Back to my list... ah, yes~.
6). Final Fantasy 6
Entries 6 and 7 honestly flip-flop for me depending on my mood. There is very little difference of favoritism between them but, as I am not going to discuss them at the same time, they will get their own spots on the ladder. So, I think FF6 is... okay. Pretty much just "okay", as lame as that may be of an opinion but I don't feel too strongly about it. It meets most of my criteria for a good JRPG experience--memorable characters (to some extents), with each having at least a slightly unique contribution to battles, the battles aren't too monotonous and it has a good atmosphere (music, the way characters speak and so on). However, there isn't much to do in this game, which is unfortunate. In addition, it has very likable characters (Celes, Sabin, Edgar, Cyan, to name the most in my opinion) with some very bland characters (Gau, Mog, (not in personality but he does almost nothing important after you get him) the two fully optional recruits)) which causes a bit of mood whiplash. I don't know how too feel about this game, but its not one I dislike playing so... its fine for what it is.
7). Final Fantasy 8
This was the very first Final Fantasy I had ever played. Some people feel that one's first introduction to a series will remain one of the highest regarded if the series itself earns high esteem in one's mind. Eh, maybe I'm just too objective then in my opinion of this game at times. Which is odd because I do have strong feelings about it. And... ultimately, its okay. I like the game but I don't enjoy it more than 9 or 4 or 10-2. If you put all four games (those three and FF8) in front of me, I would usually pick out any other to play before it. Unless I had spent an excessively long time without playing 8. Which isn't too likely, I usually visit it every year at least once. Anywho, the story is a bit... odd. Not the most boring but if you try to take things at face value, you may not really be happy with the way things play out. And the ending of the game is really, really dumb. Still, the characters aren't totally unlikable. They are teenagers and pretty much act like it. I think people who prefer more seasoned, insightful characters in fiction may be the most disappointed in 8's group of protagonists but I still prefer them over those in games lower on this list. Perhaps that is because they felt relevant to me when I first picked up this game at 13 years old. So, I guess playing a game featuring people in my age range just suits me. Somewhat. There's plenty to do in 8 though, not a ton, but the card game is pretty fun if downright frustrating if you advance deep into it. The game even rewards you for playing Triple Triad with tons of useful items you can create from the cards. And for those who don't like much linearity, the game does open completely by the time you're on the second disc, and moreso on the third. I can't deny that.
8). Final Fantasy
The first one, that is. Okay, this game is very simple. But that is why its fun (for me). There's very little story, so while you're playing you can make up your own. The characters are all nameless but strongly defined in their battle roles (as each is locked to its job class) with no two being completely similar. The game is probably the shortest (beating it within 20 hours is normal) but is it fun? Well, yeah. Relaxing is the best word because you can pretty much do whatever you want. Want to spend 5 hours grinding? Go ahead. Want to wander around and encounter monsters way too strong for your current level? Be my guest. I'm sure some may get lost on their first time playing (at least without a guide) and that's quite alright. I just can't say much negative about it besides the most obvious -- old, barely any story or reason to progress beyond personal interest but if you don't like to read a lot and just want to mow down lots of monsters, it might appeal to you.
9). Final Fantasy 7
FF7 is well, not a game I'm too crazy about. Maybe because to me, most of it is quite boring. And the largest reason for that is... the characters in battle. So, as any fan of this game or the series more-than-likely knows, 7 employs a materia system to bestow magic abilities on its characters, who are all just ordinary humans with no special powers (in general). Because of this, no character has anything unique they can do in a fight without materia, barring their Limit Breaks. Since those Limit Breaks can only be used after a while and only if you've been taking lots of damage, you never really know when you'll have one to use. More irritating is that when your Limit is available... you can't attack normally at all. What. The. Hell. It is so dumb and makes absolutely no sense! Now okay, most Limits ARE indeed attacks but lets assume a possible scenario where the character Aerith gets in a battle with her Limit just a smidge below ready and an enemy hits her and, perhaps because she wasn't in use for a while, she has no materia set. She then won't be able to actually harm an enemy without using up her Limit (which are all supportive in nature), in other words, she has to waste her turn because somehow she "forgot" how to bop something with her staff. This, and because I am not a fan of blank-slate characters in RPGs (regarding their magic/supplemental skills), is why I really don't care for playing 7. The game is also long... a bit too drawn out, though I don't dislike the story itself. I have a hard time finishing this game if I try to play it seriously and well... that's a pretty fair reason for not feeling too strongly for the experience.
10). Final Fantasy 2
Now, in my honest opinion. FF2 is almost a complete and unarguable improvement over its predecessor. Yet, still I don't care for it as much as the 1st entry and it is mostly because it has they same key flaws as FF7 while being a less interesting game overall (in regards to its plot). The problem, for me, is its characters are just barely memorable (but I do really like Joseph and Minwu) and the core team are almost totally devoid of character which is a major downer. All they have is their appearance and the occasional line of dialogue and well, when the guest party member is usually more involved in the circumstances than your heroes... yeah~. Being full blank slates in battle is also not a point in their favor. But, really, the game isn't a complete downer for me like the next entries may evoke feelings of being. I can actually finish 2 when I decide to play it which is more than I can usually say for 7 or those to follow, wow!
11). Final Fantasy 5
Hoo boy... FF5. Agh. The characters in this game are likable. Really! But why, Why, WHY do they have to be blank slates totally hamstrung to grinding out job classes just to do anything of worth in battle!? Why does Galuf, who is established as a seasoned adventurer, have no more talent to his name than the princess with next to no combat experience whatsoever and why is said princess so naturally gifted for sorcery? Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind job class systems. Hell, when FF9 and FF4 ARE my favorites, I gotta like something about them, right!? And I love 10-2. But FF5 doesn't do anything to really make the classes matter to the characters besides minor stat differences which barely matter in the long run. Really, if the grind wasn't so boring and perhaps if a more open system like FFTactics, 10-2 and Bravely Default offered, I would enjoy this game so much more. As it stands though, its long, sloggy, and just frustrating that Faris is a far more interesting character than Bartz and isn't the main character. The truth comes out...
12). Final Fantasy 3
Everything I just said negative about 5 is present in 3. I'm sorry, but I don't care for this game and its really just FF5 with even less interesting characters. In part, because its an old game and didn't put the effort in because time, budget and technology restraints. So, I can forgive it for trying. And being the first game in the series to approach the open job leveling system separate from your character wasn't bad.
13). Final Fantasy 12
Firstly, I do not think 12 is a bad game. It merely disappoints me on a few fronts that are just borderline unforgivable. I am basing my opinion off the standard release, not the International version which improves on some aspects. But, as I cannot play that, 12 is burdened with the dishonor of being my least favorite Final Fantasy. FF12 has one of the Best worlds in the franchise. In fact, Ivalice is probably my third favorite world of all after Gaia (FF9) and Spira (FF10). Its so massive in scope (as the game shows so well, almost TOO well) and the multiple races found coexisting here is really nice and worth experiencing. But, most of the cast the player must follow are bland to borderline annoying. Again, the side characters are generally more interesting which, for an RPG, is not a good thing when you are expected to spend around 60 hours with them. Disliked, perhaps not all the time, but gosh do I just not care about Vaan when he does all of diddly squat after the party is united. And yet the game somehow wants me to care about him. I don't. Sorry. He's my least favorite character and you bet I'm steamed over Dissidia Duodecim including him in the game at all when Gabranth is a much, much better choice to represent the game. And I hate the license board, so... very... much. Not the idea but just the simple fact that the ONLY unique thing characters can get are Espers and several you have to go out of your way to find (good luck with that in the first place as the game does nothing to guide you towards the optional ones at all) and that the Quickening system is pointless for most of the game anyway as most enemies you're required to fight won't be much problem if you've enough licenses. Yeah... I'm miffed. Long, boring, characters that are blank slates, Quickenings using up MP (which is bad and also can make magic pretty pointless at times), and just... utterly disappointing to me (because I truly wanted to like this game more), is why FF12, though a perfectly reasonable game and RPG, is my least favorite Final Fantasy.
Woo-hoo, done! Happy holidays to whoever chooses to read this~. Buh-bye. ^~^
SH2
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Time to Liven Things Up
Really, I mope enough and all and I realize it has been too long since I start just sharing my feelings and opinions on things that aren't so depressing or equate to me whining or raving on about idiotic people, hah. So, I thought I'd take the time to discuss each major entry in a long time video game franchise that I genuinely enjoy for the most part -- Final Fantasy. No frou-frou analysis intended here, just my opinion. Take anything with a grain of salt as, after all, I am not you (whoever may read this) and thus I may vastly prefer or dislike things you very much don't.
In order of my personally most liked to my least liked, predominantly main-entry titles:
1). Final Fantasy 9
After much careful deliberation, this game is most definitely my favorite game in the series. Mind you, this comes from a person who first played this game as their third foray into FF, so the intended nostalgic motifs are not really important to me at all. The reason I truly like this game most is because it is the one I most enjoy replaying; as it feels packed to the brim of content possible for a game of its era of release, which was pretty much the tail-end of the Playstation 1's lifespan. Not only is there so much to do, I personally enjoy doing most of it all; and it doesn't hurt that the main story and game is quite enjoyable when I'm not entertaining myself with Chocobo Hot & Cold or the card game, Tetra Master. It amuses that the game also presents a reward for players looking to complete it as fast as possible (which I will never do, I dislike rushing) which seems completely against the design of the game itself, hah, but I feel that shows that the developers really did try to think of everyone when they were making this. This game has quite a lot of heart and so I'm always elated to admit FF9 as my very favorite Square game.
2). Final Fantasy 4
Final Fantasy 4 could tie with 9, as they are both very simplistic RPGs with similar styles in several aspects. But, that would be disregarding the fact that 4 just doesn't have nearly as much to do in the game as 9 does. Still, it ranks highly for me because of one simple fact. The characters are each memorable and distinct. No two major characters are exactly alike in their play-styles even if they share several abilities, and that is truly wonderful because it strengthens their overall identity. Which is sometimes forgotten in console-style RPGs, professional or not, these days. I appreciate this facet very strongly, and it is one key factor in why the Final Fantasies that are at the bottom of this are there. Their characters just aren't as well-defined nor worth repeated visits (in my opinion).
3). Final Fantasy 10-2
This is the only spin-off entry I shall be including on my list because it probably will prove the most interesting to talk about. Well, if anyone did want to seriously discuss with me, "why DO you like 10-2 more than... so many other FFs?" I am not ashamed about this... I like this game quite a bit and yes, more than its prequel. The primary reason is precisely why 9 appeals to me just a hair more than FF4 -- there is simply quite a lot to do in X-2, even more if you own the HD remaster. That's nothing to say of its combat, which I feel is among, if not THE best combat experience in the Final Fantasy series. It is not too slow nor too hectic and is just plain fun, frankly. Yes the game is full of fan-service, you will pretty much get that from the first three minutes of it being on, but really, it does not detract from the joy of playing this game so much that I can truly say I never want to not be able to play it again. I do not yet own a PS3 but when I do, I fully intend to play this game for several more years before I truly feel ready to close this chapter of "my story".
4). Final Fantasy 10
It was the first game I owned on my PS2, the second FF title I ever experienced and the first that I would complete in full. Needless to say, I am still a fan of 10. I can't even play it right now and I just still appreciate seeing others enjoy (or critique, if desired) the game. This game represents, to me, the quintessential FF and all-round RPG experience to me. An emotional, yet compelling character-driven story where the eventual destination means so much after the arduous journey to get there. This was the first game to give me tears when experiencing the ending because I really felt what the characters themselves were feeling after becoming invested in their lives. Why is it not my favorite FF? Because there is very little replayability, as it is very much a "once and done" sort of game. There's also not really a great deal of variety to do in this game as it can summarized by three things: battles, blitzball or chocobo racing. That's literally it. Mind you, two of those things aren't unique to this game and the one that is, is just... super repetitive and just not as addictive as the mini-games in 9, nor 10-2, are. Although I do enjoy 10's blitzball more than 10-2, 10-2 just has Sphere Break which wins me over (I like math, sue me).
5). Final Fantasy 13
Well, here you have it. I am not a person who strongly dislikes 13. Prepare your shotguns, but do be careful, you could shoot your eye out. This game is honestly not that bad. I suppose its biggest problems, at least when compared to other RPGs, is that its story is not cohesive at all, its presentation reflects the disorganization (mostly in terms of set/environmental design aspects) and (most egregious for me) there is just very little to do in the game. You do, primarily, one thing ever -- fight battles. If you're not in a battle or a cut-scene, you're facilitating things that either lead to more cut-scenes or affect your performance in battle. Granted, there is a lot to be said about 13's battles. I feel that the positives usually out-weigh the cons for the majority of the battles. Only a few bosses or optional encounters are really worth groaning over and when you seriously sit down and think about how few of those aches there truly are, the game is still an experience that can be enjoyed. Instead of making you solve puzzles in the field, 13 has you solve them for each unique enemy group and honestly, that's a pretty interesting thing that few games ever attempt and many never succeed at. Finally, although a lot of abilities are shared, the game does ensure that each character's role progression is fully unique to them and only a few characters truly handle their roles the same. Even more, it is important to note that the availability of some abilities means than some characters are just better suited to being in a certain role than their competition, so (to me), the characters have just enough of a touch of uniqueness to care about in the long run.
(I am tired right now and will continue in a future, hopefully soon, post. Take care.)
In order of my personally most liked to my least liked, predominantly main-entry titles:
1). Final Fantasy 9
After much careful deliberation, this game is most definitely my favorite game in the series. Mind you, this comes from a person who first played this game as their third foray into FF, so the intended nostalgic motifs are not really important to me at all. The reason I truly like this game most is because it is the one I most enjoy replaying; as it feels packed to the brim of content possible for a game of its era of release, which was pretty much the tail-end of the Playstation 1's lifespan. Not only is there so much to do, I personally enjoy doing most of it all; and it doesn't hurt that the main story and game is quite enjoyable when I'm not entertaining myself with Chocobo Hot & Cold or the card game, Tetra Master. It amuses that the game also presents a reward for players looking to complete it as fast as possible (which I will never do, I dislike rushing) which seems completely against the design of the game itself, hah, but I feel that shows that the developers really did try to think of everyone when they were making this. This game has quite a lot of heart and so I'm always elated to admit FF9 as my very favorite Square game.
2). Final Fantasy 4
Final Fantasy 4 could tie with 9, as they are both very simplistic RPGs with similar styles in several aspects. But, that would be disregarding the fact that 4 just doesn't have nearly as much to do in the game as 9 does. Still, it ranks highly for me because of one simple fact. The characters are each memorable and distinct. No two major characters are exactly alike in their play-styles even if they share several abilities, and that is truly wonderful because it strengthens their overall identity. Which is sometimes forgotten in console-style RPGs, professional or not, these days. I appreciate this facet very strongly, and it is one key factor in why the Final Fantasies that are at the bottom of this are there. Their characters just aren't as well-defined nor worth repeated visits (in my opinion).
3). Final Fantasy 10-2
This is the only spin-off entry I shall be including on my list because it probably will prove the most interesting to talk about. Well, if anyone did want to seriously discuss with me, "why DO you like 10-2 more than... so many other FFs?" I am not ashamed about this... I like this game quite a bit and yes, more than its prequel. The primary reason is precisely why 9 appeals to me just a hair more than FF4 -- there is simply quite a lot to do in X-2, even more if you own the HD remaster. That's nothing to say of its combat, which I feel is among, if not THE best combat experience in the Final Fantasy series. It is not too slow nor too hectic and is just plain fun, frankly. Yes the game is full of fan-service, you will pretty much get that from the first three minutes of it being on, but really, it does not detract from the joy of playing this game so much that I can truly say I never want to not be able to play it again. I do not yet own a PS3 but when I do, I fully intend to play this game for several more years before I truly feel ready to close this chapter of "my story".
4). Final Fantasy 10
It was the first game I owned on my PS2, the second FF title I ever experienced and the first that I would complete in full. Needless to say, I am still a fan of 10. I can't even play it right now and I just still appreciate seeing others enjoy (or critique, if desired) the game. This game represents, to me, the quintessential FF and all-round RPG experience to me. An emotional, yet compelling character-driven story where the eventual destination means so much after the arduous journey to get there. This was the first game to give me tears when experiencing the ending because I really felt what the characters themselves were feeling after becoming invested in their lives. Why is it not my favorite FF? Because there is very little replayability, as it is very much a "once and done" sort of game. There's also not really a great deal of variety to do in this game as it can summarized by three things: battles, blitzball or chocobo racing. That's literally it. Mind you, two of those things aren't unique to this game and the one that is, is just... super repetitive and just not as addictive as the mini-games in 9, nor 10-2, are. Although I do enjoy 10's blitzball more than 10-2, 10-2 just has Sphere Break which wins me over (I like math, sue me).
5). Final Fantasy 13
Well, here you have it. I am not a person who strongly dislikes 13. Prepare your shotguns, but do be careful, you could shoot your eye out. This game is honestly not that bad. I suppose its biggest problems, at least when compared to other RPGs, is that its story is not cohesive at all, its presentation reflects the disorganization (mostly in terms of set/environmental design aspects) and (most egregious for me) there is just very little to do in the game. You do, primarily, one thing ever -- fight battles. If you're not in a battle or a cut-scene, you're facilitating things that either lead to more cut-scenes or affect your performance in battle. Granted, there is a lot to be said about 13's battles. I feel that the positives usually out-weigh the cons for the majority of the battles. Only a few bosses or optional encounters are really worth groaning over and when you seriously sit down and think about how few of those aches there truly are, the game is still an experience that can be enjoyed. Instead of making you solve puzzles in the field, 13 has you solve them for each unique enemy group and honestly, that's a pretty interesting thing that few games ever attempt and many never succeed at. Finally, although a lot of abilities are shared, the game does ensure that each character's role progression is fully unique to them and only a few characters truly handle their roles the same. Even more, it is important to note that the availability of some abilities means than some characters are just better suited to being in a certain role than their competition, so (to me), the characters have just enough of a touch of uniqueness to care about in the long run.
(I am tired right now and will continue in a future, hopefully soon, post. Take care.)
Saturday, October 4, 2014
My Ideal (strictly hypothetically speaking)
Well, every now and then I do sort of wonder if I really know what I want from people. I'd at least like to claim that I have some vague idea as to what I hope to find in an eventual long-time relationship. So, I thought that I'd share the qualities that I would hope to find in a person I'd think of as truly ideal...
-my ideal lover should be either male or strongly in touch with his/her masculinity
-my ideal lover would rarely exert dominance, instead emphasizing harmony
-my ideal lover should be shorter than me by at least two inches or more (I'm 6'4")
-my ideal lover could have nearly any body type as long as they suffer from no major illnesses or conditions
-my ideal lover would understand the importance of restraint, save when it comes to passionate excursions or defending the wrongfully accused
-my ideal lover would not be one for giving nor receiving praise, simply believing in positive reinforcement when it appears pertinent
-my ideal lover would seek my help after first attempting a solution to their problem by their own merit
-my ideal lover should understand that to be with me is to be loved, to be wanted and needed simultaneously; which that is why I use the word "lover" in reference to them and not "partner"
-my ideal lover would inject humor even at their own expense if I'm down, showing true commitment and depth of character
-my ideal lover could cry if they wanted to and understand that I don't think of it as a sign of weakness, but to be endeared for entrusting me with their emotions
-my ideal lover should never willfully impose harm on their own well-being, let alone the livelihood of others (including things such as smoking, over-drinking, self-mutilation and etc.)
-my ideal lover would understand that it's okay to not meet all of these expectations and if they truly do love me, compromises can be reached
That's pretty much it. I, personally, don't think that is a completely unreasonable nor too long list of traits (in fact I meet a large number of them personally, but I'm hoping for someone with different interests or at least someone not too much like me in appearance or necessarily interests to help me really enjoy life and appreciate differences without being overly aggressive about it). Felt I'd keep this to remind myself of what's important now and perhaps late I can come back and see if anything has changed? Perhaps.
-my ideal lover should be either male or strongly in touch with his/her masculinity
-my ideal lover would rarely exert dominance, instead emphasizing harmony
-my ideal lover should be shorter than me by at least two inches or more (I'm 6'4")
-my ideal lover could have nearly any body type as long as they suffer from no major illnesses or conditions
-my ideal lover would understand the importance of restraint, save when it comes to passionate excursions or defending the wrongfully accused
-my ideal lover would not be one for giving nor receiving praise, simply believing in positive reinforcement when it appears pertinent
-my ideal lover would seek my help after first attempting a solution to their problem by their own merit
-my ideal lover should understand that to be with me is to be loved, to be wanted and needed simultaneously; which that is why I use the word "lover" in reference to them and not "partner"
-my ideal lover would inject humor even at their own expense if I'm down, showing true commitment and depth of character
-my ideal lover could cry if they wanted to and understand that I don't think of it as a sign of weakness, but to be endeared for entrusting me with their emotions
-my ideal lover should never willfully impose harm on their own well-being, let alone the livelihood of others (including things such as smoking, over-drinking, self-mutilation and etc.)
-my ideal lover would understand that it's okay to not meet all of these expectations and if they truly do love me, compromises can be reached
That's pretty much it. I, personally, don't think that is a completely unreasonable nor too long list of traits (in fact I meet a large number of them personally, but I'm hoping for someone with different interests or at least someone not too much like me in appearance or necessarily interests to help me really enjoy life and appreciate differences without being overly aggressive about it). Felt I'd keep this to remind myself of what's important now and perhaps late I can come back and see if anything has changed? Perhaps.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
My Difficulties Understanding People, and Etcetera~
Ignore the blatant improper grammar in that title (if you can, mwahaha!). I just seem to have major difficulties either giving the right impression or really getting why people pull the stuff they do. It's part of why I'm not very social--people lovin' frighten me at times. Earlier this week I had to visit an administrative office with my grandfather for reasons on an errand. So, not overly needing anything on that visit, I spend about 15 minutes sitting in the car, on a warm afternoon (say, 82 degrees) with the windows down partially while some tool is smoking in her own car with the door open about 5 parking spaces to my right. Needless to say, I'm not very comfortable, so I'd rather go sit in the AC'd waiting room of that office (I ended up needing to go in with my grandfather anyway because he has a simply terrible memory). I go to enter and for Lord knows what reason, that time there was a security guard working the door (since when does this office REQUIRE door guards!? I'm wondering, because I just visited 4 days prior to this event I'm sharing, in the same frame of time and there was no such guard present.) So he addresses me to the effect of, "what do you want?" in a tone that may as well have said, "you don't belong here, stay out of trouble," And I'm wondering to myself, internally, "what the hell? I need a grand purpose to enter a building I JUST visited last week. And clearly I'm not here alone because I just left a car from the passenger's side only a few steps away. Please don't beat me up, my gawd. : |" I barely managed a sentence but then the guard's brain clicked and he assumed I was going to wait on someone (which was true), then let me pass. I just don't like being put on the spot with authority figures like I stand out so lovin' much from everybody else. >.< I don't go nowhere nor bother anyone, don't drink, don't smoke, barely even look at other people and yet STILL I'm treated with suspicion instead of mutual congeniality. I don't think I look that mean or whatever, this really just gets to me. I'm 25 and treated like I'm some 16 year old delinquent by the po-po, da fuq!?
This isn't the only thing that has tormented my heart and mind these past two weeks, however. (How I wish it were just; alas.) I tried talking/spending a little time with a new guy who spoke to me first and seemed very interested in me. In a positive light, at no detriment to my self-esteem and at first, I'm really happy. Well, not even just "at first," for the whole time I'm speaking to this guy as he's behaving really nice, happens to be pretty and seems very understanding and mature for his age. And for some reason he seems to genuinely like ME of all people. So I'm moving along, being a bit dopey and maybe just ranting a little much, but I'm talking to him each day and he's replying. Then, only one day before I plan to buy new headphones for my computer so I can have a conversation with him, at least voice-to-voice, that can't be eavesdropped on by my overbearing grandfather, the guy appears to have vanished from my contact/friend list on the site I was using to exchange messages with him on. I go to ask him if he's okay, because he was on there before whilst we had been chatting and I hadn't the foggiest as to what was going on. The site tells me that I can't because now his profile's been set to private and they've blocked messages from non-friends. W-well okay... is pretty much all I can feel, then I turned my computer off and just laid down, tears coming down my cheeks as I just felt abandoned... again... (which is very difficult for me). And I don't know why it happened and what, if anything, I could or should have done to prevent it. Yeah... well... so much for that.
I get that I'm not that interesting to people, I suppose. I'm not even nice enough to treat like a human being with feelings and stuff that would appreciate knowing why I'm picked on all the time. '~' This is what the world chooses to tell me, at least. So, adieu, for this moment anyway. If someone decides to care (all, idk, 6 people that I think, maybe, might) you know where to find me.
This isn't the only thing that has tormented my heart and mind these past two weeks, however. (How I wish it were just; alas.) I tried talking/spending a little time with a new guy who spoke to me first and seemed very interested in me. In a positive light, at no detriment to my self-esteem and at first, I'm really happy. Well, not even just "at first," for the whole time I'm speaking to this guy as he's behaving really nice, happens to be pretty and seems very understanding and mature for his age. And for some reason he seems to genuinely like ME of all people. So I'm moving along, being a bit dopey and maybe just ranting a little much, but I'm talking to him each day and he's replying. Then, only one day before I plan to buy new headphones for my computer so I can have a conversation with him, at least voice-to-voice, that can't be eavesdropped on by my overbearing grandfather, the guy appears to have vanished from my contact/friend list on the site I was using to exchange messages with him on. I go to ask him if he's okay, because he was on there before whilst we had been chatting and I hadn't the foggiest as to what was going on. The site tells me that I can't because now his profile's been set to private and they've blocked messages from non-friends. W-well okay... is pretty much all I can feel, then I turned my computer off and just laid down, tears coming down my cheeks as I just felt abandoned... again... (which is very difficult for me). And I don't know why it happened and what, if anything, I could or should have done to prevent it. Yeah... well... so much for that.
I get that I'm not that interesting to people, I suppose. I'm not even nice enough to treat like a human being with feelings and stuff that would appreciate knowing why I'm picked on all the time. '~' This is what the world chooses to tell me, at least. So, adieu, for this moment anyway. If someone decides to care (all, idk, 6 people that I think, maybe, might) you know where to find me.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Swirlin' Round My Head..
You get a tic-tac if you correctly guess the song that phrase originates from. Well, anyway, one may infer that I have much going on in my mind. And, given my track record, that usually is the case! Blasted mental/social disease... but, I digress. (Asperger's isn't that much of a concern to me though I'm aware of how it affects me, non-the-less).
My grandfather recently fell quite ill. He caught an infection, which reacted with his diabetes and had blown his blood sugar levels to severely unstable levels (we're talking over 300, which is bad since diabetics generally want their blood sugar below 150 for general livelihood). This, as you may imagine, threw my family into a tizzy. He never asks anyone's help and him being effectively incapacitated only adds to his worrisome mind; or it would have if he weren't totally driven nutters the first couple of days. His condition was severe enough that my mother was driven to fly in here for the first time in 12 years. It was nice to see her, but I had generally very little one-on-one time with her during her stay. She pushed herself too hard and spent nearly half the time sleeping. What more concerns me is that when she called me after returning to her current residence in TX, she had been crying (you could tell because she was audibly sniffling during part of the call; she stated so plainly asides that). She didn't seem to cry though, when she was up here, besides when she first showed up, and only a little (which was several hours later than I had expected her to arrive). I thought she was okay in TX enough that she didn't miss me enough to cry about whatnot. Maybe she fears she left me to wait out my grandfather's passing if he never fully recovers (he is 70, after all). I don't know; but in positive news, grandfather seems mostly okay, if fatigued from the illness and bed-ridden days. He's able to walk, though requires a walker at present; I'm just hoping he gets well enough to go without it, like he did most of the time before (not that he had a walker before, but I at least didn't have to worry about him falling off of something just trying to sit up properly, which he did (thankfully it was just a mild spill off a couch unto the floor)). He could seriously hurt himself if he loses his balance in the bathroom because its small and there's so much one could potentially hit before the floor. Ugh, this is too much to worry about.
I'd just like to talk about this guy I recently noticed on ze internets. Assuming they are providing honest information, this particular guy lives in the area near my mother down in you-know-which-state. I'm not clear as to how they found my profile on this social networking site I use, but they did. He's a bit young (y'know, compared to me; though I'm only 25 at present) but this... honestly... may be the first person who shares most of my most prominent hobbies/interest. They very bluntly declare their self a gaymer, (!) but moreso states that their favorite genre of video games are RPGs (!!). Well, that's enough to make him want to talk to them, aside from the very real fact that I could move in with my mother in the future (she has expressed support of that precise notion) and so, if they don't move away for education, I'd have a very possible chance of seeing this person. What is more interesting is also that I'm not overly attracted to this person by their looks but more by their interests and that I do match some of their expressed desires in a romantic partner; which by my standards is very rare (in personal experience) and quite good! I mean, looks aren't everything to me; they help your case if you do stuff that I don't particularly like, but if all I feel is a physical attraction, it usually won't drive me to commit. You can blame the fact that I like slightly damaged, emotionally needy guys, because while I am partly that myself, I feel stronger, better, when I can help those sorts feel better about their self. Is he ugly? No. Is he hot? Um, I guess that depends on your definition and personal taste. I think I could really like him though, and like can always grow into love. No rush for anything, anyway; I'm just kind of happy to know he viewed my page first, so perhaps there's potential for friends at least. ^~^
My great uncles and aunts say that my grandfather seems pretty well when they visit him. He's supposed to be home again in the coming week. Hopefully all goes well with him and hopefully I don't awkwardly irk this new guy in any way when I attempt to talk to him, eheh. That about sums up how I feel before I contact everyone I spoke to first in just about ever. Yep. Now if you excuse me, I will probably try to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of doing disgustingly dorky and adorable things if I were really in a relationship with that guy, lol. (I do that, if you must be so warned.)
My grandfather recently fell quite ill. He caught an infection, which reacted with his diabetes and had blown his blood sugar levels to severely unstable levels (we're talking over 300, which is bad since diabetics generally want their blood sugar below 150 for general livelihood). This, as you may imagine, threw my family into a tizzy. He never asks anyone's help and him being effectively incapacitated only adds to his worrisome mind; or it would have if he weren't totally driven nutters the first couple of days. His condition was severe enough that my mother was driven to fly in here for the first time in 12 years. It was nice to see her, but I had generally very little one-on-one time with her during her stay. She pushed herself too hard and spent nearly half the time sleeping. What more concerns me is that when she called me after returning to her current residence in TX, she had been crying (you could tell because she was audibly sniffling during part of the call; she stated so plainly asides that). She didn't seem to cry though, when she was up here, besides when she first showed up, and only a little (which was several hours later than I had expected her to arrive). I thought she was okay in TX enough that she didn't miss me enough to cry about whatnot. Maybe she fears she left me to wait out my grandfather's passing if he never fully recovers (he is 70, after all). I don't know; but in positive news, grandfather seems mostly okay, if fatigued from the illness and bed-ridden days. He's able to walk, though requires a walker at present; I'm just hoping he gets well enough to go without it, like he did most of the time before (not that he had a walker before, but I at least didn't have to worry about him falling off of something just trying to sit up properly, which he did (thankfully it was just a mild spill off a couch unto the floor)). He could seriously hurt himself if he loses his balance in the bathroom because its small and there's so much one could potentially hit before the floor. Ugh, this is too much to worry about.
I'd just like to talk about this guy I recently noticed on ze internets. Assuming they are providing honest information, this particular guy lives in the area near my mother down in you-know-which-state. I'm not clear as to how they found my profile on this social networking site I use, but they did. He's a bit young (y'know, compared to me; though I'm only 25 at present) but this... honestly... may be the first person who shares most of my most prominent hobbies/interest. They very bluntly declare their self a gaymer, (!) but moreso states that their favorite genre of video games are RPGs (!!). Well, that's enough to make him want to talk to them, aside from the very real fact that I could move in with my mother in the future (she has expressed support of that precise notion) and so, if they don't move away for education, I'd have a very possible chance of seeing this person. What is more interesting is also that I'm not overly attracted to this person by their looks but more by their interests and that I do match some of their expressed desires in a romantic partner; which by my standards is very rare (in personal experience) and quite good! I mean, looks aren't everything to me; they help your case if you do stuff that I don't particularly like, but if all I feel is a physical attraction, it usually won't drive me to commit. You can blame the fact that I like slightly damaged, emotionally needy guys, because while I am partly that myself, I feel stronger, better, when I can help those sorts feel better about their self. Is he ugly? No. Is he hot? Um, I guess that depends on your definition and personal taste. I think I could really like him though, and like can always grow into love. No rush for anything, anyway; I'm just kind of happy to know he viewed my page first, so perhaps there's potential for friends at least. ^~^
My great uncles and aunts say that my grandfather seems pretty well when they visit him. He's supposed to be home again in the coming week. Hopefully all goes well with him and hopefully I don't awkwardly irk this new guy in any way when I attempt to talk to him, eheh. That about sums up how I feel before I contact everyone I spoke to first in just about ever. Yep. Now if you excuse me, I will probably try to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of doing disgustingly dorky and adorable things if I were really in a relationship with that guy, lol. (I do that, if you must be so warned.)
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Obligatory Next Food Network Star Hype Post
Wow, another season premiere. I'm sort of surprised this is still going. Okay, so, first critique out of the box--the finalists this year all seem, well, too professional, like all but one of them cook for their 9~5 (several being executive chefs) and it honestly makes it harder for me (the intrepid viewer) to really connect with them because they're too educated and well, too "plastic" for my liking. This does not apply to everyone, naturally. The finalists I'm most in support of this time, based on my first impressions, are Chris K., Loreal (I can't help but think she was named after the product brand, lol, no idea) and Lenny. With Aryen and Reuben being borderline interesting to me and the rest being from "okay" to "meh". I already know Chris K. from his appearance on Cutthroat Kitchen and Lenny I recall seeing before somewhere, although, I do forget where/when precisely. I'd like to point out that I totally did not expect Damaris(?) to win the last time around and Rodney was around way, Way longer than I thought he'd ever get (though that may be my personal bias against pies which were his personal hook). I think Reuben has way too much facial hair, lol, which some of the judging panel agreed with me on (woot!) but barring that, he could be interesting. I do, to be frank, have a general crush on Chris K. (Christopher L. is sooo blegh as well, but I digress). He's funny, passionate about his job (caterer) and being attractive doesn't hurt either. What endears me is that he is among the least polished of the male candidates when it comes to presenting himself to the panel/camera and I love that; if he becomes able to share more personal details in a genuine manner, while maintaining his zeal for people and food, he'll be hard to beat (Loreal is so far the only contestant to truly nail this and I must specify, I did not like her at first reveal). I don't have much else to comment on yet. Ciao.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Think Music
No, not music for thinking, eh, just feel I'll answer another series of questions found elsewhere. (overall this set is pretty well thought which is more than I can say for some; and seeing as no one ever reads this, I'll just answer each one I am able to, nyah P: ).
- 1: A song you like with a color in the title? IOSYS -- Green Limits
- 2: A song you like with a number in the title? Crow's Claw -- The Third Eye (eh? eh?)
- 3: A song that reminds you of summertime? blah, can't think of one... (I don't go out much in hot weather `~`)
- 4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about? can't say I have such a song or person
- 5: A song that needs to be played LOUD? Mass Attack (Shin Sangokumusou 7 OST)
- 6: A song that makes you want to dance? Crow's Claw -- The Grimoire of Alice
- 7: A song to drive to? Crazy Chocobo *shot* Demetori -- View of the River Styx
- 8: A song about drugs or alcohol? don't listen to any such song~
- 9: A song that makes you happy? theme of Anegawa (Sengoku Musou OST) often cheers me up
- 10: A song that makes you sad? Houko Kuwashima -- Endless Sorrow
- 11: A song that you never get tired of? Nanne Groenvall -- Hall Om Mig
- 12: A song from your preteen years? Monica -- The Boy Is Mine (f-ing catchy, man)
- 13: One of your favorite 80’s songs? well... um... born in '89, couldn't really pick up any earworms until like '95 when I could truly understand music so `~`
- 14: A song that you would love played at your wedding? Crazy Chocobo *gun cocks* um... maybe Exceeding Love (Genso Suikoden III OST)
- 15: A song that is a cover by another artist? Amy Lee -- Sally's Song ( =D)
- 16: One of your favorite classical songs? Toccata and Fugue (Bach)
- 17: A song you would sing a duet with on karaoke? duets? uh..... i don't know .-.
- 18: A song from the year that you were born? I wouldn't know where to begin : |
- 19: A song that makes you think about life? Funeral March in C Minor (Chopin)
- 20: A song that has many meanings to you? Septette for the Dead Princess
- 21: A favorite song with a person’s name in the title? *shrug*
- 22: A song that moves you forward? Bana -- Shell
- 23: A song that you think everybody should listen to? everyone should rock to Crazy Chocobo!! (FFXIII-2 OST) okay but really... Sarah Brightman -- Chromaggia (Repo!)
- 24: A song by a band you wish were still together? Evanescence -- Anywhere
- 25: A song by an artist no longer living? Glenn Miller -- In the Mood
- 26: A song that makes you want to be in love? Billy Piper -- Honey to the Bee
- 27: A song that breaks your heart? Hank Williams -- I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
- 28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love? Linda Eder -- Someone Like You (Jekyll & Hyde)
- 29: A song that you remember from your childhood? Tracey Ullman -- Thunderella's Song (Happily Ever After)
- 30: A song that reminds you of yourself? Angra -- Live and Learn
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Random Thoughts of the Day
... or twilight, I mean the sun isn't up yet and its in the AM as I'm forming these thoughts. Yep.
-I didn't know what "YOLO" meant until last Sunday, I feel semi-enlightened but honestly disappointed, it seems dumb to capitalize on "only living once so I can do dumb shit", as it essentially supports that; maybe I'm just anti-fun when I'm single, or maybe I don't care to be reminded of my morality, your pick
-I miss Grape Fanta (or other brands of the soda flavor); *sigh* it's probably my favorite just because I can't have it everyday (though if I could, I'd be tempted)
-I feel somewhat awkward when people talk about like chain restaurants I never heard of like it should be common knowledge to the entire planet; just reminds me of how isolated I usually am .-.; like, Chipotle sounds nice, I like spicy things and chili peppers but what the heck do they even serve besides I presume latin/hispanic cuisines? is that even what they offer? UGH!
-sometimes I'm happy after eating a meatless salad; but often I miss it; oh I do mean the red meats of course, since those are what I prefer to have sparingly... though I worry about possibly stressing any vegetarian friends if they're truly opposed to my eating land animal meat (not giving up fish for anyone, nope, never)
-will I ever find employment? gainful employment that I don't mind sticking with? staying tied to one thing (strictly metaphorically) can be difficult for me; that and well, Idk, I think some employers in retail have ass-backwards priorities when scouting for workers; I would really like to be proven wrong on that someday
-it's not just the alcohol content (and assorted health issues exacerbated by its consumption) that turns me off cocktails and whatnot, its the flavors, textures of mixed drinks and honestly just not being inhibited that I can't physically nor mentally bring myself to appreciating (just want to be clear on that... if I need to tell someone ever)
-I think if I had to break it down, I'm uh, predominantly homosexual, genderqueer (to be specific I usually feel I lack a particular gender identity when breaking down my habits and mannerisms, but I don't consider myself lacking a gender either, its hard because its more of a social thing than something I can just clarify myself), also demisexual and panromantic (those I can attest to)
-why can't people just be green and purple, then mate to have wicked (i.e. cool) striped skin babies? and save us from all the racial issues the world thinks it has
-I don't really feel "white" most of the time, if that makes sense, but I don't feel like any ethnicity in particular either, I'm not sure why that is or if I should be concerned about it
*yawn* welp, starting to feel sleepy now; at least some good is coming from my silly ranting, lol, may just cure insomnia yet!
-I didn't know what "YOLO" meant until last Sunday, I feel semi-enlightened but honestly disappointed, it seems dumb to capitalize on "only living once so I can do dumb shit", as it essentially supports that; maybe I'm just anti-fun when I'm single, or maybe I don't care to be reminded of my morality, your pick
-I miss Grape Fanta (or other brands of the soda flavor); *sigh* it's probably my favorite just because I can't have it everyday (though if I could, I'd be tempted)
-I feel somewhat awkward when people talk about like chain restaurants I never heard of like it should be common knowledge to the entire planet; just reminds me of how isolated I usually am .-.; like, Chipotle sounds nice, I like spicy things and chili peppers but what the heck do they even serve besides I presume latin/hispanic cuisines? is that even what they offer? UGH!
-sometimes I'm happy after eating a meatless salad; but often I miss it; oh I do mean the red meats of course, since those are what I prefer to have sparingly... though I worry about possibly stressing any vegetarian friends if they're truly opposed to my eating land animal meat (not giving up fish for anyone, nope, never)
-will I ever find employment? gainful employment that I don't mind sticking with? staying tied to one thing (strictly metaphorically) can be difficult for me; that and well, Idk, I think some employers in retail have ass-backwards priorities when scouting for workers; I would really like to be proven wrong on that someday
-it's not just the alcohol content (and assorted health issues exacerbated by its consumption) that turns me off cocktails and whatnot, its the flavors, textures of mixed drinks and honestly just not being inhibited that I can't physically nor mentally bring myself to appreciating (just want to be clear on that... if I need to tell someone ever)
-I think if I had to break it down, I'm uh, predominantly homosexual, genderqueer (to be specific I usually feel I lack a particular gender identity when breaking down my habits and mannerisms, but I don't consider myself lacking a gender either, its hard because its more of a social thing than something I can just clarify myself), also demisexual and panromantic (those I can attest to)
-why can't people just be green and purple, then mate to have wicked (i.e. cool) striped skin babies? and save us from all the racial issues the world thinks it has
-I don't really feel "white" most of the time, if that makes sense, but I don't feel like any ethnicity in particular either, I'm not sure why that is or if I should be concerned about it
*yawn* welp, starting to feel sleepy now; at least some good is coming from my silly ranting, lol, may just cure insomnia yet!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Holiday Update
Eh, why not? So, Happy Easter to whoever reads this (all 5 of you?), especially you, B, hope Hong Kong is being nice to you *pinches cheek*, lolol.
I tend to skip get-togethers on holidays not named Christmas and Thanksgiving, mainly because...
1). If there's more than 7 people other than myself present, I feel modestly overwhelmed. (Fact: I tend to be 30% more likely to do things, period, if left entirely by myself, including socializing, i.e. the internet.)
2). Pets, especially dogs and birds (pretty much anything that makes noise frequently) can really grate on me and I hate when non-humanoids invade my personal space.
3). At MOST holiday gatherings in East-Central PA, the food is so BORING. Well really because White European food itself bores me to tears. That and well, here's the general things offered, as an example:
-Ham (which I nearly never eat in any form excluding bacon at times)
-Broccoli covered in a crappy bacon dressing (except this "bacon", eww)
-Sweet potatoes (never eat them, I never liked the taste)
-Fruit salad (blegh, no)
-chocolate cake (I don't eat chocolate cake, as one may know, I prefer carrot)
-marshmallow peeps (I dun eat marshmallow either)
leaving me...
-corn on the cob
-some type of stuffing that appears to have potatoes mixed in (*commences eye-rolling*)
-white cake (...eh)
I can't eat the broccoli salad thing because of that dressing so like... all I'm getting is carbs and a starchy vegetable. Also, ham on Easter? Why not steak or duck or something other than HAM which you always make on Christmas anyway if you're of my family ethnicity? Augh.
Generally if I ever get in a committed relationship, I will seriously assert my preferences regarding something other than boring meat and fattening sides and boring as all get-out vegetables at my holiday meals. How am I supposed to come out of my shell with anyone if the food offers nothing I can't get at a diner in Jersey? (which some places thereat are scads better)
My "ideal" holiday menu would probably be more likely to feature:
-some variety of freshwater fish
-some variety of seafood
-an assortment of rice and pasta options
-some game meat (turkey, vension, goose, as examples) as the main protein
-at least two vegan/vegetarian entrees
-assorted sides/appetizers of salads, fried offerings, and quite possibly tacos
meaning that the biggest rules if you attend my residence on a holiday, BYOB and BYOD (bring your own booze--I don't drink, and bring your own dessert, I don't bake and all you'd likely find would be mints and tic tacs, frankly); lest whoever I end up with happens to be either a pastry chef or a wine connoisseur, then one of those conditions may verily vanish
Uh, how am I otherwise, you ask? (since this supposed to be an update, apparently) Egh, more or less the same. Still single (not that that ever matters, I mean, some people want to have sex with consenting couples which just bugs me on a personal level) and nothing much goes on with me. Besides the mediocre food that begs the question why I'm even overweight, since most stuff I get I would rather return, lol. I suppose that will have to suffice, internet.
I tend to skip get-togethers on holidays not named Christmas and Thanksgiving, mainly because...
1). If there's more than 7 people other than myself present, I feel modestly overwhelmed. (Fact: I tend to be 30% more likely to do things, period, if left entirely by myself, including socializing, i.e. the internet.)
2). Pets, especially dogs and birds (pretty much anything that makes noise frequently) can really grate on me and I hate when non-humanoids invade my personal space.
3). At MOST holiday gatherings in East-Central PA, the food is so BORING. Well really because White European food itself bores me to tears. That and well, here's the general things offered, as an example:
-Ham (which I nearly never eat in any form excluding bacon at times)
-Broccoli covered in a crappy bacon dressing (except this "bacon", eww)
-Sweet potatoes (never eat them, I never liked the taste)
-Fruit salad (blegh, no)
-chocolate cake (I don't eat chocolate cake, as one may know, I prefer carrot)
-marshmallow peeps (I dun eat marshmallow either)
leaving me...
-corn on the cob
-some type of stuffing that appears to have potatoes mixed in (*commences eye-rolling*)
-white cake (...eh)
I can't eat the broccoli salad thing because of that dressing so like... all I'm getting is carbs and a starchy vegetable. Also, ham on Easter? Why not steak or duck or something other than HAM which you always make on Christmas anyway if you're of my family ethnicity? Augh.
Generally if I ever get in a committed relationship, I will seriously assert my preferences regarding something other than boring meat and fattening sides and boring as all get-out vegetables at my holiday meals. How am I supposed to come out of my shell with anyone if the food offers nothing I can't get at a diner in Jersey? (which some places thereat are scads better)
My "ideal" holiday menu would probably be more likely to feature:
-some variety of freshwater fish
-some variety of seafood
-an assortment of rice and pasta options
-some game meat (turkey, vension, goose, as examples) as the main protein
-at least two vegan/vegetarian entrees
-assorted sides/appetizers of salads, fried offerings, and quite possibly tacos
meaning that the biggest rules if you attend my residence on a holiday, BYOB and BYOD (bring your own booze--I don't drink, and bring your own dessert, I don't bake and all you'd likely find would be mints and tic tacs, frankly); lest whoever I end up with happens to be either a pastry chef or a wine connoisseur, then one of those conditions may verily vanish
Uh, how am I otherwise, you ask? (since this supposed to be an update, apparently) Egh, more or less the same. Still single (not that that ever matters, I mean, some people want to have sex with consenting couples which just bugs me on a personal level) and nothing much goes on with me. Besides the mediocre food that begs the question why I'm even overweight, since most stuff I get I would rather return, lol. I suppose that will have to suffice, internet.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Internal Conflicts
Ominous post title is ominous, ooooo~.
I could seriously groan about some things though. Welp, so I'm single again. Not that that's a large surprise given my personal rapport but... its still mildly depressing. Oh well, I felt my connection to him fading about a month ago anyway and a week or more ago, the little scrod declares himself single and to "hit me up" in an update. Don't even bother trying to talk to the guy who would stick buy you so long as it was what you desired, just declare yourself open for business. No offense, but its just a little cheap. Do you even respect yourself? Did you even think, "hey, he's not talking much, maybe he thinks I'm busy or maybe, idk, he wants me to grab his attention with a simple, 'hi' once within 168 hours?" Honestly, I have my doubts, but I will not deny you making your own decisions. It's more than you've actively given me in months. I handed you my undivided devotion for 7, se-ven, months. I know I can't do much but I would have given you the moon if it were even possible. It's your loss.
I want to say that, but really, I don't feel I deserve to. I know how imperfect I am that it seriously hurts. My own mother just didn't care enough about me growing up. I have no father and my grandfather has lost his patience with my eons ago and we argue too easily over petty things. I do not envy my home life in the slightest.
I try very hard to be positive and kind to other people but it feels increasingly difficult lately. One acquaintance barely speaks to me. The one who speaks to me most actively has been in a series of odd extremes of interest and apathy lately that when I try to share things I'm happy to do so (in the act of share, discuss, etc.) I feel like I'm doing them more harm than good. It doesn't help they've felt slightly abused in their closest relationship outside myself (relatively speaking, this may not be fully accurate). One acquaintance I have to practically berate just to get them to talk to me like a normal human being with due respect and I feel like I lecture them a lot over things I shouldn't need to. And the last one, I have even less patience with and they are under the impression I'm always mean and tight wound with everyone ever.
Well, being single I guess lets me mingle. If you can even call it that. One person I do like, a lot. I genuinely want to know them better but its hard for me to say that straight out. I know they've also had a lot of bad luck (this is a person whose "first time" occurred when they were barely a teenager and could be described as non-consensual by some accounts) with relationships that they are likely more hesitant than ME at trying again. My timing appears to just really blow right now. Regardless of how they respond, I won't press them too much regardless. It's someone I really want to do right by (and I've been trying to do so each time aforehand as well) so its okay if he doesn't want to try Skype-ing me or whatnot. I just want to spend time with him because I have liked him for a long time already. I have more or less implied I certainly "like" him but well, you know, he may not think I "like him, like him", for some reason. I hope I haven't done anything to offend him or if there's something about me that somehow repulses him that I'm unaware of. One can hope.
Sometimes I also feel confused about my sexual identity. Not as far as whether I'm gay or not (still pretty certainly am) but regarding my "position" and stuff. I would like to top, but some people have given me the impression that a person isn't gay unless they've had butt sex and were receiving it (as a male). Yes I believe this is bull (because girls can plug their straight mates' arses with a dildo if it so fancies them to be perfectly frank) but SOME people act snobbish towards others just because they feel because they have experience it gives them the right to levy the, "but how do you know!? you haven't done it" card. And that is just rude, okay. Maybe I don't want to take it because I don't WANT TO, I certainly don't need to have any sex, okay? I at least deserve to have my first time be how I want because most of the time I'm too focused on what everyone else wants and when they leave me I feel that I failed to be of any worth to them! I failed to make them happy, to make them unable to find their way out of sorrow, to realize they could be happy with me. So excuse me if I want to top a person once in my life because I like to GIVE more than RECEIVE in every sense of the word. I'm so shy about my body because my family never supports me in anything and my grandfather puts me down all the time, insisting I go on extreme crash diets like its perfectly normal. And I don't care about being attractive. I want to be desired for things other than my appearance. .-. But according to my family, "no one will want to be with you (me) because of how you look and you never do anything". Yep.
The latter point is total bull. I do plenty, at times I feel I'm doing too much. I just don't have drive to do certain things like drive a vehicle, or work out, or "socialize" (hah, what a joke, like I'm going to drive 30 minutes to even get towards civilization and come home just to say I did something with people, the people that close are mostly boring as dirt anyway). Not for just myself. For another... maybe. It's easier. If they at least talk to me enough and sincerely want it themself. All you really need to say is, "I want it for you because... it's you," and if I know myself and have gotten to know you, I'll probably believe you then. And it will be enough. You (to my future lover) are enough.
'Til next time, readers.
I could seriously groan about some things though. Welp, so I'm single again. Not that that's a large surprise given my personal rapport but... its still mildly depressing. Oh well, I felt my connection to him fading about a month ago anyway and a week or more ago, the little scrod declares himself single and to "hit me up" in an update. Don't even bother trying to talk to the guy who would stick buy you so long as it was what you desired, just declare yourself open for business. No offense, but its just a little cheap. Do you even respect yourself? Did you even think, "hey, he's not talking much, maybe he thinks I'm busy or maybe, idk, he wants me to grab his attention with a simple, 'hi' once within 168 hours?" Honestly, I have my doubts, but I will not deny you making your own decisions. It's more than you've actively given me in months. I handed you my undivided devotion for 7, se-ven, months. I know I can't do much but I would have given you the moon if it were even possible. It's your loss.
I want to say that, but really, I don't feel I deserve to. I know how imperfect I am that it seriously hurts. My own mother just didn't care enough about me growing up. I have no father and my grandfather has lost his patience with my eons ago and we argue too easily over petty things. I do not envy my home life in the slightest.
I try very hard to be positive and kind to other people but it feels increasingly difficult lately. One acquaintance barely speaks to me. The one who speaks to me most actively has been in a series of odd extremes of interest and apathy lately that when I try to share things I'm happy to do so (in the act of share, discuss, etc.) I feel like I'm doing them more harm than good. It doesn't help they've felt slightly abused in their closest relationship outside myself (relatively speaking, this may not be fully accurate). One acquaintance I have to practically berate just to get them to talk to me like a normal human being with due respect and I feel like I lecture them a lot over things I shouldn't need to. And the last one, I have even less patience with and they are under the impression I'm always mean and tight wound with everyone ever.
Well, being single I guess lets me mingle. If you can even call it that. One person I do like, a lot. I genuinely want to know them better but its hard for me to say that straight out. I know they've also had a lot of bad luck (this is a person whose "first time" occurred when they were barely a teenager and could be described as non-consensual by some accounts) with relationships that they are likely more hesitant than ME at trying again. My timing appears to just really blow right now. Regardless of how they respond, I won't press them too much regardless. It's someone I really want to do right by (and I've been trying to do so each time aforehand as well) so its okay if he doesn't want to try Skype-ing me or whatnot. I just want to spend time with him because I have liked him for a long time already. I have more or less implied I certainly "like" him but well, you know, he may not think I "like him, like him", for some reason. I hope I haven't done anything to offend him or if there's something about me that somehow repulses him that I'm unaware of. One can hope.
Sometimes I also feel confused about my sexual identity. Not as far as whether I'm gay or not (still pretty certainly am) but regarding my "position" and stuff. I would like to top, but some people have given me the impression that a person isn't gay unless they've had butt sex and were receiving it (as a male). Yes I believe this is bull (because girls can plug their straight mates' arses with a dildo if it so fancies them to be perfectly frank) but SOME people act snobbish towards others just because they feel because they have experience it gives them the right to levy the, "but how do you know!? you haven't done it" card. And that is just rude, okay. Maybe I don't want to take it because I don't WANT TO, I certainly don't need to have any sex, okay? I at least deserve to have my first time be how I want because most of the time I'm too focused on what everyone else wants and when they leave me I feel that I failed to be of any worth to them! I failed to make them happy, to make them unable to find their way out of sorrow, to realize they could be happy with me. So excuse me if I want to top a person once in my life because I like to GIVE more than RECEIVE in every sense of the word. I'm so shy about my body because my family never supports me in anything and my grandfather puts me down all the time, insisting I go on extreme crash diets like its perfectly normal. And I don't care about being attractive. I want to be desired for things other than my appearance. .-. But according to my family, "no one will want to be with you (me) because of how you look and you never do anything". Yep.
The latter point is total bull. I do plenty, at times I feel I'm doing too much. I just don't have drive to do certain things like drive a vehicle, or work out, or "socialize" (hah, what a joke, like I'm going to drive 30 minutes to even get towards civilization and come home just to say I did something with people, the people that close are mostly boring as dirt anyway). Not for just myself. For another... maybe. It's easier. If they at least talk to me enough and sincerely want it themself. All you really need to say is, "I want it for you because... it's you," and if I know myself and have gotten to know you, I'll probably believe you then. And it will be enough. You (to my future lover) are enough.
'Til next time, readers.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Resonance
What? Were you expecting this post to be titled "resolutions" because its being drafted on January 1st? It's like you don't even know me at all. Anyway...
I don't get why people refer to skin tones by colors, especially when those colors don't even match well. So here's the real list of complexions: Cream, Peach, Cinnamon, Caramel, Chocolate, Licorice. I dare you to argue with the truth. (see, people are naturally sweet, but all of those listed components also have bitter notes, it's utterly perfect)
I frankly do not comprehend some people's hang-ups on their appearance making them "naturally predisposed to negative criticism" (that quote being a summary of some people's exact feelings on the matter). Unless you explicitly choose to modify your natural appearance (an extreme example being the late M. Jackson) then you have no right to obsess over something as vain and empty because hey... you have no true control over what you look like. Yes, you can alter your diet and exercise plan to achieve some level of self-gratification, but you're still always going to look like your parents whether you damn well like it or not. I digress; it's just... in at least a slight majority, your parents must have found some attraction and/or comfort in each other to have been able to conceive your life, y'know? If you were born of love, or at least born out of the mutual glimmering of two souls... you're not ugly. And for those unfortunate to not have been conceived under those circumstances... one soul was still shining, and now so is your own.
Bah, it's just... life is so precious. I hope you can understand, readers, why I am so hurt by people who would harm or prematurely end such a thing. It's a large part of why smoking cigarettes and the like bothers me so much, let alone it irritating my ability to even breathe if I'm exposed to the noxious gases. And it is why I could never just abide someone having suicidal thoughts. It's never too late to affect someone, to have the chance to make just one person other than yourself feel better. You can accomplish that just by being around them, just by talking to someone new. You're only as alone as you choose to let yourself feel. So stop it... because you're hurting me, you selfish punks. I think you get the idea. P:
Yes, I think about things like the above. Not to a degree I'd consider completely unnatural, but probably more than an average citizen. I like to hope maybe that's what some people might find attractive about me, if they get to know me. I also like to hope that maybe, on occasion, someone genuinely found me attractive, perhaps by my looks or my ideals, or perhaps just my honesty in the general way I respond to queries on a social media website. And that maybe, for an unknown quantity of time, they sat and looked at a picture of me and felt a degree of happiness. At times I do that, myself. That is, sometimes when I'm just perusing the internet through personal blogs and social media, I just happen upon one or more persons I find likable, maybe not even people I would even be comfortable speaking to face to face, but for just a moment, I feel better, having seen or reading of such a person. I feel better because there's still people I can like in the world and feel less alone. It's a wonderful feeling.
Today is Jerod's birthday and well, he also contributes feelings of the aforementioned quality. Probably in ways he nor most may expect. Yep. ^_^
I don't get why people refer to skin tones by colors, especially when those colors don't even match well. So here's the real list of complexions: Cream, Peach, Cinnamon, Caramel, Chocolate, Licorice. I dare you to argue with the truth. (see, people are naturally sweet, but all of those listed components also have bitter notes, it's utterly perfect)
I frankly do not comprehend some people's hang-ups on their appearance making them "naturally predisposed to negative criticism" (that quote being a summary of some people's exact feelings on the matter). Unless you explicitly choose to modify your natural appearance (an extreme example being the late M. Jackson) then you have no right to obsess over something as vain and empty because hey... you have no true control over what you look like. Yes, you can alter your diet and exercise plan to achieve some level of self-gratification, but you're still always going to look like your parents whether you damn well like it or not. I digress; it's just... in at least a slight majority, your parents must have found some attraction and/or comfort in each other to have been able to conceive your life, y'know? If you were born of love, or at least born out of the mutual glimmering of two souls... you're not ugly. And for those unfortunate to not have been conceived under those circumstances... one soul was still shining, and now so is your own.
Bah, it's just... life is so precious. I hope you can understand, readers, why I am so hurt by people who would harm or prematurely end such a thing. It's a large part of why smoking cigarettes and the like bothers me so much, let alone it irritating my ability to even breathe if I'm exposed to the noxious gases. And it is why I could never just abide someone having suicidal thoughts. It's never too late to affect someone, to have the chance to make just one person other than yourself feel better. You can accomplish that just by being around them, just by talking to someone new. You're only as alone as you choose to let yourself feel. So stop it... because you're hurting me, you selfish punks. I think you get the idea. P:
Yes, I think about things like the above. Not to a degree I'd consider completely unnatural, but probably more than an average citizen. I like to hope maybe that's what some people might find attractive about me, if they get to know me. I also like to hope that maybe, on occasion, someone genuinely found me attractive, perhaps by my looks or my ideals, or perhaps just my honesty in the general way I respond to queries on a social media website. And that maybe, for an unknown quantity of time, they sat and looked at a picture of me and felt a degree of happiness. At times I do that, myself. That is, sometimes when I'm just perusing the internet through personal blogs and social media, I just happen upon one or more persons I find likable, maybe not even people I would even be comfortable speaking to face to face, but for just a moment, I feel better, having seen or reading of such a person. I feel better because there's still people I can like in the world and feel less alone. It's a wonderful feeling.
Today is Jerod's birthday and well, he also contributes feelings of the aforementioned quality. Probably in ways he nor most may expect. Yep. ^_^
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