Yesterday (8/4) was such a freaking blur. First, the hours between 12 and 3 dragged on forever, and I didn't really get into a momentum until around... 4pm-ish. Then I basically killed time for the rest of the day until right just before starting this. Overall, my thoughts were scattered on two typical subjects (for me): sex and analyzing my past relationship attempts and trying to think more of what I want.
Not all gays are promiscuous. Myself is the prime example. But, I do contradict myself. Because I really enjoy hitting on people, well, guys in general. I don't really know why, I just like complimenting people, though sometimes they come out as insult-ments when its guys I have the most mixed of feelings on. I told at least two friends that really, I am bi, but I just don't really like looking at women fully naked that much (its the vag, I apologize as I'm not meaning to ever offend anyone but really... grosses me out). I could I guess sleep with one and have some form of sex, but I would not want intercourse at all. And that doesn't mean I don't at least find some women attractive, I do, but I'm pretty selective.
For the ladies, I tend to find intelligence THE most attractive thing any girl could have. Maybe its because I always was a nerd and was sorta estranged for my own smarts that I want someone to challenge my mind. But it has to be stuff I can be passionate or at least care about. I just read this one guy's post (gender not important here, just making a point) on some forum, regarding politics and he used some economical jargon which nearly went right over my head. Not because I didn't understand it (I did), but seeing it all in an opening post to what was to be an open, yet serious discussion, I felt so... incredibly BORED by it. And I'm not too surprised, I hate politics a lot. Maybe I'm a bit selfish, but I find it difficult to get deeply interested in government crap because so much just goes on without me ever noticing or being overtly affected by it. Er, but I digress... was trying to talk about smarts, right? It doesn't have to be solely stuff I like though, if she's passionate about it, well that's most excellent! Goes with my overall philosophy stated in a prior article, the more passionate you are, the easier it is to both let people in and put both parties at ease. I can talk fairly well, off and on regarding politics with my one friend when those things arise, so I won't say nay to someone really up on the subject. I know sometimes my responses can become generic then, but I'm just trying to still give the confirmation that I DO listen when people talk.
With boys (let's be honest, I'm NOT into manly men, I'm the seme and I have enough testosterone AND estrogen for anyone, LOL) I find I'm a lot less picky when it comes to attraction past a friendship level. That I pretty much attribute to just being more turned on by them naked, simple as that. Well that, and I don't have to worry about pregnancy at any time. Another contradiction, I wouldn't mind kids, in fact I'm told (and think that) I'm good with them. But not infants or early toddlers. I'm sorta clumsy and I would not trust myself with a very young child because I have tripped over my own feet before. Adoption is something I'd be cool with. At least for now, but it's not something I need anytime soon.
For looks, I just tend to like simplicity, short hair usually; and I just want him to be healthy. That means no smoking or drinking, essentially. Weight changes so often, that can always be addressed later and isn't something I say I look for. Personally, I'd like if he's kinda light because I always wanted to do that lover's cradle (i.e. the dominant partner sweeps the other off their feet) and I so would, given the chance and permission. It's great if he likes to workout though and the more energy, my god, the better, because I would honestly appreciate the boost. Oh, and swimming, it is my most favorite physical activity, so I would hope he'd enjoy that, or even just encourage me to swim more, yeah. (Haven't in years, I do miss it). Haha, I remember reading on someone's profile before, "I don't drink and I don't smoke so gimme my sex!" which I think is a fairly good mindset to have. Not promiscuous but yes, I am still a man *grunt* and still have that basic want. It's beyond much more than humping though, it's being able to share and grow with a trusted friend (remember, can't spell boyfriend or girlfriend w/o that) and just enjoy life together. I think everyone needs someone and shoo, I like knowing when I'm needed. Somebody need me! Haha, but you will not use me, in Russia, me use you!
That's one minor good thing about being single: not being overused. Some people try to monopolize your time with constant phonecalls and yet still some next to never talk to you until they want something from you, it's BS either way so if you want to get with me... just be yourself and stop making excuses for everything, I tire of hearing them! I consider myself to be a relatively ideal man at least in personality and mindset; for now, I'm more than content with that. So you don't hear me tearing myself down very much, why even bother doing that? I KNOW I'm weird as heck, I make Ducky McCrae seem like a generic from Pleasantville. And I like it; being able to know someone and accept not only the good, but the bad and the weird just as much.
So for personal giggles, I was going over the guys I've liked and/or been with to some extent before and I basically asked myself, "so would I really let this dude's mouth near my meat?". And here be the results:
Jay - oh no, not let... force it down! bitch needs to know his place! xD eh, lingering feelings, mind you I can take being dumped but not because you can't keep your cock out of chicks' clits. and really, that sounds so dumb, haha
Case - you, yeah; I mean, I think you deserve it and you cannot believe how much I miss you at times; you have a wonderful, warm, fun if somewhat pessimistic persona, I'll always think of you as a friend
Josh - no; you won't stop smoking, this is your punishment; I can be just as stubborn as anyone else, it's called tough love
Nye - oh Nye-ball, you're so cute! but really, eh, no; no offense at all, but I know how busy you are and I just think you were too distracted, but I know you'll do well once you've settled down, you're awesome
Tom - yeah I would; haha, but I wonder if you've gotten over your fear of anal by now xD you're cool and you know I dig ya, but then there's that darn Atlantic Ocean xP
Melo - it was a brief courting but really, I hope you're able to find peace and mellow out because you were a bit too uptight and girly for me; you're alright though, I think you'll do fine, and I know you're not meant for me, lol
Mic - well.... I do wonder, truly, how you are; can't say I want you at the drop of a hat, but you'll always have a friend in me, if you need me, I'll be waiting
Tan - it's always going to be a little confusing, but you know I really do care for ya; I... would not really want you in that way though until you've also just found a more settled point; I know you can do it, <3
Ni - yes! almost without question, lol, but you're taken so I'll behave, for now ; O but seriously, we click and have gotten along pretty well, just wish you had more time to chill more, oh, and find me gay!you so I can be happeh! xD
Wen - yes, but you need to honestly, just earn it more; you're cool and simple, I find you relaxing to look at, just talk more, I want to hear your nerdiness and passions more because that shows just more of the cool that I know you are; don't worry about messing up, it's okay, no matter how many times you feel sorry, I'll still be here ^_^
Doing that does make me feel a lot better now. Though, my mojo seems a bit off-kilter. Suppose that's expected when I tend to skirt the lines between opportunist/dontfuckwithme/chibi seme all the time. All of them do fit me, but it makes it hard trying to really get who I should be with. There's even another person I have well, some interest in at least knowing, but gah, I'm always so nervous starting out (contradiction again: it doesn't show when I talk but boy does it face to face). Welp, that's all out now, time to pretend to sleep I guess! Ciao, all~.
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