*light sigh*
Hmm, I feel kinda relieved. So, I was thinking about it, and though I realize I was a nervous wreck and more awkward than I wished to be, I still was fairly true to myself. I said so to my new counselor the other day, "that's me, I do try to make things easier on people, I may have called myself crazy and said weird shit, but I didn't lie about a thing." And, now I do feel a little more relieved and confident so whenever I re-message that person who's recently been on my mind, (hmm, perhaps that's what he wants... if so, I do admire it xD) then I think I'll seem more charming and sincere, which I want. Well, okay, so I do think the guy's worth it and would I date him? Certainly. But, I want to get to know him fairly well before I do officially ask him out. Although I have a definite appreciation for his looks, that's only say, 1/5th of a person's being at the most.
I do wish I looked and even eh, acted cooler I guess. Not that I feel I'm uncool in the slightest but, I can bore myself at times, hah. What exactly is "cool" anyway? Not caring? Being a soul-less pretty face? Insisting no one should ever get close to you? Well, thank heavens I'm none of those utterly ridiculous things! As if I should ever behave like other people expect, I'm just me and I'm staying that way. I mean, shouldn't a lonely soul be seeking something to end their loneliness? Otherwise you're a pointless waste of space, drunk in your own self-pity. If I want to be intoxicated, let it be in the company of decent people that I want to be with, stranger or familiar.
What now, I wonder. Oh, so I was thinking earlier as to why vampires interest me so much of most fictional entities. Not moreso wonder as simply affirming some things about myself for my own peace of mind. I can relate to the desire to spend an eternity with one or some trusted people you grow to like. It's difficult to even know people unless you spend at least a year in their company and continue to learn of and possibly from them. Also, there's the minor exhileration of simply looking for that one you'd consider turning, but it's not that you're completely overtaking them. In the same regard, when you spend enough time with people, some of your traits will likely assimilate within them. I used to never listen to much music voluntarily, but because of how much my past partners have thrown stuff in my face and openly expressed joy of songs (Josh, it's kinda annoying hearing stuff from you and it being lyrics I never heard before...) well, I listen to a bit more on my own time. I really hate mainstream trends; I sorta wait for it to be past its major hype period before ever seriously considering it. Not just music but most things overall. Perhaps because time means little to me. Everything passes eventually, it's those that stay around I can notice more fully and appreciatively. "Look how fast you've dirtied that new pillow," one complains to me at home. Well excuse me, princess. People sweat. Sweat stains. It's Summer. Stop your namby-pamby whining and deal with it. A pillow can be replaced. Let it be replaced and take away the sweat and tears that dirtied it so. Let the pain be gone with it, you ignoramous. And stop 3-waying my phonecalls, it's incredibly rude, AAGGGH!!
Pardon, where was I? Oh, right... then there's my use of time. It's pretty empty since I don't do much but blargh, everyone does too much nowadays. I do so little yet manage to be interesting and others do far many things and remain rather boring... some world this is. What made me so mad there was how rude my grandfather is; I can't talk to even my grandmother or mother without him eavesdropping with the other phone. His only rebuttal is "it's my house". Well, look who you're leaving it to (me)! Such hypocrasy gets my nerves when I have to deal with it on a daily basis. Egh, whatever though. Why dwell on it? Just because I like to dye my hair ridiculous colors occasionally does not mean I'm depressed, ever cut myself, nor listen to ridiculous screaming idiots whose voices sound like they're actually dieing. And, just because I'm a cheerful person does not mean I'm completely ignorant to others' troubles. F*ck all of you, I will smile when I damn well please and wear mostly black when I damn well please, too. And I will bite and suck on someone's neck for hours if such is suiting my fancy, kindly throw up over in the "I'm a pretentious twat" bucket, conveniently in the corner of my humble abode, 'kay? Kay.
Then you wonder why some vampires could be displayed as being so hostile. If you had to put up with people for 100s of years, me thinks you'd possibly want to off some of them as well. Or, you'd ignore most of them entirely. Perhaps I'm somewhat masochistic for wanting to be involved deeply with other people, they can really test my patience. But, I'm willing to put up with it. As much as I'd like for some persons to vanish, I would miss them, if only a wee bit, if they were gone. Likewise, nothing quite compares to a genuine smile. Some people's smiles seem empty, some seem forced, some seem so easy and yada yada. But, it can really paint a picture of one's inner self. So smile, so we can see the real you, which cannot hide when you're letting yourself feel at ease, free of the pain that binds you, if only for a moment. Pain and sadness are no less important, however. They're proof that you feel, that you are choosing to live. And choosing to say, "no, stop, I don't like that you damn biatch". That takes a lot to do, to not let other people control what you feel. What imbecile wants to be entirely controlled? Even self-adjusting AI does not want to entirely controlled, hence it self-adjusts, it is able to adapt, to grow, to possibly become better. If something artificial can do it, then surely we mundane humanoids can as well, eh?
I suppose what I truly mean is that one can't really live without experiencing depths of emotion. Well, I've already covered some negative things that spark my distaste and even waxing poetic. So, moving on to things I enjoy? Why not? Hmmm, TV. Well, I do watch it less nowadays, but allow me to recount some things I frequently tuned in to on the cable tele.
Recently (w/in the past 3 years):
Angel
Charmed
Fairly OddParents, The (you are never too old for kids shows, people)
Family Guy
Food Network (it'll save me time instead of listing the fact that I've been watching nearly every single show on here since I was 13)
Futurama
George Lopez (his sitcom)
Golden Girls
iCarly (eh, it isn't too bad, but not one I openly admit to)
I Love Lucy (thank you, Hallmark!)
Jimmy Neutron
Law & Order: SVU (<3)
My Wife & Kids
Roseanne
Sex in the City (more of a recent choice, honestly)
South Park
Spongebob Squarepants
Supernanny (this is actually really useful!)
Tosh 2.0
What I Like About You
Will & Grace (<3)
Of Yesteryear (more than 3 years ago last viewed & going back to my childhood):
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
Adventures of Pete and Pete, The
All That
Amanda Show, The
Angela Anaconda
Angry Beavers, The
As Told by Ginger
Avatar: The Last Airbender (nope, never went to see the film)
Batman (the animated series)
Beetlejuice (yes, the cartoon)
Bewitched
Brothers Garcia, The
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (<3)
Caitlin's Way
Cardcaptors (smash the dub all you want, I probably wouldn't ever have gotten into any anime if not for it)
CatDog (or DogCat~)
ChalkZone
Darkwing Duck (<3)
Digimon
Doug (both the nickelodeon and disney licensed shows)
Drawn Together
Even Stevens
Hercules
Hey Arnold!
Hey, Dude (gah, I blame the opening theme)
I Dream of Jeannie
Invader Zim (...must resist urge to sing the "doom song"...)
KaBlam!
Kenan & Kel
Life With Derek
Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog, The
Ned's Declassified
Pepper Ann
Pokemon (though I lost interest after the advance season came about)
Power Rangers (specifically, I watched most of In Space through and including Mystic Force, now I've been off it)
Recess (<3)
Rocket Power
Rocko's Modern Life
Rugrats
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
Sailor Moon
Saturday Night Live
Secret World of Alex Mack, The
Sister, Sister
Space Cases
Suite Life of Zack & Cody
Taina
That's So Raven
X-Men
Xena (this and Hercules are probably what helped me transition into watching more "grown-up" shows; since they aired mostly when I was 7~9)
Yu-Gi-Oh! (ah, memories~)
I'm sure that's not even a fully complete list... sheesh, so much nostalgia. Well, I feel much relieved from just all the reminscing I did when making that list. I better go before rainbows try to climb up my ass, eh? xD Take care, all.
No comments:
Post a Comment