Well, at least I usually don't. I don't think I'm very poetic or very good at them. I like free verse. I hate structure and being told what to do. But sometimes I come up with a cheesy rhyme when I'm not really trying. Today I did manage to think of one, though.
(no title)
Would you let me sing
in order to bring
an end to everything, dear?
All of the pain
that constantly strains
upon your heart, dear?
Yet, 'tween all the rain
waits something to gain;
can you see--it's me, dear?
>_> Well, it's um... not too specific I guess. *shrug* I mean I think anyone could relate to it somewhat and it's sorta original, I think. I don't know, too many things are already done and copyrighted and blah blah blah. So, meh... I don't even understand why I sound so... gloomy? Whiny? Bah... Poems are dumb. And I can't even get myself to write stories much because they often end up angst-ridden, crazy sex pieces. Or something. I guess I should expect this from never being laid, ehhh. *shrug*
SH2
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
In which I respond to someone's tumblr thingamabob~
Have you ever...?
- 1. Taken a picture naked
- 2. Painted your room?
- 3. Kissed a member of the same sex?
- 4. Drove a car?
- 5. Danced in front of your mirror?
- 6. Had a crush?
- 7. Been dumped?
- 8. Stole money from a friend?
- 9. Gotten in a car with people you just met?
- 10. Been in a fist fight?
- 11. Sneaked out of your house?
- 12. Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
- 13. Been arrested?
- 14. Made out with a stranger?
- 15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?
- 16. Left your house without telling your parents?
- 17. Had a crush on your neighbor?
- 18. Ditched school to do something more fun?
- 19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?
- 20. Seen someone die?
- 21. Been on a plane?
- 22. Kissed a picture?
- 23. Slept in until 3 PM?
- 24. Love someone or miss someone right now?
- 25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
- 26. Made a snow angel?
- 27. Played dress up?
- 28. Cheated while playing a game?
- 29. Been lonely?
- 30. Fallen asleep at work/school?
- 31. Been to a club?
- 32. Felt an earthquake?
- 33. Touched a snake?
- 34. Ran a red light?
- 35. Been suspended from school?
- 36. Had detention?
- 37. Been in a car accident?
- 38. Hated the way you look?
- 39. Witnessed a crime?
- 40. Pole danced?
- 41. Been lost?
- 42. Been to the opposite side of the country?
- 43. Felt like dying?
- 44. Cried yourself to sleep?
- 45. Sang karaoke?
- 46. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
- 47. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
- 48. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
- 49. Kissed in the rain?
- 50. Sang in the shower?
- 51. Made out in a park?
- 52. Dream that you married someone?
- 53. Glued your hand to something?
- 54. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?
- 55. Ever gone to school partially naked?
- 56. Been a cheerleader?
- 57. Sat on a roof top?
- 58. Brushed your teeth?
- 59. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?
- 60. Played chicken?
- 61. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
- 62. Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?
- 63. Broken a bone?
- 64. Been easily amused?
- 65. Laughed so hard you cried?
- 66. Mooned/flashed someone?
- 67. Cheated on a test?
- 68. Forgotten someone’s name?
- 69. Slept naked?
1. Yes, I do this at random and usually delete them right away (via my webcam).
2. Nope, I consider it work and I dislike most work to be honest...
3. Obviously... (that means yes).
4. Nope. Just go carts once, apparently rather badly.
5. Probably.
6. Define "crush".
7. Yep.
8. No.
9. Define "just met". (Technically, yes.)
10. I don't think so.
11. Actually I have sneaked back into my house, haha.
12. I believe so.
13. No.
14. No.
15. Yep. And I'm counting this as in order to date or hang, just so you know.
16. Technically. (Does it count if your parent isn't home usually anyway?)
17. Nope.
18. No. When I didn't go to school I stayed home.
19. Define "slept with". (Technically, yes.)
20. Never in person.
21. Yes.
22. Yep.
23. Yep.
24. Indeed.
25. Maybe, I don't remember precisely.
26. Yes.
27. Technically.
28. No.
29. Often.
30. Once, I think.
31. Nope.
32. Nope.
33. Yes.
34. Since I don't drive, no. (but have my drivers that I rode with? yes)
35. Yes.
36. A lot more than you'd think.
37. Yes.
38. Define "hated". (Probably.)
39. No.
40. No.
41. No. I've been with people who got themselves lost though.
42. Nope.
43. Not quite.
44. Yes.
45. Not exactly. I sing a capella frequently though.
46. I don't think so.
47. Yes.
48. No.
49. Define "in the rain." (I kissed outside while it was raining once and had moved under cover *shrug*).
50. Yes.
51. No.
52. Not quite.
53. No.
54. Nope.
55. No.
56. Define "been". (sort of)
57. No.
58. I would hope so... (what sort of question is this? Should ask if I've gone a week w/o brushing, which I have~.)
59. Yep.
60. No.
61. No. (and death to those that try... *ahem*)
62. Yes.
63. No.
64. Told I was by others. *shrugs*
65. Yes.
66. No.
67. Once.
68. Not usually. (perhaps)
69. Not very often.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
The Time Has Come, the Walrus Said...
To talk of many things.
I should know what that's from, but I don't remember. Well, it's referenced in two of the Alice in Wonderland movies (though not that recent thing by... Tim Burton, was it?). Anyway, I guess I do feel like talking or whatever.
Here's a quick reference list for the most important people of my recent life. I don't have any ladies on the list so idk, that feels weird. Naturally I will abbreviate in all instances for privacy reason (idk, I don't like to drop names much in conversation, too much to remember).
B1
B1 is a guy I talk to almost every day. He lives some place in Florida, though he lived several years before in Massachusetts. I probably could just drop the shorthand of his 'net name easily but bah, effort. We get along fine, as much as two guys can in a platonic relationship. I don't really want to sleep with him anyway, lol, I don't like him that way, asides, he's quite straight. I'm about his only male friend on the internet, he mostly speaks to women.
CS
CS was... very special. Maybe a little suicidal but a really funny, sweet kid when I knew him. It's odd that I often think of him as the guy I'd most want to date again, of the people I've made emotional investments with. Well, he'd probably think it odd of me. I'd really like to hear from him again.
CN
CN is a new contact. This isn't really a "VIP" list, but more about the people that occupy my mind a lot and aren't family. I really like him (well, I like most of what I know about him) and I wanted to talk to him since late October. Because I think we have a good deal in common. We both like seafood and probably have several other overlapping interests besides our sexual interests (by which we'd be compatible and that's always a nice thing). I don't really know his family name and haven't asked him too many personal things yet. He's often busy; he works as a teacher's aide, which I think is really cool.
JB
JB kinda vanished lately. I have no idea what the hell he's doing and why doesn't he even call me? I'm kinda mad at his lack of communication consistency. Whatever, he can go die and likely will at the destructive way he lives his life. Smoking and other crap he just doesn't need, let alone should damn well know not to do. Of course I don't really hate him or anything, he just bugs me. He was the third guy I dated.
JD
JD was the first guy I ever fully felt in love with at some point. He's artistic and surprisingly sensitive for a delinquent and huge arse flirt. You can imagine it didn't work. But I like him, when I'm not thinking about beating him overhead with a book, lol.
RF
RF lives in Canada and he's a nice kid. We basically flirted a little with each other but then he dated JB for a while (I had also dated JB and he broke up with me really close to my birthday, the stupid biatch, lol). They're not together anymore and that's probably for the best, too. They're much longer distance than anything I've been involved with already.
RY
RY, haha, your initials make a common shorthand of my given name. Well, he's a newer friend. He's weird in some ways but I think he's pretty decent. When he's not doing stupid things, at least. None too long ago, he moved in with his bro and is actually in my home state. Which is nice I guess but he whines a lot about me living 4+ hours away, talks like it's 1000 miles. What a child. I don't know about him most of the time, I don't know whether to really like or dislike him *shrug*.
T1
T1 is another friend I frequently talk to. We briefly entertained the ideas of us dating. Though we got along well, he didn't feel like he fit me well enough. And stuff. So we're just friends now and we talk the second most often, compared to B1.
TW
TW lives in the UK and we talk at times. More openly than most, oddly enough. I think its strange that my straight friends are the ones that appear most willing and amicable to talk to me. Fags need to speak up or something, maybe I just go for quiet types? *shrug*
W1
W1, I've known him for a few years but we don't talk too much. We talked recently though and he's okay. He and RY have had quite a bit of sex in their lives thus far, more or less. They're opposites though and RY more than likely wouldn't go for W1, and thank god for that. I don't like the idea of my friends hooking up. I rather they date other people and be happy. I don't really want their problems to overlap and me ever being forced to pick sides, no thank you.
That'll do for now. o.0 Looking at it makes me feel weird, I talk to more people than I expect, but it's not really that many anyway. And I probably omitted a small handful of people that I just don't care enough to include. Or don't want to bring up because of some guilt. Yep.
Grandfather still picks at me just for eating. At least it's not so bad this morning. I don't like waiting for 5 hours or more between "meals" (I'm often still hungry when he tries to portion my food) and really, he'd just want me to eat like two pizza slices and then drink water for the rest of the day. AND he'd still bitch then about pizza being "no good". Impossible to please. Too much pressure to be successful and stuff, explains why I flounder so much when I try to do anything. I don't get the support I really want from... anyone. Well, not counting some of those guys above but even then, none of them have really spent time with me in person, at least not yet anyway. He'll only look baffled and actually gets on my case to eat if I actually try to skip meals. What a hypocrite. I wanted to smack him for telling me to eat a FRIED bologna sandwich yesterday. Really!? REALLY!? After you scream at me countless times for drinking sodas? Calling kettles black aren't you, you dumb pot? *sigh*
He wants me to call my mom, hell, my grandmother suggested I even ask her, "Mom, why you want nothing to do to me? What I ever do to you?" I should ask. But I won't. I don't really care enough to talk to her anymore. Let her talk to me if she finally decides I'm important enough to remember. She hasn't called in months, naturally. Not me anyway. She calls my grandmother sometimes. Oh sure, talk to the uber religious matron who'd sooner disown you for your personal relationships within the past dozen years, but not to your first-born (and only) son. Airhead.
I'm at least feeling calm at present. No tears, shakes or even wanting to shout beyond the few caps-locked instances above. Re-reading California Diaries helps, I think. I really relate to Maggie and Ducky, even Sunny in some ways. Not my most favorite book but probably my favorite series. It's up there with The Wildflowers, definitely. I don't really feel like saying too much else now though, it's always a bit too much than what I can get around to putting down in text. Thank you few people for reading, though. Be seein' yous.
I should know what that's from, but I don't remember. Well, it's referenced in two of the Alice in Wonderland movies (though not that recent thing by... Tim Burton, was it?). Anyway, I guess I do feel like talking or whatever.
Here's a quick reference list for the most important people of my recent life. I don't have any ladies on the list so idk, that feels weird. Naturally I will abbreviate in all instances for privacy reason (idk, I don't like to drop names much in conversation, too much to remember).
B1
B1 is a guy I talk to almost every day. He lives some place in Florida, though he lived several years before in Massachusetts. I probably could just drop the shorthand of his 'net name easily but bah, effort. We get along fine, as much as two guys can in a platonic relationship. I don't really want to sleep with him anyway, lol, I don't like him that way, asides, he's quite straight. I'm about his only male friend on the internet, he mostly speaks to women.
CS
CS was... very special. Maybe a little suicidal but a really funny, sweet kid when I knew him. It's odd that I often think of him as the guy I'd most want to date again, of the people I've made emotional investments with. Well, he'd probably think it odd of me. I'd really like to hear from him again.
CN
CN is a new contact. This isn't really a "VIP" list, but more about the people that occupy my mind a lot and aren't family. I really like him (well, I like most of what I know about him) and I wanted to talk to him since late October. Because I think we have a good deal in common. We both like seafood and probably have several other overlapping interests besides our sexual interests (by which we'd be compatible and that's always a nice thing). I don't really know his family name and haven't asked him too many personal things yet. He's often busy; he works as a teacher's aide, which I think is really cool.
JB
JB kinda vanished lately. I have no idea what the hell he's doing and why doesn't he even call me? I'm kinda mad at his lack of communication consistency. Whatever, he can go die and likely will at the destructive way he lives his life. Smoking and other crap he just doesn't need, let alone should damn well know not to do. Of course I don't really hate him or anything, he just bugs me. He was the third guy I dated.
JD
JD was the first guy I ever fully felt in love with at some point. He's artistic and surprisingly sensitive for a delinquent and huge arse flirt. You can imagine it didn't work. But I like him, when I'm not thinking about beating him overhead with a book, lol.
RF
RF lives in Canada and he's a nice kid. We basically flirted a little with each other but then he dated JB for a while (I had also dated JB and he broke up with me really close to my birthday, the stupid biatch, lol). They're not together anymore and that's probably for the best, too. They're much longer distance than anything I've been involved with already.
RY
RY, haha, your initials make a common shorthand of my given name. Well, he's a newer friend. He's weird in some ways but I think he's pretty decent. When he's not doing stupid things, at least. None too long ago, he moved in with his bro and is actually in my home state. Which is nice I guess but he whines a lot about me living 4+ hours away, talks like it's 1000 miles. What a child. I don't know about him most of the time, I don't know whether to really like or dislike him *shrug*.
T1
T1 is another friend I frequently talk to. We briefly entertained the ideas of us dating. Though we got along well, he didn't feel like he fit me well enough. And stuff. So we're just friends now and we talk the second most often, compared to B1.
TW
TW lives in the UK and we talk at times. More openly than most, oddly enough. I think its strange that my straight friends are the ones that appear most willing and amicable to talk to me. Fags need to speak up or something, maybe I just go for quiet types? *shrug*
W1
W1, I've known him for a few years but we don't talk too much. We talked recently though and he's okay. He and RY have had quite a bit of sex in their lives thus far, more or less. They're opposites though and RY more than likely wouldn't go for W1, and thank god for that. I don't like the idea of my friends hooking up. I rather they date other people and be happy. I don't really want their problems to overlap and me ever being forced to pick sides, no thank you.
That'll do for now. o.0 Looking at it makes me feel weird, I talk to more people than I expect, but it's not really that many anyway. And I probably omitted a small handful of people that I just don't care enough to include. Or don't want to bring up because of some guilt. Yep.
Grandfather still picks at me just for eating. At least it's not so bad this morning. I don't like waiting for 5 hours or more between "meals" (I'm often still hungry when he tries to portion my food) and really, he'd just want me to eat like two pizza slices and then drink water for the rest of the day. AND he'd still bitch then about pizza being "no good". Impossible to please. Too much pressure to be successful and stuff, explains why I flounder so much when I try to do anything. I don't get the support I really want from... anyone. Well, not counting some of those guys above but even then, none of them have really spent time with me in person, at least not yet anyway. He'll only look baffled and actually gets on my case to eat if I actually try to skip meals. What a hypocrite. I wanted to smack him for telling me to eat a FRIED bologna sandwich yesterday. Really!? REALLY!? After you scream at me countless times for drinking sodas? Calling kettles black aren't you, you dumb pot? *sigh*
He wants me to call my mom, hell, my grandmother suggested I even ask her, "Mom, why you want nothing to do to me? What I ever do to you?" I should ask. But I won't. I don't really care enough to talk to her anymore. Let her talk to me if she finally decides I'm important enough to remember. She hasn't called in months, naturally. Not me anyway. She calls my grandmother sometimes. Oh sure, talk to the uber religious matron who'd sooner disown you for your personal relationships within the past dozen years, but not to your first-born (and only) son. Airhead.
I'm at least feeling calm at present. No tears, shakes or even wanting to shout beyond the few caps-locked instances above. Re-reading California Diaries helps, I think. I really relate to Maggie and Ducky, even Sunny in some ways. Not my most favorite book but probably my favorite series. It's up there with The Wildflowers, definitely. I don't really feel like saying too much else now though, it's always a bit too much than what I can get around to putting down in text. Thank you few people for reading, though. Be seein' yous.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
My Personality in Pokemon
This'll be an image-heavy post. Well, sort of. I don't put that many images in anything in particular so...
Anyway, I was browsing a blog earlier recommended by a random poster on a forum. http://pokemon-personalities.tumblr.com/tagged/pp -- well it's not really a blog as more of an interest gallery pertaining to what things the creator (some girl) sees in people's favorite pokemon. Most of my favorites do suit my personality and well, I have no problems in analyzing the ones she's done that are indeed the pokemon I favor.
I love Psyduck; it was an episode featuring Misty's Psyduck that was the first I ever saw of Pokemon as a child and it's definitely my favorite character in the anime (her Psyduck). I wonder if my "off sense of timing" refers to the fact that I keep no schedules or if it also applies to whenever I try to talk to people, hmmm.... Well I doubt as to whether I can say I trust my blog readers because no one ever comments, lol! It's true though, that I'm not always as I seem. I think I usually seem really happy and/or intelligent but I don't think I'm really as smart as I can seem while talking. I don't like to be too moody though, so I usually just focus on the positive or humorous aspects I find when talking to people. Unless they offend me, which is kinda easy to do (sensitivity = short fuse; in my case). I wish I weren't so clumsy--I'm always bumping into the ends of objects; often chairs or boxes or anything with a point~. I do indeed do things my own way. I hate following other's directions and just try it my way first; even if I fail, I am happier if I did it the way I wanted to *nod*.
My overall favorite pokemon in the games is Hypno. Gen I Hypno is so boss. But it (nor Drowzee) hasn't been covered yet, so my favorite starting pokemon, instead, is...
My "easy to offend" statement from just above really drives home that last sentence for Squirtle lovers. If anyone dishonors my friends or family, it's very hard to improve my lowered opinion of them. There's just some things you DON'T joke about around me but I think most people get this anyway. I certainly do spend a lot of time talking to B and T on a daily basis (them being my closest internet friends) but I'm still trying to make newer friends and still looking for that special someone~. I guess I do rebel a little; mostly if I think the rules are too exclusive, in general. Are you aware that my grandfather gets ruffled when I say I'm talking to guys, even when I firmly state they are just friends? Apparently if a gender queer, anti-social youth has any friends that are male, those friends are automatically gay or bi if they're not women. Such ridiculousness I have to endure, I say... *sigh*
Not easily influenced... so, you admit I'm a stubborn ass, random person! xD Asides clueless fucks who dare to joke about my family or tell lies about me or my friends, I think the last reason that turns me off of people is shallow morons who dare call anyone ugly. In fact, I hate all labels and stereotypes. Labels are for inanimate objects so we know what to eat and what not to eat--not for people! Why does a person have to be called chubby? Do you know how broad that term is used? I find half of the time, that people use it to refer to people that simply appear the slightest bit overweight and then also used to apply to people that should be bed-ridden because they're so overweight they nearly cripple their self. But what irks me most is when people outright call me this before they even get to know me, just because I appear fat. Just because I am overweight does not mean you have to put me in some stupid filing system in your stupid brain! I am still a person and want no special treatment brought on by something as shallow as my body shape. Bastards.
So much truth here... I'm a little embarrassed, to be honest. I know I take many, many things seriously and it almost alienates me at times from people in my age group. I'm more attracted to youthful persons, too; because they aren't as bogged down from life's hardships and well, I hope that since I understand pain and loneliness so well that it will, somehow, make it easier when those bright and energetic people I want to be close to, make it easier for them to endure tough times as I have. And miraculously, without breaking. Well, I'm a little cracked I guess, it shows in my loopy nature when I talk to people time and again. But I still want or would be fine with having children and rearing them, even though my mom was such an airhead, lol.
Hmm, well that was less than I thought. Anyway, those are indeed my favorite pokemon/species and yeah, I'd say they all fit me to a reasonable degree. Nothing's set in stone anyway. Later~.
Anyway, I was browsing a blog earlier recommended by a random poster on a forum. http://pokemon-personalities.tumblr.com/tagged/pp -- well it's not really a blog as more of an interest gallery pertaining to what things the creator (some girl) sees in people's favorite pokemon. Most of my favorites do suit my personality and well, I have no problems in analyzing the ones she's done that are indeed the pokemon I favor.
My overall favorite pokemon in the games is Hypno. Gen I Hypno is so boss. But it (nor Drowzee) hasn't been covered yet, so my favorite starting pokemon, instead, is...
Hmm, well that was less than I thought. Anyway, those are indeed my favorite pokemon/species and yeah, I'd say they all fit me to a reasonable degree. Nothing's set in stone anyway. Later~.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Update~
A perfect title if there ever was one *nods in self-agreement*. It's not like anyone really reads this blog that closely (... as far as I know...) but even so, I can at least sort my thoughts a bit.
I just watched the Nick News special for this year's, "Kids pick the President". Well, they don't always refer to it as Nick News anymore but its been on for over a decade with various events condensed and presented amicably for a young audience with Linda Ellerby (dunno if I'm spelling her name correctly) and I always appreciated it... my god the actual news programs are so borrrring that I really need a simplified version just to absorb most stuff. Anywho, that pretty much introduced me to Romney now; if you asked me before today if I knew anything about the Republican candidate, my response would have had to have been, "*shrug* not really?" He's a decent guy I suppose but I couldn't bring myself to agree with his stance on same-sex marriage. I don't vote anyway, but I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't vote for him. I would like to be married but I don't have to be. It's just that... who do I have to leave things to if I die? If I'm not married, are you aware that I can't leave anything to my partner by law? What happens to my possessions then? See my point... it pretty much undermines the contributions homosexual people can make to society when they can't even let their partners keep a house if it was owned by the deceased. If I die before my lover, I don't want my lover to lose anything else because I would think the loss of me would be pretty darn difficult already on its own. But the (present) law says I can't legally declare person_x_ gets my stuff unless they're a blood relative or they're married to me, else I can leave it to charity or else I have no flying clue, I think the government is supposed to come in and seize any land or properties and do w/e they decree with it. That makes dieing harder than living, at least to me it does, ehehe~.
Oh, it's not like people want my shit anyway. I technically have nothing because I can tell you what all I've ever bought with money that legally belongs to me--bought food, ate it, and now it's gone. I own nothing because everything is stuff my family bought. I never worked nor turned a paycheck. I pretty much don't even exist as citizen yet because I'm unemployed and yeah, haven't been doing anything. Oh I've been trying to get work though. Applied for a job or two, interviewed, but nope, nada. I do want to work. I don't want to drive (a vehicle) though. That's most of my dilemma, I suppose. My goal is to get a relationship with someone who can at least have the patience and spine to teach me to drive. Because I really don't want to, I really don't. That said, if one can convince me otherwise, y'know, I think they'd be worth keeping around. I mean if you really believe in and want to see me do something I hate that much because you realize I more-or-less need to do it, well you're more stubborn than me. And I can respect you for it, because this is pretty much the one thing I will always bitch about if it ever comes up. I hate driving, cars, everything related to transportation. I'd rather walk and I'm quite out of shape. Does not compute, does it? I know.
I don't like to argue though. But my god, I need you (you as in any would-be lovers out there) to have your act in gear. Have some job, even if its the blandest janitorial job out there (just an example, I really can't think of anyone that truly enjoys cleaning for a living). And have a car and be able to get yourself around. I ain't asking you to chauffeur me around at all, but I really can't wrap my head around getting myself places. So... I need you to want to meet me halfway. Do what others haven't and actually drive up to my door and knock. And don't run away after 2 minutes like a f-ing goof. I never expect company and I hate answering the door (recently I've done so in nothing but my boxers... what? I'm lazy, bitch) as it were. That said, I still am like one of the nicest people that I even know in all my 23 years of cognizance. I can't even begin to tell you how truly happy I'd be if someone did this, as it feels somewhat baffling to even request... why? Because it pretty much appears to me that sane people are incapable of doing this. I suppose I'm just crazy for hoping for it, eh? But if it did occur, then I believe that that crazy person could be just crazy enough to be mine to love. Perhaps.
Well, right now there's pretty much three people I could maybe end up in a relationship with (as to how successful any one would be, well...). I will now summarize my general positive and negative opinions about each candidate (if you care, or not, all are male).
Person A
+I've watched this person for the greater part of a year (by watch, I mean that I've followed most, though not, of their status updates on a facebook-ish website; but not actual Fbook because f*ck that noise~)
+so I know them fairly well and feel like they're a good fit for me (they're funny, employed, and close in age, all things I really want, not to mention... very gay)
-but I haven't really talked to them much at all, the one time I tried was several months ago and they laughed at me because I started complimenting them and openly declared I kinda liked them (*sigh*)
-they also (appear to) live in TX... I'm not a fan of Texas (it's too hot of a climate) and ugh... the thought of the state brings up mom issues for me (*deeper sigh*)
-and I'm worried they won't accept me because I'm not a bottom but I want to be with him and he's a (rather lewd) top
I mean it's important to me to consider if I can have sex with a person or not. I'm 23 and a virgin... and at times I feel like I'm the only person currently above the age of 20 that has not done anything sexual with anyone for their entire life. I don't want to be anally penetrated and I will not bend (lol) on this point for some time. You know there are other ways to get off than by pretending you're some straight ninny. (But no offense to all you straight ninnies that are in loving relationships and choose to have normal vaginal (or anal) sex). It's just... okay you're a man who likes men. So why do you have to stick it in his ass to show you love him that way? Why can't you just rub your sticks together... might start a fire, eh? P; But really, be more open minded... I've had a submissive friend who feels very similar to me. But they're actually submissive so them saying, "don't stick me," is obviously more jarring to some, I'm sure.
Victim B
+we've talked, on-and-off again since last February
+he approached me first, and replied favorably when I did pitch the possible idea of us dating at some point
-he hasn't really expressed much desire to see me, not as much as I've been almost begging to see him
-he's kinda bi-polar, one moment he is just fine and seems happy but then the next he breaks down and pushes me away over mistakes he makes over a month prior
-he goes for weeks, sometimes months, without speaking to me and this irks me to no end...
+if he would just open up and fucking say he wants me at times when I'm really wanting to hear it, I could forgive almost all of his flaws, but nope...
Why do you make it so difficult for me? Why can't you just say, "at least you're here" and tell me that you missed me... why can't I make you not feel so scared and worried over things? You make me feel so close yet so far... and I hate this duplicity. Not you, I just can't agree with your choice to avoid me when you so clearly need me to some extent. Stupid...
Exhibit C
+omg, so attractive
+I met him over two years ago
-but I still don't fully understand him
-I worry, being that this one has indeed had a lot of sex already, I worry that every time I try to approach him as a normal person that he feels inadequate, dirty because he's a little loose
+he is the closest person at present in terms of how far apart we are (physically)
+we share the most interests from what I can tell (mostly, this is in regards to video games)
-is he shy or what? getting him to talk to me feels like pulling teeth (and he's supposed to be an Aries... aren't fire types like not shy at all? I'm so often confused...)
I believe I've made it clear in several of my posts on here that I'm not thinking much about sex. Okay sure, I want it. If I'm dating someone for a month or so and they ask me to do them, I could see myself being ready to. The thing is... I haven't ever really been on a true date. And I want that so, soooo much. Simple dinner, movie, cuddling, gah, everything dammit! I only ask that you excuse my anger because being so deprived, left to feel so inadequate because my family picks at my appearance so damned much, (grandfather-weight, grandmother-hair and cleanliness, mother-weight again and if I try to talk to her about dating a guy I get a broken-record "use protection" mini-rant) well it makes it hard to talk about these things without wanting to drive my cranium through the nearest wall... *sigh*. Somewhat relieving to put to down, I guess. Later...
I just watched the Nick News special for this year's, "Kids pick the President". Well, they don't always refer to it as Nick News anymore but its been on for over a decade with various events condensed and presented amicably for a young audience with Linda Ellerby (dunno if I'm spelling her name correctly) and I always appreciated it... my god the actual news programs are so borrrring that I really need a simplified version just to absorb most stuff. Anywho, that pretty much introduced me to Romney now; if you asked me before today if I knew anything about the Republican candidate, my response would have had to have been, "*shrug* not really?" He's a decent guy I suppose but I couldn't bring myself to agree with his stance on same-sex marriage. I don't vote anyway, but I can honestly say that I probably wouldn't vote for him. I would like to be married but I don't have to be. It's just that... who do I have to leave things to if I die? If I'm not married, are you aware that I can't leave anything to my partner by law? What happens to my possessions then? See my point... it pretty much undermines the contributions homosexual people can make to society when they can't even let their partners keep a house if it was owned by the deceased. If I die before my lover, I don't want my lover to lose anything else because I would think the loss of me would be pretty darn difficult already on its own. But the (present) law says I can't legally declare person_x_ gets my stuff unless they're a blood relative or they're married to me, else I can leave it to charity or else I have no flying clue, I think the government is supposed to come in and seize any land or properties and do w/e they decree with it. That makes dieing harder than living, at least to me it does, ehehe~.
Oh, it's not like people want my shit anyway. I technically have nothing because I can tell you what all I've ever bought with money that legally belongs to me--bought food, ate it, and now it's gone. I own nothing because everything is stuff my family bought. I never worked nor turned a paycheck. I pretty much don't even exist as citizen yet because I'm unemployed and yeah, haven't been doing anything. Oh I've been trying to get work though. Applied for a job or two, interviewed, but nope, nada. I do want to work. I don't want to drive (a vehicle) though. That's most of my dilemma, I suppose. My goal is to get a relationship with someone who can at least have the patience and spine to teach me to drive. Because I really don't want to, I really don't. That said, if one can convince me otherwise, y'know, I think they'd be worth keeping around. I mean if you really believe in and want to see me do something I hate that much because you realize I more-or-less need to do it, well you're more stubborn than me. And I can respect you for it, because this is pretty much the one thing I will always bitch about if it ever comes up. I hate driving, cars, everything related to transportation. I'd rather walk and I'm quite out of shape. Does not compute, does it? I know.
I don't like to argue though. But my god, I need you (you as in any would-be lovers out there) to have your act in gear. Have some job, even if its the blandest janitorial job out there (just an example, I really can't think of anyone that truly enjoys cleaning for a living). And have a car and be able to get yourself around. I ain't asking you to chauffeur me around at all, but I really can't wrap my head around getting myself places. So... I need you to want to meet me halfway. Do what others haven't and actually drive up to my door and knock. And don't run away after 2 minutes like a f-ing goof. I never expect company and I hate answering the door (recently I've done so in nothing but my boxers... what? I'm lazy, bitch) as it were. That said, I still am like one of the nicest people that I even know in all my 23 years of cognizance. I can't even begin to tell you how truly happy I'd be if someone did this, as it feels somewhat baffling to even request... why? Because it pretty much appears to me that sane people are incapable of doing this. I suppose I'm just crazy for hoping for it, eh? But if it did occur, then I believe that that crazy person could be just crazy enough to be mine to love. Perhaps.
Well, right now there's pretty much three people I could maybe end up in a relationship with (as to how successful any one would be, well...). I will now summarize my general positive and negative opinions about each candidate (if you care, or not, all are male).
Person A
+I've watched this person for the greater part of a year (by watch, I mean that I've followed most, though not, of their status updates on a facebook-ish website; but not actual Fbook because f*ck that noise~)
+so I know them fairly well and feel like they're a good fit for me (they're funny, employed, and close in age, all things I really want, not to mention... very gay)
-but I haven't really talked to them much at all, the one time I tried was several months ago and they laughed at me because I started complimenting them and openly declared I kinda liked them (*sigh*)
-they also (appear to) live in TX... I'm not a fan of Texas (it's too hot of a climate) and ugh... the thought of the state brings up mom issues for me (*deeper sigh*)
-and I'm worried they won't accept me because I'm not a bottom but I want to be with him and he's a (rather lewd) top
I mean it's important to me to consider if I can have sex with a person or not. I'm 23 and a virgin... and at times I feel like I'm the only person currently above the age of 20 that has not done anything sexual with anyone for their entire life. I don't want to be anally penetrated and I will not bend (lol) on this point for some time. You know there are other ways to get off than by pretending you're some straight ninny. (But no offense to all you straight ninnies that are in loving relationships and choose to have normal vaginal (or anal) sex). It's just... okay you're a man who likes men. So why do you have to stick it in his ass to show you love him that way? Why can't you just rub your sticks together... might start a fire, eh? P; But really, be more open minded... I've had a submissive friend who feels very similar to me. But they're actually submissive so them saying, "don't stick me," is obviously more jarring to some, I'm sure.
Victim B
+we've talked, on-and-off again since last February
+he approached me first, and replied favorably when I did pitch the possible idea of us dating at some point
-he hasn't really expressed much desire to see me, not as much as I've been almost begging to see him
-he's kinda bi-polar, one moment he is just fine and seems happy but then the next he breaks down and pushes me away over mistakes he makes over a month prior
-he goes for weeks, sometimes months, without speaking to me and this irks me to no end...
+if he would just open up and fucking say he wants me at times when I'm really wanting to hear it, I could forgive almost all of his flaws, but nope...
Why do you make it so difficult for me? Why can't you just say, "at least you're here" and tell me that you missed me... why can't I make you not feel so scared and worried over things? You make me feel so close yet so far... and I hate this duplicity. Not you, I just can't agree with your choice to avoid me when you so clearly need me to some extent. Stupid...
Exhibit C
+omg, so attractive
+I met him over two years ago
-but I still don't fully understand him
-I worry, being that this one has indeed had a lot of sex already, I worry that every time I try to approach him as a normal person that he feels inadequate, dirty because he's a little loose
+he is the closest person at present in terms of how far apart we are (physically)
+we share the most interests from what I can tell (mostly, this is in regards to video games)
-is he shy or what? getting him to talk to me feels like pulling teeth (and he's supposed to be an Aries... aren't fire types like not shy at all? I'm so often confused...)
I believe I've made it clear in several of my posts on here that I'm not thinking much about sex. Okay sure, I want it. If I'm dating someone for a month or so and they ask me to do them, I could see myself being ready to. The thing is... I haven't ever really been on a true date. And I want that so, soooo much. Simple dinner, movie, cuddling, gah, everything dammit! I only ask that you excuse my anger because being so deprived, left to feel so inadequate because my family picks at my appearance so damned much, (grandfather-weight, grandmother-hair and cleanliness, mother-weight again and if I try to talk to her about dating a guy I get a broken-record "use protection" mini-rant) well it makes it hard to talk about these things without wanting to drive my cranium through the nearest wall... *sigh*. Somewhat relieving to put to down, I guess. Later...
Thursday, September 6, 2012
-makes untitled post-
Y'know, I noticed on the 'mobile phone preview' of my blog that the titles of posts get all screwed up, maybe when they're too many words long. Or something. Smushes the text over itself. It's a pain. Glad I have my PC to access the 'net with and not a cell or iCrap. Stupid technology~.
Early today I took a personality test. Not unusual, I do take them a lot in boredom. Most are pretty crap and the ones that are somewhat detailed you have to pay money or submit a phone # to. F*k that shit. The one I took today was different. All of the answers/choices were presented by pictures. So you either picked what picture you like best (duh) or try to think what each pic represents and then choose from there (thinking!). But since they were all visual-oriented, there's not really a correct answer. So this was my result, based on what I answered (relating to my hobbies and ideas):
"You're The Mystic
You don’t do shallow – if you like something, you love it, from your music to your sense of style. You’re a real sensitive soul. You aren’t afraid to ask the big questions, and that means you know yourself better than most. It also gives you a unique view of the world. Your attention can be hard won, but once it’s given you can be fiercely loyal. You bare your soul to the people you trust, and wear your heart on your sleeve.
That said, sometimes it is easier to stay in your own world. And why not, right? It’s a place where you’re totally free to be whoever you want, do whatever you want. You’re in control and the possibilities are limitless. Just be careful not to get sucked in too deep – other people can really expand your horizons, and help make your world bigger. Make sure that when you do want to say something people are around to hear it. You have a unique perspective on life and your opinions are just as important as everyone else’s.
Whether you want to change the world or just find your place in it, follow your heart and do what you love. If computers are what you really enjoy, think about how far you can take it. It’s all about the balance between hard work and fun. And you know hard work isn’t scary if it’s for something you really believe in."
Most of it does fit me I guess. Pah, well sure I'd love to share my ideas with people but so often is no one around when I have something important to say! I can't magically cause them to materialize before me--and y'know, when I say something and people give me half-assed replies, well I don't exactly feel well in sharing stuff with them : |. But, it's true that sometimes my attention can be hard to win. I hate being interrupted. But what I hate more is people who make excuses as to why they can't take out a second to respond. Especially when their excuse is personal and not even professionally related (i.e. to school or business). I find myself being interrupted plenty of times, but well, I try to take more responsibility for my actions. I actively take a moment out to check on morons at times and if you say nothing, DO NOT wonder why I haven't been talking to you. You reap what you sow. Do what I love? I guess... much as people bug me, I still keep trying to make connections and shit so... I suppose I am. | : Unsure.
Y'know, I noticed on the 'mobile phone preview' of my blog that the titles of posts get all screwed up, maybe when they're too many words long. Or something. Smushes the text over itself. It's a pain. Glad I have my PC to access the 'net with and not a cell or iCrap. Stupid technology~.
Early today I took a personality test. Not unusual, I do take them a lot in boredom. Most are pretty crap and the ones that are somewhat detailed you have to pay money or submit a phone # to. F*k that shit. The one I took today was different. All of the answers/choices were presented by pictures. So you either picked what picture you like best (duh) or try to think what each pic represents and then choose from there (thinking!). But since they were all visual-oriented, there's not really a correct answer. So this was my result, based on what I answered (relating to my hobbies and ideas):
"You're The Mystic
You don’t do shallow – if you like something, you love it, from your music to your sense of style. You’re a real sensitive soul. You aren’t afraid to ask the big questions, and that means you know yourself better than most. It also gives you a unique view of the world. Your attention can be hard won, but once it’s given you can be fiercely loyal. You bare your soul to the people you trust, and wear your heart on your sleeve.
That said, sometimes it is easier to stay in your own world. And why not, right? It’s a place where you’re totally free to be whoever you want, do whatever you want. You’re in control and the possibilities are limitless. Just be careful not to get sucked in too deep – other people can really expand your horizons, and help make your world bigger. Make sure that when you do want to say something people are around to hear it. You have a unique perspective on life and your opinions are just as important as everyone else’s.
Whether you want to change the world or just find your place in it, follow your heart and do what you love. If computers are what you really enjoy, think about how far you can take it. It’s all about the balance between hard work and fun. And you know hard work isn’t scary if it’s for something you really believe in."
Most of it does fit me I guess. Pah, well sure I'd love to share my ideas with people but so often is no one around when I have something important to say! I can't magically cause them to materialize before me--and y'know, when I say something and people give me half-assed replies, well I don't exactly feel well in sharing stuff with them : |. But, it's true that sometimes my attention can be hard to win. I hate being interrupted. But what I hate more is people who make excuses as to why they can't take out a second to respond. Especially when their excuse is personal and not even professionally related (i.e. to school or business). I find myself being interrupted plenty of times, but well, I try to take more responsibility for my actions. I actively take a moment out to check on morons at times and if you say nothing, DO NOT wonder why I haven't been talking to you. You reap what you sow. Do what I love? I guess... much as people bug me, I still keep trying to make connections and shit so... I suppose I am. | : Unsure.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
On my characters~ (Why not?)
Need to brighten this place up a little, y'know? I do write by pure hobby so yeah, I have plenty of original characters up my sleeve. Most are based off people I know to some degree other than a common name or nickname shared with the character in question. Not like anyone actually reads this blog anyway but eh, may as well put some stuff up--less for me to have to remember all the time.
--I can't draw to save my life so accept some meager spliced Fire Emblem GBA mugs I made for my characters before, hahaha--
--I can't draw to save my life so accept some meager spliced Fire Emblem GBA mugs I made for my characters before, hahaha--
Ranmaru "Ran" Arcato
(wow, I love the image resize option xD)
Recurring Age: 20~22 (depicted)
Height: 6'3.5"
Weight: 220~250 lbs (not depicted)
Hair Color: Dark Auburn (depicted)
Skin Color: Light (depicted)
Eye Color: Dark Brown (not depicted)
Blood Type: A
Birthday: 18 June
Sexuality/Position: Homosexual/Top(Versatile)
General Personality:
-active listener
-stubborn; does not like following rules or standards and sticks to own ideas until proven unsuccessful
-calm, easy-going
-pacifistic
-easily offended but quick to forgive and/or compromise
-unbiasedly kind, can easily empathize with others regardless of background or upbringing
-fairly patient but also tends to procrastinate
Issues/Quirks:
-extreme fear of most flying insects, especially bees (allergic)
-post traumatic stress (cause: maternal neglect)
-does not like appearing fully naked in front of anyone, despite frequently spending private time in boxers and casual shirt
-the sight of other peoples' blood unsettles him
Shameless self-insert, go! Nah, only Ran's basic personality is based off me. The appearance is different and I'd say he probably reacts less snootier than I sometimes do. Not that I'm haughty per-se, but my honesty doesn't always mean I say things tactfully. His heritage and parts of his past are of course different. Actually, I'm too tired now to really go into detail or even to put up another character yet, so, for now this'll be all I put forth. Be seeing you non-readers again later!
Rambling...
I think some kind of bird has a name similar to the word... was it brambling? Maybe not.
Buhh.... why do I miss him this much? I mean I can easily go weeks, months without so much as a subconscious thought and then I get one dream that just vaguely hints at him still existing in my head and BAM! He's near all I can think about when I stop trying to occupy myself with video game stuff.
Hmm, pokemon is still fun after all these years, despite me not really hyping it up as much as I did in my youth. I like all the monsters--it's like people, everyone's different, with various "natures" and personality types as a result. My friend recently compared me to a Togepi. A personality test someone made did say I was most like a Togetic, lol, so I guess I don't mind much xD. What would the guy on my mind most often of late be? Possibly a Zubat... maybe a Tentacool? Then again, he may be kinda big so perhaps a Teddiursa? It does become Ursaring in time, afterall. I should use Ursaring more often. Currently I'm playing Drayano's totally awesome Fire Red Omega hack and I actually like the premise of being able to catch all the pokemon (well, all in gen III in this case) in a single game. My favorite pokemon of each generation would probably be... Hypno, Umbreon, Milotic (pain to get), and I don't have a fave in gen IV yet, I only just started platinum a few months ago and of course I've yet to touch gen V, haha.
Gahh... and when I look through some of uh, "the stash" (yeah so I keep some of my preferred porn pics together, what man doesn't?), I can't help but wish I was with him and doing some of those things. I mean this one gif of a guy doing his bottom while the bottom is spanking him lightly, in tandem with the grind... soooo hot, my god. Fill my head, it does! You know, mind with ideas. I handle my arousal just fine, thank you very much :[. He could handle it anytime, but apparently I make him explode so... all in moderation? I guess this is just my general perviness, it's that sort of time of the month ;~;.
Is it possible I don't really want to put him behind me because I do still love him and genuinely want to know if he's happy or hell--if I can make him happy? And not in the sexual, flirtatious way but because I long for his attention, his presence in general? All possible, I guess. I mean I know I was moved by his kindness and humor and gee, I think those are all I really need to sell me on liking someone. It helps if they don't smoke and if we have some more things in common. It helps even more if they aren't shallow pricks either and can accept someone not in wtf!impossible physical condition and just want them to be healthy even if they are healthy. Those are all things I can give to people, too. I would say he's done that for the most part. I wonder if we could have a spark again... perhaps, but that's all I can say on it, realistically.
Casey is such a sweet name, isn't it? It's not the most common or uncommon by most means and I can say the same about well, what I remember clearly about him. Pfff, now I'm just fanboying, look at me. I sorta wonder if I have any fans though, lol. I'm sure if I were my own fan though, I'd wig myself a tiny bit. But I mean well at least and I think I could see that. I'm getting better at handling my words, I think. Well, see yas! ♥
Buhh.... why do I miss him this much? I mean I can easily go weeks, months without so much as a subconscious thought and then I get one dream that just vaguely hints at him still existing in my head and BAM! He's near all I can think about when I stop trying to occupy myself with video game stuff.
Hmm, pokemon is still fun after all these years, despite me not really hyping it up as much as I did in my youth. I like all the monsters--it's like people, everyone's different, with various "natures" and personality types as a result. My friend recently compared me to a Togepi. A personality test someone made did say I was most like a Togetic, lol, so I guess I don't mind much xD. What would the guy on my mind most often of late be? Possibly a Zubat... maybe a Tentacool? Then again, he may be kinda big so perhaps a Teddiursa? It does become Ursaring in time, afterall. I should use Ursaring more often. Currently I'm playing Drayano's totally awesome Fire Red Omega hack and I actually like the premise of being able to catch all the pokemon (well, all in gen III in this case) in a single game. My favorite pokemon of each generation would probably be... Hypno, Umbreon, Milotic (pain to get), and I don't have a fave in gen IV yet, I only just started platinum a few months ago and of course I've yet to touch gen V, haha.
Gahh... and when I look through some of uh, "the stash" (yeah so I keep some of my preferred porn pics together, what man doesn't?), I can't help but wish I was with him and doing some of those things. I mean this one gif of a guy doing his bottom while the bottom is spanking him lightly, in tandem with the grind... soooo hot, my god. Fill my head, it does! You know, mind with ideas. I handle my arousal just fine, thank you very much :[. He could handle it anytime, but apparently I make him explode so... all in moderation? I guess this is just my general perviness, it's that sort of time of the month ;~;.
Is it possible I don't really want to put him behind me because I do still love him and genuinely want to know if he's happy or hell--if I can make him happy? And not in the sexual, flirtatious way but because I long for his attention, his presence in general? All possible, I guess. I mean I know I was moved by his kindness and humor and gee, I think those are all I really need to sell me on liking someone. It helps if they don't smoke and if we have some more things in common. It helps even more if they aren't shallow pricks either and can accept someone not in wtf!impossible physical condition and just want them to be healthy even if they are healthy. Those are all things I can give to people, too. I would say he's done that for the most part. I wonder if we could have a spark again... perhaps, but that's all I can say on it, realistically.
Casey is such a sweet name, isn't it? It's not the most common or uncommon by most means and I can say the same about well, what I remember clearly about him. Pfff, now I'm just fanboying, look at me. I sorta wonder if I have any fans though, lol. I'm sure if I were my own fan though, I'd wig myself a tiny bit. But I mean well at least and I think I could see that. I'm getting better at handling my words, I think. Well, see yas! ♥
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Some Resolve...
Not very long ago I had this dream. Well, I'll just summarize because it was really fragmented as a whole. But my memory's always been fairly good at things like this. Anyway, during said dream, a representation of a friend I've lost former contact with, but value our time together quite a lot, was holding himself at gunpoint, to his head, about to... you know. But somehow, I talked him out of it. And he lived, altering his angle at the last moment and just blowing away some space in front of his cranium. But he was alive and the remainder of the dream, I think I tried everything I could to get to him to well, tell him how happy I was he chose to live.
And that's the gist of the dream I had, So well, I think I'm ready to try with the whole "meeting people" again. Sorta been skirting around it lately but well... if I can make any difference in anyone's life, and hopefully something positive like well, just wanting to live for me or well, because one realizes how important they are to someone else. Even though I don't receive much reinforcement from my own family, I at least think I should try--so, that's mostly why I could never kill myself. Asides just being really scared of physical pain most of the time, that helps too, lol. I hate taking pills, cigarette smoke gives me asthma attacks, and f*ck alcohol, soda's enough of a calorie-bomb. Hah~.
Mmmmph, memories of my friend, the non-death-looming bits of course, always fill me with well--the oddest joy. This one because it was truly an emotional and attachment based on our wanting to be in a relationship. And though we weren't always in full agreement... the cybersex was really good for me--mind you at that time I mainly communicated love with sex and unadulterated affection. Nowadays, I do it more through more carefully picked words, not so much NC-17 and more PG with a touch of R. Afterall, I rarely curse (lol) and well, I don't really see sex as anything to be vulgar or primal about. And I also don't want to hypothetically hop into bed shortly after feeling an attachment with anyone like I did at that time. It's interesting as well in that, well, sometimes I could see myself bottoming for him, but pretty much only him have I ever been totally okay with the idea. My next-biggest attachment (*coughalexanderisnothisrealnamecough*) never managed that, at least not me actually agreeing with the suggestion. So, that says something~.
So, I'm just going to keep my options open. At least until I feel ready to commit, hopefully to someone as pure yet so... dark, as my C-. He really made me feel things. I guess that's why I love him, lol. And because I can feel things, I can continue to love people time and again. ^~^
And that's the gist of the dream I had, So well, I think I'm ready to try with the whole "meeting people" again. Sorta been skirting around it lately but well... if I can make any difference in anyone's life, and hopefully something positive like well, just wanting to live for me or well, because one realizes how important they are to someone else. Even though I don't receive much reinforcement from my own family, I at least think I should try--so, that's mostly why I could never kill myself. Asides just being really scared of physical pain most of the time, that helps too, lol. I hate taking pills, cigarette smoke gives me asthma attacks, and f*ck alcohol, soda's enough of a calorie-bomb. Hah~.
Mmmmph, memories of my friend, the non-death-looming bits of course, always fill me with well--the oddest joy. This one because it was truly an emotional and attachment based on our wanting to be in a relationship. And though we weren't always in full agreement... the cybersex was really good for me--mind you at that time I mainly communicated love with sex and unadulterated affection. Nowadays, I do it more through more carefully picked words, not so much NC-17 and more PG with a touch of R. Afterall, I rarely curse (lol) and well, I don't really see sex as anything to be vulgar or primal about. And I also don't want to hypothetically hop into bed shortly after feeling an attachment with anyone like I did at that time. It's interesting as well in that, well, sometimes I could see myself bottoming for him, but pretty much only him have I ever been totally okay with the idea. My next-biggest attachment (*coughalexanderisnothisrealnamecough*) never managed that, at least not me actually agreeing with the suggestion. So, that says something~.
So, I'm just going to keep my options open. At least until I feel ready to commit, hopefully to someone as pure yet so... dark, as my C-. He really made me feel things. I guess that's why I love him, lol. And because I can feel things, I can continue to love people time and again. ^~^
Monday, June 18, 2012
In Which I Tell You the Difference Between Men & Women
Oh don't worry. It's nothing that convoluted. Basically it boils down to:
-Women talk about their feelings
-Men feel out their feelings
-And this blogger does both
Oh. My. God. I must be a hermaphrodite.... AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, alright. Silliness aside, it's pretty true, eh? A guy won't respond as favorably if you just tell him in words, he needs to be f*cked. Why else do you think he wants sex all the time, ladies? And my boys, you know your wife doesn't really care how good you are to her in bed, as long as you listen (or pretend to) and take responsibility for crap (this usually means paying for crap). Sheesh, no wonder people usually divorce as much as they get married, or even more if you're talking about the USA, hah~.
Myself? Both are pretty important. I see myself working both into my relationships to good effect--I like to balance things out, so after I've made your loins explode in love juices, I'll sit and be more than happy to hear about your dreams, ideas, anything really. I really can't do with too much or too little of either of them, y'know? I want to make love to you but I also want to just kill time talking about well, shit--I sure do waste time talking about random things, lol. That would probably explain why like every second or third conversation I have with would-be lovers is laced with sexual advances and romantics, hehe, I'm such a tease at times xD. Perhaps it's because I don't see people much in person that I'm more willing to be open on the internet--I want to find someone who wants to get all that I have to offer, word?
"I'd be most content with a 9 to 5 job, then coming home to f*ck my man-wife until he screams like a banshee," yes, yes I would. That's literally a sentence I thought to myself earlier today (yesterday for you technical kooks). Maybe without the cursing--what? I don't get any kick from using dumb language... my vocabulary is pretty expansive, dear wanderer. Don't you just love the auto-censoring that some forums use, especially if you're viewing it as a guest? Heh, well let it be known that if you are my lover (boyfriend is too casual a word) I will indeed gently caress you, hard. You're very welcome.
Okay, so onto the talking part I guess. I just feel better when people make an effort to talk to me--I mean at present I really have nothing better to do than be talking to people, but it's more than that. My mom does not make any efforts to keep up conversation with me, either. Okay? I'm not asking for your sympathy but I would appreciate a little effort from you, if you sincerely find yourself interested in me. In part because I'm really, really used to and tired of people forgetting about me... and I'm her first born son of all things. You'd think she'd give enough of a shit about me... people are so dumb, sometimes. *sigh*
Ultimately, I would like to have a family someday. A family that I've been deprived of for a long time already, hah, but I mentioned so already. Could adopt a kid or two if the man-wife is up to it, you know? If not, that's fine too. I just hope to find some limp-inducing, hip-breaking love eventually. What? Sex-related injuries are bound to happen if one gets too into the thrusting (but admittedly I'm pretty slow and sensual when it comes down too it, I doubt I'd be thrusting him too fast unless he outright asks for it... yes, too much information) lolol.
Take care, random people who read this.
-Women talk about their feelings
-Men feel out their feelings
-And this blogger does both
Oh. My. God. I must be a hermaphrodite.... AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Alright, alright. Silliness aside, it's pretty true, eh? A guy won't respond as favorably if you just tell him in words, he needs to be f*cked. Why else do you think he wants sex all the time, ladies? And my boys, you know your wife doesn't really care how good you are to her in bed, as long as you listen (or pretend to) and take responsibility for crap (this usually means paying for crap). Sheesh, no wonder people usually divorce as much as they get married, or even more if you're talking about the USA, hah~.
Myself? Both are pretty important. I see myself working both into my relationships to good effect--I like to balance things out, so after I've made your loins explode in love juices, I'll sit and be more than happy to hear about your dreams, ideas, anything really. I really can't do with too much or too little of either of them, y'know? I want to make love to you but I also want to just kill time talking about well, shit--I sure do waste time talking about random things, lol. That would probably explain why like every second or third conversation I have with would-be lovers is laced with sexual advances and romantics, hehe, I'm such a tease at times xD. Perhaps it's because I don't see people much in person that I'm more willing to be open on the internet--I want to find someone who wants to get all that I have to offer, word?
"I'd be most content with a 9 to 5 job, then coming home to f*ck my man-wife until he screams like a banshee," yes, yes I would. That's literally a sentence I thought to myself earlier today (yesterday for you technical kooks). Maybe without the cursing--what? I don't get any kick from using dumb language... my vocabulary is pretty expansive, dear wanderer. Don't you just love the auto-censoring that some forums use, especially if you're viewing it as a guest? Heh, well let it be known that if you are my lover (boyfriend is too casual a word) I will indeed gently caress you, hard. You're very welcome.
Okay, so onto the talking part I guess. I just feel better when people make an effort to talk to me--I mean at present I really have nothing better to do than be talking to people, but it's more than that. My mom does not make any efforts to keep up conversation with me, either. Okay? I'm not asking for your sympathy but I would appreciate a little effort from you, if you sincerely find yourself interested in me. In part because I'm really, really used to and tired of people forgetting about me... and I'm her first born son of all things. You'd think she'd give enough of a shit about me... people are so dumb, sometimes. *sigh*
Ultimately, I would like to have a family someday. A family that I've been deprived of for a long time already, hah, but I mentioned so already. Could adopt a kid or two if the man-wife is up to it, you know? If not, that's fine too. I just hope to find some limp-inducing, hip-breaking love eventually. What? Sex-related injuries are bound to happen if one gets too into the thrusting (but admittedly I'm pretty slow and sensual when it comes down too it, I doubt I'd be thrusting him too fast unless he outright asks for it... yes, too much information) lolol.
Take care, random people who read this.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Back in a Second to Do Stuff! *wiggle*
What? I like The Amanda Show; I'm a normal 90s kid so I grew up with All That and whatnot that later lead into Miss Bynes' interesting career~.
Show references asides, hmm, I'm just feeling "meh" of late. Not a bad "meh" but just a could-be-better "meh", and there's little I personally can do to actually make it be better. I consider myself a fairly stand-up individual; by that I mean, if I say I'll do something or are asked to do something, I'll do it. If I should not want to do it, I will indeed tell you "no" and proceed to not do it, too. While I don't expect everyone to really be as forthright, I do think people should try. So I'm a little disappointed. My "not-boyfriend" (you need to watch Season 3 of Buffy to get that reference...) asked me to call him last weekend (i.e. approximately 9 days before this post) and so I do. Happiness was had. While we're talking, he explains his lapse in communication of late (mainly due to work, you 9-5ers surely understand) and implies he wants to call me again in about a week from then. So, naturally I spent the last 3 days anticipating his return call (we had spoken for an hour and generally I don't detect much flakiness from him). He doesn't call. And so I'm left wondering if he's okay, if he just plumb forgot or what other shit is keeping him from calling me. I want to let you all know something very, Very important--THIS IS NOT OKAY!! I mean, dude! I just... is that any fair at all? I don't like people who don't pick up their damn slack. Relationships are built around trust which must be fortified CONSTANTLY by open communication. Look, we all have bad days, y'know? Why--WHY do you blockheads always insist on taking on everything alone!? Do you ever think that just maybe, idk, someone somewhere wants to be with you, that they want you even when you don't want yourself. If it's possible for your parents to put up with your life for at least 18 years, why is it so hard to let others put up with it for 1 or 2 hours out of 168(the # of hours in a week)? I just... want that much. I miss you, okay, a damned lot. And it's because I think I may finally be in the love I have been waiting for and denied most of my life from my own family and friends I've treated as such. I don't know. But I must be feeling something--tears are itching my eyes, lol. Ah, it's not like a show of waterworks or anything. I just don't like feeling forgotten, I doubt I ever will handle it well.
I guess I found one thing that will push my patience with this one though, hah! I don't really pick much on people's flaws but I can surely notice and accept them. Being forgetful isn't that bad (hey, he told me his day-to-day memory sucks). I'm more likely to worry about people because I more easily put other's well-being before my own. And sometimes I neglect myself. Just like, I'm not assed to be "clean" as much as most people would probably agree with. But that doesn't mean I also have poor manners or messy habits--I don't. I'm often complimented with how polite I am towards people, as a matter of fact. And it's not something I really need to think about, I just am honest with people. If you don't act like a moron or amoeba of a person, then I will probably treat you with due congeniality. I'm quick to offend but just as quick to get over it or compromise. I don't like to show immediately when things bother me, I have to let them fester and nag at me until I am drawn to tears over it, in general. But usually I will feel much better after finally letting it out--and I do have a lot to let out~. So that explains this blog, doesn't it? xD
I'm not actually mad at him at all, y'know? I'm just lonely, pretty much. I like having other people to spend time with so I can focus on them and their needs, and through them, also work out my own issues. It sounds fair to me, I just wish others would do so, too. I like being noticed if mostly because, most people ignore me, lol. If people did, they'd probably be less uptight about everything though! Since I'm so honest with people, my hope is that they can be put at ease, y'know? I don't care so much about what all happened to you in your life--you're still a person on this plane of reality, just like me. Why shouldn't I care about you if, at the simplest level, you're me and so by caring for you, I'm able to care more about myself? And just look at dis face...
Don't you just want to give it a pinch? xD Idk, I think it's alright or so--I don't look in mirrors very much!
Anywho, let's turn off the stupidly awesome highway of my mind a moment and discuss the awesome phenomena of Next Food Network Star, 'kay? Because cooking is win, duh!
This is the uh, 8th season of it I think. Most know how epic Guy is (Fieri, who else?) but hey, the 1st season had a couple win, two gay dudes no less! Now that's truly a rarity but I can dig it, of course. It's certainly an interesting idea, though I'm not really big on entertaining (which was their show's theme). Amy Finnely (or w/e) I like as a person but French cooking isn't really a big draw for me (my favorite cuisines tend to be Italian, Spanish/Mexican or Asian--particularly Chinese/Japanese dishes). Next was Aaron and he's a rather cool dude (certainly nice to look at). And I tend to like people with a strong sense of family values--they're often good people (but not always--just watch some of the (fictional) characters on Law & Order: SVU). Melissa was next I think; I do watch her show as often as I'm able although I don't think I get much from it; I think she's a nice lady and that alone makes me want to watch her cook, in general. Aarti's certainly awesome and you don't see Indian cuisine mentioned much on American TV, 's all good. Jeff is probably the main winner I'm most indifferent towards. He's okay and all but eh--I don't feel much draw towards him, y'know?
So, people I like this season. Probably the most of any season so far! Michele, Judson, Malcolm, Ippy and Emily are my favorites. Of the currently remaining finalists, Nikki is my least favorite. Sure she has a POV and seems to be able to cook well but--asides being a fervently passionate female grill-est (loves to utilize the grill, I mean), I don't really get anything from her. And I think she uses too much makeup, just my opinion though. Although she has proven cooking ability, I just don't like her, she'd have been the first to go if it was all going by solo ability and I was prosecuting. I'm pulling emotionally for Judson to do better and Michele, too. Both have been slipping and they just seem like such likable people, it sucks to watch them flounder the way they have been recently--because they both started on good notes and I, personally, picked them out first as ones I would like to watch, should they manage to win (hence why they're listed 1st). Of the finalists who are currently remaining (they've already nixed four), I wouldn't mind if Justin or Martie won. I'm not especially drawn to the others (Linkie, Yvan, Martita) but, I'm pretty much fine with anyone except Nikki as it stands now. If I should manage to see some personal growth from her, I could change my opinion, maybe.
Take care, whoever reads this~. Laters! ♥
Show references asides, hmm, I'm just feeling "meh" of late. Not a bad "meh" but just a could-be-better "meh", and there's little I personally can do to actually make it be better. I consider myself a fairly stand-up individual; by that I mean, if I say I'll do something or are asked to do something, I'll do it. If I should not want to do it, I will indeed tell you "no" and proceed to not do it, too. While I don't expect everyone to really be as forthright, I do think people should try. So I'm a little disappointed. My "not-boyfriend" (you need to watch Season 3 of Buffy to get that reference...) asked me to call him last weekend (i.e. approximately 9 days before this post) and so I do. Happiness was had. While we're talking, he explains his lapse in communication of late (mainly due to work, you 9-5ers surely understand) and implies he wants to call me again in about a week from then. So, naturally I spent the last 3 days anticipating his return call (we had spoken for an hour and generally I don't detect much flakiness from him). He doesn't call. And so I'm left wondering if he's okay, if he just plumb forgot or what other shit is keeping him from calling me. I want to let you all know something very, Very important--THIS IS NOT OKAY!! I mean, dude! I just... is that any fair at all? I don't like people who don't pick up their damn slack. Relationships are built around trust which must be fortified CONSTANTLY by open communication. Look, we all have bad days, y'know? Why--WHY do you blockheads always insist on taking on everything alone!? Do you ever think that just maybe, idk, someone somewhere wants to be with you, that they want you even when you don't want yourself. If it's possible for your parents to put up with your life for at least 18 years, why is it so hard to let others put up with it for 1 or 2 hours out of 168(the # of hours in a week)? I just... want that much. I miss you, okay, a damned lot. And it's because I think I may finally be in the love I have been waiting for and denied most of my life from my own family and friends I've treated as such. I don't know. But I must be feeling something--tears are itching my eyes, lol. Ah, it's not like a show of waterworks or anything. I just don't like feeling forgotten, I doubt I ever will handle it well.
I guess I found one thing that will push my patience with this one though, hah! I don't really pick much on people's flaws but I can surely notice and accept them. Being forgetful isn't that bad (hey, he told me his day-to-day memory sucks). I'm more likely to worry about people because I more easily put other's well-being before my own. And sometimes I neglect myself. Just like, I'm not assed to be "clean" as much as most people would probably agree with. But that doesn't mean I also have poor manners or messy habits--I don't. I'm often complimented with how polite I am towards people, as a matter of fact. And it's not something I really need to think about, I just am honest with people. If you don't act like a moron or amoeba of a person, then I will probably treat you with due congeniality. I'm quick to offend but just as quick to get over it or compromise. I don't like to show immediately when things bother me, I have to let them fester and nag at me until I am drawn to tears over it, in general. But usually I will feel much better after finally letting it out--and I do have a lot to let out~. So that explains this blog, doesn't it? xD
I'm not actually mad at him at all, y'know? I'm just lonely, pretty much. I like having other people to spend time with so I can focus on them and their needs, and through them, also work out my own issues. It sounds fair to me, I just wish others would do so, too. I like being noticed if mostly because, most people ignore me, lol. If people did, they'd probably be less uptight about everything though! Since I'm so honest with people, my hope is that they can be put at ease, y'know? I don't care so much about what all happened to you in your life--you're still a person on this plane of reality, just like me. Why shouldn't I care about you if, at the simplest level, you're me and so by caring for you, I'm able to care more about myself? And just look at dis face...
Anywho, let's turn off the stupidly awesome highway of my mind a moment and discuss the awesome phenomena of Next Food Network Star, 'kay? Because cooking is win, duh!
This is the uh, 8th season of it I think. Most know how epic Guy is (Fieri, who else?) but hey, the 1st season had a couple win, two gay dudes no less! Now that's truly a rarity but I can dig it, of course. It's certainly an interesting idea, though I'm not really big on entertaining (which was their show's theme). Amy Finnely (or w/e) I like as a person but French cooking isn't really a big draw for me (my favorite cuisines tend to be Italian, Spanish/Mexican or Asian--particularly Chinese/Japanese dishes). Next was Aaron and he's a rather cool dude (certainly nice to look at). And I tend to like people with a strong sense of family values--they're often good people (but not always--just watch some of the (fictional) characters on Law & Order: SVU). Melissa was next I think; I do watch her show as often as I'm able although I don't think I get much from it; I think she's a nice lady and that alone makes me want to watch her cook, in general. Aarti's certainly awesome and you don't see Indian cuisine mentioned much on American TV, 's all good. Jeff is probably the main winner I'm most indifferent towards. He's okay and all but eh--I don't feel much draw towards him, y'know?
So, people I like this season. Probably the most of any season so far! Michele, Judson, Malcolm, Ippy and Emily are my favorites. Of the currently remaining finalists, Nikki is my least favorite. Sure she has a POV and seems to be able to cook well but--asides being a fervently passionate female grill-est (loves to utilize the grill, I mean), I don't really get anything from her. And I think she uses too much makeup, just my opinion though. Although she has proven cooking ability, I just don't like her, she'd have been the first to go if it was all going by solo ability and I was prosecuting. I'm pulling emotionally for Judson to do better and Michele, too. Both have been slipping and they just seem like such likable people, it sucks to watch them flounder the way they have been recently--because they both started on good notes and I, personally, picked them out first as ones I would like to watch, should they manage to win (hence why they're listed 1st). Of the finalists who are currently remaining (they've already nixed four), I wouldn't mind if Justin or Martie won. I'm not especially drawn to the others (Linkie, Yvan, Martita) but, I'm pretty much fine with anyone except Nikki as it stands now. If I should manage to see some personal growth from her, I could change my opinion, maybe.
Take care, whoever reads this~. Laters! ♥
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Thoughts and Crap (Warning: Might be a very long post)
You have been warned...
Well, in part it's 'cause I just haven't put anything on this blog in a few months and I don't like to leave things dry for too long, y'know? Where do I even start... it's not that I even had much going on; truly, I didn't. But of course I had plenty to think about, such is my way. I'll start by visiting my most recent thoughts which ironically, involve the past.
It's strange how people can vastly grow apart in as little as 6 years of no contact with the other. If there's anything I do regret about my high-school experience, it would be letting people affect me as much as they did. Not that such things deterred me much, but because of my open nature, it was and is easier for me to be hurt and offended by other people. It's bad enough I would often walk home to an empty house, but my classmates made it hard on me. This is in part because I wanted to be accepted, to be loved--things that have been in short supply from my family. The only family member I'm sure loves me (the way I feel a family should) is my grandfather and it's near impossible for him to express those emotions. I don't have a father, my mother ignored me for the better part of my school-going life and still now only calls when she feels like it. Am I asking too much to want to have her call me like once a week? That seems reasonable for a parent and child, no matter how old you are *sigh*. Since my mother put my two younger sisters up for adoption shortly after their birth, I never had kids even marginally close to my age around me very much outside of school. And my grandmother wants nothing to do with me (why? I don't understand that at all...). It's even harder that I'm bisexual (well, mainly homosexual) and can't mention that or I will forfeit my housing. I'm not joking about any of these facts; at times I wish I were because most of my history sounds ridiculous even to me who lived through it.
Okay, back to school. So, after I had left boarding school (my grandfather "says" I was kicked out but idk, the staff of MHS never really said "you're expelled", moreso, "we think you'd be better off leaving; it's hard for you to live at the student homes"; well no shit, Sherlock! You try living with 10 or more other random kids and two adults who aren't your parents when you still actually have parents!) I came back to the school district where I had started (went there for Kindergarten). Of course I remember having gone there and stuff and some people I knew before I still was able to reconcile with. Okay, I'm going to drop first names here but f*** if I care; it's not like I was even noticed much by anyone--if I were, they sure never showed it much. So I re-met Kelly and we got along okay but idk, she was sort of the butt monkey of our grade in a way. I hated that people viewed her that way. I also was teased a lot, but moreso by upperclassmen at first who mocked my carefree and emotional nature (if I was happy I skipped occasionally; I mean literally Sound of Music Maria skipping) and called me gay because of that. Amanda, who I used to hang out with at a young age, physically bullied me and I had to ask the guidance office to change my schedule for that reason mainly. This is the main part of my "people growing apart" bit above. I never felt animosity from her in kindergarten. Even a boy whose fingers I accidentally (honest) slammed in a door, Mike, was friendlier to me than her and I have no clue whatsoever why. Maybe I just bothered her somehow; maybe she resented my "gay" behavior, idk. Why is it a crime to smile, to enjoy school and learning, to want other people to be so happy they burst into song? (Yes, I've done this). My other main friends from before were guys but one became a clownish fop (Tom) and the other was all, "only have time for my girlfriend" and a bit of a sports jock no less ("Robbie"). If you want to know, I do wish I could have had a better relationship with Amanda because she didn't seem like a bad person to me, but it was near impossible to get near her since she mostly just stuck with her friend, Kristi (dunno if it was spelled that way). Soon after returning I met Scott who was pretty nice; kinda energetic though and Phil who was sorta eh... can I say he's like a guy you wanna occasionally punch because he bugs you in some way but you don't because you don't want to bother with the consequences? Yeah, that. The other main Phil in our grade went by PK and we never really collaborated on anything. He seems okay though, I'd rather have a drink with PK than the other guy. Oh, there was another Phil who I shared more interests with (sort of) though he had moved away after 11th grade. My main friends, or acquaintances at least, were ladies. Brianne, Sara, Devoureaux (I think, might not have the first u) and later Brittany. Or was it Britney? Stupid different spellings for the same name, dude! My main guy friends were Zach and Roger, who were a year ahead of me and Tyler who was more of an acquaintance but I could talk to him about my ideas for video games. He was really laid back and kinda looked half-asleep a lot, lol, but he was an all around good fellow. My best friend from school would turn out to be another guy with the same name, but I don't talk much about him. In part because he seems to be going through a really wigged out time right now, so I offer this much respect, y'know?
I would have like to have been somewhat more involved in Bri, Sara and Devi's lives; because I respect them as people and yeah, I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them. I only really saw them at lunch asides from classes we might share. Devi was overall the nicest towards me. Bri kinda joked around with me a lot but I feel that was her way of accepting me. I know this sounds awkward but part of me really missed my mother even though she was not very involved in my life. My mother, herself, seems to really like music and stuff and I know she's had an iffy history with sex and the like (hello, that's how she ended up birthing me). Bri was sorta like my mom and also like the mother figure I wanted to have--one who cared about me and openly expressed it in their own way. While she was also harsh towards me at times, I don't think I would have been able to finish at all if not for Bri's support. And it hurt, a lot, that I couldn't be with her more as her own support. If she was a queen, I would have wanted to be her knight. In our senior year, Bri became pregnant and I'm sure it was difficult for her... yeah well, somehow I finished school that year but it was not easy for me and my fragile psyche. At times I would just be so filled with anger, sadness and lethargy that I'd have to excuse myself from class to sit and let my tears pour in the guidance office rooms. Sara was Bri's best friend and seemed overall like the most level-headed of the three. I always thought of her as having this elegant presence and she was nice to look at overall, tall, fairly slender and naturally nice in appearance. The main thing that kept me just being a tagalong to them at school was the fact that they smoke (or have smoked) cigarettes. Dunno if they've been able to quit since then, but I hope they're well regardless. Sara made me really depressed the last week of school when she essentially said I was worthless. I can't even begin to fathom what possessed her to say it and maybe she didn't mean to be saying it to me but... that was ultimately the last straw for me and I chose not to attend my graduation because I just wasn't close enough to any of my classmates to go through with it. And my mother couldn't get a flight in anyway, so there'd be no point for me. Yes, my grandfather would have attended but he's always been there... he doesn't have anything to validate with me because his actions have shown enough. Even though I do wish we could communicate better, still.
Yes, that was nearly 5 years ago, so what? It's part of what made me the person I am today, so you may as well know about it, eh? I probably still wouldn't have gone to graduation if I were closer to my classmates, but maybe I'd have thrown an after-party. And maybe people might have actually came. May have mentioned it before (memory's lapsing a bit) but my 16th birthday, I had tried to invite some of my classmates and it was only a week after school let out that year. My grandfather said it was okay and had bought extra food and everything and I waited... and waited... and waited. And no one called or bothered to show up. I... my eyes are tearing up as I remember and type this up now. In part because it reminds me of the neglect I endured from my mother, I'd call her lots of times as much as I could when I wanted to talk to her as a kid... and she wouldn't answer. It would be days or weeks before she'd return my calls. What also hurts is that about a year ago I tried to call up a social worker I had worked with before (I followed policy and hadn't had direct contact them for over a year past discharge from their service) and she never returned my call neither... and I have no idea if she (my worker) just forgot or what the hell's going on *sigh*. Well, I'm okay now, managed to stop myself from crying and that's mostly because that social worker in particular was overall pretty good, I'm happy to have known them more than I am upset they haven't contacted me much after our time together. Though I still do miss hearing from them, no less.
Well this is what I think about most of the time; if I've truly gotten any better. If I truly feel any better. And it may not be a lot, but in most ways, I am better off than I was. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Well, in part it's 'cause I just haven't put anything on this blog in a few months and I don't like to leave things dry for too long, y'know? Where do I even start... it's not that I even had much going on; truly, I didn't. But of course I had plenty to think about, such is my way. I'll start by visiting my most recent thoughts which ironically, involve the past.
It's strange how people can vastly grow apart in as little as 6 years of no contact with the other. If there's anything I do regret about my high-school experience, it would be letting people affect me as much as they did. Not that such things deterred me much, but because of my open nature, it was and is easier for me to be hurt and offended by other people. It's bad enough I would often walk home to an empty house, but my classmates made it hard on me. This is in part because I wanted to be accepted, to be loved--things that have been in short supply from my family. The only family member I'm sure loves me (the way I feel a family should) is my grandfather and it's near impossible for him to express those emotions. I don't have a father, my mother ignored me for the better part of my school-going life and still now only calls when she feels like it. Am I asking too much to want to have her call me like once a week? That seems reasonable for a parent and child, no matter how old you are *sigh*. Since my mother put my two younger sisters up for adoption shortly after their birth, I never had kids even marginally close to my age around me very much outside of school. And my grandmother wants nothing to do with me (why? I don't understand that at all...). It's even harder that I'm bisexual (well, mainly homosexual) and can't mention that or I will forfeit my housing. I'm not joking about any of these facts; at times I wish I were because most of my history sounds ridiculous even to me who lived through it.
Okay, back to school. So, after I had left boarding school (my grandfather "says" I was kicked out but idk, the staff of MHS never really said "you're expelled", moreso, "we think you'd be better off leaving; it's hard for you to live at the student homes"; well no shit, Sherlock! You try living with 10 or more other random kids and two adults who aren't your parents when you still actually have parents!) I came back to the school district where I had started (went there for Kindergarten). Of course I remember having gone there and stuff and some people I knew before I still was able to reconcile with. Okay, I'm going to drop first names here but f*** if I care; it's not like I was even noticed much by anyone--if I were, they sure never showed it much. So I re-met Kelly and we got along okay but idk, she was sort of the butt monkey of our grade in a way. I hated that people viewed her that way. I also was teased a lot, but moreso by upperclassmen at first who mocked my carefree and emotional nature (if I was happy I skipped occasionally; I mean literally Sound of Music Maria skipping) and called me gay because of that. Amanda, who I used to hang out with at a young age, physically bullied me and I had to ask the guidance office to change my schedule for that reason mainly. This is the main part of my "people growing apart" bit above. I never felt animosity from her in kindergarten. Even a boy whose fingers I accidentally (honest) slammed in a door, Mike, was friendlier to me than her and I have no clue whatsoever why. Maybe I just bothered her somehow; maybe she resented my "gay" behavior, idk. Why is it a crime to smile, to enjoy school and learning, to want other people to be so happy they burst into song? (Yes, I've done this). My other main friends from before were guys but one became a clownish fop (Tom) and the other was all, "only have time for my girlfriend" and a bit of a sports jock no less ("Robbie"). If you want to know, I do wish I could have had a better relationship with Amanda because she didn't seem like a bad person to me, but it was near impossible to get near her since she mostly just stuck with her friend, Kristi (dunno if it was spelled that way). Soon after returning I met Scott who was pretty nice; kinda energetic though and Phil who was sorta eh... can I say he's like a guy you wanna occasionally punch because he bugs you in some way but you don't because you don't want to bother with the consequences? Yeah, that. The other main Phil in our grade went by PK and we never really collaborated on anything. He seems okay though, I'd rather have a drink with PK than the other guy. Oh, there was another Phil who I shared more interests with (sort of) though he had moved away after 11th grade. My main friends, or acquaintances at least, were ladies. Brianne, Sara, Devoureaux (I think, might not have the first u) and later Brittany. Or was it Britney? Stupid different spellings for the same name, dude! My main guy friends were Zach and Roger, who were a year ahead of me and Tyler who was more of an acquaintance but I could talk to him about my ideas for video games. He was really laid back and kinda looked half-asleep a lot, lol, but he was an all around good fellow. My best friend from school would turn out to be another guy with the same name, but I don't talk much about him. In part because he seems to be going through a really wigged out time right now, so I offer this much respect, y'know?
I would have like to have been somewhat more involved in Bri, Sara and Devi's lives; because I respect them as people and yeah, I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them. I only really saw them at lunch asides from classes we might share. Devi was overall the nicest towards me. Bri kinda joked around with me a lot but I feel that was her way of accepting me. I know this sounds awkward but part of me really missed my mother even though she was not very involved in my life. My mother, herself, seems to really like music and stuff and I know she's had an iffy history with sex and the like (hello, that's how she ended up birthing me). Bri was sorta like my mom and also like the mother figure I wanted to have--one who cared about me and openly expressed it in their own way. While she was also harsh towards me at times, I don't think I would have been able to finish at all if not for Bri's support. And it hurt, a lot, that I couldn't be with her more as her own support. If she was a queen, I would have wanted to be her knight. In our senior year, Bri became pregnant and I'm sure it was difficult for her... yeah well, somehow I finished school that year but it was not easy for me and my fragile psyche. At times I would just be so filled with anger, sadness and lethargy that I'd have to excuse myself from class to sit and let my tears pour in the guidance office rooms. Sara was Bri's best friend and seemed overall like the most level-headed of the three. I always thought of her as having this elegant presence and she was nice to look at overall, tall, fairly slender and naturally nice in appearance. The main thing that kept me just being a tagalong to them at school was the fact that they smoke (or have smoked) cigarettes. Dunno if they've been able to quit since then, but I hope they're well regardless. Sara made me really depressed the last week of school when she essentially said I was worthless. I can't even begin to fathom what possessed her to say it and maybe she didn't mean to be saying it to me but... that was ultimately the last straw for me and I chose not to attend my graduation because I just wasn't close enough to any of my classmates to go through with it. And my mother couldn't get a flight in anyway, so there'd be no point for me. Yes, my grandfather would have attended but he's always been there... he doesn't have anything to validate with me because his actions have shown enough. Even though I do wish we could communicate better, still.
Yes, that was nearly 5 years ago, so what? It's part of what made me the person I am today, so you may as well know about it, eh? I probably still wouldn't have gone to graduation if I were closer to my classmates, but maybe I'd have thrown an after-party. And maybe people might have actually came. May have mentioned it before (memory's lapsing a bit) but my 16th birthday, I had tried to invite some of my classmates and it was only a week after school let out that year. My grandfather said it was okay and had bought extra food and everything and I waited... and waited... and waited. And no one called or bothered to show up. I... my eyes are tearing up as I remember and type this up now. In part because it reminds me of the neglect I endured from my mother, I'd call her lots of times as much as I could when I wanted to talk to her as a kid... and she wouldn't answer. It would be days or weeks before she'd return my calls. What also hurts is that about a year ago I tried to call up a social worker I had worked with before (I followed policy and hadn't had direct contact them for over a year past discharge from their service) and she never returned my call neither... and I have no idea if she (my worker) just forgot or what the hell's going on *sigh*. Well, I'm okay now, managed to stop myself from crying and that's mostly because that social worker in particular was overall pretty good, I'm happy to have known them more than I am upset they haven't contacted me much after our time together. Though I still do miss hearing from them, no less.
Well this is what I think about most of the time; if I've truly gotten any better. If I truly feel any better. And it may not be a lot, but in most ways, I am better off than I was. 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Update: Just Because...
That's a good reason, eh? "Just because," and nothing else really. I guess I feel like it but I am by no means overly driven to do so, heh.
Although adding that awesome Yuri/Blanca photo is a good motivator, rite?
Things are... just okay at the moment. I think I managed to become acquainted with a person who is genuinely interested in me--quite a rare feat at that, so that's nice. I'm still recovering from the shock factor--people generally aren't as nice to me as I am to them upon just meeting and from the initial contact. Hell, most people also don't even bother to start conversations--see how odd this is? It's a good oddity, I can't say I don't deserve it; after all, I have been giving an honest effort to every relationship I've established in the past 4~5 years of being able to socialize freely. Just trying to contain any possible excitement and let myself like this person not because they happen to like me (though it's a definite plus). And I think I'm getting to that point. They're nice to talk to, pretty much. One good daily message is better than a few sporadic dates of hours-on-end phone calls or stuff like that, eh? Well, I think so~.
Otherwise, there hasn't been much activity this past month. Oh well, at least nothing much has been bothering me, either. Now I guess I want to share more music; stuff I've been enjoying lately per my previous posts of this nature xP. Enjoy, 'kay?
Star Ocean (4) The Last Hope: Symmetry
SMT Avatar Tuner/Digital Devil Saga: Big Battle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAXpq-xs3Rk
Good stuff~. Blogger, out. xD
Things are... just okay at the moment. I think I managed to become acquainted with a person who is genuinely interested in me--quite a rare feat at that, so that's nice. I'm still recovering from the shock factor--people generally aren't as nice to me as I am to them upon just meeting and from the initial contact. Hell, most people also don't even bother to start conversations--see how odd this is? It's a good oddity, I can't say I don't deserve it; after all, I have been giving an honest effort to every relationship I've established in the past 4~5 years of being able to socialize freely. Just trying to contain any possible excitement and let myself like this person not because they happen to like me (though it's a definite plus). And I think I'm getting to that point. They're nice to talk to, pretty much. One good daily message is better than a few sporadic dates of hours-on-end phone calls or stuff like that, eh? Well, I think so~.
Otherwise, there hasn't been much activity this past month. Oh well, at least nothing much has been bothering me, either. Now I guess I want to share more music; stuff I've been enjoying lately per my previous posts of this nature xP. Enjoy, 'kay?
Star Ocean (4) The Last Hope: Symmetry
SMT Avatar Tuner/Digital Devil Saga: Big Battle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAXpq-xs3Rk
Good stuff~. Blogger, out. xD
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Good Morning to You~
Well, it is the afternoon now that I'm getting around to making this entry, but so what? I did have a decent morning. As decent a morning as a single middle-class, full-bodied caucasian male of their low 20s can muster alone. Heh, just thought of calling myself full bodied because I am overweight but not in a shameful manner. Why should I feel less about myself just because I have a bloated stomach and full thighs and some underarm fat on my upper arms? It's not oh, super appealing but its not really anything repulsive either, just kinda funny if you ask me. And sometimes if you look at really muscular people, they look funny too. Especially those who are so thick their veins pop out in places... but personally that grosses me out a bit. So, in some ways I'm glad I'm not ripped. Plus, I have no major health concerns barring my abnormally low good cholesterol (i.e. the kind of cholesterol that helps prevent heart diseases). I could stand to exercise more but it really isn't fun nor motivating enough to do it on my own, so I don't get much activity in : /. Yes, I would be at least 3 times more likely to go out/work out if someone close to me asked to. No one's around so... yeah. Am I okay with this? Not really, but it's not like I can do anything to change it. Just something I'm not willing to do alone. And, wouldn't you feel better if your significant other was there by your side while you're running up a mountain? Well, I would. People don't get their good looks by doing nothing. So the looks I manage to have, I will accept because I think I look okay. Not great, not all around terrible, but okay. C+.
This morning I treated myself to my usual sitcoms and some Looney Toons that were on here and there. Family Matters, Boy Meets World, What I Like About You and Will & Grace were the various programs that made my morning. Some of my lusts were appealed to by the first two titles in particular. So on Family Matters, there was this one scene wherein Steve was laying on his stomach briefly, so his backside was up right? Okay, so I was checking out his ass... Jaleel White does have a pretty fine derriere. Given that he was probably nearing 20 in this episode (the actor), I don't consider my opinion inappropriate. And I do really have a weakness for dark-skinned persons... ch'yeah. It was a nicely shaped ass of an all around awesome black actor... nah, he was clothed in the scene asides. The show was never too risque, being geared towards families. And I like it that way. The Boy Meets World episode consisted of some cross dressing for Cory and Shawn. Personally, I really liked the first girl outfit that Cory(Ben Savage) donned, meaning, the way he looked in it appealed to me. Simple and clean, just a nice evening dress, heels (unnecessary) and a simple shoulder-bob wig. I like that (oh yeah, pantyhose too but details = blah). He kinda looked like my one neighbor up the street that was in my graduating class, the way he was made up to look there. I do mean this as a compliment. Besides, I do like chicks with dicks... bwahaha. P:
So this one guy I do like a fair deal, yes? I try talking to him, and try once again, all even though part of his nature does not agree well with me. The guy admits he finds people "ugly" but yet won't honor those people by telling them so openly. Yeah, I get the inkling he isn't too fond of my face with its fullness. I just wish he would at least honor me with honesty and say, "well, you're not much of a looker," and maybe even follow it with, "but thanks for your nice words," or something like that. I'm willing to give people chances. He may be kinda shallow but I don't like him any less because of that fact. I'm hoping he will give me other chances to prove I'm worth at least talking to. I'd be happy if we could at least be friends because well... most of my gay friends hardly talk to me and I have more friends who are bi or straight than I do as gay as me (90%). Hell, my most honorable friend (i.e. the one that puts the most effort, and this says a lot because they are not a very social individual) is pretty darn straight (good for him, vag repulses me, lolol). I don't demand someone talk to me all the time but it ticks me off, I try to get one of my friends' attention (one such being a guy I do find rather attractive asides him being rather gay, a plus) and he does not respond much of the time. I dunno if it's just all bad timing on my end but c'mon Wen... you're so cute and nice and... god can't I just say I enjoyed looking at some dude's ass today? Why do I have to keep all the meager happy parts of my life to myself? (Oh, I didn't mean to truly call you out when I wrote this, my friend, I just miss talking to you on a more active basis. <3) May seem odd to some people, but me, I feel this need to share things with other people, especially if its things I like and feel they can, too. Then maybe hit on them, not because I'm lonely (but yeah, I am) but because sh*t, most of my friends are hot xP.
Not sure what else to say right this moment. Some other stuff in my head but I'm trying not to be quite as rambling of late. Later to ya'll special people that read this~.
This morning I treated myself to my usual sitcoms and some Looney Toons that were on here and there. Family Matters, Boy Meets World, What I Like About You and Will & Grace were the various programs that made my morning. Some of my lusts were appealed to by the first two titles in particular. So on Family Matters, there was this one scene wherein Steve was laying on his stomach briefly, so his backside was up right? Okay, so I was checking out his ass... Jaleel White does have a pretty fine derriere. Given that he was probably nearing 20 in this episode (the actor), I don't consider my opinion inappropriate. And I do really have a weakness for dark-skinned persons... ch'yeah. It was a nicely shaped ass of an all around awesome black actor... nah, he was clothed in the scene asides. The show was never too risque, being geared towards families. And I like it that way. The Boy Meets World episode consisted of some cross dressing for Cory and Shawn. Personally, I really liked the first girl outfit that Cory(Ben Savage) donned, meaning, the way he looked in it appealed to me. Simple and clean, just a nice evening dress, heels (unnecessary) and a simple shoulder-bob wig. I like that (oh yeah, pantyhose too but details = blah). He kinda looked like my one neighbor up the street that was in my graduating class, the way he was made up to look there. I do mean this as a compliment. Besides, I do like chicks with dicks... bwahaha. P:
So this one guy I do like a fair deal, yes? I try talking to him, and try once again, all even though part of his nature does not agree well with me. The guy admits he finds people "ugly" but yet won't honor those people by telling them so openly. Yeah, I get the inkling he isn't too fond of my face with its fullness. I just wish he would at least honor me with honesty and say, "well, you're not much of a looker," and maybe even follow it with, "but thanks for your nice words," or something like that. I'm willing to give people chances. He may be kinda shallow but I don't like him any less because of that fact. I'm hoping he will give me other chances to prove I'm worth at least talking to. I'd be happy if we could at least be friends because well... most of my gay friends hardly talk to me and I have more friends who are bi or straight than I do as gay as me (90%). Hell, my most honorable friend (i.e. the one that puts the most effort, and this says a lot because they are not a very social individual) is pretty darn straight (good for him, vag repulses me, lolol). I don't demand someone talk to me all the time but it ticks me off, I try to get one of my friends' attention (one such being a guy I do find rather attractive asides him being rather gay, a plus) and he does not respond much of the time. I dunno if it's just all bad timing on my end but c'mon Wen... you're so cute and nice and... god can't I just say I enjoyed looking at some dude's ass today? Why do I have to keep all the meager happy parts of my life to myself? (Oh, I didn't mean to truly call you out when I wrote this, my friend, I just miss talking to you on a more active basis. <3) May seem odd to some people, but me, I feel this need to share things with other people, especially if its things I like and feel they can, too. Then maybe hit on them, not because I'm lonely (but yeah, I am) but because sh*t, most of my friends are hot xP.
Not sure what else to say right this moment. Some other stuff in my head but I'm trying not to be quite as rambling of late. Later to ya'll special people that read this~.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Screw luck, I'm talking today...
Don't you just love Friday the 13ths? I know I do :3. Of course they tend to just be ordinary days for me, but so what? I feel like talking today~. About what? Stuff, I suppose, what else? You should know me better than that by now (if you read enough of my babble already).
I will admit that I don't like ugly people. Particularly those who let their inner ugliness show, as feebly as they attempt to hide it behind their disgustingly attractive bodies. It should be a crime to be so good looking and yet still have such self-absorbed opinions. If I looked as good as some of these people, you know what? I'd still be doing everything I can to make others feel as good as I'd happen to look. Suffice to say, I don't care about my looks. Long as I remain healthy and able, it's enough for me. A little fat is well... cute. Me? Yeah, I'm overweight but it's not like I'm misshapen as, unfortunately, some persons end up as. And I like my face, alright? But I would never complain about other people being heavy. I feel I'm pretty open to many different shapes (hey, remember one of my very first posts? I find Sima Zhao and Yangus equally attractive) and it's never the size of one's stomach, waist, nor muscle definition but... the size of their heart. Intimately, okay so it helps if you have a shtick, I prefer to look at it rather than weird flaps (for lack of better words). However, I don't care how big of thighs you got... get what I'm saying? Nice sex is well, still nice afterall. One could be 100 or 300 lbs, if I'm really looking at you naked, it's because I already like what I've seen from your actions, emotions and other non-physical expressions. If I didn't, I'd feel too uncomfortable looking at you naked (I'm quite shy despite my romantic tendencies and displays of affection) and would probably stumble over my words quite a bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad looking or even too hot (which makes me even more embarrassed, quite honestly), it's just... I'm not ready to look at you that way because... I want it to be because I know you want it and value me enough that you got me naked first... or something to that extent. I'm really hard to get out of my pants (I never sleep fully naked, lolol) so... you gotta be like dynamite to blow away all my humility. It's why I like guys willing to have their egos lifted and show their self confidence, especially if they are morally rounded enough to admit that I've helped them to feel that way. That's the biggest reward for me... helping others to reach their greatest possible selves. Yeah, yeah... I'm weird xP.
I find it ironic yet oddly fitting that my birthmonth is the LGBT Pride Month in the United States of America (where I reside) and my birthday itself is an International Autistic Pride Day. Yes, I am mostly gay and also partially autistic, go figure! Nothing really else to say on that topic though, I just happen to be mildly amused by the fact :3.
More rambling a little later, can't really commit to more brain-picking at this moment. See you soon~.
I will admit that I don't like ugly people. Particularly those who let their inner ugliness show, as feebly as they attempt to hide it behind their disgustingly attractive bodies. It should be a crime to be so good looking and yet still have such self-absorbed opinions. If I looked as good as some of these people, you know what? I'd still be doing everything I can to make others feel as good as I'd happen to look. Suffice to say, I don't care about my looks. Long as I remain healthy and able, it's enough for me. A little fat is well... cute. Me? Yeah, I'm overweight but it's not like I'm misshapen as, unfortunately, some persons end up as. And I like my face, alright? But I would never complain about other people being heavy. I feel I'm pretty open to many different shapes (hey, remember one of my very first posts? I find Sima Zhao and Yangus equally attractive) and it's never the size of one's stomach, waist, nor muscle definition but... the size of their heart. Intimately, okay so it helps if you have a shtick, I prefer to look at it rather than weird flaps (for lack of better words). However, I don't care how big of thighs you got... get what I'm saying? Nice sex is well, still nice afterall. One could be 100 or 300 lbs, if I'm really looking at you naked, it's because I already like what I've seen from your actions, emotions and other non-physical expressions. If I didn't, I'd feel too uncomfortable looking at you naked (I'm quite shy despite my romantic tendencies and displays of affection) and would probably stumble over my words quite a bit. It doesn't mean that you're bad looking or even too hot (which makes me even more embarrassed, quite honestly), it's just... I'm not ready to look at you that way because... I want it to be because I know you want it and value me enough that you got me naked first... or something to that extent. I'm really hard to get out of my pants (I never sleep fully naked, lolol) so... you gotta be like dynamite to blow away all my humility. It's why I like guys willing to have their egos lifted and show their self confidence, especially if they are morally rounded enough to admit that I've helped them to feel that way. That's the biggest reward for me... helping others to reach their greatest possible selves. Yeah, yeah... I'm weird xP.
I find it ironic yet oddly fitting that my birthmonth is the LGBT Pride Month in the United States of America (where I reside) and my birthday itself is an International Autistic Pride Day. Yes, I am mostly gay and also partially autistic, go figure! Nothing really else to say on that topic though, I just happen to be mildly amused by the fact :3.
More rambling a little later, can't really commit to more brain-picking at this moment. See you soon~.
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