Ignore the blatant improper grammar in that title (if you can, mwahaha!). I just seem to have major difficulties either giving the right impression or really getting why people pull the stuff they do. It's part of why I'm not very social--people lovin' frighten me at times. Earlier this week I had to visit an administrative office with my grandfather for reasons on an errand. So, not overly needing anything on that visit, I spend about 15 minutes sitting in the car, on a warm afternoon (say, 82 degrees) with the windows down partially while some tool is smoking in her own car with the door open about 5 parking spaces to my right. Needless to say, I'm not very comfortable, so I'd rather go sit in the AC'd waiting room of that office (I ended up needing to go in with my grandfather anyway because he has a simply terrible memory). I go to enter and for Lord knows what reason, that time there was a security guard working the door (since when does this office REQUIRE door guards!? I'm wondering, because I just visited 4 days prior to this event I'm sharing, in the same frame of time and there was no such guard present.) So he addresses me to the effect of, "what do you want?" in a tone that may as well have said, "you don't belong here, stay out of trouble," And I'm wondering to myself, internally, "what the hell? I need a grand purpose to enter a building I JUST visited last week. And clearly I'm not here alone because I just left a car from the passenger's side only a few steps away. Please don't beat me up, my gawd. : |" I barely managed a sentence but then the guard's brain clicked and he assumed I was going to wait on someone (which was true), then let me pass. I just don't like being put on the spot with authority figures like I stand out so lovin' much from everybody else. >.< I don't go nowhere nor bother anyone, don't drink, don't smoke, barely even look at other people and yet STILL I'm treated with suspicion instead of mutual congeniality. I don't think I look that mean or whatever, this really just gets to me. I'm 25 and treated like I'm some 16 year old delinquent by the po-po, da fuq!?
This isn't the only thing that has tormented my heart and mind these past two weeks, however. (How I wish it were just; alas.) I tried talking/spending a little time with a new guy who spoke to me first and seemed very interested in me. In a positive light, at no detriment to my self-esteem and at first, I'm really happy. Well, not even just "at first," for the whole time I'm speaking to this guy as he's behaving really nice, happens to be pretty and seems very understanding and mature for his age. And for some reason he seems to genuinely like ME of all people. So I'm moving along, being a bit dopey and maybe just ranting a little much, but I'm talking to him each day and he's replying. Then, only one day before I plan to buy new headphones for my computer so I can have a conversation with him, at least voice-to-voice, that can't be eavesdropped on by my overbearing grandfather, the guy appears to have vanished from my contact/friend list on the site I was using to exchange messages with him on. I go to ask him if he's okay, because he was on there before whilst we had been chatting and I hadn't the foggiest as to what was going on. The site tells me that I can't because now his profile's been set to private and they've blocked messages from non-friends. W-well okay... is pretty much all I can feel, then I turned my computer off and just laid down, tears coming down my cheeks as I just felt abandoned... again... (which is very difficult for me). And I don't know why it happened and what, if anything, I could or should have done to prevent it. Yeah... well... so much for that.
I get that I'm not that interesting to people, I suppose. I'm not even nice enough to treat like a human being with feelings and stuff that would appreciate knowing why I'm picked on all the time. '~' This is what the world chooses to tell me, at least. So, adieu, for this moment anyway. If someone decides to care (all, idk, 6 people that I think, maybe, might) you know where to find me.
SH2
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Swirlin' Round My Head..
You get a tic-tac if you correctly guess the song that phrase originates from. Well, anyway, one may infer that I have much going on in my mind. And, given my track record, that usually is the case! Blasted mental/social disease... but, I digress. (Asperger's isn't that much of a concern to me though I'm aware of how it affects me, non-the-less).
My grandfather recently fell quite ill. He caught an infection, which reacted with his diabetes and had blown his blood sugar levels to severely unstable levels (we're talking over 300, which is bad since diabetics generally want their blood sugar below 150 for general livelihood). This, as you may imagine, threw my family into a tizzy. He never asks anyone's help and him being effectively incapacitated only adds to his worrisome mind; or it would have if he weren't totally driven nutters the first couple of days. His condition was severe enough that my mother was driven to fly in here for the first time in 12 years. It was nice to see her, but I had generally very little one-on-one time with her during her stay. She pushed herself too hard and spent nearly half the time sleeping. What more concerns me is that when she called me after returning to her current residence in TX, she had been crying (you could tell because she was audibly sniffling during part of the call; she stated so plainly asides that). She didn't seem to cry though, when she was up here, besides when she first showed up, and only a little (which was several hours later than I had expected her to arrive). I thought she was okay in TX enough that she didn't miss me enough to cry about whatnot. Maybe she fears she left me to wait out my grandfather's passing if he never fully recovers (he is 70, after all). I don't know; but in positive news, grandfather seems mostly okay, if fatigued from the illness and bed-ridden days. He's able to walk, though requires a walker at present; I'm just hoping he gets well enough to go without it, like he did most of the time before (not that he had a walker before, but I at least didn't have to worry about him falling off of something just trying to sit up properly, which he did (thankfully it was just a mild spill off a couch unto the floor)). He could seriously hurt himself if he loses his balance in the bathroom because its small and there's so much one could potentially hit before the floor. Ugh, this is too much to worry about.
I'd just like to talk about this guy I recently noticed on ze internets. Assuming they are providing honest information, this particular guy lives in the area near my mother down in you-know-which-state. I'm not clear as to how they found my profile on this social networking site I use, but they did. He's a bit young (y'know, compared to me; though I'm only 25 at present) but this... honestly... may be the first person who shares most of my most prominent hobbies/interest. They very bluntly declare their self a gaymer, (!) but moreso states that their favorite genre of video games are RPGs (!!). Well, that's enough to make him want to talk to them, aside from the very real fact that I could move in with my mother in the future (she has expressed support of that precise notion) and so, if they don't move away for education, I'd have a very possible chance of seeing this person. What is more interesting is also that I'm not overly attracted to this person by their looks but more by their interests and that I do match some of their expressed desires in a romantic partner; which by my standards is very rare (in personal experience) and quite good! I mean, looks aren't everything to me; they help your case if you do stuff that I don't particularly like, but if all I feel is a physical attraction, it usually won't drive me to commit. You can blame the fact that I like slightly damaged, emotionally needy guys, because while I am partly that myself, I feel stronger, better, when I can help those sorts feel better about their self. Is he ugly? No. Is he hot? Um, I guess that depends on your definition and personal taste. I think I could really like him though, and like can always grow into love. No rush for anything, anyway; I'm just kind of happy to know he viewed my page first, so perhaps there's potential for friends at least. ^~^
My great uncles and aunts say that my grandfather seems pretty well when they visit him. He's supposed to be home again in the coming week. Hopefully all goes well with him and hopefully I don't awkwardly irk this new guy in any way when I attempt to talk to him, eheh. That about sums up how I feel before I contact everyone I spoke to first in just about ever. Yep. Now if you excuse me, I will probably try to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of doing disgustingly dorky and adorable things if I were really in a relationship with that guy, lol. (I do that, if you must be so warned.)
My grandfather recently fell quite ill. He caught an infection, which reacted with his diabetes and had blown his blood sugar levels to severely unstable levels (we're talking over 300, which is bad since diabetics generally want their blood sugar below 150 for general livelihood). This, as you may imagine, threw my family into a tizzy. He never asks anyone's help and him being effectively incapacitated only adds to his worrisome mind; or it would have if he weren't totally driven nutters the first couple of days. His condition was severe enough that my mother was driven to fly in here for the first time in 12 years. It was nice to see her, but I had generally very little one-on-one time with her during her stay. She pushed herself too hard and spent nearly half the time sleeping. What more concerns me is that when she called me after returning to her current residence in TX, she had been crying (you could tell because she was audibly sniffling during part of the call; she stated so plainly asides that). She didn't seem to cry though, when she was up here, besides when she first showed up, and only a little (which was several hours later than I had expected her to arrive). I thought she was okay in TX enough that she didn't miss me enough to cry about whatnot. Maybe she fears she left me to wait out my grandfather's passing if he never fully recovers (he is 70, after all). I don't know; but in positive news, grandfather seems mostly okay, if fatigued from the illness and bed-ridden days. He's able to walk, though requires a walker at present; I'm just hoping he gets well enough to go without it, like he did most of the time before (not that he had a walker before, but I at least didn't have to worry about him falling off of something just trying to sit up properly, which he did (thankfully it was just a mild spill off a couch unto the floor)). He could seriously hurt himself if he loses his balance in the bathroom because its small and there's so much one could potentially hit before the floor. Ugh, this is too much to worry about.
I'd just like to talk about this guy I recently noticed on ze internets. Assuming they are providing honest information, this particular guy lives in the area near my mother down in you-know-which-state. I'm not clear as to how they found my profile on this social networking site I use, but they did. He's a bit young (y'know, compared to me; though I'm only 25 at present) but this... honestly... may be the first person who shares most of my most prominent hobbies/interest. They very bluntly declare their self a gaymer, (!) but moreso states that their favorite genre of video games are RPGs (!!). Well, that's enough to make him want to talk to them, aside from the very real fact that I could move in with my mother in the future (she has expressed support of that precise notion) and so, if they don't move away for education, I'd have a very possible chance of seeing this person. What is more interesting is also that I'm not overly attracted to this person by their looks but more by their interests and that I do match some of their expressed desires in a romantic partner; which by my standards is very rare (in personal experience) and quite good! I mean, looks aren't everything to me; they help your case if you do stuff that I don't particularly like, but if all I feel is a physical attraction, it usually won't drive me to commit. You can blame the fact that I like slightly damaged, emotionally needy guys, because while I am partly that myself, I feel stronger, better, when I can help those sorts feel better about their self. Is he ugly? No. Is he hot? Um, I guess that depends on your definition and personal taste. I think I could really like him though, and like can always grow into love. No rush for anything, anyway; I'm just kind of happy to know he viewed my page first, so perhaps there's potential for friends at least. ^~^
My great uncles and aunts say that my grandfather seems pretty well when they visit him. He's supposed to be home again in the coming week. Hopefully all goes well with him and hopefully I don't awkwardly irk this new guy in any way when I attempt to talk to him, eheh. That about sums up how I feel before I contact everyone I spoke to first in just about ever. Yep. Now if you excuse me, I will probably try to lull myself to sleep with thoughts of doing disgustingly dorky and adorable things if I were really in a relationship with that guy, lol. (I do that, if you must be so warned.)
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Obligatory Next Food Network Star Hype Post
Wow, another season premiere. I'm sort of surprised this is still going. Okay, so, first critique out of the box--the finalists this year all seem, well, too professional, like all but one of them cook for their 9~5 (several being executive chefs) and it honestly makes it harder for me (the intrepid viewer) to really connect with them because they're too educated and well, too "plastic" for my liking. This does not apply to everyone, naturally. The finalists I'm most in support of this time, based on my first impressions, are Chris K., Loreal (I can't help but think she was named after the product brand, lol, no idea) and Lenny. With Aryen and Reuben being borderline interesting to me and the rest being from "okay" to "meh". I already know Chris K. from his appearance on Cutthroat Kitchen and Lenny I recall seeing before somewhere, although, I do forget where/when precisely. I'd like to point out that I totally did not expect Damaris(?) to win the last time around and Rodney was around way, Way longer than I thought he'd ever get (though that may be my personal bias against pies which were his personal hook). I think Reuben has way too much facial hair, lol, which some of the judging panel agreed with me on (woot!) but barring that, he could be interesting. I do, to be frank, have a general crush on Chris K. (Christopher L. is sooo blegh as well, but I digress). He's funny, passionate about his job (caterer) and being attractive doesn't hurt either. What endears me is that he is among the least polished of the male candidates when it comes to presenting himself to the panel/camera and I love that; if he becomes able to share more personal details in a genuine manner, while maintaining his zeal for people and food, he'll be hard to beat (Loreal is so far the only contestant to truly nail this and I must specify, I did not like her at first reveal). I don't have much else to comment on yet. Ciao.
Monday, May 26, 2014
Think Music
No, not music for thinking, eh, just feel I'll answer another series of questions found elsewhere. (overall this set is pretty well thought which is more than I can say for some; and seeing as no one ever reads this, I'll just answer each one I am able to, nyah P: ).
- 1: A song you like with a color in the title? IOSYS -- Green Limits
- 2: A song you like with a number in the title? Crow's Claw -- The Third Eye (eh? eh?)
- 3: A song that reminds you of summertime? blah, can't think of one... (I don't go out much in hot weather `~`)
- 4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about? can't say I have such a song or person
- 5: A song that needs to be played LOUD? Mass Attack (Shin Sangokumusou 7 OST)
- 6: A song that makes you want to dance? Crow's Claw -- The Grimoire of Alice
- 7: A song to drive to? Crazy Chocobo *shot* Demetori -- View of the River Styx
- 8: A song about drugs or alcohol? don't listen to any such song~
- 9: A song that makes you happy? theme of Anegawa (Sengoku Musou OST) often cheers me up
- 10: A song that makes you sad? Houko Kuwashima -- Endless Sorrow
- 11: A song that you never get tired of? Nanne Groenvall -- Hall Om Mig
- 12: A song from your preteen years? Monica -- The Boy Is Mine (f-ing catchy, man)
- 13: One of your favorite 80’s songs? well... um... born in '89, couldn't really pick up any earworms until like '95 when I could truly understand music so `~`
- 14: A song that you would love played at your wedding? Crazy Chocobo *gun cocks* um... maybe Exceeding Love (Genso Suikoden III OST)
- 15: A song that is a cover by another artist? Amy Lee -- Sally's Song ( =D)
- 16: One of your favorite classical songs? Toccata and Fugue (Bach)
- 17: A song you would sing a duet with on karaoke? duets? uh..... i don't know .-.
- 18: A song from the year that you were born? I wouldn't know where to begin : |
- 19: A song that makes you think about life? Funeral March in C Minor (Chopin)
- 20: A song that has many meanings to you? Septette for the Dead Princess
- 21: A favorite song with a person’s name in the title? *shrug*
- 22: A song that moves you forward? Bana -- Shell
- 23: A song that you think everybody should listen to? everyone should rock to Crazy Chocobo!! (FFXIII-2 OST) okay but really... Sarah Brightman -- Chromaggia (Repo!)
- 24: A song by a band you wish were still together? Evanescence -- Anywhere
- 25: A song by an artist no longer living? Glenn Miller -- In the Mood
- 26: A song that makes you want to be in love? Billy Piper -- Honey to the Bee
- 27: A song that breaks your heart? Hank Williams -- I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry
- 28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love? Linda Eder -- Someone Like You (Jekyll & Hyde)
- 29: A song that you remember from your childhood? Tracey Ullman -- Thunderella's Song (Happily Ever After)
- 30: A song that reminds you of yourself? Angra -- Live and Learn
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Random Thoughts of the Day
... or twilight, I mean the sun isn't up yet and its in the AM as I'm forming these thoughts. Yep.
-I didn't know what "YOLO" meant until last Sunday, I feel semi-enlightened but honestly disappointed, it seems dumb to capitalize on "only living once so I can do dumb shit", as it essentially supports that; maybe I'm just anti-fun when I'm single, or maybe I don't care to be reminded of my morality, your pick
-I miss Grape Fanta (or other brands of the soda flavor); *sigh* it's probably my favorite just because I can't have it everyday (though if I could, I'd be tempted)
-I feel somewhat awkward when people talk about like chain restaurants I never heard of like it should be common knowledge to the entire planet; just reminds me of how isolated I usually am .-.; like, Chipotle sounds nice, I like spicy things and chili peppers but what the heck do they even serve besides I presume latin/hispanic cuisines? is that even what they offer? UGH!
-sometimes I'm happy after eating a meatless salad; but often I miss it; oh I do mean the red meats of course, since those are what I prefer to have sparingly... though I worry about possibly stressing any vegetarian friends if they're truly opposed to my eating land animal meat (not giving up fish for anyone, nope, never)
-will I ever find employment? gainful employment that I don't mind sticking with? staying tied to one thing (strictly metaphorically) can be difficult for me; that and well, Idk, I think some employers in retail have ass-backwards priorities when scouting for workers; I would really like to be proven wrong on that someday
-it's not just the alcohol content (and assorted health issues exacerbated by its consumption) that turns me off cocktails and whatnot, its the flavors, textures of mixed drinks and honestly just not being inhibited that I can't physically nor mentally bring myself to appreciating (just want to be clear on that... if I need to tell someone ever)
-I think if I had to break it down, I'm uh, predominantly homosexual, genderqueer (to be specific I usually feel I lack a particular gender identity when breaking down my habits and mannerisms, but I don't consider myself lacking a gender either, its hard because its more of a social thing than something I can just clarify myself), also demisexual and panromantic (those I can attest to)
-why can't people just be green and purple, then mate to have wicked (i.e. cool) striped skin babies? and save us from all the racial issues the world thinks it has
-I don't really feel "white" most of the time, if that makes sense, but I don't feel like any ethnicity in particular either, I'm not sure why that is or if I should be concerned about it
*yawn* welp, starting to feel sleepy now; at least some good is coming from my silly ranting, lol, may just cure insomnia yet!
-I didn't know what "YOLO" meant until last Sunday, I feel semi-enlightened but honestly disappointed, it seems dumb to capitalize on "only living once so I can do dumb shit", as it essentially supports that; maybe I'm just anti-fun when I'm single, or maybe I don't care to be reminded of my morality, your pick
-I miss Grape Fanta (or other brands of the soda flavor); *sigh* it's probably my favorite just because I can't have it everyday (though if I could, I'd be tempted)
-I feel somewhat awkward when people talk about like chain restaurants I never heard of like it should be common knowledge to the entire planet; just reminds me of how isolated I usually am .-.; like, Chipotle sounds nice, I like spicy things and chili peppers but what the heck do they even serve besides I presume latin/hispanic cuisines? is that even what they offer? UGH!
-sometimes I'm happy after eating a meatless salad; but often I miss it; oh I do mean the red meats of course, since those are what I prefer to have sparingly... though I worry about possibly stressing any vegetarian friends if they're truly opposed to my eating land animal meat (not giving up fish for anyone, nope, never)
-will I ever find employment? gainful employment that I don't mind sticking with? staying tied to one thing (strictly metaphorically) can be difficult for me; that and well, Idk, I think some employers in retail have ass-backwards priorities when scouting for workers; I would really like to be proven wrong on that someday
-it's not just the alcohol content (and assorted health issues exacerbated by its consumption) that turns me off cocktails and whatnot, its the flavors, textures of mixed drinks and honestly just not being inhibited that I can't physically nor mentally bring myself to appreciating (just want to be clear on that... if I need to tell someone ever)
-I think if I had to break it down, I'm uh, predominantly homosexual, genderqueer (to be specific I usually feel I lack a particular gender identity when breaking down my habits and mannerisms, but I don't consider myself lacking a gender either, its hard because its more of a social thing than something I can just clarify myself), also demisexual and panromantic (those I can attest to)
-why can't people just be green and purple, then mate to have wicked (i.e. cool) striped skin babies? and save us from all the racial issues the world thinks it has
-I don't really feel "white" most of the time, if that makes sense, but I don't feel like any ethnicity in particular either, I'm not sure why that is or if I should be concerned about it
*yawn* welp, starting to feel sleepy now; at least some good is coming from my silly ranting, lol, may just cure insomnia yet!
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Holiday Update
Eh, why not? So, Happy Easter to whoever reads this (all 5 of you?), especially you, B, hope Hong Kong is being nice to you *pinches cheek*, lolol.
I tend to skip get-togethers on holidays not named Christmas and Thanksgiving, mainly because...
1). If there's more than 7 people other than myself present, I feel modestly overwhelmed. (Fact: I tend to be 30% more likely to do things, period, if left entirely by myself, including socializing, i.e. the internet.)
2). Pets, especially dogs and birds (pretty much anything that makes noise frequently) can really grate on me and I hate when non-humanoids invade my personal space.
3). At MOST holiday gatherings in East-Central PA, the food is so BORING. Well really because White European food itself bores me to tears. That and well, here's the general things offered, as an example:
-Ham (which I nearly never eat in any form excluding bacon at times)
-Broccoli covered in a crappy bacon dressing (except this "bacon", eww)
-Sweet potatoes (never eat them, I never liked the taste)
-Fruit salad (blegh, no)
-chocolate cake (I don't eat chocolate cake, as one may know, I prefer carrot)
-marshmallow peeps (I dun eat marshmallow either)
leaving me...
-corn on the cob
-some type of stuffing that appears to have potatoes mixed in (*commences eye-rolling*)
-white cake (...eh)
I can't eat the broccoli salad thing because of that dressing so like... all I'm getting is carbs and a starchy vegetable. Also, ham on Easter? Why not steak or duck or something other than HAM which you always make on Christmas anyway if you're of my family ethnicity? Augh.
Generally if I ever get in a committed relationship, I will seriously assert my preferences regarding something other than boring meat and fattening sides and boring as all get-out vegetables at my holiday meals. How am I supposed to come out of my shell with anyone if the food offers nothing I can't get at a diner in Jersey? (which some places thereat are scads better)
My "ideal" holiday menu would probably be more likely to feature:
-some variety of freshwater fish
-some variety of seafood
-an assortment of rice and pasta options
-some game meat (turkey, vension, goose, as examples) as the main protein
-at least two vegan/vegetarian entrees
-assorted sides/appetizers of salads, fried offerings, and quite possibly tacos
meaning that the biggest rules if you attend my residence on a holiday, BYOB and BYOD (bring your own booze--I don't drink, and bring your own dessert, I don't bake and all you'd likely find would be mints and tic tacs, frankly); lest whoever I end up with happens to be either a pastry chef or a wine connoisseur, then one of those conditions may verily vanish
Uh, how am I otherwise, you ask? (since this supposed to be an update, apparently) Egh, more or less the same. Still single (not that that ever matters, I mean, some people want to have sex with consenting couples which just bugs me on a personal level) and nothing much goes on with me. Besides the mediocre food that begs the question why I'm even overweight, since most stuff I get I would rather return, lol. I suppose that will have to suffice, internet.
I tend to skip get-togethers on holidays not named Christmas and Thanksgiving, mainly because...
1). If there's more than 7 people other than myself present, I feel modestly overwhelmed. (Fact: I tend to be 30% more likely to do things, period, if left entirely by myself, including socializing, i.e. the internet.)
2). Pets, especially dogs and birds (pretty much anything that makes noise frequently) can really grate on me and I hate when non-humanoids invade my personal space.
3). At MOST holiday gatherings in East-Central PA, the food is so BORING. Well really because White European food itself bores me to tears. That and well, here's the general things offered, as an example:
-Ham (which I nearly never eat in any form excluding bacon at times)
-Broccoli covered in a crappy bacon dressing (except this "bacon", eww)
-Sweet potatoes (never eat them, I never liked the taste)
-Fruit salad (blegh, no)
-chocolate cake (I don't eat chocolate cake, as one may know, I prefer carrot)
-marshmallow peeps (I dun eat marshmallow either)
leaving me...
-corn on the cob
-some type of stuffing that appears to have potatoes mixed in (*commences eye-rolling*)
-white cake (...eh)
I can't eat the broccoli salad thing because of that dressing so like... all I'm getting is carbs and a starchy vegetable. Also, ham on Easter? Why not steak or duck or something other than HAM which you always make on Christmas anyway if you're of my family ethnicity? Augh.
Generally if I ever get in a committed relationship, I will seriously assert my preferences regarding something other than boring meat and fattening sides and boring as all get-out vegetables at my holiday meals. How am I supposed to come out of my shell with anyone if the food offers nothing I can't get at a diner in Jersey? (which some places thereat are scads better)
My "ideal" holiday menu would probably be more likely to feature:
-some variety of freshwater fish
-some variety of seafood
-an assortment of rice and pasta options
-some game meat (turkey, vension, goose, as examples) as the main protein
-at least two vegan/vegetarian entrees
-assorted sides/appetizers of salads, fried offerings, and quite possibly tacos
meaning that the biggest rules if you attend my residence on a holiday, BYOB and BYOD (bring your own booze--I don't drink, and bring your own dessert, I don't bake and all you'd likely find would be mints and tic tacs, frankly); lest whoever I end up with happens to be either a pastry chef or a wine connoisseur, then one of those conditions may verily vanish
Uh, how am I otherwise, you ask? (since this supposed to be an update, apparently) Egh, more or less the same. Still single (not that that ever matters, I mean, some people want to have sex with consenting couples which just bugs me on a personal level) and nothing much goes on with me. Besides the mediocre food that begs the question why I'm even overweight, since most stuff I get I would rather return, lol. I suppose that will have to suffice, internet.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Internal Conflicts
Ominous post title is ominous, ooooo~.
I could seriously groan about some things though. Welp, so I'm single again. Not that that's a large surprise given my personal rapport but... its still mildly depressing. Oh well, I felt my connection to him fading about a month ago anyway and a week or more ago, the little scrod declares himself single and to "hit me up" in an update. Don't even bother trying to talk to the guy who would stick buy you so long as it was what you desired, just declare yourself open for business. No offense, but its just a little cheap. Do you even respect yourself? Did you even think, "hey, he's not talking much, maybe he thinks I'm busy or maybe, idk, he wants me to grab his attention with a simple, 'hi' once within 168 hours?" Honestly, I have my doubts, but I will not deny you making your own decisions. It's more than you've actively given me in months. I handed you my undivided devotion for 7, se-ven, months. I know I can't do much but I would have given you the moon if it were even possible. It's your loss.
I want to say that, but really, I don't feel I deserve to. I know how imperfect I am that it seriously hurts. My own mother just didn't care enough about me growing up. I have no father and my grandfather has lost his patience with my eons ago and we argue too easily over petty things. I do not envy my home life in the slightest.
I try very hard to be positive and kind to other people but it feels increasingly difficult lately. One acquaintance barely speaks to me. The one who speaks to me most actively has been in a series of odd extremes of interest and apathy lately that when I try to share things I'm happy to do so (in the act of share, discuss, etc.) I feel like I'm doing them more harm than good. It doesn't help they've felt slightly abused in their closest relationship outside myself (relatively speaking, this may not be fully accurate). One acquaintance I have to practically berate just to get them to talk to me like a normal human being with due respect and I feel like I lecture them a lot over things I shouldn't need to. And the last one, I have even less patience with and they are under the impression I'm always mean and tight wound with everyone ever.
Well, being single I guess lets me mingle. If you can even call it that. One person I do like, a lot. I genuinely want to know them better but its hard for me to say that straight out. I know they've also had a lot of bad luck (this is a person whose "first time" occurred when they were barely a teenager and could be described as non-consensual by some accounts) with relationships that they are likely more hesitant than ME at trying again. My timing appears to just really blow right now. Regardless of how they respond, I won't press them too much regardless. It's someone I really want to do right by (and I've been trying to do so each time aforehand as well) so its okay if he doesn't want to try Skype-ing me or whatnot. I just want to spend time with him because I have liked him for a long time already. I have more or less implied I certainly "like" him but well, you know, he may not think I "like him, like him", for some reason. I hope I haven't done anything to offend him or if there's something about me that somehow repulses him that I'm unaware of. One can hope.
Sometimes I also feel confused about my sexual identity. Not as far as whether I'm gay or not (still pretty certainly am) but regarding my "position" and stuff. I would like to top, but some people have given me the impression that a person isn't gay unless they've had butt sex and were receiving it (as a male). Yes I believe this is bull (because girls can plug their straight mates' arses with a dildo if it so fancies them to be perfectly frank) but SOME people act snobbish towards others just because they feel because they have experience it gives them the right to levy the, "but how do you know!? you haven't done it" card. And that is just rude, okay. Maybe I don't want to take it because I don't WANT TO, I certainly don't need to have any sex, okay? I at least deserve to have my first time be how I want because most of the time I'm too focused on what everyone else wants and when they leave me I feel that I failed to be of any worth to them! I failed to make them happy, to make them unable to find their way out of sorrow, to realize they could be happy with me. So excuse me if I want to top a person once in my life because I like to GIVE more than RECEIVE in every sense of the word. I'm so shy about my body because my family never supports me in anything and my grandfather puts me down all the time, insisting I go on extreme crash diets like its perfectly normal. And I don't care about being attractive. I want to be desired for things other than my appearance. .-. But according to my family, "no one will want to be with you (me) because of how you look and you never do anything". Yep.
The latter point is total bull. I do plenty, at times I feel I'm doing too much. I just don't have drive to do certain things like drive a vehicle, or work out, or "socialize" (hah, what a joke, like I'm going to drive 30 minutes to even get towards civilization and come home just to say I did something with people, the people that close are mostly boring as dirt anyway). Not for just myself. For another... maybe. It's easier. If they at least talk to me enough and sincerely want it themself. All you really need to say is, "I want it for you because... it's you," and if I know myself and have gotten to know you, I'll probably believe you then. And it will be enough. You (to my future lover) are enough.
'Til next time, readers.
I could seriously groan about some things though. Welp, so I'm single again. Not that that's a large surprise given my personal rapport but... its still mildly depressing. Oh well, I felt my connection to him fading about a month ago anyway and a week or more ago, the little scrod declares himself single and to "hit me up" in an update. Don't even bother trying to talk to the guy who would stick buy you so long as it was what you desired, just declare yourself open for business. No offense, but its just a little cheap. Do you even respect yourself? Did you even think, "hey, he's not talking much, maybe he thinks I'm busy or maybe, idk, he wants me to grab his attention with a simple, 'hi' once within 168 hours?" Honestly, I have my doubts, but I will not deny you making your own decisions. It's more than you've actively given me in months. I handed you my undivided devotion for 7, se-ven, months. I know I can't do much but I would have given you the moon if it were even possible. It's your loss.
I want to say that, but really, I don't feel I deserve to. I know how imperfect I am that it seriously hurts. My own mother just didn't care enough about me growing up. I have no father and my grandfather has lost his patience with my eons ago and we argue too easily over petty things. I do not envy my home life in the slightest.
I try very hard to be positive and kind to other people but it feels increasingly difficult lately. One acquaintance barely speaks to me. The one who speaks to me most actively has been in a series of odd extremes of interest and apathy lately that when I try to share things I'm happy to do so (in the act of share, discuss, etc.) I feel like I'm doing them more harm than good. It doesn't help they've felt slightly abused in their closest relationship outside myself (relatively speaking, this may not be fully accurate). One acquaintance I have to practically berate just to get them to talk to me like a normal human being with due respect and I feel like I lecture them a lot over things I shouldn't need to. And the last one, I have even less patience with and they are under the impression I'm always mean and tight wound with everyone ever.
Well, being single I guess lets me mingle. If you can even call it that. One person I do like, a lot. I genuinely want to know them better but its hard for me to say that straight out. I know they've also had a lot of bad luck (this is a person whose "first time" occurred when they were barely a teenager and could be described as non-consensual by some accounts) with relationships that they are likely more hesitant than ME at trying again. My timing appears to just really blow right now. Regardless of how they respond, I won't press them too much regardless. It's someone I really want to do right by (and I've been trying to do so each time aforehand as well) so its okay if he doesn't want to try Skype-ing me or whatnot. I just want to spend time with him because I have liked him for a long time already. I have more or less implied I certainly "like" him but well, you know, he may not think I "like him, like him", for some reason. I hope I haven't done anything to offend him or if there's something about me that somehow repulses him that I'm unaware of. One can hope.
Sometimes I also feel confused about my sexual identity. Not as far as whether I'm gay or not (still pretty certainly am) but regarding my "position" and stuff. I would like to top, but some people have given me the impression that a person isn't gay unless they've had butt sex and were receiving it (as a male). Yes I believe this is bull (because girls can plug their straight mates' arses with a dildo if it so fancies them to be perfectly frank) but SOME people act snobbish towards others just because they feel because they have experience it gives them the right to levy the, "but how do you know!? you haven't done it" card. And that is just rude, okay. Maybe I don't want to take it because I don't WANT TO, I certainly don't need to have any sex, okay? I at least deserve to have my first time be how I want because most of the time I'm too focused on what everyone else wants and when they leave me I feel that I failed to be of any worth to them! I failed to make them happy, to make them unable to find their way out of sorrow, to realize they could be happy with me. So excuse me if I want to top a person once in my life because I like to GIVE more than RECEIVE in every sense of the word. I'm so shy about my body because my family never supports me in anything and my grandfather puts me down all the time, insisting I go on extreme crash diets like its perfectly normal. And I don't care about being attractive. I want to be desired for things other than my appearance. .-. But according to my family, "no one will want to be with you (me) because of how you look and you never do anything". Yep.
The latter point is total bull. I do plenty, at times I feel I'm doing too much. I just don't have drive to do certain things like drive a vehicle, or work out, or "socialize" (hah, what a joke, like I'm going to drive 30 minutes to even get towards civilization and come home just to say I did something with people, the people that close are mostly boring as dirt anyway). Not for just myself. For another... maybe. It's easier. If they at least talk to me enough and sincerely want it themself. All you really need to say is, "I want it for you because... it's you," and if I know myself and have gotten to know you, I'll probably believe you then. And it will be enough. You (to my future lover) are enough.
'Til next time, readers.
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