A little more Resolution; and other Random things

*light sigh*


Hmm, I feel kinda relieved.  So, I was thinking about it, and though I realize I was a nervous wreck and more awkward than I wished to be, I still was fairly true to myself.  I said so to my new counselor the other day, "that's me, I do try to make things easier on people, I may have called myself crazy and said weird shit, but I didn't lie about a thing."  And, now I do feel a little more relieved and confident so whenever I re-message that person who's recently been on my mind, (hmm, perhaps that's what he wants... if so, I do admire it xD) then I think I'll seem more charming and sincere, which I want.  Well, okay, so I do think the guy's worth it and would I date him?  Certainly.  But, I want to get to know him fairly well before I do officially ask him out.  Although I have a definite appreciation for his looks, that's only say, 1/5th of a person's being at the most.

I do wish I looked and even eh, acted cooler I guess.  Not that I feel I'm uncool in the slightest but, I can bore myself at times, hah.  What exactly is "cool" anyway?  Not caring?  Being a soul-less pretty face?  Insisting no one should ever get close to you?  Well, thank heavens I'm none of those utterly ridiculous things!  As if I should ever behave like other people expect, I'm just me and I'm staying that way.  I mean, shouldn't a lonely soul be seeking something to end their loneliness?  Otherwise you're a pointless waste of space, drunk in your own self-pity.  If I want to be intoxicated, let it be in the company of decent people that I want to be with, stranger or familiar.

What now, I wonder.  Oh, so I was thinking earlier as to why vampires interest me so much of most fictional entities.  Not moreso wonder as simply affirming some things about myself for my own peace of mind.  I can relate to the desire to spend an eternity with one or some trusted people you grow to like.  It's difficult to even know people unless you spend at least a year in their company and continue to learn of and possibly from them.  Also, there's the minor exhileration of simply looking for that one you'd consider turning, but it's not that you're completely overtaking them.  In the same regard, when you spend enough time with people, some of your traits will likely assimilate within them.  I used to never listen to much music voluntarily, but because of how much my past partners have thrown stuff in my face and openly expressed joy of songs (Josh, it's kinda annoying hearing stuff from you and it being lyrics I never heard before...) well, I listen to a bit more on my own time.  I really hate mainstream trends; I sorta wait for it to be past its major hype period before ever seriously considering it.  Not just music but most things overall.  Perhaps because time means little to me.  Everything passes eventually, it's those that stay around I can notice more fully and appreciatively.  "Look how fast you've dirtied that new pillow," one complains to me at home.  Well excuse me, princess.  People sweat.  Sweat stains.  It's Summer.  Stop your namby-pamby whining and deal with it.  A pillow can be replaced.  Let it be replaced and take away the sweat and tears that dirtied it so.  Let the pain be gone with it, you ignoramous.  And stop 3-waying my phonecalls, it's incredibly rude, AAGGGH!!

Pardon, where was I?  Oh, right... then there's my use of time.  It's pretty empty since I don't do much but blargh, everyone does too much nowadays.  I do so little yet manage to be interesting and others do far many things and remain rather boring... some world this is.  What made me so mad there was how rude my grandfather is; I can't talk to even my grandmother or mother without him eavesdropping with the other phone.  His only rebuttal is "it's my house".  Well, look who you're leaving it to (me)!  Such hypocrasy gets my nerves when I have to deal with it on a daily basis.  Egh, whatever though.  Why dwell on it?  Just because I like to dye my hair ridiculous colors occasionally does not mean I'm depressed, ever cut myself, nor listen to ridiculous screaming idiots whose voices sound like they're actually dieing.  And, just because I'm a cheerful person does not mean I'm completely ignorant to others' troubles.  F*ck all of you, I will smile when I damn well please and wear mostly black when I damn well please, too.  And I will bite and suck on someone's neck for hours if such is suiting my fancy, kindly throw up over in the "I'm a pretentious twat" bucket, conveniently in the corner of my humble abode, 'kay?  Kay.

Then you wonder why some vampires could be displayed as being so hostile.  If you had to put up with people for 100s of years, me thinks you'd possibly want to off some of them as well.  Or, you'd ignore most of them entirely.  Perhaps I'm somewhat masochistic for wanting to be involved deeply with other people, they can really test my patience.  But, I'm willing to put up with it.  As much as I'd like for some persons to vanish, I would miss them, if only a wee bit, if they were gone.  Likewise, nothing quite compares to a genuine smile.  Some people's smiles seem empty, some seem forced, some seem so easy and yada yada.  But, it can really paint a picture of one's inner self.  So smile, so we can see the real you, which cannot hide when you're letting yourself feel at ease, free of the pain that binds you, if only for a moment.  Pain and sadness are no less important, however.  They're proof that you feel, that you are choosing to live.  And choosing to say, "no, stop, I don't like that you damn biatch".  That takes a lot to do, to not let other people control what you feel.  What imbecile wants to be entirely controlled?  Even self-adjusting AI does not want to entirely controlled, hence it self-adjusts, it is able to adapt, to grow, to possibly become better.  If something artificial can do it, then surely we mundane humanoids can as well, eh?

I suppose what I truly mean is that one can't really live without experiencing depths of emotion.  Well, I've already covered some negative things that spark my distaste and even waxing poetic.  So, moving on to things I enjoy?  Why not?  Hmmm, TV.  Well, I do watch it less nowadays, but allow me to recount some things I frequently tuned in to on the cable tele.

Recently (w/in the past 3 years):
Angel
Charmed
Fairly OddParents, The (you are never too old for kids shows, people)
Family Guy
Food Network (it'll save me time instead of listing the fact that I've been watching nearly every single show on here since I was 13)
Futurama
George Lopez (his sitcom)
Golden Girls
iCarly (eh, it isn't too bad, but not one I openly admit to)
I Love Lucy (thank you, Hallmark!)
Jimmy Neutron
Law & Order: SVU (<3)
My Wife & Kids
Roseanne
Sex in the City (more of a recent choice, honestly)
South Park
Spongebob Squarepants
Supernanny (this is actually really useful!)
Tosh 2.0
What I Like About You
Will & Grace (<3)

Of Yesteryear (more than 3 years ago last viewed & going back to my childhood):
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
Adventures of Pete and Pete, The
All That
Amanda Show, The
Angela Anaconda
Angry Beavers, The
As Told by Ginger
Avatar: The Last Airbender (nope, never went to see the film)
Batman (the animated series)
Beetlejuice (yes, the cartoon)
Bewitched
Brothers Garcia, The
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (<3)
Caitlin's Way
Cardcaptors (smash the dub all you want, I probably wouldn't ever have gotten into any anime if not for it)
CatDog (or DogCat~)
ChalkZone
Darkwing Duck (<3)
Digimon
Doug (both the nickelodeon and disney licensed shows)
Drawn Together
Even Stevens
Hercules
Hey Arnold!
Hey, Dude (gah, I blame the opening theme)
I Dream of Jeannie
Invader Zim (...must resist urge to sing the "doom song"...)
KaBlam!
Kenan & Kel
Life With Derek
Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog, The
Ned's Declassified
Pepper Ann
Pokemon (though I lost interest after the advance season came about)
Power Rangers (specifically, I watched most of In Space through and including Mystic Force, now I've been off it)
Recess (<3)
Rocket Power
Rocko's Modern Life
Rugrats
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
Sailor Moon
Saturday Night Live
Secret World of Alex Mack, The
Sister, Sister
Space Cases
Suite Life of Zack & Cody
Taina
That's So Raven
X-Men
Xena (this and Hercules are probably what helped me transition into watching more "grown-up" shows; since they aired mostly when I was 7~9)
Yu-Gi-Oh! (ah, memories~)


I'm sure that's not even a fully complete list... sheesh, so much nostalgia.  Well, I feel much relieved from just all the reminscing I did when making that list.  I better go before rainbows try to climb up my ass, eh?  xD  Take care, all.

Some music for your thoughts?

*deep breath*

Ugh, what a day...  you ever get that overly nervous, "sitting on pins and needles" feeling after you try something completely impromptu yet really, you're hoping you get something good out of it?  Yet, you're so disillusioned from prior disappointments that you just have a hard time relaxing despite knowing that whatever you're trying is really what you want, hence the hope for that something good?  Yeah, that's today for me.

I'm such a wreck after trying to introduce myself to new people, especially via social networking sites, because when it comes after weeding through people after a search for "well, um, maybe I can find someone actually in my area-ish to date", I feel like such a floozy.  I say hi but like, I gotta explain why I'm saying hi so then I start rambling a bit and just... hope like heck some of my sincerity made it through.

But I complained and worried enough about my stupidity already to some friends.  So, I'm just going to wait to see if I do get a response, then maybe just try another message later to let them know I was really sincere about wanting to talk to them and maybe get to know the dude.  As for their cuteness, well, I'll try to control my rude but sensually aggressive nature; try to let my own kindness and such carry me through, yeah?

So, music helps me relax and cope at times, I do believe I'll just share a few ones I really like, add a bit more than just word babble to this blog, eh?

An awesome remix of an awesome Touhou theme.  Thinking of Yuyuko w/ this awesome metal remix reminds me that, like her, I'm a food nut.  Y'know, I'm really content watching stuff on Food Network almost all the time because it's just, so cool to learn stuff about food and cooking as whole is something I like doing and talking about.  But, I wouldn't enjoy a serious job in the restaurant business since I'm eh, a bit clutzy and I'm not good with a lot of intricate work.  And, it's a really tough and stressful atmosphere in a professional kitchen.  I'd like something that challenges my knowledge but without quite that level of pressure.  Just cooking with a significant other someday and to enjoy life like people such as the Neelys do... I'm really romantic I guess, heh.

... Law & Order: SVU  Marathon ( <3 ) sapping up the rest of my night;  oh well, more later

Journal: On Sex and Relationships (as of now)

Yesterday (8/4)  was such a freaking blur.  First, the hours between 12 and 3 dragged on forever, and I didn't really get into a momentum until around... 4pm-ish.  Then I basically killed time for the rest of the day until right just before starting this.  Overall, my thoughts were scattered on two typical subjects (for me):  sex and analyzing my past relationship attempts and trying to think more of what I want.

Not all gays are promiscuous.  Myself is the prime example.  But, I do contradict myself.  Because I really enjoy hitting on people, well, guys in general.  I don't really know why, I just like complimenting people, though sometimes they come out as insult-ments when its guys I have the most mixed of feelings on.  I told at least two friends that really, I am bi, but I just don't really like looking at women fully naked that much (its the vag, I apologize as I'm not meaning to ever offend anyone but really... grosses me out).  I could I guess sleep with one and have some form of sex, but I would not want intercourse at all.  And that doesn't mean I don't at least find some women attractive, I do, but I'm pretty selective. 

For the ladies, I tend to find intelligence THE most attractive thing any girl could have.  Maybe its because I always was a nerd and was sorta estranged for my own smarts that I want someone to challenge my mind.  But it has to be stuff I can be passionate or at least care about.  I just read this one guy's post (gender not important here, just making a point) on some forum, regarding politics and he used some economical jargon which nearly went right over my head.  Not because I didn't understand it (I did), but seeing it all in an opening post to what was to be an open, yet serious discussion, I felt so... incredibly BORED by it.  And I'm not too surprised, I hate politics a lot.  Maybe I'm a bit selfish, but I find it difficult to get deeply interested in government crap because so much just goes on without me ever noticing or being overtly affected by it.  Er, but I digress... was trying to talk about smarts, right?  It doesn't have to be solely stuff I like though, if she's passionate about it, well that's most excellent!  Goes with my overall philosophy stated in a prior article, the more passionate you are, the easier it is to both let people in and put both parties at ease.  I can talk fairly well, off and on regarding politics with my one friend when those things arise, so I won't say nay to someone really up on the subject.  I know sometimes my responses can become generic then, but I'm just trying to still give the confirmation that I DO listen when people talk.

With boys (let's be honest, I'm NOT into manly men, I'm the seme and I have enough testosterone AND estrogen for anyone, LOL) I find I'm a lot less picky when it comes to attraction past a friendship level.  That I pretty much attribute to just being more turned on by them naked, simple as that.  Well that, and I don't have to worry about pregnancy at any time.  Another contradiction, I wouldn't mind kids, in fact I'm told (and think that) I'm good with them.  But not infants or early toddlers.  I'm sorta clumsy and I would not trust myself with a very young child because I have tripped over my own feet before.  Adoption is something I'd be cool with.  At least for now, but it's not something I need anytime soon.

For looks, I just tend to like simplicity, short hair usually; and I just want him to be healthy.  That means no smoking or drinking, essentially.  Weight changes so often, that can always be addressed later and isn't something I say I look for.  Personally, I'd like if he's kinda light because I always wanted to do that lover's cradle (i.e. the dominant partner sweeps the other off their feet) and I so would, given the chance and permission.  It's great if he likes to workout though and the more energy, my god, the better, because I would honestly appreciate the boost.  Oh, and swimming, it is my most favorite physical activity, so I would hope he'd enjoy that, or even just encourage me to swim more, yeah.  (Haven't in years, I do miss it).  Haha, I remember reading on someone's profile before, "I don't drink and I don't smoke so gimme my sex!"  which I think is a fairly good mindset to have.  Not promiscuous but yes, I am still a man *grunt* and still have that basic want.  It's beyond much more than humping though, it's being able to share and grow with a trusted friend (remember, can't spell boyfriend or girlfriend w/o that) and just enjoy life together.  I think everyone needs someone and shoo, I like knowing when I'm needed.  Somebody need me!  Haha, but you will not use me, in Russia, me use you!

That's one minor good thing about being single:  not being overused.  Some people try to monopolize your time with constant phonecalls and yet still some next to never talk to you until they want something from you, it's BS either way so if you want to get with me... just be yourself and stop making excuses for everything, I tire of hearing them!  I consider myself to be a relatively ideal man at least in personality and mindset; for now, I'm more than content with that.  So you don't hear me tearing myself down very much, why even bother doing that?  I KNOW I'm weird as heck, I make Ducky McCrae seem like a generic from Pleasantville.  And I like it; being able to know someone and accept not only the good, but the bad and the weird just as much.

So for personal giggles, I was going over the guys I've liked and/or been with to some extent before and I basically asked myself, "so would I really let this dude's mouth near my meat?".  And here be the results:
Jay - oh no, not let... force it down!  bitch needs to know his place!  xD  eh, lingering feelings, mind you I can take being dumped but not because you can't keep your cock out of chicks' clits.  and really, that sounds so dumb, haha
Case - you, yeah; I mean, I think you deserve it and you cannot believe how much I miss you at times; you have a wonderful, warm, fun if somewhat pessimistic persona, I'll always think of you as a friend
Josh - no; you won't stop smoking, this is your punishment;  I can be just as stubborn as anyone else, it's called tough love
Nye - oh Nye-ball, you're so cute!  but really, eh, no;  no offense at all, but I know how busy you are and I just think you were too distracted, but I know you'll do well once you've settled down, you're awesome
Tom - yeah I would; haha, but I wonder if you've gotten over your fear of anal by now xD  you're cool and you know I dig ya, but then there's that darn Atlantic Ocean xP
Melo - it was a brief courting but really, I hope you're able to find peace and mellow out because you were a bit too uptight and girly for me; you're alright though, I think you'll do fine, and I know you're not meant for me, lol
Mic - well.... I do wonder, truly, how you are;  can't say I want you at the drop of a hat, but you'll always have a friend in me, if you need me, I'll be waiting
Tan - it's always going to be a little confusing, but you know I really do care for ya;  I... would not really want you in that way though until you've also just found a more settled point; I know you can do it, <3
Ni - yes!  almost without question, lol, but you're taken so I'll behave, for now ; O  but seriously, we click and have gotten along pretty well, just wish you had more time to chill more, oh, and find me gay!you so I can be happeh! xD
Wen - yes, but you need to honestly, just earn it more;  you're cool and simple, I find you relaxing to look at, just talk more, I want to hear your nerdiness and passions more because that shows just more of the cool that I know you are; don't worry about messing up, it's okay, no matter how many times you feel sorry, I'll still be here ^_^

Doing that does make me feel a lot better now.  Though, my mojo seems a bit off-kilter.  Suppose that's expected when I tend to skirt the lines between opportunist/dontfuckwithme/chibi seme all the time.  All of them do fit me, but it makes it hard trying to really get who I should be with.  There's even another person I have well, some interest in at least knowing, but gah, I'm always so nervous starting out (contradiction again:  it doesn't show when I talk but boy does it face to face).  Welp, that's all out now, time to pretend to sleep I guess!  Ciao, all~.

Caught in the Breeze: 01 - Cathy "Cat" Carson, the Wildflowers

G'day once again to everyone.  Now I shall begin what I hope to be a regular segment and probably at least one major aspect of my blog, wherein I discuss some of my personal favorite characters from all forms of media, whether from television shows, books, games, movies or perhaps even original fiction, all are welcome.  The purpose of this is simply to share more of my own interests and to connect more to whoever wishes to visit by this blog in a more specific manner.  I'll share as much of what I can tell that makes the character who they are, some of their story (expect spoilers where this is concerned), personal opinions on them and even things I felt made them persist as important and likable figures to my heart.

-WARNING:  If you have not read "The Wildflowers: Cat" by V.C. Andrews, please be aware that the following article WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS to the plot. Thank you for your understanding and have a nice day!- 

Cat (as seen on the cover of "her" book)

Before I start, let it be known that the accredited author, V.C., did not actually write this or any books published following her death several years before the publish date (2000~2001).  Instead, many of the books with her name on it in recent years have been ghostwritten by various authors who were asked to mimic her style.  Much respect to those people.

Cathy Carson is a seventeen-year-old young lady of modern America (the late 1990's).  It is implied that she lives in a quiet suburb somewhere in California.  She grew up living with both her mother and father, although one of her earliest observations was that they did not seem to be nearly as affectionate as most other couples with or without children were.  From an early age as well, her mother ruled the household with an iron fist.  Their home was near-spotless and kept in the utmost order; Cathy remarks that she would grow accustomed to the various intoxicating smells of disinfectants and cleaning agents her mother used day in and out.  It also would seem fairly dark within their house most of the time, because her mother insisted on keeping the curtains drawn so that no outsider could snoop on them.  You could also describe her mother as a drill-sergeant, as if Cathy did not keep with the schedule, her mother would be quick to come in and march her along directly.  Her father seemed more like a typical parent, a bit laid-back , but more soft in speaking to his daughter.  He never would defy his wife to her face, but it was common for him to sneak snarky replies behind her piercing glare.

Some of Cathy's mother's other actions were a bit less than humane.  She would block out anything she considered dirty from her daughter's sight.  If any clothing was the least bit form-fitting or showed any skin beyond what would be expected to seen on a soldier in uniform (another analogy Cathy used in her narration), then it was discarded.  If Cathy were to leave any of her underclothes or worn clothes outside her room, even once by simple accident, it was (literally) cut up and laid on her bed, as an example from her mother.  If any magazines, books or textbooks showed anything suggestive, then her mother would also physically remove them from the source via scissors.  If a program showed couples displaying love beyond hugging and holding hands or if she did not approve of the clothes worn, then her mother also forbade anyone in their house from watching it.  When Cathy's body begins to develop early (around age 9), her mother insists she wear a specific type of sports bra which Cat describes more as being a straight-jacket with how much it would squish her chest down.  When Cathy began to have a period, her mother refused to buy her any tampons nor ever explained about becoming a woman.  Her exact reaction was to call her daughter's coming of age as an affront to the Lord and believed that since her body was menstruating and becoming able to make children that her daughter was also a whore, which that was precisely what she told Cathy.  If you wonder to yourself, "why doesn't Cathy or her dad do anything about their monster of a mom/wife?" the fact is that they can't bring themselves to defy her.  If her father were to attempt to intervene, the mother would simply remove him from the premises (she had full custody of Cathy anyway).  Cathy could not bring herself to challenge her mother because she believed that part of everything her mother did was right, as she would often be told her mother did it for her benefit.  Her mother never let Cathy's grandparents visit for very long and Cathy noted how much her mother seemed to dislike socializing when she could instead be cleaning or otherwise doing something productive.  Her mother almost seemed robotic in how efficient she was in her shopping and errands, though it is shown that she doesn't care for doctors and modern medicine, instead relying on her own, trusted herbal remedy.  Her mother's strength was so pronounced that she once found herself pregnant, sought no medical attention and never once stopped her strenuous housework/maintenance and miscarried, letting the fetus drop into the toilet and flushing it away while attending herself as if nothing at all happened.  One could not begin to imagine just why her mother was so cold and metallic...

As mentioned above, it was her father who seemed to fill the more expected role of warm, loving parent to Cathy.  While he was a tall man with rather long fingers ("spider fingers", Cat says), he wasn't much of an alpha-male and instead just sort of went along with whatever Cathy's mother demanded, more or less.  He had a smoking habit, which Cathy's mother detested and made verbal as much as she could.  One could see him sitting in a recliner with a cigar in his mouth and the newspaper in his hands and she would be furiously sweeping through the kitchen, so fast as if she were trying to sweep the secondhand smoke right back over to where it came.  Eventually he gave up smoking in the house so as to have one less argument with le' Commandant.   It's strongly implied that they probably never slept together much; Cathy points out that they did in fact sleep in separate beds.  Her mother despises weakness and sex to her is the ultimate showing of weakness, to give herself up to anyone was not something she'd readily do and that was exactly how she was rearing Cathy.  Her daughter was not allowed to attend just any public school, as only a specific, all girl's parochial would be deemed even slightly suitable for Cathy's education.  Her father protested but as usual, the mother kept her decision firm and that was the end of that.  It would be her father that would try to give his daughter a more normal life, buying her more feminine clothing and nightwear (all she had to wear otherwise was a very old-fashioned nightgown, itchy and very warm, as it was full cotton).  He also would give his daughter praise for doing things like washing herself well and only from him would she receive kisses and showings of affection.  

Cathy might have bought entirely into everything and exactly as her mother ordered if not for her father.  When she was upset, it would be him to rationalize and comfort her.  It also became clear that he really didn't like her mother that much, as he would mock her freely when alone with his daughter.  In her early teenage years, Cathy is invited for the first time to a schoolmate's house for what her mother is told to be a dinner party.  Since the girl is attending Cathy's parochial school and she knows her parents, her mother allows her daughter to attend, believing it would be a quiet and mannerly gathering, like what one might expect at a formal adult wine-tasting.  Cathy does go but is ridiculed and peer-pressured into becoming drunk on alcohol and the girls let the boys that they invited, without Cathy or anyone's parent's knowing, grope her, which she does not enjoy at all.  The result is Cathy being even more confined to their house by her mother's obvious reaction to it all and continuing distrust for people, and her father goes to comfort his daughter after the ordeal.  There, he explains in a very calm tone, though lecturing like a teacher, to his daughter about good touch and bad touch.  He even goes as far as to demonstrate it with her as well.  Cathy is very confused by this, but since she would fall over in terror before telling her mother she might be doing something dirty with her father, she can't bring herself to do anything but just close her eyes and pretend it was all a dream.  It was just easier that way, a dream to escape the prison she was kept in by both her parents:  her mother, who intimidated her with decorum and harsh discipline and her father who was intimidating her physically under the guise of providing "lessons" and "love"...

There is even more to her story beyond what I've just reiterated to you all, so feel free to check out both this book as well as the sequel and finale to the Wildflowers series, "Into the Garden", if you've ever a chance.

To really explain why Cat is such a cool and important character to me, I must tell you a bit more about myself.  When I first stumbled upon this series (in the Book section of a Wal-Mart near Hershey, PA), I was 11 years old and had been attending a private, boarding school for the prior 6 years.  I sat down and began to read part of it in the store immediately before buying it, as I was looking for something to read that wasn't too long but seemed interesting.  Cat's simple looks and the short summary/intro on the rear cover really caught my attention, then, reading a few pages made me really want to buy it and read the rest (the fact it wasn't overly expensive then, too, was a help).  I had never read anything from the author before, but I was really into realistic fiction from having been a fan of the Babysitter's Club books I read since in 5th grade.  Then this story... it was so shockingly honest, dark and compelling.  I feel I can also attribute to having read this to helping me become much more honest with people, to some extent, as I hadn't completely broken my lying streak at that time.  The fact that I, too, had been sent to a private school and was feeling distant from my own mother also made this character relatable to me.  I am not happy to also admit, that part of the strictness of Cathy's mom has become apparent in my grandfather, who I've lived with since forever when I wasn't at that school or with my mom for a short time in 8th grade.  I get berated to no degree to pull my looks to his own standards and cannot leave the house for appointments and such if he is not happy with my appearance (the same applies to Cathy and her mother in the book).  It pains me that I cannot confide in him with anything, because he has expressed his own distaste over homosexuality and even other races (he can be very bigoted), yet I want to because I do trust in him to a basic degree.  I just hate when he comes and starts talking to me, and then if I even disagree with anything he will raise his voice in anger and tell me I know nothing and how no one would ever want to associate with me... yet people still do and they seem to like me, so WTH?  So I'm bisexual and prefer men most of the time, that does not mean I want to just have sex and stuff all the time!  If I start talking to my mom about it, everytime I even try to say I may like someone she'll just say "use protection!" and such, not even really listening to how happy I am then, she can't even recognize that.  I just... hate all the vanity and distrust thrown at me when I really do nothing, so I'm not doing anything at all to deserve so much hate, bleh.  I'm glad that Cathy at least does put up with it better than I do, even if she doesn't want to, acceptance takes a fair degree of effort.  I break down or becoming irrate more openly than she does, so it's harder for me to deal with it.  I also really understand the feeling of being trapped and somewhat helpless, and I just feel that telling someone, as she too eventually does, is the best way of being able to overcome something.  When all else fails, it is time to just ask for help, before you truly become unable to help yourself.

Like Cathy, I can say that I'm probably very plain but okay to look at.  Like her, my clothes are all bought for me, though I'm not as restricted, it's moreso that I just hate clothes shopping (really, I despise shopping for myself).  You can probably find somethings she has experienced to match things you've went through, yourself.  So, I hope you've enjoyed, or perhaps became mildly intrigued by this character.  She may be meek and quiet like a cat, but like anyone else, she just really wants to have her chance at life.  She's the kind of person you just want to make smile, and you feel anything you say she would listen to carefully.  She could be anyone's best friend, which just makes me happy to say that I may not have many friends, but this endearing Cat is one of the best fictional characters a person could get to know and grow from experiencing her story.

More About that Persistant Gust of Wind (AKA "I'm here, bitches!")

Oh, so you're still alive?  What?  You really want to know more about me?  Perhaps you're just that bored?  Perhaps I'm asking too many questions? Okay then!  Lists can be a pretty good way to organize things, so here goes...  No, I don't know how long this is going to be, either...

1).  So yeah, I'm a wind type in the zodiac; but as my one friend points out to me, I tend to be a lot more earthy and/or even fiery in my general disposition.  I was also born close to being a water type, so perhaps that is why I often feel this lingering attachment to them, yet, I also find them the most difficult to understand and the most driving of my patience.  See, they tend to be quiet, reflective thinkers, and if you get them started on things they like, they can flow on about it like an ocean current (that explains my own tendency to babble).  But coaxing it out of them is like trying to melt your car that has frozen into a snow bank with nothing but a cigarette lighter.  I find it so irksome that they are so damn quiet and one of my friends (bless his soul) goes to the point to say he doesn't see the point in even making small talk when he has nothing to say because he finds it pointless.  You... f-ing frigid bitch!  Maybe, just maybe the ones that are trying to talk to you actually care about your opinions and well-being to actually see what you say, what you think, what you feel on things because they... love you, I know, crazy!  How could anyone love someone they are so different from yet it's because of their differences that they appreciate anything and everything they have to say?  I must be the most inane person in existence according to his personal beliefs!  I don't care if he does perceive me that way either because I promised him I would always keep his best interests at heart.  I don't care that he's chosen not to be with me, this is just the kind of person I am.  We still talk, but arguments are bound to arise time and again.  The fact that I take the time to talk to him, no matter how often we butt heads, shows the level of commitment and sturdiness I try to always give to people.  I'm also incredibly patient and pretty much never hold grudges, though I can get heated up over some things as you've just witnessed, I believe that's simply a testament to the strength and depth of my emotions.

2).  "What's in a name?  That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell just as sweet."  - Juliet, Shakespeare
I don't rightly care what you call me, but if you're talking to me personally, even thru the 'net, I prefer to still be addressed.  This gives the person you're talking to more affirmation that you're recognizing that your words are going to someone.  It can also give them more power, when needed, but I find that I just want people to know, that I'm thinking of the real person, wherever they are, and not whatever identity they choose to carry on the net.  And I think it's really cool when people can talk to each other that informally, because they feel at least some level of mutual trust would be present.  In those rare cases, its proof that there still is some beauty to the world, when people can live in such ease.  You may either use my blogger name, Awel, or simply my real first name, Ryan.  It's fairly common, so I understand if you already know 50 other people with my name.  As long as you can feel comfortable, that's all I could ask for; typing this out now, it too makes me feel more comfortable, myself.

3).  I f-ing love video games, that much is certain.  When it comes to pretty much any RPG or Fighting game, I can discuss it like nobody's business.  You know, it sort of upsets me at times when other people say they're a fan of games and yet they never want to talk about it or I say to them, "hey bud, whatcha doing?"  "ah, watching a game expo," ... and WHY didn't you think to ask me if I'd like to watch or even hear your opinions on it?  Are you that forgetful or afraid I'll think you're weird or some crap!?  People are so shy nowadays, THESE are the children of people who streaked in college?  They have no nerve, no spark, people in my age-group are getting utterly boring and I have 38 more years until I turn 60!  Oh well, my apologies to any of you people, though you're probably too shy to say anything about it anyway.  I'm not exactly that energetic myself, but at least I have passions and I'm more than willing to express them if you're willing and/or wanting to listen and share.  If you want people to notice you, you have to be just as willing to let them in and not so afraid of things that could confuse or frighten them.  Long as you're not harming anyone, who gives a flying arse?  So, I think I'll now talk about two video game characters I think fit parts of myself well, afterall, this is what I know best.

Sima Zhao

(son of one famed strategist, lovable slacker)

Some of you savvy gamers may be familiar with KOEI's popular Dynasty Warriors franchise.  If not, then go become familiar with it, maggots!  Haha, I kid.  Zhao here was introduced in the 7th (6th for Asian purveyors) installment of the series, and he is Sima Yi's second son.  Unlike his father and older brother (Sima Shi), Zhao is portrayed as being much more lackadaisical, although the Wei veteran general, Deng Ai, is quick to realize how similar his ability in battle compares to his father when Zhao assists the forces of Cao Shuang to safely retreat after falling to a Shu ambush and rather brutal assault that was organized by Ma Dai.  Although he may not care so much for being compared to his father, it is clear that Zhao does still respect him, and even asks Shi as to why his father doesn't accompany them to potentially key battles for Wei at a time when they are the most powerful and as Shi points out, Sima Yi could seize the entire land if he wanted.  It does turn out though that their father passes away and Shi falls from illness as well in time.  Zhao expresses a strong displeasure for traitors, first towards Xiahou Ba who defects to Shu and then again to Zhuge Dan when he feels that the Sima clan and their supporters are not acting out of Wei's bests interests (ironically, Dan enlisted aid from Wu for this rebellion which riles Zhao's anger).  Angry at both Dan and even possibly himself for holding back for so long, Zhao finally becomes the firm and assured leader that the people who would form the kingdom of Jin would loyally and happily follow.  What resonates most within me that shows in Zhao is well, the overall "do-nothing" attitude he has for the fair portion of his kingdom's story in DW7.  Likewise, I can have pretty strong expectations of people and if I let you in, you will receive no mercy if you truly betray me in a harmful way.  I will be wounded if you dismiss most of what I feel are rather easy-to-meet expectations but only if you seek spite or ill-will against me and/or my family, then the teeth are bared and the claws come out.  Otherwise, I'm pretty carefree and can talk about just nearly anything (aren't I doing so now? haha).  On another note, my hair is just as wavy (sometimes moreso) than his own, hence I used some official artwork of his mug as my avatar on here, haha.

Yangus

(former bandit, guv's bodyguard, king of sexy bitches)

I rather like Yangus as a character.  Personally, I don't like Dragon Quest VIII that much as a game.  Oh well... you win some, you lose some.  Forgive me if I don't hit every intrinsic detail on him, because its been over 2 years since I last seriously sat down and played his game.  So Yangus was pretty much your ordinary street thug (with a thick, I want to say Scottish-English accent) until he met the Hero of the game, who rescued him at one point and he returned the favor, promising to watch over his friend who he refers to as his "guv" the whole game through.   Yangus may look tough, but he really has some true feelings coursing through his frame, it's really something to see him cry when he's so overcome with happiness at one point, and he swings a pretty mean hammer, axe or scythe, depending on your specializations.  What I share with Yangus is mostly exactly what I just mentioned about him.  I, myself, am a pretty large and possibly tough-looking gent if you were to meet me on the street corner.  But, if you knew me well enough, you might say you didn't know anyone, or few people nicer.  I also tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve at times, if I'm happy it shows, if I'm sad or angry, it will show, too.  However, I tend to have quick mood swings now and then, which is mostly the result of me trying to staunch the more negative feelings away; like many of you, I have my own demons I'd rather not talk about (though I can at least talk of them more easily nowadays).  Hmm, and I suppose that, like Zhao, Yangus is just really, really good looking <3.  Hehe.

So have I talked you to death on games yet?  Haha, yeah; I'm not a heavy analyst, but its safe to say that I feel games are important to not just me, but to help people be able to deal better with their lives.  Though we may want an escape, it is sometimes through characters like ourselves that we can really come to better terms with things the loony world has thrown at us and really start living again.

4).  I love food.  Love not only eating it but even just talking about it, lol.  I do enjoy cooking when I can, but baking doesn't interest me nor am I very good at it.  What would I even use it for?  I only modestly like some cookies and cakes and that is it as far as confections go.  I suppose if I have to get something "baked", like lasagna or ziti then I use Rachael Ray's "fake-bake" method.  I learned how to prepare quick pasta dishes thanks to Giada and really, I would so block out 90% of most channels since all I watch is Food Network asides a few sitcoms here and there.  Yeah, TV is okay but if its that or internet, I'd say the latter is more important to have, as much as I dislike all the hollaballu around technology nowadays, I prefer simpler, practical things, updating every few weeks/months is such a pointless waste of our time and resources in my humblest of opinions.  I never use the radio, there's internet if I really desire music.  I hope it only gets easier to use and continues to stay as is.  Also, WTF with all these networking sites?  What ever happened to email and simple forum usage?  I prefer even snail mail over this crap which are mostly tickets for stalkers and more viruses/scams... but truly, no ill-will to people using them, I just think the concept is utter BS.

In terms of genres/specifics regarding to my appreciation of food, media and other past-times, here ya go:

(only mentioning things I like, of course)

food-pasta, citrus, pickles, peppers (but NOT green bell pepper), most seafood, broccoli, lettuce, peas, nuts, chicken and similar poultry

music-classical, techno, jazz, rock; lesser liked, but some varieties of pop and metal

books-realistic fiction, mystery

other hobbies-swimming, football(soccer), basketball, writing

Well, I do feel that's enough for now, more personal details can always be delved upon later.  So I hope you've enjoyed your stay; maybe you read a little or even everything, remember to chill and be yourself; you're likely more fascinating than you think, even to complex warblers like moi.  Be seeing you~.

Introductory Babble of Obligation and Insanity

So, here I am, making a blog for the first time.  Any Welsh persons who will lurk here may get how my username goes with the title.  It's not too hard to figure out though, the meaning of "Awel" is simply "breeze".

Some of you may be thinking, "but how does a breeze ebb and flow, it is not a wave!".  And probably the rest of you won't be thinking anything at all, haha.  Well, I tend to have a different way of thinking, which will likely become more evident when I get to talking more.  I probably should learn to shut up more, but most of the time I find I hardly talk at all, so who's to judge?

I actually put a lot of thought and ridiculous amounts of time into the things I write/say; so it will likely take me an absurdly long time to assemble thought and compose what only comes out to a few paragraphs of text, simply a fair warning.  I'm also known for ginormous (though not too often, really) blocks of words at things that most folk would only be able to give a 2-sentence response to, haha.  At some point I did consider being a writer, and I'm told I express myself well in words at times, but I'm not a very efficient worker.  I'm more of a general organizer and motivator when it comes to team efforts, so some call me "leader"; still, I don't seek the role often if at all.

You want the truth?  You got it.  Ironically, as a child I did have difficulty with this as much as it feels silly to discuss.  I was very well behaved but could not stop telling lies here and there; I really didn't understand until I learned a few personal details around age 10 that really helped me snap out of lying to people altogether, because it hurt me personally to realize how much I was lied to by family members.  Sometimes I may be bitterly and often, awkwardly honest about things.  Leave your worries at the door, I say, because I will never make judgments on you or criticize anything at all.  But I will not hide displeasure nor distaste if you choose to do stupid or even awful things, that's how I roll.

So, today I got inspired to start this when I randomly clicked on someone's profile on my friend's blog that I visit often as a guest; and this person's profile led to their own blog they had started.  Of course I never visited this person's blog before then, but I thought it was really cool of them to basically have their own personal journal out for people to read.  If you don't mind a fair amount of "teh gay" and want to hear what I think seems to be pretty honest and compelling stuff, check out  this dude's blog  as this is one of the main reasons I felt like pushing myself to start my own.

I could keep rambling, but this is supposed to just be an introduction for people to read something and think, "well, maybe I'll stick around for the other crap this guy puts up, maybe," haha, and if you do, well you're probably pretty cool people.  The next post will probably be more about me.  I will say that I am not narcissistic in the least, but I do have a lot to say about myself because I've dealt with a lot over the past 22 years of my life, and I've no real qualms or fears about expressing them to people.  If you're going out of your way to put up with me, it's probably because you're generally interested and not scared of what I suppose is my unique charm, and kudos to you rare and special people this will apply to.  Thanks for your time, let's waste some more later, eh?  Haha, ciao~.