Words

They say actions speak louder than them; but what if you can't see the person's actions?  Aren't those actions then rendered useless?  And what about our thoughts?  A lot of people think in words.  No, not everyone but anyone who's ever read a book will in turn have been affected by words alone.  Especially any book with no illustrations.

Lately I've been thinking about... well, let's not mince words here.  Casey.  ♥  Oh... lol.  It's weird I guess.  I mean, it's been 4 years since I last heard from him (or about that long).  And still I miss him.  I try to get over it.  I try to welcome new people and possibilities, shifting as much energy and affection as I can to those things.  But I still just want to see, well, talk with him again as the case may be.  I never saw him directly.  I found his Myspace page around the time the site was mostly dead anyway and I did try to contact him nonetheless.  I'm *fairly* sure I got no reply.  Oh well, that'd be too easy.

I guess I'm in love with him to a degree.  I can go weeks without thinking much of him at all but he's always there. I guess I want someone that fits most of the things I liked about him--well, he was giving and open but never overtly so.  We'd spend a lot of time spooning in cyberspace but we'd also talk just about our lives and the joy of being free to live together.  It wasn't that we had any particular goals in anything, we just seemed more alive with one another.  I don't know about you, whoever reads this, but that sounds like a rather positive thing to me.

I never really knew the him outside his words though as I more or less meant by "never saw".  No real looks to go by.  But I trusted him.  I did get a glimpse of something physical and I'm fairly sure (though I don't have the image any longer--deleted for sanity's sake) that wasn't a lie.  There'd be no point in that.  Besides, I liked him too and though I mostly showed it by wanting to spend an hour or so with intimate exchange, I was pretty honest with him.  It was my own fault for mistaking such displays as genuine attraction from people though.  It led to our falling out if you want to call it.  But we were able to talk a little after it and mostly I was just elated to have time with him again, though that turned out brief.

He was sensitive in some regards, kinda enjoyed humor, and needed me to a degree.  I like those things in people... I don't like feeling unneeded or without being able to laugh.  As it turns out I apparently laugh easily when I'm amused/feeling happy in general.  It might be that since I cry easily, I also laugh easily?  Not unsurprising, I suppose.  I may just feel a bit lackluster since he felt he could leave so easily.  It's positive I was able to show him that he could be loved (his words mostly) but I can't help but wish he was still around.

I think I'm able to love most people.  Or, that I simply try to really know and appreciate people just for being there.  Just for their words, as it appears.  Oh sure, I could probably find some things to not like about him.  I just wasn't quite given that chance, lol.  I guess it feels incomplete, so I'm still in love with him, at least a little.  Sometimes more than a little.  But, I will earnestly try, when it's more than a little, to remember to love whoever is trying to love me.  At least, when they truly want to.  I'm at least, not out of love just yet.

And one more thing... he never made me choose.  Oh sure we both hadn't had sex before and I still haven't as of this entry.  But that was a big thing.  He let me do as I wanted.  Hell, he encouraged me to be the assertive/aggressive partner and for that I was thrilled.  Sure my text implied I would be open to taking turns with him, but he didn't need that.  There are few things hotter than the person you love (y'know, not to leave out you boring straight folk) asking you to go inside them.  Pfft, I don't care if I ever did get to penetrate him or not, I'd even be content with my fingers.  And there I go... bad me.

Later, randoms.