Oh don't worry. It's nothing that convoluted. Basically it boils down to:
-Women talk about their feelings
-Men feel out their feelings
-And this blogger does both
Oh. My. God. I must be a hermaphrodite.... AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, alright. Silliness aside, it's pretty true, eh? A guy won't respond as favorably if you just tell him in words, he needs to be f*cked. Why else do you think he wants sex all the time, ladies? And my boys, you know your wife doesn't really care how good you are to her in bed, as long as you listen (or pretend to) and take responsibility for crap (this usually means paying for crap). Sheesh, no wonder people usually divorce as much as they get married, or even more if you're talking about the USA, hah~.
Myself? Both are pretty important. I see myself working both into my relationships to good effect--I like to balance things out, so after I've made your loins explode in love juices, I'll sit and be more than happy to hear about your dreams, ideas, anything really. I really can't do with too much or too little of either of them, y'know? I want to make love to you but I also want to just kill time talking about well, shit--I sure do waste time talking about random things, lol. That would probably explain why like every second or third conversation I have with would-be lovers is laced with sexual advances and romantics, hehe, I'm such a tease at times xD. Perhaps it's because I don't see people much in person that I'm more willing to be open on the internet--I want to find someone who wants to get all that I have to offer, word?
"I'd be most content with a 9 to 5 job, then coming home to f*ck my man-wife until he screams like a banshee," yes, yes I would. That's literally a sentence I thought to myself earlier today (yesterday for you technical kooks). Maybe without the cursing--what? I don't get any kick from using dumb language... my vocabulary is pretty expansive, dear wanderer. Don't you just love the auto-censoring that some forums use, especially if you're viewing it as a guest? Heh, well let it be known that if you are my lover (boyfriend is too casual a word) I will indeed gently caress you, hard. You're very welcome.
Okay, so onto the talking part I guess. I just feel better when people make an effort to talk to me--I mean at present I really have nothing better to do than be talking to people, but it's more than that. My mom does not make any efforts to keep up conversation with me, either. Okay? I'm not asking for your sympathy but I would appreciate a little effort from you, if you sincerely find yourself interested in me. In part because I'm really, really used to and tired of people forgetting about me... and I'm her first born son of all things. You'd think she'd give enough of a shit about me... people are so dumb, sometimes. *sigh*
Ultimately, I would like to have a family someday. A family that I've been deprived of for a long time already, hah, but I mentioned so already. Could adopt a kid or two if the man-wife is up to it, you know? If not, that's fine too. I just hope to find some limp-inducing, hip-breaking love eventually. What? Sex-related injuries are bound to happen if one gets too into the thrusting (but admittedly I'm pretty slow and sensual when it comes down too it, I doubt I'd be thrusting him too fast unless he outright asks for it... yes, too much information) lolol.
Take care, random people who read this.
SH2
Monday, June 18, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Back in a Second to Do Stuff! *wiggle*
What? I like The Amanda Show; I'm a normal 90s kid so I grew up with All That and whatnot that later lead into Miss Bynes' interesting career~.
Show references asides, hmm, I'm just feeling "meh" of late. Not a bad "meh" but just a could-be-better "meh", and there's little I personally can do to actually make it be better. I consider myself a fairly stand-up individual; by that I mean, if I say I'll do something or are asked to do something, I'll do it. If I should not want to do it, I will indeed tell you "no" and proceed to not do it, too. While I don't expect everyone to really be as forthright, I do think people should try. So I'm a little disappointed. My "not-boyfriend" (you need to watch Season 3 of Buffy to get that reference...) asked me to call him last weekend (i.e. approximately 9 days before this post) and so I do. Happiness was had. While we're talking, he explains his lapse in communication of late (mainly due to work, you 9-5ers surely understand) and implies he wants to call me again in about a week from then. So, naturally I spent the last 3 days anticipating his return call (we had spoken for an hour and generally I don't detect much flakiness from him). He doesn't call. And so I'm left wondering if he's okay, if he just plumb forgot or what other shit is keeping him from calling me. I want to let you all know something very, Very important--THIS IS NOT OKAY!! I mean, dude! I just... is that any fair at all? I don't like people who don't pick up their damn slack. Relationships are built around trust which must be fortified CONSTANTLY by open communication. Look, we all have bad days, y'know? Why--WHY do you blockheads always insist on taking on everything alone!? Do you ever think that just maybe, idk, someone somewhere wants to be with you, that they want you even when you don't want yourself. If it's possible for your parents to put up with your life for at least 18 years, why is it so hard to let others put up with it for 1 or 2 hours out of 168(the # of hours in a week)? I just... want that much. I miss you, okay, a damned lot. And it's because I think I may finally be in the love I have been waiting for and denied most of my life from my own family and friends I've treated as such. I don't know. But I must be feeling something--tears are itching my eyes, lol. Ah, it's not like a show of waterworks or anything. I just don't like feeling forgotten, I doubt I ever will handle it well.
I guess I found one thing that will push my patience with this one though, hah! I don't really pick much on people's flaws but I can surely notice and accept them. Being forgetful isn't that bad (hey, he told me his day-to-day memory sucks). I'm more likely to worry about people because I more easily put other's well-being before my own. And sometimes I neglect myself. Just like, I'm not assed to be "clean" as much as most people would probably agree with. But that doesn't mean I also have poor manners or messy habits--I don't. I'm often complimented with how polite I am towards people, as a matter of fact. And it's not something I really need to think about, I just am honest with people. If you don't act like a moron or amoeba of a person, then I will probably treat you with due congeniality. I'm quick to offend but just as quick to get over it or compromise. I don't like to show immediately when things bother me, I have to let them fester and nag at me until I am drawn to tears over it, in general. But usually I will feel much better after finally letting it out--and I do have a lot to let out~. So that explains this blog, doesn't it? xD
I'm not actually mad at him at all, y'know? I'm just lonely, pretty much. I like having other people to spend time with so I can focus on them and their needs, and through them, also work out my own issues. It sounds fair to me, I just wish others would do so, too. I like being noticed if mostly because, most people ignore me, lol. If people did, they'd probably be less uptight about everything though! Since I'm so honest with people, my hope is that they can be put at ease, y'know? I don't care so much about what all happened to you in your life--you're still a person on this plane of reality, just like me. Why shouldn't I care about you if, at the simplest level, you're me and so by caring for you, I'm able to care more about myself? And just look at dis face...
Don't you just want to give it a pinch? xD Idk, I think it's alright or so--I don't look in mirrors very much!
Anywho, let's turn off the stupidly awesome highway of my mind a moment and discuss the awesome phenomena of Next Food Network Star, 'kay? Because cooking is win, duh!
This is the uh, 8th season of it I think. Most know how epic Guy is (Fieri, who else?) but hey, the 1st season had a couple win, two gay dudes no less! Now that's truly a rarity but I can dig it, of course. It's certainly an interesting idea, though I'm not really big on entertaining (which was their show's theme). Amy Finnely (or w/e) I like as a person but French cooking isn't really a big draw for me (my favorite cuisines tend to be Italian, Spanish/Mexican or Asian--particularly Chinese/Japanese dishes). Next was Aaron and he's a rather cool dude (certainly nice to look at). And I tend to like people with a strong sense of family values--they're often good people (but not always--just watch some of the (fictional) characters on Law & Order: SVU). Melissa was next I think; I do watch her show as often as I'm able although I don't think I get much from it; I think she's a nice lady and that alone makes me want to watch her cook, in general. Aarti's certainly awesome and you don't see Indian cuisine mentioned much on American TV, 's all good. Jeff is probably the main winner I'm most indifferent towards. He's okay and all but eh--I don't feel much draw towards him, y'know?
So, people I like this season. Probably the most of any season so far! Michele, Judson, Malcolm, Ippy and Emily are my favorites. Of the currently remaining finalists, Nikki is my least favorite. Sure she has a POV and seems to be able to cook well but--asides being a fervently passionate female grill-est (loves to utilize the grill, I mean), I don't really get anything from her. And I think she uses too much makeup, just my opinion though. Although she has proven cooking ability, I just don't like her, she'd have been the first to go if it was all going by solo ability and I was prosecuting. I'm pulling emotionally for Judson to do better and Michele, too. Both have been slipping and they just seem like such likable people, it sucks to watch them flounder the way they have been recently--because they both started on good notes and I, personally, picked them out first as ones I would like to watch, should they manage to win (hence why they're listed 1st). Of the finalists who are currently remaining (they've already nixed four), I wouldn't mind if Justin or Martie won. I'm not especially drawn to the others (Linkie, Yvan, Martita) but, I'm pretty much fine with anyone except Nikki as it stands now. If I should manage to see some personal growth from her, I could change my opinion, maybe.
Take care, whoever reads this~. Laters! ♥
Show references asides, hmm, I'm just feeling "meh" of late. Not a bad "meh" but just a could-be-better "meh", and there's little I personally can do to actually make it be better. I consider myself a fairly stand-up individual; by that I mean, if I say I'll do something or are asked to do something, I'll do it. If I should not want to do it, I will indeed tell you "no" and proceed to not do it, too. While I don't expect everyone to really be as forthright, I do think people should try. So I'm a little disappointed. My "not-boyfriend" (you need to watch Season 3 of Buffy to get that reference...) asked me to call him last weekend (i.e. approximately 9 days before this post) and so I do. Happiness was had. While we're talking, he explains his lapse in communication of late (mainly due to work, you 9-5ers surely understand) and implies he wants to call me again in about a week from then. So, naturally I spent the last 3 days anticipating his return call (we had spoken for an hour and generally I don't detect much flakiness from him). He doesn't call. And so I'm left wondering if he's okay, if he just plumb forgot or what other shit is keeping him from calling me. I want to let you all know something very, Very important--THIS IS NOT OKAY!! I mean, dude! I just... is that any fair at all? I don't like people who don't pick up their damn slack. Relationships are built around trust which must be fortified CONSTANTLY by open communication. Look, we all have bad days, y'know? Why--WHY do you blockheads always insist on taking on everything alone!? Do you ever think that just maybe, idk, someone somewhere wants to be with you, that they want you even when you don't want yourself. If it's possible for your parents to put up with your life for at least 18 years, why is it so hard to let others put up with it for 1 or 2 hours out of 168(the # of hours in a week)? I just... want that much. I miss you, okay, a damned lot. And it's because I think I may finally be in the love I have been waiting for and denied most of my life from my own family and friends I've treated as such. I don't know. But I must be feeling something--tears are itching my eyes, lol. Ah, it's not like a show of waterworks or anything. I just don't like feeling forgotten, I doubt I ever will handle it well.
I guess I found one thing that will push my patience with this one though, hah! I don't really pick much on people's flaws but I can surely notice and accept them. Being forgetful isn't that bad (hey, he told me his day-to-day memory sucks). I'm more likely to worry about people because I more easily put other's well-being before my own. And sometimes I neglect myself. Just like, I'm not assed to be "clean" as much as most people would probably agree with. But that doesn't mean I also have poor manners or messy habits--I don't. I'm often complimented with how polite I am towards people, as a matter of fact. And it's not something I really need to think about, I just am honest with people. If you don't act like a moron or amoeba of a person, then I will probably treat you with due congeniality. I'm quick to offend but just as quick to get over it or compromise. I don't like to show immediately when things bother me, I have to let them fester and nag at me until I am drawn to tears over it, in general. But usually I will feel much better after finally letting it out--and I do have a lot to let out~. So that explains this blog, doesn't it? xD
I'm not actually mad at him at all, y'know? I'm just lonely, pretty much. I like having other people to spend time with so I can focus on them and their needs, and through them, also work out my own issues. It sounds fair to me, I just wish others would do so, too. I like being noticed if mostly because, most people ignore me, lol. If people did, they'd probably be less uptight about everything though! Since I'm so honest with people, my hope is that they can be put at ease, y'know? I don't care so much about what all happened to you in your life--you're still a person on this plane of reality, just like me. Why shouldn't I care about you if, at the simplest level, you're me and so by caring for you, I'm able to care more about myself? And just look at dis face...
Anywho, let's turn off the stupidly awesome highway of my mind a moment and discuss the awesome phenomena of Next Food Network Star, 'kay? Because cooking is win, duh!
This is the uh, 8th season of it I think. Most know how epic Guy is (Fieri, who else?) but hey, the 1st season had a couple win, two gay dudes no less! Now that's truly a rarity but I can dig it, of course. It's certainly an interesting idea, though I'm not really big on entertaining (which was their show's theme). Amy Finnely (or w/e) I like as a person but French cooking isn't really a big draw for me (my favorite cuisines tend to be Italian, Spanish/Mexican or Asian--particularly Chinese/Japanese dishes). Next was Aaron and he's a rather cool dude (certainly nice to look at). And I tend to like people with a strong sense of family values--they're often good people (but not always--just watch some of the (fictional) characters on Law & Order: SVU). Melissa was next I think; I do watch her show as often as I'm able although I don't think I get much from it; I think she's a nice lady and that alone makes me want to watch her cook, in general. Aarti's certainly awesome and you don't see Indian cuisine mentioned much on American TV, 's all good. Jeff is probably the main winner I'm most indifferent towards. He's okay and all but eh--I don't feel much draw towards him, y'know?
So, people I like this season. Probably the most of any season so far! Michele, Judson, Malcolm, Ippy and Emily are my favorites. Of the currently remaining finalists, Nikki is my least favorite. Sure she has a POV and seems to be able to cook well but--asides being a fervently passionate female grill-est (loves to utilize the grill, I mean), I don't really get anything from her. And I think she uses too much makeup, just my opinion though. Although she has proven cooking ability, I just don't like her, she'd have been the first to go if it was all going by solo ability and I was prosecuting. I'm pulling emotionally for Judson to do better and Michele, too. Both have been slipping and they just seem like such likable people, it sucks to watch them flounder the way they have been recently--because they both started on good notes and I, personally, picked them out first as ones I would like to watch, should they manage to win (hence why they're listed 1st). Of the finalists who are currently remaining (they've already nixed four), I wouldn't mind if Justin or Martie won. I'm not especially drawn to the others (Linkie, Yvan, Martita) but, I'm pretty much fine with anyone except Nikki as it stands now. If I should manage to see some personal growth from her, I could change my opinion, maybe.
Take care, whoever reads this~. Laters! ♥
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thoughts and Crap (Warning: Might be a very long post)
You have been warned...
Well, in part it's 'cause I just haven't put anything on this blog in a few months and I don't like to leave things dry for too long, y'know? Where do I even start... it's not that I even had much going on; truly, I didn't. But of course I had plenty to think about, such is my way. I'll start by visiting my most recent thoughts which ironically, involve the past.
It's strange how people can vastly grow apart in as little as 6 years of no contact with the other. If there's anything I do regret about my high-school experience, it would be letting people affect me as much as they did. Not that such things deterred me much, but because of my open nature, it was and is easier for me to be hurt and offended by other people. It's bad enough I would often walk home to an empty house, but my classmates made it hard on me. This is in part because I wanted to be accepted, to be loved--things that have been in short supply from my family. The only family member I'm sure loves me (the way I feel a family should) is my grandfather and it's near impossible for him to express those emotions. I don't have a father, my mother ignored me for the better part of my school-going life and still now only calls when she feels like it. Am I asking too much to want to have her call me like once a week? That seems reasonable for a parent and child, no matter how old you are *sigh*. Since my mother put my two younger sisters up for adoption shortly after their birth, I never had kids even marginally close to my age around me very much outside of school. And my grandmother wants nothing to do with me (why? I don't understand that at all...). It's even harder that I'm bisexual (well, mainly homosexual) and can't mention that or I will forfeit my housing. I'm not joking about any of these facts; at times I wish I were because most of my history sounds ridiculous even to me who lived through it.
Okay, back to school. So, after I had left boarding school (my grandfather "says" I was kicked out but idk, the staff of MHS never really said "you're expelled", moreso, "we think you'd be better off leaving; it's hard for you to live at the student homes"; well no shit, Sherlock! You try living with 10 or more other random kids and two adults who aren't your parents when you still actually have parents!) I came back to the school district where I had started (went there for Kindergarten). Of course I remember having gone there and stuff and some people I knew before I still was able to reconcile with. Okay, I'm going to drop first names here but f*** if I care; it's not like I was even noticed much by anyone--if I were, they sure never showed it much. So I re-met Kelly and we got along okay but idk, she was sort of the butt monkey of our grade in a way. I hated that people viewed her that way. I also was teased a lot, but moreso by upperclassmen at first who mocked my carefree and emotional nature (if I was happy I skipped occasionally; I mean literally Sound of Music Maria skipping) and called me gay because of that. Amanda, who I used to hang out with at a young age, physically bullied me and I had to ask the guidance office to change my schedule for that reason mainly. This is the main part of my "people growing apart" bit above. I never felt animosity from her in kindergarten. Even a boy whose fingers I accidentally (honest) slammed in a door, Mike, was friendlier to me than her and I have no clue whatsoever why. Maybe I just bothered her somehow; maybe she resented my "gay" behavior, idk. Why is it a crime to smile, to enjoy school and learning, to want other people to be so happy they burst into song? (Yes, I've done this). My other main friends from before were guys but one became a clownish fop (Tom) and the other was all, "only have time for my girlfriend" and a bit of a sports jock no less ("Robbie"). If you want to know, I do wish I could have had a better relationship with Amanda because she didn't seem like a bad person to me, but it was near impossible to get near her since she mostly just stuck with her friend, Kristi (dunno if it was spelled that way). Soon after returning I met Scott who was pretty nice; kinda energetic though and Phil who was sorta eh... can I say he's like a guy you wanna occasionally punch because he bugs you in some way but you don't because you don't want to bother with the consequences? Yeah, that. The other main Phil in our grade went by PK and we never really collaborated on anything. He seems okay though, I'd rather have a drink with PK than the other guy. Oh, there was another Phil who I shared more interests with (sort of) though he had moved away after 11th grade. My main friends, or acquaintances at least, were ladies. Brianne, Sara, Devoureaux (I think, might not have the first u) and later Brittany. Or was it Britney? Stupid different spellings for the same name, dude! My main guy friends were Zach and Roger, who were a year ahead of me and Tyler who was more of an acquaintance but I could talk to him about my ideas for video games. He was really laid back and kinda looked half-asleep a lot, lol, but he was an all around good fellow. My best friend from school would turn out to be another guy with the same name, but I don't talk much about him. In part because he seems to be going through a really wigged out time right now, so I offer this much respect, y'know?
I would have like to have been somewhat more involved in Bri, Sara and Devi's lives; because I respect them as people and yeah, I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them. I only really saw them at lunch asides from classes we might share. Devi was overall the nicest towards me. Bri kinda joked around with me a lot but I feel that was her way of accepting me. I know this sounds awkward but part of me really missed my mother even though she was not very involved in my life. My mother, herself, seems to really like music and stuff and I know she's had an iffy history with sex and the like (hello, that's how she ended up birthing me). Bri was sorta like my mom and also like the mother figure I wanted to have--one who cared about me and openly expressed it in their own way. While she was also harsh towards me at times, I don't think I would have been able to finish at all if not for Bri's support. And it hurt, a lot, that I couldn't be with her more as her own support. If she was a queen, I would have wanted to be her knight. In our senior year, Bri became pregnant and I'm sure it was difficult for her... yeah well, somehow I finished school that year but it was not easy for me and my fragile psyche. At times I would just be so filled with anger, sadness and lethargy that I'd have to excuse myself from class to sit and let my tears pour in the guidance office rooms. Sara was Bri's best friend and seemed overall like the most level-headed of the three. I always thought of her as having this elegant presence and she was nice to look at overall, tall, fairly slender and naturally nice in appearance. The main thing that kept me just being a tagalong to them at school was the fact that they smoke (or have smoked) cigarettes. Dunno if they've been able to quit since then, but I hope they're well regardless. Sara made me really depressed the last week of school when she essentially said I was worthless. I can't even begin to fathom what possessed her to say it and maybe she didn't mean to be saying it to me but... that was ultimately the last straw for me and I chose not to attend my graduation because I just wasn't close enough to any of my classmates to go through with it. And my mother couldn't get a flight in anyway, so there'd be no point for me. Yes, my grandfather would have attended but he's always been there... he doesn't have anything to validate with me because his actions have shown enough. Even though I do wish we could communicate better, still.
Yes, that was nearly 5 years ago, so what? It's part of what made me the person I am today, so you may as well know about it, eh? I probably still wouldn't have gone to graduation if I were closer to my classmates, but maybe I'd have thrown an after-party. And maybe people might have actually came. May have mentioned it before (memory's lapsing a bit) but my 16th birthday, I had tried to invite some of my classmates and it was only a week after school let out that year. My grandfather said it was okay and had bought extra food and everything and I waited... and waited... and waited. And no one called or bothered to show up. I... my eyes are tearing up as I remember and type this up now. In part because it reminds me of the neglect I endured from my mother, I'd call her lots of times as much as I could when I wanted to talk to her as a kid... and she wouldn't answer. It would be days or weeks before she'd return my calls. What also hurts is that about a year ago I tried to call up a social worker I had worked with before (I followed policy and hadn't had direct contact them for over a year past discharge from their service) and she never returned my call neither... and I have no idea if she (my worker) just forgot or what the hell's going on *sigh*. Well, I'm okay now, managed to stop myself from crying and that's mostly because that social worker in particular was overall pretty good, I'm happy to have known them more than I am upset they haven't contacted me much after our time together. Though I still do miss hearing from them, no less.
Well this is what I think about most of the time; if I've truly gotten any better. If I truly feel any better. And it may not be a lot, but in most ways, I am better off than I was. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Well, in part it's 'cause I just haven't put anything on this blog in a few months and I don't like to leave things dry for too long, y'know? Where do I even start... it's not that I even had much going on; truly, I didn't. But of course I had plenty to think about, such is my way. I'll start by visiting my most recent thoughts which ironically, involve the past.
It's strange how people can vastly grow apart in as little as 6 years of no contact with the other. If there's anything I do regret about my high-school experience, it would be letting people affect me as much as they did. Not that such things deterred me much, but because of my open nature, it was and is easier for me to be hurt and offended by other people. It's bad enough I would often walk home to an empty house, but my classmates made it hard on me. This is in part because I wanted to be accepted, to be loved--things that have been in short supply from my family. The only family member I'm sure loves me (the way I feel a family should) is my grandfather and it's near impossible for him to express those emotions. I don't have a father, my mother ignored me for the better part of my school-going life and still now only calls when she feels like it. Am I asking too much to want to have her call me like once a week? That seems reasonable for a parent and child, no matter how old you are *sigh*. Since my mother put my two younger sisters up for adoption shortly after their birth, I never had kids even marginally close to my age around me very much outside of school. And my grandmother wants nothing to do with me (why? I don't understand that at all...). It's even harder that I'm bisexual (well, mainly homosexual) and can't mention that or I will forfeit my housing. I'm not joking about any of these facts; at times I wish I were because most of my history sounds ridiculous even to me who lived through it.
Okay, back to school. So, after I had left boarding school (my grandfather "says" I was kicked out but idk, the staff of MHS never really said "you're expelled", moreso, "we think you'd be better off leaving; it's hard for you to live at the student homes"; well no shit, Sherlock! You try living with 10 or more other random kids and two adults who aren't your parents when you still actually have parents!) I came back to the school district where I had started (went there for Kindergarten). Of course I remember having gone there and stuff and some people I knew before I still was able to reconcile with. Okay, I'm going to drop first names here but f*** if I care; it's not like I was even noticed much by anyone--if I were, they sure never showed it much. So I re-met Kelly and we got along okay but idk, she was sort of the butt monkey of our grade in a way. I hated that people viewed her that way. I also was teased a lot, but moreso by upperclassmen at first who mocked my carefree and emotional nature (if I was happy I skipped occasionally; I mean literally Sound of Music Maria skipping) and called me gay because of that. Amanda, who I used to hang out with at a young age, physically bullied me and I had to ask the guidance office to change my schedule for that reason mainly. This is the main part of my "people growing apart" bit above. I never felt animosity from her in kindergarten. Even a boy whose fingers I accidentally (honest) slammed in a door, Mike, was friendlier to me than her and I have no clue whatsoever why. Maybe I just bothered her somehow; maybe she resented my "gay" behavior, idk. Why is it a crime to smile, to enjoy school and learning, to want other people to be so happy they burst into song? (Yes, I've done this). My other main friends from before were guys but one became a clownish fop (Tom) and the other was all, "only have time for my girlfriend" and a bit of a sports jock no less ("Robbie"). If you want to know, I do wish I could have had a better relationship with Amanda because she didn't seem like a bad person to me, but it was near impossible to get near her since she mostly just stuck with her friend, Kristi (dunno if it was spelled that way). Soon after returning I met Scott who was pretty nice; kinda energetic though and Phil who was sorta eh... can I say he's like a guy you wanna occasionally punch because he bugs you in some way but you don't because you don't want to bother with the consequences? Yeah, that. The other main Phil in our grade went by PK and we never really collaborated on anything. He seems okay though, I'd rather have a drink with PK than the other guy. Oh, there was another Phil who I shared more interests with (sort of) though he had moved away after 11th grade. My main friends, or acquaintances at least, were ladies. Brianne, Sara, Devoureaux (I think, might not have the first u) and later Brittany. Or was it Britney? Stupid different spellings for the same name, dude! My main guy friends were Zach and Roger, who were a year ahead of me and Tyler who was more of an acquaintance but I could talk to him about my ideas for video games. He was really laid back and kinda looked half-asleep a lot, lol, but he was an all around good fellow. My best friend from school would turn out to be another guy with the same name, but I don't talk much about him. In part because he seems to be going through a really wigged out time right now, so I offer this much respect, y'know?
I would have like to have been somewhat more involved in Bri, Sara and Devi's lives; because I respect them as people and yeah, I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them. I only really saw them at lunch asides from classes we might share. Devi was overall the nicest towards me. Bri kinda joked around with me a lot but I feel that was her way of accepting me. I know this sounds awkward but part of me really missed my mother even though she was not very involved in my life. My mother, herself, seems to really like music and stuff and I know she's had an iffy history with sex and the like (hello, that's how she ended up birthing me). Bri was sorta like my mom and also like the mother figure I wanted to have--one who cared about me and openly expressed it in their own way. While she was also harsh towards me at times, I don't think I would have been able to finish at all if not for Bri's support. And it hurt, a lot, that I couldn't be with her more as her own support. If she was a queen, I would have wanted to be her knight. In our senior year, Bri became pregnant and I'm sure it was difficult for her... yeah well, somehow I finished school that year but it was not easy for me and my fragile psyche. At times I would just be so filled with anger, sadness and lethargy that I'd have to excuse myself from class to sit and let my tears pour in the guidance office rooms. Sara was Bri's best friend and seemed overall like the most level-headed of the three. I always thought of her as having this elegant presence and she was nice to look at overall, tall, fairly slender and naturally nice in appearance. The main thing that kept me just being a tagalong to them at school was the fact that they smoke (or have smoked) cigarettes. Dunno if they've been able to quit since then, but I hope they're well regardless. Sara made me really depressed the last week of school when she essentially said I was worthless. I can't even begin to fathom what possessed her to say it and maybe she didn't mean to be saying it to me but... that was ultimately the last straw for me and I chose not to attend my graduation because I just wasn't close enough to any of my classmates to go through with it. And my mother couldn't get a flight in anyway, so there'd be no point for me. Yes, my grandfather would have attended but he's always been there... he doesn't have anything to validate with me because his actions have shown enough. Even though I do wish we could communicate better, still.
Yes, that was nearly 5 years ago, so what? It's part of what made me the person I am today, so you may as well know about it, eh? I probably still wouldn't have gone to graduation if I were closer to my classmates, but maybe I'd have thrown an after-party. And maybe people might have actually came. May have mentioned it before (memory's lapsing a bit) but my 16th birthday, I had tried to invite some of my classmates and it was only a week after school let out that year. My grandfather said it was okay and had bought extra food and everything and I waited... and waited... and waited. And no one called or bothered to show up. I... my eyes are tearing up as I remember and type this up now. In part because it reminds me of the neglect I endured from my mother, I'd call her lots of times as much as I could when I wanted to talk to her as a kid... and she wouldn't answer. It would be days or weeks before she'd return my calls. What also hurts is that about a year ago I tried to call up a social worker I had worked with before (I followed policy and hadn't had direct contact them for over a year past discharge from their service) and she never returned my call neither... and I have no idea if she (my worker) just forgot or what the hell's going on *sigh*. Well, I'm okay now, managed to stop myself from crying and that's mostly because that social worker in particular was overall pretty good, I'm happy to have known them more than I am upset they haven't contacted me much after our time together. Though I still do miss hearing from them, no less.
Well this is what I think about most of the time; if I've truly gotten any better. If I truly feel any better. And it may not be a lot, but in most ways, I am better off than I was. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Update: Just Because...
That's a good reason, eh? "Just because," and nothing else really. I guess I feel like it but I am by no means overly driven to do so, heh.
Although adding that awesome Yuri/Blanca photo is a good motivator, rite?
Things are... just okay at the moment. I think I managed to become acquainted with a person who is genuinely interested in me--quite a rare feat at that, so that's nice. I'm still recovering from the shock factor--people generally aren't as nice to me as I am to them upon just meeting and from the initial contact. Hell, most people also don't even bother to start conversations--see how odd this is? It's a good oddity, I can't say I don't deserve it; after all, I have been giving an honest effort to every relationship I've established in the past 4~5 years of being able to socialize freely. Just trying to contain any possible excitement and let myself like this person not because they happen to like me (though it's a definite plus). And I think I'm getting to that point. They're nice to talk to, pretty much. One good daily message is better than a few sporadic dates of hours-on-end phone calls or stuff like that, eh? Well, I think so~.
Otherwise, there hasn't been much activity this past month. Oh well, at least nothing much has been bothering me, either. Now I guess I want to share more music; stuff I've been enjoying lately per my previous posts of this nature xP. Enjoy, 'kay?
Star Ocean (4) The Last Hope: Symmetry
SMT Avatar Tuner/Digital Devil Saga: Big Battle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAXpq-xs3Rk
Good stuff~. Blogger, out. xD
Things are... just okay at the moment. I think I managed to become acquainted with a person who is genuinely interested in me--quite a rare feat at that, so that's nice. I'm still recovering from the shock factor--people generally aren't as nice to me as I am to them upon just meeting and from the initial contact. Hell, most people also don't even bother to start conversations--see how odd this is? It's a good oddity, I can't say I don't deserve it; after all, I have been giving an honest effort to every relationship I've established in the past 4~5 years of being able to socialize freely. Just trying to contain any possible excitement and let myself like this person not because they happen to like me (though it's a definite plus). And I think I'm getting to that point. They're nice to talk to, pretty much. One good daily message is better than a few sporadic dates of hours-on-end phone calls or stuff like that, eh? Well, I think so~.
Otherwise, there hasn't been much activity this past month. Oh well, at least nothing much has been bothering me, either. Now I guess I want to share more music; stuff I've been enjoying lately per my previous posts of this nature xP. Enjoy, 'kay?
Star Ocean (4) The Last Hope: Symmetry
SMT Avatar Tuner/Digital Devil Saga: Big Battle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAXpq-xs3Rk
Good stuff~. Blogger, out. xD
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Good Morning to You~
Well, it is the afternoon now that I'm getting around to making this entry, but so what? I did have a decent morning. As decent a morning as a single middle-class, full-bodied caucasian male of their low 20s can muster alone. Heh, just thought of calling myself full bodied because I am overweight but not in a shameful manner. Why should I feel less about myself just because I have a bloated stomach and full thighs and some underarm fat on my upper arms? It's not oh, super appealing but its not really anything repulsive either, just kinda funny if you ask me. And sometimes if you look at really muscular people, they look funny too. Especially those who are so thick their veins pop out in places... but personally that grosses me out a bit. So, in some ways I'm glad I'm not ripped. Plus, I have no major health concerns barring my abnormally low good cholesterol (i.e. the kind of cholesterol that helps prevent heart diseases). I could stand to exercise more but it really isn't fun nor motivating enough to do it on my own, so I don't get much activity in : /. Yes, I would be at least 3 times more likely to go out/work out if someone close to me asked to. No one's around so... yeah. Am I okay with this? Not really, but it's not like I can do anything to change it. Just something I'm not willing to do alone. And, wouldn't you feel better if your significant other was there by your side while you're running up a mountain? Well, I would. People don't get their good looks by doing nothing. So the looks I manage to have, I will accept because I think I look okay. Not great, not all around terrible, but okay. C+.
This morning I treated myself to my usual sitcoms and some Looney Toons that were on here and there. Family Matters, Boy Meets World, What I Like About You and Will & Grace were the various programs that made my morning. Some of my lusts were appealed to by the first two titles in particular. So on Family Matters, there was this one scene wherein Steve was laying on his stomach briefly, so his backside was up right? Okay, so I was checking out his ass... Jaleel White does have a pretty fine derriere. Given that he was probably nearing 20 in this episode (the actor), I don't consider my opinion inappropriate. And I do really have a weakness for dark-skinned persons... ch'yeah. It was a nicely shaped ass of an all around awesome black actor... nah, he was clothed in the scene asides. The show was never too risque, being geared towards families. And I like it that way. The Boy Meets World episode consisted of some cross dressing for Cory and Shawn. Personally, I really liked the first girl outfit that Cory(Ben Savage) donned, meaning, the way he looked in it appealed to me. Simple and clean, just a nice evening dress, heels (unnecessary) and a simple shoulder-bob wig. I like that (oh yeah, pantyhose too but details = blah). He kinda looked like my one neighbor up the street that was in my graduating class, the way he was made up to look there. I do mean this as a compliment. Besides, I do like chicks with dicks... bwahaha. P:
So this one guy I do like a fair deal, yes? I try talking to him, and try once again, all even though part of his nature does not agree well with me. The guy admits he finds people "ugly" but yet won't honor those people by telling them so openly. Yeah, I get the inkling he isn't too fond of my face with its fullness. I just wish he would at least honor me with honesty and say, "well, you're not much of a looker," and maybe even follow it with, "but thanks for your nice words," or something like that. I'm willing to give people chances. He may be kinda shallow but I don't like him any less because of that fact. I'm hoping he will give me other chances to prove I'm worth at least talking to. I'd be happy if we could at least be friends because well... most of my gay friends hardly talk to me and I have more friends who are bi or straight than I do as gay as me (90%). Hell, my most honorable friend (i.e. the one that puts the most effort, and this says a lot because they are not a very social individual) is pretty darn straight (good for him, vag repulses me, lolol). I don't demand someone talk to me all the time but it ticks me off, I try to get one of my friends' attention (one such being a guy I do find rather attractive asides him being rather gay, a plus) and he does not respond much of the time. I dunno if it's just all bad timing on my end but c'mon Wen... you're so cute and nice and... god can't I just say I enjoyed looking at some dude's ass today? Why do I have to keep all the meager happy parts of my life to myself? (Oh, I didn't mean to truly call you out when I wrote this, my friend, I just miss talking to you on a more active basis. <3) May seem odd to some people, but me, I feel this need to share things with other people, especially if its things I like and feel they can, too. Then maybe hit on them, not because I'm lonely (but yeah, I am) but because sh*t, most of my friends are hot xP.
Not sure what else to say right this moment. Some other stuff in my head but I'm trying not to be quite as rambling of late. Later to ya'll special people that read this~.
This morning I treated myself to my usual sitcoms and some Looney Toons that were on here and there. Family Matters, Boy Meets World, What I Like About You and Will & Grace were the various programs that made my morning. Some of my lusts were appealed to by the first two titles in particular. So on Family Matters, there was this one scene wherein Steve was laying on his stomach briefly, so his backside was up right? Okay, so I was checking out his ass... Jaleel White does have a pretty fine derriere. Given that he was probably nearing 20 in this episode (the actor), I don't consider my opinion inappropriate. And I do really have a weakness for dark-skinned persons... ch'yeah. It was a nicely shaped ass of an all around awesome black actor... nah, he was clothed in the scene asides. The show was never too risque, being geared towards families. And I like it that way. The Boy Meets World episode consisted of some cross dressing for Cory and Shawn. Personally, I really liked the first girl outfit that Cory(Ben Savage) donned, meaning, the way he looked in it appealed to me. Simple and clean, just a nice evening dress, heels (unnecessary) and a simple shoulder-bob wig. I like that (oh yeah, pantyhose too but details = blah). He kinda looked like my one neighbor up the street that was in my graduating class, the way he was made up to look there. I do mean this as a compliment. Besides, I do like chicks with dicks... bwahaha. P:
So this one guy I do like a fair deal, yes? I try talking to him, and try once again, all even though part of his nature does not agree well with me. The guy admits he finds people "ugly" but yet won't honor those people by telling them so openly. Yeah, I get the inkling he isn't too fond of my face with its fullness. I just wish he would at least honor me with honesty and say, "well, you're not much of a looker," and maybe even follow it with, "but thanks for your nice words," or something like that. I'm willing to give people chances. He may be kinda shallow but I don't like him any less because of that fact. I'm hoping he will give me other chances to prove I'm worth at least talking to. I'd be happy if we could at least be friends because well... most of my gay friends hardly talk to me and I have more friends who are bi or straight than I do as gay as me (90%). Hell, my most honorable friend (i.e. the one that puts the most effort, and this says a lot because they are not a very social individual) is pretty darn straight (good for him, vag repulses me, lolol). I don't demand someone talk to me all the time but it ticks me off, I try to get one of my friends' attention (one such being a guy I do find rather attractive asides him being rather gay, a plus) and he does not respond much of the time. I dunno if it's just all bad timing on my end but c'mon Wen... you're so cute and nice and... god can't I just say I enjoyed looking at some dude's ass today? Why do I have to keep all the meager happy parts of my life to myself? (Oh, I didn't mean to truly call you out when I wrote this, my friend, I just miss talking to you on a more active basis. <3) May seem odd to some people, but me, I feel this need to share things with other people, especially if its things I like and feel they can, too. Then maybe hit on them, not because I'm lonely (but yeah, I am) but because sh*t, most of my friends are hot xP.
Not sure what else to say right this moment. Some other stuff in my head but I'm trying not to be quite as rambling of late. Later to ya'll special people that read this~.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Screw luck, I'm talking today...
Don't you just love Friday the 13ths? I know I do :3. Of course they tend to just be ordinary days for me, but so what? I feel like talking today~. About what? Stuff, I suppose, what else? You should know me better than that by now (if you read enough of my babble already).
I will admit that I don't like ugly people. Particularly those who let their inner ugliness show, as feebly as they attempt to hide it behind their disgustingly attractive bodies. It should be a crime to be so good looking and yet still have such self-absorbed opinions. If I looked as good as some of these people, you know what? I'd still be doing everything I can to make others feel as good as I'd happen to look. Suffice to say, I don't care about my looks. Long as I remain healthy and able, it's enough for me. A little fat is well... cute. Me? Yeah, I'm overweight but it's not like I'm misshapen as, unfortunately, some persons end up as. And I like my face, alright? But I would never complain about other people being heavy. I feel I'm pretty open to many different shapes (hey, remember one of my very first posts? I find Sima Zhao and Yangus equally attractive) and it's never the size of one's stomach, waist, nor muscle definition but... the size of their heart. Intimately, okay so it helps if you have a shtick, I prefer to look at it rather than weird flaps (for lack of better words). However, I don't care how big of thighs you got... get what I'm saying? Nice sex is well, still nice afterall. One could be 100 or 300 lbs, if I'm really looking at you naked, it's because I already like what I've seen from your actions, emotions and other non-physical expressions. If I didn't, I'd feel too uncomfortable looking at you naked (I'm quite shy despite my romantic tendencies and displays of affection) and would probably stumble over my words quite a bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad looking or even too hot (which makes me even more embarrassed, quite honestly), it's just... I'm not ready to look at you that way because... I want it to be because I know you want it and value me enough that you got me naked first... or something to that extent. I'm really hard to get out of my pants (I never sleep fully naked, lolol) so... you gotta be like dynamite to blow away all my humility. It's why I like guys willing to have their egos lifted and show their self confidence, especially if they are morally rounded enough to admit that I've helped them to feel that way. That's the biggest reward for me... helping others to reach their greatest possible selves. Yeah, yeah... I'm weird xP.
I find it ironic yet oddly fitting that my birthmonth is the LGBT Pride Month in the United States of America (where I reside) and my birthday itself is an International Autistic Pride Day. Yes, I am mostly gay and also partially autistic, go figure! Nothing really else to say on that topic though, I just happen to be mildly amused by the fact :3.
More rambling a little later, can't really commit to more brain-picking at this moment. See you soon~.
I will admit that I don't like ugly people. Particularly those who let their inner ugliness show, as feebly as they attempt to hide it behind their disgustingly attractive bodies. It should be a crime to be so good looking and yet still have such self-absorbed opinions. If I looked as good as some of these people, you know what? I'd still be doing everything I can to make others feel as good as I'd happen to look. Suffice to say, I don't care about my looks. Long as I remain healthy and able, it's enough for me. A little fat is well... cute. Me? Yeah, I'm overweight but it's not like I'm misshapen as, unfortunately, some persons end up as. And I like my face, alright? But I would never complain about other people being heavy. I feel I'm pretty open to many different shapes (hey, remember one of my very first posts? I find Sima Zhao and Yangus equally attractive) and it's never the size of one's stomach, waist, nor muscle definition but... the size of their heart. Intimately, okay so it helps if you have a shtick, I prefer to look at it rather than weird flaps (for lack of better words). However, I don't care how big of thighs you got... get what I'm saying? Nice sex is well, still nice afterall. One could be 100 or 300 lbs, if I'm really looking at you naked, it's because I already like what I've seen from your actions, emotions and other non-physical expressions. If I didn't, I'd feel too uncomfortable looking at you naked (I'm quite shy despite my romantic tendencies and displays of affection) and would probably stumble over my words quite a bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad looking or even too hot (which makes me even more embarrassed, quite honestly), it's just... I'm not ready to look at you that way because... I want it to be because I know you want it and value me enough that you got me naked first... or something to that extent. I'm really hard to get out of my pants (I never sleep fully naked, lolol) so... you gotta be like dynamite to blow away all my humility. It's why I like guys willing to have their egos lifted and show their self confidence, especially if they are morally rounded enough to admit that I've helped them to feel that way. That's the biggest reward for me... helping others to reach their greatest possible selves. Yeah, yeah... I'm weird xP.
I find it ironic yet oddly fitting that my birthmonth is the LGBT Pride Month in the United States of America (where I reside) and my birthday itself is an International Autistic Pride Day. Yes, I am mostly gay and also partially autistic, go figure! Nothing really else to say on that topic though, I just happen to be mildly amused by the fact :3.
More rambling a little later, can't really commit to more brain-picking at this moment. See you soon~.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Have I mentioned I love (KOEI's interpretation of) Zhong Hui?
Because I f-ing LURVE Zhong Hui; RAH!!!!
Okay, fangasms aside, you gotta admit... that outfit is pure sex. Stupid DLC *shakes fist*. Now listen up all you random people... why is it that none of you can be as honest, if as conceited, as this wonderfully ambiguous specimen? Y'know, I admire Zhong Hui's arrogance and hey, he at least tries to live up to his claims. Granted, all he seems to want is simply to be in power, despite not really being an ideal leader to any degree beyond the fact that he is moderately talented in combat and strategy. But this man acts superior because it is his firm belief that he is superior. Now that's impressive. Unwavering confidence in one's self, that's all one really needs to succeed. And it's still cute, how he claims to be the greatest in the land (ancient China) and yet he's neither very tall nor very intimidating in appearance. Of course, maybe I'm a little mean in finding humor over another's inflated ego. Then again... Quinton Flynn's performance in the English voiceover as this usurper is pretty hilarious, in a good way.
On a minor note: Zhong Hui's preferred weapon in his debut game is a considerably effective choice for both crowd control and obliterating officers with elemental attacks. And it's hard not to appear badass with 5 levitating swords at one's beck and call. A superior weapon for a superior officer. P:
Modesty gets to be overrated, y'know? I'm not saying to be a braggart by any means, but one should be more assertive, especially if one expects to get my attention. Given that I'm among those rare "genuinely nice" specimens left in this world, seriously people, get with the bloomin' program! Maybe you should take time out of your oh-so-busy schedules just to check on the little man--the people you haven't tried talking to yet or in quite some time. Y'know, if someone tells me they want to talk and then they don't have anything to say is still utter BS--find something to say already! I, personally, feel more relaxed rather than unnerved by random comments from others--at least those people are trying to share their thoughts, even if it is in a silly or sometimes meager method.
Can you understand how disheartening it is to genuinely take time to try to strike up conversations with people only to be ignored after spending an hour or longer trying to both self-edit and come across as true to oneself as is possible through the worst socializing platform--the internet? The worst part is I am trying my damnedest to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, too many are still too caught up in their frivolous and way-too-complicated personal lives to notice the effort. I miss my one friend... uh, "Tres-ni" I will refer to him; and yeah, he does SO many things that it's really taxing to try to get a free moment that lasts long enough to even talk to him. This goes on for months, I haven't spoken to him since sometime this past summer IIRC. Of course I want to because I had this crush which will probably continue unrequited for a long while because the one time I get myself to say "well, actually I kinda sorta love you and... yeah," was shortly after he got this girlfriend recently (he's bisexual, so will you kindly SHUT UP with your wandering thoughts!? morons~). Well, wouldn't you know that she dumped him sometime uh, late-autumnish sorta? I can't keep track of these dates precisely, I haven't seen my Tres-ni for about 6 months now, that's all I can muster x_x.
Well, it's not like he's local by any means, the kid lives out-of-state anyway so... I'm just trying to reach out to people in semi-near places. Not that I'm having any luck :/. A small handful are kinda nearby and seem like nice/cool sorts. But they aren't making attempts to talk back at me... *sigh*. It's tough, as I'd just be happy if they at least say, "wow, that's quite a wall of text!" to when I type so much. If just to recognize that I did put true effort into it and I will always do so in any sort of relationship. Even just friendship, I take so grandly because I don't really have anyone to talk to in person that I truly want to talk or spend time with, so I do resort to the internet to try to socialize a bit. Why do people have time to update their statuses a half-dozen moments per day and yet they still can't even try to return even a smidgen of the interest I try to give them. The support, the unbiased love; people say they want a lover, well for god's sake, earn it! I do get a little unnerved seeing them respond to far shallower advances when they clearly deserve far better than that... I know my heart is my best asset but try putting that down and having people take you seriously! For once, I want to be as respected, on a consistent basis, as much as the respect and time I give to people. I consider my friends as family in a sense, at least the few that matter (B--, T--, etc.) and try enough to behave like actual human beings, ones that are capable of some emotion or at least with tasteful decorum.
That said, blagh, I don't want to really add any more girls on this one networking site I'm trying to utilize lately. I don't find most very well, easy to talk to unless they outright talk to me first. All things considered, I'm also just getting tired of trying to strike up conversations with new faces... even as much as I think they might genuinely like me for well... me; an honest and simply kind person. I'm not the smartest, the fastest, the best looking nor the richest person in this world, but I could say few people can match how much I want to be positively connected to other people. To help them just get through their day a little easier, is it so much to ask I meet a man who can appreciate such a simple, if easy-to-overlook, trait? And one with the sheer confidence in themself to not be afraid to accept someone as unique (or just kooky, I don't care) as myself? That's all I really want in a boyfriend, that you never overlook the friend half of the job. You can't truly love someone if you aren't also friends, at least, that's what I think. Arrivederci~.
Okay, fangasms aside, you gotta admit... that outfit is pure sex. Stupid DLC *shakes fist*. Now listen up all you random people... why is it that none of you can be as honest, if as conceited, as this wonderfully ambiguous specimen? Y'know, I admire Zhong Hui's arrogance and hey, he at least tries to live up to his claims. Granted, all he seems to want is simply to be in power, despite not really being an ideal leader to any degree beyond the fact that he is moderately talented in combat and strategy. But this man acts superior because it is his firm belief that he is superior. Now that's impressive. Unwavering confidence in one's self, that's all one really needs to succeed. And it's still cute, how he claims to be the greatest in the land (ancient China) and yet he's neither very tall nor very intimidating in appearance. Of course, maybe I'm a little mean in finding humor over another's inflated ego. Then again... Quinton Flynn's performance in the English voiceover as this usurper is pretty hilarious, in a good way.
On a minor note: Zhong Hui's preferred weapon in his debut game is a considerably effective choice for both crowd control and obliterating officers with elemental attacks. And it's hard not to appear badass with 5 levitating swords at one's beck and call. A superior weapon for a superior officer. P:
Modesty gets to be overrated, y'know? I'm not saying to be a braggart by any means, but one should be more assertive, especially if one expects to get my attention. Given that I'm among those rare "genuinely nice" specimens left in this world, seriously people, get with the bloomin' program! Maybe you should take time out of your oh-so-busy schedules just to check on the little man--the people you haven't tried talking to yet or in quite some time. Y'know, if someone tells me they want to talk and then they don't have anything to say is still utter BS--find something to say already! I, personally, feel more relaxed rather than unnerved by random comments from others--at least those people are trying to share their thoughts, even if it is in a silly or sometimes meager method.
Can you understand how disheartening it is to genuinely take time to try to strike up conversations with people only to be ignored after spending an hour or longer trying to both self-edit and come across as true to oneself as is possible through the worst socializing platform--the internet? The worst part is I am trying my damnedest to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, too many are still too caught up in their frivolous and way-too-complicated personal lives to notice the effort. I miss my one friend... uh, "Tres-ni" I will refer to him; and yeah, he does SO many things that it's really taxing to try to get a free moment that lasts long enough to even talk to him. This goes on for months, I haven't spoken to him since sometime this past summer IIRC. Of course I want to because I had this crush which will probably continue unrequited for a long while because the one time I get myself to say "well, actually I kinda sorta love you and... yeah," was shortly after he got this girlfriend recently (he's bisexual, so will you kindly SHUT UP with your wandering thoughts!? morons~). Well, wouldn't you know that she dumped him sometime uh, late-autumnish sorta? I can't keep track of these dates precisely, I haven't seen my Tres-ni for about 6 months now, that's all I can muster x_x.
Well, it's not like he's local by any means, the kid lives out-of-state anyway so... I'm just trying to reach out to people in semi-near places. Not that I'm having any luck :/. A small handful are kinda nearby and seem like nice/cool sorts. But they aren't making attempts to talk back at me... *sigh*. It's tough, as I'd just be happy if they at least say, "wow, that's quite a wall of text!" to when I type so much. If just to recognize that I did put true effort into it and I will always do so in any sort of relationship. Even just friendship, I take so grandly because I don't really have anyone to talk to in person that I truly want to talk or spend time with, so I do resort to the internet to try to socialize a bit. Why do people have time to update their statuses a half-dozen moments per day and yet they still can't even try to return even a smidgen of the interest I try to give them. The support, the unbiased love; people say they want a lover, well for god's sake, earn it! I do get a little unnerved seeing them respond to far shallower advances when they clearly deserve far better than that... I know my heart is my best asset but try putting that down and having people take you seriously! For once, I want to be as respected, on a consistent basis, as much as the respect and time I give to people. I consider my friends as family in a sense, at least the few that matter (B--, T--, etc.) and try enough to behave like actual human beings, ones that are capable of some emotion or at least with tasteful decorum.
That said, blagh, I don't want to really add any more girls on this one networking site I'm trying to utilize lately. I don't find most very well, easy to talk to unless they outright talk to me first. All things considered, I'm also just getting tired of trying to strike up conversations with new faces... even as much as I think they might genuinely like me for well... me; an honest and simply kind person. I'm not the smartest, the fastest, the best looking nor the richest person in this world, but I could say few people can match how much I want to be positively connected to other people. To help them just get through their day a little easier, is it so much to ask I meet a man who can appreciate such a simple, if easy-to-overlook, trait? And one with the sheer confidence in themself to not be afraid to accept someone as unique (or just kooky, I don't care) as myself? That's all I really want in a boyfriend, that you never overlook the friend half of the job. You can't truly love someone if you aren't also friends, at least, that's what I think. Arrivederci~.
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