when I deem it necessary but honestly, as long as you don't give in to promiscuity nor do anything to harm yourself or others, you can do pretty much anything you would want in a relationship with me. Because I value freedom, especially emotional freedoms. To feel like your heart is free, to grow and continuously give love where it's due is really one of the few ideals that keeps me sane and mildly optimistic. I would like to think that's something my boyfriend likes about me, since he's said he does feel like I truly care about him (which is one of the best compliments one can receive, in my opinion). Yes.
So for those who may be unaware, (okay, that is likely a vast majority of the world but the small collective of people who've read this blog are likely more aware) my Myers-Briggs personality typology classifies me as INFJ (the J portion is so gray that INFP also fits me just as much). That is to say...
I am introverted, meaning I am usually more interested in ideas than on what's going on around me ("I"). I learn in a more abstract manner than from concrete facts ("N"). I make decisions based on how I believe myself and others are affected personally rather than being supported by impersonal cause and effect ("F"). And I very slightly prefer order and planning when it comes to others than I do leaving things to spontaneity ("J"). (That last bit is undoubtedly true, especially when it comes to other people making decisions for me--which I truly loathe, I wish to be consulted with due notice on most accounts unless it is utterly urgent, like life-or-death).
The fact I am introverted does alienate me a lot in regards to my grandfather, who constantly expresses his want for me to "get out and socialize" which is just something that never was my interest. Honestly, I prefer to sit, indoors, reading most of the day, sometimes talking with friends and that is about it... it's enough to offer me a small degree of contentedness. Yet this is so foreign to him that he always berates me for my lack of desire to do much and often threatens to cut me off from doing so just to coerce me into seeking alternative outlets. I AM NOT YOU! (to grandfather) I don't like talking to every random person I happen to know when passing them in public, the way you do. I don't enjoy "get togethers", and I do not enjoy divulging my private life to anyone other than me and the persons involved. (this is a reference to his past history of eavesdropping on my phone conversations, even those with my mother, no less) I am not attending counseling to "change my ways", it's so someone can listen to me in the way you seem entirely incapable of doing. Unbiased, yet willing out of concern. Honest and fair if they need to be, never forceful. It's no wonder I find most aggression such a turn off because you yell at me so easily for the most minor of grievances. I don't hate you, but you make it very difficult for me to live in happiness to the point I can barely go through a holiday without crying over your STUPID, ASININE STUBBORNNESS.
... I really needed to vent that, my apologies to the readers.
A fair portion of my friends are introverted but it is not necessarily a precursor for my basis of relationships. Of the three people I have (up to the present) felt intimately attached to and wanted in a complete sense, the first was introverted, the second was borderline (more extroverted than me but similar in other aspects) and the third, current one is probably extroverted (he seems so). And I am fine with that. Because, in the present and any future case, I will do everything to make my partner feel like they are the most important thing in the world. I may not hit one over the head with it, (it's okay if we don't talk every day) but it is my desire. To me, they are (excluding my own life, not me personally, but I will not die for anyone, in simple words). I am able to exert a degree of dominance when I deem it necessary but honestly, as long as you don't give in to promiscuity nor do anything to harm yourself or others, you can do pretty much anything you would want in a relationship with me. Because I value freedom, especially emotional freedoms. To feel like your heart is free, to grow and continuously give love where it's due is really one of the few ideals that keeps me sane and mildly optimistic. I would like to think that's something my boyfriend likes about me, since he's said he does feel like I truly care about him (which is one of the best compliments one can receive, in my opinion). Yes.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Bored Now...
Yeah, really...
+2 respect points if you realized this post's title is a quote and +3 more if you correctly guess what it's from.
It's sorta half-true, though. Jerod returned to speak with me again. My inner reaction to this can be summarized as follows: "F*king Yes! YES!!!" Pretty much.
It was hard because I went well over a month without hearing from him and I just... love him so much. I tend to jinx myself everytime I say that about someone but each time I meant it, so ya know what? I don't care!
He's doing better it seems, he has a job. So, I'm happy about that. I should think about either applying more or *shudder* driving. It's hard to get behind the idea of the latter. Had a few close calls early on when I was riding with my mom early on in life, but nothing too serious, I think. I only vaguely remember the events anyway. It just bores me so (driving). I'm not much of an outgoing sort as well. But I would go most anywhere with Jerod. I want to spend as much time as I can in his company when I have the chances. ^^
So I know I mainly want to drive uh, in case of real emergency and to see him sooner. Despite that, I have limited income for now so that's a less tempting option. Work's always been slack in my immediate area, too. Hmm, well maybe I'll just keep an extra eye out for openings (mostly small store positions if anything).
I should preface that I don't like going out by myself. It really depends on who is with me (solo, yeah probably not going to anything). I enjoy being with friends but I haven't had many, even fewer that lived in my neighborhood. I try to reach out online though.
I saw this posted on someone's tumblr, but let's be real here.
Hmm, I think this is all I wish to say for now~.
+2 respect points if you realized this post's title is a quote and +3 more if you correctly guess what it's from.
It's sorta half-true, though. Jerod returned to speak with me again. My inner reaction to this can be summarized as follows: "F*king Yes! YES!!!" Pretty much.
It was hard because I went well over a month without hearing from him and I just... love him so much. I tend to jinx myself everytime I say that about someone but each time I meant it, so ya know what? I don't care!
He's doing better it seems, he has a job. So, I'm happy about that. I should think about either applying more or *shudder* driving. It's hard to get behind the idea of the latter. Had a few close calls early on when I was riding with my mom early on in life, but nothing too serious, I think. I only vaguely remember the events anyway. It just bores me so (driving). I'm not much of an outgoing sort as well. But I would go most anywhere with Jerod. I want to spend as much time as I can in his company when I have the chances. ^^
So I know I mainly want to drive uh, in case of real emergency and to see him sooner. Despite that, I have limited income for now so that's a less tempting option. Work's always been slack in my immediate area, too. Hmm, well maybe I'll just keep an extra eye out for openings (mostly small store positions if anything).
I should preface that I don't like going out by myself. It really depends on who is with me (solo, yeah probably not going to anything). I enjoy being with friends but I haven't had many, even fewer that lived in my neighborhood. I try to reach out online though.
I saw this posted on someone's tumblr, but let's be real here.
what girls think guys do at sleepovers:(what kinda guys are these? only the last one is even remotely realistic, ho!)
what guys really do at sleepovers:
- play xbox
- rate girls at their school
- smoke weed
- gay sex
- anal fisting
- make out sessions
what RB does at sleepovers:
- play xbox (or whatever videogames are available)
- gaze longingly at the boyfriend and more or less cuddle him into a coma ('cause no way I'm going to any sleepover otherwise)
- eat everyone's leftovers lest its things I don't like (lol, my childhood and early teens right there)
Hmm, I think this is all I wish to say for now~.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
I Answer Some Questions; and stuff~
Have to say, I always love answering questions. Well, particularly personal questions that don't offend me (most don't). And so I will. All of these particular ones are from Tab Kimpton's kickstarter project which ultimately will lead him to continuing the story of his popular(?) webcomic: Khaos. It's pretty good; centers around teenage/young adult gay, trans and people in general. 'Course they could all be straight and it'd hardly change anything, just how things turn out because you can't really change their personality and history without drastically altering the series as it is. Pretty much though, most of the characters aren't that... outspoken except perhaps Tom (who's honestly a jerk but frequently made aware of it, lol).
I haven't heard from Jer still; I do hope he's okay and I'm wondering--if he is around, why isn't he trying to really talk to me? Did I do something wrong? I don't have any reason to hate him, even if (heaven forbid) he was disloyal to me, so what? That doesn't mean I love him any less. I'm pretty much at the point where... yeah, if I'm sorta going with someone and they cheat on me, I'll hardly care. I'll be disappointed but so what? As long as I never hurt them, I don't really see why they should turn from me. What hurts is simply not knowing... not hearing from a person you're genuinely happy to be around. It's like a hug with no squeeze, a sandwich with no cheese, it's just... empty. I wish he would even try to call me or something... his voice was really nice, judging by what little I've heard of it, at least.
So anywhose... questionnes!
Are catboys hot? Y/N?
Who do you think you're talking to? Of course they are; cats are pretty cool irl and so men acting like cats--always rather adorable. Give or take some habits. I generally prefer them over catgirls just because catgirls tend to be done to death. But what bothers me are when people who really don't suit them play them anyway. Some people just suit other animals more and there's nothing more grating than pretending to be what you're not.
Food sex? Y/N?
Okay, it depends on what it is. Like pizza toppings, you could work them into foreplay. So my answer is, uh, sure--as long as I can clean up in between. And naturally he and I would need to pre-approve whatever's involved. (Never spring this on me or I will be livid).
What's the coolest outfit you imagine your favorite original character in? (this was limited to Khaos by the ask-er but I thought to expand it for my own sanity; all Khaos characters belong to Tab anyway)
This one will be a while... *now calculating... now calculating...*
Well I'll go with the OC closest to me (Ran) even though I don't truly treat them as a self-insert (even then, I pretty much pick at all my flaws regularly with them) soo... typically a Beret (the hat), some type of vest or sweater, simple pants (possibly leather) and some black leather boots so polished they shine... lol. Idk, I like simple designs, call me strange! What would I call it? Um... its kind of a cross between formal wear and street gang. High class punk? No clue~.
Who's your favorite (fictional or not) friend(s)? Strictly platonic.
Well, that would have to be Alexander (even if he never reads this; also that is not his real name). In fact, we don't always agree on much. But he's always there to listen to me. I'll admit, it hurts sometimes when he just doesn't get my opinion on things. But unlike many people, (as very few fit this) he's there, a lot. That really is pretty important. And unlike a few others who come close, I don't have to hold anything back. (just being able to share everything is a great boon and I can't with everyone because of making people uncomfortable with certain truths and things I like)
Ever had a crush on a friend's sibling?
Well that depends on what you define as "friend". If acquaintance counts, yes, seeing as I spoke to my first boyfriend's sister a bit before he and I truly were dating for a bit. So, only technically. (since I was going with her brother and not opposed to her as a person)
If your characters were fruit, what would they be?
God I don't like fruit as much as vegetables (which I actually did make a comparison, months ago).
But I'll try... (only going to go with my most common ones)
Ran - pineapple; tall, rather mellow, very sweet, has a starkly misleading exterior (ironically, I personally loathe pineapples!)
Boh - blueberry; bit of an acquired taste and only really speaks [to me] when baked into a dessert which speaks of his personality -- it has to grow on you and you either like it or don't and despite his "raw taste", he can surprise you (like blueberry muffins)
Alexander - lime; he can come off sour, but he compliments those he associates well (just as limes mingle well in savory and sweet dishes with other ingredients), he would be missed if he left just as you might miss the lime if taken out of anything that typically calls for it
Jeauno - grape; kinda fragile and has been known to be overextended, but even so, she comes off friendly and good company when you're down (this is a wine metaphor)
Mica - pumpkin; cute, but unpredictable just as there are many shapes and sizes of the pumpkin; his true self is just as playful and wholesome as his outside; pumpkins also make great sweet dishes (and he likes to bake, how fitting~)
If someone gives you flowers, what kind would they be?
Oh, I would love hyacinth, because they have a mythological story behind their name that I like (the story). And they're purple! But any flower would be fine. ^^
What's the best tea you ever tasted?
That would be "none" because the taste of tea, and hot drinks in general, is not something I like much at all. I don't really like iced tea either.
Have you ever had the 'fireworks' feeling in romance novels of old?
Well, not quite. Close, probably. But I hope to, eventually.
If you had a biographical profile written on you, what would be your "likes and dislikes"? Up to three of each.
Likes: jRPGs, shades of purple, open communication
Dislikes: hot drinks, "kinks", competing
Given no money constraints and pain receptions, what body modification would you have done?
You want an honest answer? Possibly liposuction. But really, just get rid of half my body fat and fit my skin to match and I would be pretty darn content. I'm not into tattoos or piercings enough to seriously consider any for myself. : |
What's your least favorite body part?
Quick answer--genitals. Otherwise... I don't believe I have anything I dislike or as easily repulsed by (man or woman).
Do you prefer Summer or Winter, and why?
Winter. I hate being hot and its easier for me to compensate if I do feel too cold. And its a much better time for cuddling... which I want~.
What's the sexiest national clothing to you?
Clothes... this is a hard question because I don't have much of an interest in fashion. I just don't care, truly.
What's the best present you ever received?
Computers are pretty darn important, so I'll say those, even if only my grandfather gave me the majority of presents I ever received.
Favorite sport? How about your least favorite?
I like to watch tennis a lot actually (not that I often do though). I really don't care for football or wrestling though. It's hard to think of which I dislike more.
Can you chill in just your underwear, even around other people?
Easily actually, I do so a lot. But I dress in a bit more around less personal company (usually I'm left to myself on most days and I've answered the door in just boxers before, I don't do this intentionally though, it depends how harried I am). I dislike being totally bare though.
What's your favorite color of underwear?
I don't have one. Not fond of most reds and pink though.
What's the nicest place for hair to be on the body?
Not counting the head? Eh, I don't really care as long as its not too thick (not fond of beards or shag in general)
Do you have an inner-self that says all the horrible/perverted things you can't?
I would say no; I'm pretty much the same offline as I type hear. I just won't talk that much unless I choose to/feel up to it. I can be as honest as I need to be and generally speaking, I'm not that perverted, not compared to many other people I'm aware of.
Bye for now, people!
I haven't heard from Jer still; I do hope he's okay and I'm wondering--if he is around, why isn't he trying to really talk to me? Did I do something wrong? I don't have any reason to hate him, even if (heaven forbid) he was disloyal to me, so what? That doesn't mean I love him any less. I'm pretty much at the point where... yeah, if I'm sorta going with someone and they cheat on me, I'll hardly care. I'll be disappointed but so what? As long as I never hurt them, I don't really see why they should turn from me. What hurts is simply not knowing... not hearing from a person you're genuinely happy to be around. It's like a hug with no squeeze, a sandwich with no cheese, it's just... empty. I wish he would even try to call me or something... his voice was really nice, judging by what little I've heard of it, at least.
So anywhose... questionnes!
Are catboys hot? Y/N?
Who do you think you're talking to? Of course they are; cats are pretty cool irl and so men acting like cats--always rather adorable. Give or take some habits. I generally prefer them over catgirls just because catgirls tend to be done to death. But what bothers me are when people who really don't suit them play them anyway. Some people just suit other animals more and there's nothing more grating than pretending to be what you're not.
Food sex? Y/N?
Okay, it depends on what it is. Like pizza toppings, you could work them into foreplay. So my answer is, uh, sure--as long as I can clean up in between. And naturally he and I would need to pre-approve whatever's involved. (Never spring this on me or I will be livid).
What's the coolest outfit you imagine your favorite original character in? (this was limited to Khaos by the ask-er but I thought to expand it for my own sanity; all Khaos characters belong to Tab anyway)
This one will be a while... *now calculating... now calculating...*
Well I'll go with the OC closest to me (Ran) even though I don't truly treat them as a self-insert (even then, I pretty much pick at all my flaws regularly with them) soo... typically a Beret (the hat), some type of vest or sweater, simple pants (possibly leather) and some black leather boots so polished they shine... lol. Idk, I like simple designs, call me strange! What would I call it? Um... its kind of a cross between formal wear and street gang. High class punk? No clue~.
Who's your favorite (fictional or not) friend(s)? Strictly platonic.
Well, that would have to be Alexander (even if he never reads this; also that is not his real name). In fact, we don't always agree on much. But he's always there to listen to me. I'll admit, it hurts sometimes when he just doesn't get my opinion on things. But unlike many people, (as very few fit this) he's there, a lot. That really is pretty important. And unlike a few others who come close, I don't have to hold anything back. (just being able to share everything is a great boon and I can't with everyone because of making people uncomfortable with certain truths and things I like)
Ever had a crush on a friend's sibling?
Well that depends on what you define as "friend". If acquaintance counts, yes, seeing as I spoke to my first boyfriend's sister a bit before he and I truly were dating for a bit. So, only technically. (since I was going with her brother and not opposed to her as a person)
If your characters were fruit, what would they be?
God I don't like fruit as much as vegetables (which I actually did make a comparison, months ago).
But I'll try... (only going to go with my most common ones)
Ran - pineapple; tall, rather mellow, very sweet, has a starkly misleading exterior (ironically, I personally loathe pineapples!)
Boh - blueberry; bit of an acquired taste and only really speaks [to me] when baked into a dessert which speaks of his personality -- it has to grow on you and you either like it or don't and despite his "raw taste", he can surprise you (like blueberry muffins)
Alexander - lime; he can come off sour, but he compliments those he associates well (just as limes mingle well in savory and sweet dishes with other ingredients), he would be missed if he left just as you might miss the lime if taken out of anything that typically calls for it
Jeauno - grape; kinda fragile and has been known to be overextended, but even so, she comes off friendly and good company when you're down (this is a wine metaphor)
Mica - pumpkin; cute, but unpredictable just as there are many shapes and sizes of the pumpkin; his true self is just as playful and wholesome as his outside; pumpkins also make great sweet dishes (and he likes to bake, how fitting~)
If someone gives you flowers, what kind would they be?
Oh, I would love hyacinth, because they have a mythological story behind their name that I like (the story). And they're purple! But any flower would be fine. ^^
What's the best tea you ever tasted?
That would be "none" because the taste of tea, and hot drinks in general, is not something I like much at all. I don't really like iced tea either.
Have you ever had the 'fireworks' feeling in romance novels of old?
Well, not quite. Close, probably. But I hope to, eventually.
If you had a biographical profile written on you, what would be your "likes and dislikes"? Up to three of each.
Likes: jRPGs, shades of purple, open communication
Dislikes: hot drinks, "kinks", competing
Given no money constraints and pain receptions, what body modification would you have done?
You want an honest answer? Possibly liposuction. But really, just get rid of half my body fat and fit my skin to match and I would be pretty darn content. I'm not into tattoos or piercings enough to seriously consider any for myself. : |
What's your least favorite body part?
Quick answer--genitals. Otherwise... I don't believe I have anything I dislike or as easily repulsed by (man or woman).
Do you prefer Summer or Winter, and why?
Winter. I hate being hot and its easier for me to compensate if I do feel too cold. And its a much better time for cuddling... which I want~.
What's the sexiest national clothing to you?
Clothes... this is a hard question because I don't have much of an interest in fashion. I just don't care, truly.
What's the best present you ever received?
Computers are pretty darn important, so I'll say those, even if only my grandfather gave me the majority of presents I ever received.
Favorite sport? How about your least favorite?
I like to watch tennis a lot actually (not that I often do though). I really don't care for football or wrestling though. It's hard to think of which I dislike more.
Can you chill in just your underwear, even around other people?
Easily actually, I do so a lot. But I dress in a bit more around less personal company (usually I'm left to myself on most days and I've answered the door in just boxers before, I don't do this intentionally though, it depends how harried I am). I dislike being totally bare though.
What's your favorite color of underwear?
I don't have one. Not fond of most reds and pink though.
What's the nicest place for hair to be on the body?
Not counting the head? Eh, I don't really care as long as its not too thick (not fond of beards or shag in general)
Do you have an inner-self that says all the horrible/perverted things you can't?
I would say no; I'm pretty much the same offline as I type hear. I just won't talk that much unless I choose to/feel up to it. I can be as honest as I need to be and generally speaking, I'm not that perverted, not compared to many other people I'm aware of.
Bye for now, people!
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Saccharine-Induced Headache
Maybe. It really hurts... okay its not the worst I've had but it won't... bloody... go... away; AAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dammit I miss Jerod, like I miss him so much I wonder if that's part of why my head hurts. Possibly. The past few nights its hard to think of anything else because um, well I haven't heard from him in roughly 3 weeks now. Idk, it feels like ages. Y'know, when you get used to a daily habit and it just goes *poof*. No wonder people get so hooked on drugs, sort of. On one hand, I'm kind of glad he's not coming on to me right now... I am in no position to refuse, well, at least if the pain stops entirely first. And of course I'm not really looking for any replacements either... I can hold out a while for people, its one of my better qualities, I am patient. I also am a big procrastinator anyway, kinda need to be patient... with myself, lol.
I think I am way overstressed for a person who actually does so little. You could say its the fervor and depth of what little I do that is so draining on my physique and psyche that yeah, I do tire easily for a person not doing much. I have some stamina but boy does it get wracked on a daily basis. The emotional torment I have to endure every damn time my grandfather talks about my weight and appearance with utterly no tact, it could break a lesser man. I don't hate him, I hate how he chooses to express himself with such crass and biggotry. And do not talk to me about his personal health which seems to be failing him lately. Pot calling kettles black is what he's amounting to, pretty much.
It's not even him that's the sole cause of my stress. I was utterly livid when I read a comment on the aesthetic design of a fictional character where some Imbecile called out a character on having "nigger lips" (direct quote) and that being unappealing to that commentator. Oh my loving God, someone, SMITE this person. Please? Pretty please? I would be eternally grateful. You don't say such stupid things, AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *headdesk*
Small update: pain's a little less significant at the moment, venting might be helping pass the time of recovery.
In other news, I am having way too much enjoyment picking up Exit Fate and raising most of the army's levels to obscene numbers. I don't think you can feasibly hit lv99 without excessive grinding (to the simple point of tedious) but dang if it isn't fun getting everyone up to 85+ (which is all you need to finish everything including the completely optional content). I really like running theme parties based on the relation boosts (which is why Daniel works so well with Jovian and Angel) but its hard to get a diverse party with significant boosts as many mages favor other mages and you really don't need more than two (or one if their really solid like Midian, Myst or Mai) dedicated spell-slingers on your team; and warriors tend to enjoy each others' company; that said, a Matrech-themed group of Erin, Jasper, Carson, Merrick, Charles Ryan and Beau is very sound and balanced even if its hard to determine who to place up front with Erin (probably Merrick, second best physical defense of them which is all that matters for people in the vanguard). I wish the game had a few more female characters though, I don't like the ratio even if people are namby-pamby about women in combat, hey their are plenty of women in the armed forces nowdays, you're allowed to cast them in fictional combat, too! Stupid sexist imbeciles. Every straight male is such a spineless scrod around the concept of female dominance, and people wonder why I prefer homo/bisexual friends to converse with. They aren't following all your nonsensical rules. Rules that prevent people that love each other from being treated as humanely and justly (as in, with equal rights and privileges) as everyone else ARE ASININE. Now I don't mean you should be allowed to marry any little thing, but two consenting adults should be entitled as long as they are clearly in sound mind and intent.
Oh, right. IF you like a man or woman, then it does not matter what's going on downstairs. You either like men, women, both, or none at all. It's that simple. TRANS MEN ARE MEN. TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN. Never think you are suddenly straight, bi or pan because you, a primarily gay male, thought a trans man was hot. He's a MAN you IMBECILE! (obviously this was bugging me a lot because some loser dared suggest they were anything but gay when they found a guy they were attracted to wasn't always a guy on the outside; it's what's inside that matters! ugh, I hate shallow people, so, SO much!)
I'll share with you another sweet dream, next night.
(Vampire Knight 4 Lyfe; YUS!!!)
Dammit I miss Jerod, like I miss him so much I wonder if that's part of why my head hurts. Possibly. The past few nights its hard to think of anything else because um, well I haven't heard from him in roughly 3 weeks now. Idk, it feels like ages. Y'know, when you get used to a daily habit and it just goes *poof*. No wonder people get so hooked on drugs, sort of. On one hand, I'm kind of glad he's not coming on to me right now... I am in no position to refuse, well, at least if the pain stops entirely first. And of course I'm not really looking for any replacements either... I can hold out a while for people, its one of my better qualities, I am patient. I also am a big procrastinator anyway, kinda need to be patient... with myself, lol.
I think I am way overstressed for a person who actually does so little. You could say its the fervor and depth of what little I do that is so draining on my physique and psyche that yeah, I do tire easily for a person not doing much. I have some stamina but boy does it get wracked on a daily basis. The emotional torment I have to endure every damn time my grandfather talks about my weight and appearance with utterly no tact, it could break a lesser man. I don't hate him, I hate how he chooses to express himself with such crass and biggotry. And do not talk to me about his personal health which seems to be failing him lately. Pot calling kettles black is what he's amounting to, pretty much.
It's not even him that's the sole cause of my stress. I was utterly livid when I read a comment on the aesthetic design of a fictional character where some Imbecile called out a character on having "nigger lips" (direct quote) and that being unappealing to that commentator. Oh my loving God, someone, SMITE this person. Please? Pretty please? I would be eternally grateful. You don't say such stupid things, AAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *headdesk*
Small update: pain's a little less significant at the moment, venting might be helping pass the time of recovery.
In other news, I am having way too much enjoyment picking up Exit Fate and raising most of the army's levels to obscene numbers. I don't think you can feasibly hit lv99 without excessive grinding (to the simple point of tedious) but dang if it isn't fun getting everyone up to 85+ (which is all you need to finish everything including the completely optional content). I really like running theme parties based on the relation boosts (which is why Daniel works so well with Jovian and Angel) but its hard to get a diverse party with significant boosts as many mages favor other mages and you really don't need more than two (or one if their really solid like Midian, Myst or Mai) dedicated spell-slingers on your team; and warriors tend to enjoy each others' company; that said, a Matrech-themed group of Erin, Jasper, Carson, Merrick, Charles Ryan and Beau is very sound and balanced even if its hard to determine who to place up front with Erin (probably Merrick, second best physical defense of them which is all that matters for people in the vanguard). I wish the game had a few more female characters though, I don't like the ratio even if people are namby-pamby about women in combat, hey their are plenty of women in the armed forces nowdays, you're allowed to cast them in fictional combat, too! Stupid sexist imbeciles. Every straight male is such a spineless scrod around the concept of female dominance, and people wonder why I prefer homo/bisexual friends to converse with. They aren't following all your nonsensical rules. Rules that prevent people that love each other from being treated as humanely and justly (as in, with equal rights and privileges) as everyone else ARE ASININE. Now I don't mean you should be allowed to marry any little thing, but two consenting adults should be entitled as long as they are clearly in sound mind and intent.
Oh, right. IF you like a man or woman, then it does not matter what's going on downstairs. You either like men, women, both, or none at all. It's that simple. TRANS MEN ARE MEN. TRANS WOMEN ARE WOMEN. Never think you are suddenly straight, bi or pan because you, a primarily gay male, thought a trans man was hot. He's a MAN you IMBECILE! (obviously this was bugging me a lot because some loser dared suggest they were anything but gay when they found a guy they were attracted to wasn't always a guy on the outside; it's what's inside that matters! ugh, I hate shallow people, so, SO much!)
I'll share with you another sweet dream, next night.
(Vampire Knight 4 Lyfe; YUS!!!)
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