I came to think a little about my past loves recently and realized that I've mostly been the same, when I'm in love. I've only dated three people (you could say three and a half as of last month but I don't quite count it since we have not once established a definite relationship) but each time... I've only been myself. The first two persons came to me in mutual interests, that is--we were friends first. And I'm not fully clear on my second relationship's beginnings, but the first was entirely the two of us realizing we wanted to go further. We were each other's first loves, despite being children. At age 11, we acted much like any other couple truly in love -- we spoke a lot with each other, laughed a lot, discovered things we never quite thought of before, we even had our own take on romantic excursions (which got me in so much trouble, haha, private school~). I suppose I take my feelings and others' so seriously because of this very strong, passionate start I had when it comes to matters of the heart. And I probably have a fondness for cute, simple things because one of my happiest memories is when my partner compared us to two magnetic kissing bear plushies they had received (from their parent, I believe, but its possible they bought them personally). The only true reason we separated was simply due to circumstance; at the end of that year, I was persuaded to leave that school due to personal issues affecting my ability to cope and function. Some of which, I'm happy to report, have mostly resolved as of late! But yeah... things could have been different, extensively so, if I never left.
But I did, and after some more odd circumstances culminating in my mother choosing to move to TX and me choosing to stay with my grandfather (since he seemed like the one who wanted me around the most out of my family over the previous 8 years of school life), I actually ended up in another relationship. This one began fairly similar, I think. I recall being friends before the fact and this one was more of a surprise when, I think, they asked me. I may have asked them though, after all, my past experience proved that friends could make fond lovers if both wanted it. And so I got to have a romantic kiss or two with a second person. I do recall liking it, but at the time, it couldn't shake the large weight that was bearing down on me. I think... part of me blames myself for my grandfather's health degradation and part of me feels my mother left me behind because she just didn't care enough about me, or that's how I used to feel, that much has (thankfully) improved. This relationship ended sooner than the last but we were able to remain at least amicable acquaintances after the fact, and that, I'm always happy to remember.
Relationship number 3... ahhhh.... I miss dis one a lot. Because the way it started was just me, looking for someone to talk to, and possibly to make a new friend. I had only gotten internet access at home about a year and a few months before randomly going on Quizilla (yeah, really) to take some quizzes in my spare time. And in doing so, I met this amazingly cute person. The funny thing is their skin (their face I recall most) was kinda funky, a few blemishes I suppose from acne perhaps but I did not once feel it detracted from their beauty. We spoke regularly for a few weeks, then formally asked if we'd like to date and both agreed. A few weeks after that, I met them on their 18th birthday, face to face, and had arguably the most amazing kiss I've ever experienced result from it. With that one kiss, I felt that this person cared for and truly wanted me, as they were (to my surprise) just ever so slightly assertive during it. Naturally, I liked it, they really knew I was there for them and let me know, "hey, I'm glad to have you, now take my tongue you big lug," hahaha (they were about 10 inches shorter than me, how adorable). You know, I should have followed this example and done so with the next person I had kissed... shhhh.... you heard nothing!
That relationship ended on some miscommunication but, going away, I don't think I did much wrong, I know I certainly intended no harm. I think I tend to reach out to people who make me think and really appreciate them as a friend before going all way. And I may run my mouth, but you know, a pure heart and a caring mind are behind it all. May the one who chooses me for their ever after, or even just until they've given me one honest try... may you know how much I want to love you, as your significant other, but still, as your friend, too.
Happiest wishes, readers. -R.B.
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