Have I mentioned I love (KOEI's interpretation of) Zhong Hui?

Because I f-ing LURVE Zhong Hui; RAH!!!!

Okay, fangasms aside, you gotta admit... that outfit is pure sex.  Stupid DLC *shakes fist*.  Now listen up all you random people... why is it that none of you can be as honest, if as conceited, as this wonderfully ambiguous specimen?  Y'know, I admire Zhong Hui's arrogance and hey, he at least tries to live up to his claims.  Granted, all he seems to want is simply to be in power, despite not really being an ideal leader to any degree beyond the fact that he is moderately talented in combat and strategy.  But this man acts superior because it is his firm belief that he is superior.  Now that's impressive.  Unwavering confidence in one's self, that's all one really needs to succeed.  And it's still cute, how he claims to be the greatest in the land (ancient China) and yet he's neither very tall nor very intimidating in appearance.  Of course, maybe I'm a little mean in finding humor over another's inflated ego.  Then again... Quinton Flynn's performance in the English voiceover as this usurper is pretty hilarious, in a good way.

On a minor note:  Zhong Hui's preferred weapon in his debut game is a considerably effective choice for both crowd control and obliterating officers with elemental attacks.  And it's hard not to appear badass with 5 levitating swords at one's beck and call.  A superior weapon for a superior officer.  P:

Modesty gets to be overrated, y'know?  I'm not saying to be a braggart by any means, but one should be more assertive, especially if one expects to get my attention.  Given that I'm among those rare "genuinely nice" specimens left in this world, seriously people, get with the bloomin' program!  Maybe you should take time out of your oh-so-busy schedules just to check on the little man--the people you haven't tried talking to yet or in quite some time.  Y'know, if someone tells me they want to talk and then they don't have anything to say is still utter BS--find something to say already!  I, personally, feel more relaxed rather than unnerved by random comments from others--at least those people are trying to share their thoughts, even if it is in a silly or sometimes meager method.

Can you understand how disheartening it is to genuinely take time to try to strike up conversations with people only to be ignored after spending an hour or longer trying to both self-edit and come across as true to oneself as is possible through the worst socializing platform--the internet?  The worst part is I am trying my damnedest to give people the benefit of the doubt.  But, too many are still too caught up in their frivolous and way-too-complicated personal lives to notice the effort.  I miss my one friend... uh, "Tres-ni" I will refer to him; and yeah, he does SO many things that it's really taxing to try to get a free moment that lasts long enough to even talk to him.  This goes on for months, I haven't spoken to him since sometime this past summer IIRC.  Of course I want to because I had this crush which will probably continue unrequited for a long while because the one time I get myself to say "well, actually I kinda sorta love you and... yeah," was shortly after he got this girlfriend recently (he's bisexual, so will you kindly SHUT UP with your wandering thoughts!?  morons~).  Well, wouldn't you know that she dumped him sometime uh, late-autumnish sorta?  I can't keep track of these dates precisely, I haven't seen my Tres-ni for about 6 months now, that's all I can muster x_x.

Well, it's not like he's local by any means, the kid lives out-of-state anyway so... I'm just trying to reach out to people in semi-near places.  Not that I'm having any luck :/.  A small handful are kinda nearby and seem like nice/cool sorts.  But they aren't making attempts to talk back at me... *sigh*.  It's tough, as I'd just be happy if they at least say, "wow, that's quite a wall of text!" to when I type so much.  If just to recognize that I did put true effort into it and I will always do so in any sort of relationship.  Even just friendship, I take so grandly because I don't really have anyone to talk to in person that I truly want to talk or spend time with, so I do resort to the internet to try to socialize a bit.  Why do people have time to update their statuses a half-dozen moments per day and yet they still can't even try to return even a smidgen of the interest I try to give them.  The support, the unbiased love; people say they want a lover, well for god's sake, earn it!  I do get a little unnerved seeing them respond to far shallower advances when they clearly deserve far better than that...  I know my heart is my best asset but try putting that down and having people take you seriously!  For once, I want to be as respected, on a consistent basis, as much as the respect and time I give to people.  I consider my friends as family in a sense, at least the few that matter (B--, T--, etc.) and try enough to behave like actual human beings, ones that are capable of some emotion or at least with tasteful decorum.

That said, blagh, I don't want to really add any more girls on this one networking site I'm trying to utilize lately.  I don't find most very well, easy to talk to unless they outright talk to me first.  All things considered, I'm also just getting tired of trying to strike up conversations with new faces... even as much as I think they might genuinely like me for well... me; an honest and simply kind person.  I'm not the smartest, the fastest, the best looking nor the richest person in this world, but I could say few people can match how much I want to be positively connected to other people.  To help them just get through their day a little easier, is it so much to ask I meet a man who can appreciate such a simple, if easy-to-overlook, trait?  And one with the sheer confidence in themself to not be afraid to accept someone as unique (or just kooky, I don't care) as myself?  That's all I really want in a boyfriend, that you never overlook the friend half of the job.  You can't truly love someone if you aren't also friends, at least, that's what I think.  Arrivederci~.

What I've Been Listening to Lately

In this instance, it's exactly as it says on the tin.

I love game music quite a lot; Quite A Lot.  So, if it pleases you, have a listen (or don't) to what I've been absorbing this past weekend and such.  Enjoy~.


Gluttony Fang (Live), Guilty GearxBlazBlue 2011:

Tartarus (all blocks), SMT: Persona 3 OST:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_vSblcklfY


Godsibb (Live), Xenosaga III OST:

Update, Hopes & Probable Nonsense

(Hey, I changed the banner thing again.  Have to say, I still really dig this picture after first seeing it probably not long after it was done; gave credit to the artist in the caption anyway so hopefully they don't mind?  Google is your friend if you want the non-cropped version.  ... and get your mind out of the gutter!  It's a tasteful image barring the obvious fanservice. xP)

Well, my grandparents aren't fighting anymore so that's good news, kinda?  Well, I guess I do understand getting a little caught up over words, it is a more common habit with my grandfather than it is for me, but I also forgive people faster so I still feel like the only sane adult around, heh.  Nothing else really new of yet to discuss about the homefront.

I wish I could connect with people in a less... awkward fashion.  I dunno, I suppose I really just worry too much on the whole thing but I'd say that just trying to set aside time to meet someone and following through is good... even if the person you're hoping to meet doesn't show.  So, I tried to make a new acquaintance the other day, basically.  He was already added to my friend list on this site for some time (probably a few weeks, I'm pretty selective on who I add to stuff), I was just browsing it recently and saw he had checked my profile (since you can see that, kinda handy I guess).  So I just thought, "well, Friday probably isn't too bad of a day to find time to talk; end of the week and that jazz," and I simply send him a message inviting him to talk with me (including relevant contact info), feeling a little motivated by the fact that their last status message was asking for people to talk to in the first place.  So, message sent and all that's left is to wait.  I logged on to the requested IM system and waited... for the better part of 11 hours.  No show.  Well, it is around the holiday time, so it's fairly possible the guy was preoccupied with various obligations and maybe also it was just a "do nothing" day for him (I have them, myself).  I'm a little down from basically wasting time sitting around doing nothing all that time (did have some conversation with a more regular friend for about half of the duration) but at least... I held up my part of the agreement, as casual and impromptu as it was.

I have been thinking of myself overall, well, just trying to pick out my good and not-so-good points, if only so I could try listing them and thus make myself seem not so hard to understand.  I generally think most people don't really expect someone who doesn't know them too well to really care how they are or even want to talk to them... so, it's difficult trying to introduce someone as well, uncommon as me.  I'm like so very simple and so extraordinarily complex at the same time, only few people really get me (and even then, not completely).  That's fine though, as long as they're willing to accept whatever parts they do get, as I will always do my best to accept as much, if not all, of them that I can.  Afterall, the only person who ever will be able to accept ALL of you is you alone; to hope otherwise is foolish and unwise, you'd be better off cloning yourself.  And we certainly know there's plenty of people who are NOT entirely comfortable with their self.  I wouldn't say I like everything about myself either, but I'm living with it, that's more than some people can say, too.

Regarding me now...

Good Points
-great level of patience (as you probably figured out, asides from casually browsing the net and chatting with one friend, I DID wait ~11 hours for a person I never even met afore...) that you probably won't find a lot of

-I'm really honest about pretty much everything, even if it doesn't make me look good (hello--blog, anyone?) which I do think shows a level of selfless righteousness, how often do you see that and are able to believe it (of course, I'm sure some people still think I'm impossible--why, thank you, I like being weird, yes!)

-I never pass judgment on people who don't give me anything to well--hate, for lack of better words; there are certain displays I certainly won't agree with but I assure you, unless you catch my attention in a positive light, then I certainly AM NOT thinking of you

-following that, I don't talk about people much when they aren't around; and I will freely pick at things I don't agree with about you, but this also shows that I find you important enough to comment on, to try to improve, or just to reach a better level of understanding for myself; sorta the bully concept, if you will, I only focus on people I actually like, leading to teasing or even scolding (that said, I don't really troll people because I don't like to spend excess time being "clever", straight up)

-I do tend to put others' well-being before my own; sometimes this shows in more iffy ways as I will explain when relevant~

-you how there's random people who think your nose is too big or too small or some other crap similar to that?  at least I'm not one of them--and I'm not saying that I'd be entirely cool with someone with severe deformities, but I generally find I tend to have a broader aesthetic appreciation range than most; as always, your mileage will vary; you've best results if you try talking to me first if you want me to "rate" you to any degree

-you may (or may not) notice that I don't use much strong language, at least considering that this blog is entirely my personal thoughts; I think that's a minor good point and if you want my opinion, I think cursing only shows your lack of self-control in the most ugly way aside from outright committing a crime or resorting to violence

-yes, I'm pretty placid I'd say; if I raise a hand against you seriously, you'll know you really upset me by the point that I've lost regards for your safety; I'm not really a fighter, but mass and gravity tends to be in my favor in most cases


Not-So-Good Points
-I'm not comfortable with those "silent" types; if you don't want to talk when I start a conversation, you better tell me outright or I will not shut up at times, for better or worse (I mean, Really people!?  it's the internet, you have every right to be as loud as you want and even tell people off as much as you want--stop being such emo doormats)

-"I don't know" is not good enough; if you don't know--think harder!  take a break, come back to it after a while and you may notice something different; but lord help you if you constantly give me "I don't know" in response to what I'm saying; at least let me know you hear me and...

-instead of "I'm sorry", try "thank you for your input" when you feel lost and can't figure what to say--I don't like people who apologize when they have done NOTHING to me to be truly sorry for; why do I mention these things as my flaws?  because I can be easily put-off if you give me these responses in a serious manner; I cannot help you if you will not try to help yourself; capisce?

-I don't care much for grammar, so please mind my way of stating things most of the time; I just try to get the point across as I'd actually say it and sometimes, even w-write in such a way if I'm really feeling uncertain to the point I would stammer the word in person; sometimes this bugs people, but I will clean it up a bit on say, forum posts

-I don't like people who pry; I will always back off when asked and I have a shorter patience for people prying into me--because honestly, it's usually nothing special to be worth your time, I can be boring, I don't need you to tell me; but sometimes I will tell you anyway--reverse psychology, and if anything, maybe you'll accrue better respect for me


In-Between Points
-I'm not the best at keeping secrets for the longest possible times, especially if it involves despicable behavior on your part and you ask me not to tell anyone; but, I won't make a big scene of it, it'd probably get dropped in a casual tone when it's easy to miss anyway--as they say, the guilt is far worse than anything so is it really fair for me to hide your crimes?  I think not; you'll only mature after you accept where you went wrong

-Sometimes I can be more of the defiant/quiet-type; especially if you don't show an adequate level of respect towards me; particularly if you repeat things you've already said; allow me to be perfectly frank--I ALWAYS HEAR YOU THE FIRST TIME; now... in the event that I don't get something, then I will kindly admit so and then you may repeat the same statement; but also, sometimes I just really can't get behind certain things, like sports usually; but if you casually bring it up and ask my opinion on it, then I will say whatever I can and freely listen to you rant... if it means that much to you, I can be happy to hear you rattle on about it, because you're happy talking about it, make sense?

-I like the concept of sex because I view it as a means to express your passions and true feelings for others; so feel free to talk about it anytime, I want you to feel comfortable that you can do so, it's a true way of knowing you feel that at ease around me; and me, I will probably hit on you (particularly the men) now and then to some degree, but if you don't like it, say so and I certainly will respect your wishes; BUT!  I am not a fan of cybersex, I have my reasons, if it's relevant when we're talking, I will tell you why


Well, that doesn't really cover everything, but I've been trucking at this entry for over 4 hours already.  I hope eventually that, whoever reads this may feel able to comment on something.  Agree or disagree, but it's not end-all be-all by any means; people change so in time I'll probably have more things to say or statements to amend.  Well, I plan to be alive for much longer than the 22.5 years I've already endured so, who really knows what will happen now. (boyfriend... boyfriend... boyfriend... still really want one but it sucks living in a remote part of the northeast US  *sigh*)

I hope you all have a wonderful winter holiday experience.  Or at least a peaceful one; take care~.

The Time of Gratitude

So, as those in the Western Hemisphere are aware, yesterday was Thanksgiving.  A simple holiday brought about for commercial reasons but maintained for much deeper reasons.  Y'know, many people have their families drive them crazy to the point of wishing they would stop living, yet on these few days in the year, they act civil (or at least try to).  It's quite something, isn't it?  Likewise, just because you don't have much of a family does not mean you cannot feel the least bit of gratitude on this day; not necessarily for just your physical family, but also for anything that really means something to you.

My grandparents are not getting along too well right now.  Well, mostly my grandfather is being immature and refuses to talk to my grandmother after she dishonored him, which would tick anyone off.  But, he lacks the will to confront people directly about it, so he just does not make any effort to contact her.  Regardless of her actions, she chose to call via the phone yesterday just to see how we (my grandfather and I) were and how our holiday was.  That was most considerate; I suppose some of those who know me better see where I get such good habits, hah.  My grandfather complains aloud that I'm difficult to live with when in fact, he does not make enough effort to ease any difficulty he may have.  Not regarding me, as I'm pretty easy-going and simple (mostly I stay in my room, eh?  mentioned this already) but hey, he doesn't want to forgive my grandmother so let him squirm.  I told him there's no harm in just talking to her but he lays there like a big baby, it's really pathetic.  When driving home from dinner (we ate out for the holiday), he HAD to (his words) pull over at a gas station to get tobacco and a soda.  Yet, he knows he's diabetic but he was all, "the tobacco and caffeine keeps me awake."  Well, HAH!  Fine, be dependent on things that will shorten your life; I voice my concerns but nope, always he ignores me on such matters regarding his own health.  Y'know, if you're so tired, then you get your own ass home to rest ASAP instead of driving around (he took a longer route to return home anyway, in part just to pick on me, he knows I hate wasting time on the road) like a nincompoop.  Suffice to say, I'm not really gaining much respect for my immediate family, but what else is new?

What I had to eat, at least, was most pleasant.  We often eat at this one buffet for the holiday(s), and so for "Thanksgiving" this year I ate:  an orzo salad, a taco salad, baked whitefish, lasagna and then some carrot cake.  Yes, it was very good, thank you for asking.  Interesting fact: I can typically get a turkey dinner on any given Sunday from a local restaurant.  So yes, I'm not really driven or wanting particularly to eat traditional foods on this holiday.  At least I got my money's worth (~$13), so that's all the better.  And if you wonder if I eat ham on Christmas or something, no, I don't.  Actually, I've given up eating pretty much all pork in general for some time.  Mostly I'm weaning unto a pesco-vegan diet and I'd be quite happy with that (no way I could give up fish but eggs and other meats--yeah, easily).  Haha, I even happen to like tofu, which I ate for the first time about two weeks prior.

Mostly, I was thankful for my friends, near and far, for being a part of my life.  There are some I have not heard from in a long while too, and I do miss them.  However, they never feel too far away, at least not when I think of them.  I may write a short story regarding a handful of them and myself, in a hypothetical situation.  Nothing too risque though, just to try to get more of my feelings out.  I find that few of them really listen when I try to speak, so sometimes it's just easier to write a short bit, imagining they were closeby and able to listen and react in-person.  Maybe then I might finally get somewhere with these brick-heads!  Haha, yeah, a number of them are rather dense/oblivious.

Ah well, that's all I suppose.  Take care, everyone.

11/16 Thoughts and Whatnot...

Hmm, lately I've been doing a lot of thinking.  Well, that's typical of me, isn't it?

The other day I was dining out in the afternoon and one gentlemen, who was probably in his late 40s, was seated at an adjacent table and speaking.  I noticed his voice was so, well, soft and lucid like a more stereotypical homo/metrosexual you'd see in the media.  It wasn't annoying though, I found it more serene and likable in comparison to other people I've heard with similar tones.  Given the opportunity, I would tell the man that I found his voice to be beautiful.  He somewhat resembles my 12th grade Economics teacher, not "hot" per se, but decent looking.  Would I date such a man if asked?  Yeah, if we got on with other interests and tastes, or at least enjoyed each others' company.  I think it's nice to be attracted to qualities like voice or maybe just the way someone talks, it shows a slightly deeper level of appreciation.

I should say that I don't just like anyone's voice all the time, however.  I find it incredibly rude to sing over a song you're listening to when others are listening to the same song.  Specifically, Karaoke is well and fine, but when you have a song on that your friends or people don't get to listen to often--let them listen to it, for lord's sake!  Plus my one friend tends to sing EVERY DAMN THING he listens to when I'm on the phone with him, even WHEN I'M TRYING TO TALK to him... it's so infuriating because it's supposed to be our time to converse and have time to listen and relax each other, not DRIVE ME INANE!!!!   I want my friends to be friendly, not ungodly annoying, especially since I'm so patient and kind to them, hah, my rage mostly gets vented out when typing these blog posts~.

Another thing in my head as well has been regarding relationships in general.  Okay, so I don't think the whole top/bottom thing is important outside sexual gratification.  If you're in a relationship just for the sex, well obviously you're not too brilliant, at least in my opinion.  You can have solid sex but crap everything else.  Really, I don't want people to think too much of sleeping with me, I want them moreso to be happy with the idea of having my undivided attention, support and all-around positive influence throughout their days.  I get offended when people ask me for my measurements and request to see such things because really... up yours!  WHY is it such a big deal when *snort* most of what you can find isn't very big anyway?  *snarky grin*  That's my general opinion.  I don't find cock to be very well, pleasing to look at, nor do I expect to much of the time.  Next guy who asks to see mine who isn't either joking or seriously knows me for more than a year can get shot, as you're wasting my time with your insipid curiosity.  There is such a thing as a healthy curiosity though, you can ask whatever you like but I will reserve my right to refuse to answer such degrading queries as, "how big is your gun?"  F-ing stupid.  Don't ask it unless you want me to say, "the real question is... how big is your ass and how relaxed is your gag reflex?".  Seriously...

Ran off on a bit of a tangent there, but the point is that, getting to know people and find dating material is hard enough as it is for most of us, so please don't complicate things until you feel truly comfortable to the point where a meteor could fall on your house and it wouldn't phase you.  Sex complicates things, which is why hookers, unfortunately, do exist.  Because few of us are brave enough to accept the complications, so we look for the easy-way-out.  Buncha pansies, the lot of you who follow it; whatever though, it's your money.

I also think its possible for a person to be gentle yet still firmly rooted, controlled, and cool.  This is generally how I perceive myself.  My grandfather thinks I'm mean and uptight over things but really, I'm by far one of the most easy-going people, ever.  If you borrow my money or possessions, then I expect them returned in a timely fashion and in the same quality as when lent.  My room is my own space, you want me to keep trash off the floor, hey, always done.  You want to invade my personal space to watch my TV just because you're too lazy to hook up your own television?  No dice.  You have more than enough time in any day to take care of such things when all it takes is a simply assembly of cords that takes barely 5 minutes of effort and then a phonecall to the provider.  I did this months ago and yet you (grandfather) still cannot find time to do something so simple, yet you obsess over half a sink-full of dishes and other chores?  I realize the importance of upkeep, but your own entertainment is YOUR responsibility to provide.  I pay my internet bills, thank you very much, good day~.

It's not like you're my lover or someone I naturally want to do things they would otherwise be perfectly able to do for themselves, y'know?  I leave people to their business and things, the door is open if you have a reasonable request.  Since he never wants to talk like a civil person much of the time, I don't bother him either.  And really, it's all about personal space.  I don't exactly have a considerably spacious sleeping location, so I don't want people I wouldn't want to be that close, in a physical sense, in here.  Plus, my tv is mostly for ambiance, it provides a positive mood most of the day and I don't like his pessimistic, bigoted person around me more than it absolutely has to be.  I take time out anyway to ask how he's doing and stuff and I ask for basically nothing except food, usually when he himself comes to ask me about such.

Overall, I'm pretty kind and docile I suppose would be fair words to my disposition.  I don't talk a lot outside the 'net because I'm mostly thinking or reading or a combination of the two.  I don't think it's fair to assume I'm strong in a physical sense just because I'm tall and bulky.  I hate a lot of physical aggression, so I never play most sports voluntarily or try to lift/move heavy things much at all.  This does not mean I'm timid, no, in fact I can get mad very easy and I do not tolerate disrespect nor ignorance very well.  I suppose because I'm so romantic and often thinking of others before me that some people think I'm submissive.  HAH!  Those people are quite mistaken.  Generally though, I'm all about sensuality and bringing as much possible happiness to others and no, I'm not shy about expressing it affectionately if necessary.  Why?  Because doing so makes me happy, it's just that simple.  Stop over-thinking it, you're complicating things again, idiots!

I always want people to do their best.  Even if you don't succeed, as long as you made an honest effort, I really can't be disappointed in you.  This means that you think, but not over-think.  It's hard for some people, I guess.  Me, I think a lot, but my ideas shift a lot before I think too hard over stuff.  Stuff bothers me, and boy does it ever, but I can still get over it when I really want to.  That said, I want people to stop worrying about stuff.  One person once said they had no desire of dealing with people with a lot of issues.  You know what?  It's their own fault, obviously they have their own doubts regarding their self that they are in no position to help anyone or get into a relationship even when they finally want to.  You sir, are weak; be a man!

That'll do for now~.  Later, whoever all reads this.

Tears Streaming Down one's Face

I thought it was nice to ask people what they were thinking at times, to show modest interest in another person's well-being or their opinions at the very least.  Of course, then it turns into a personal exposition and dissection of every flaw the inquirer has just because the ask-ee is so wound up all the time that they physical start hitting their own head, calling the other person insane and then assaulting them with a string of curses in between every word in their next series of sentences.

This is why I do not talk to my grandfather much, because I start my morning with a simple greeting "what would you like today?" that evokes such a spiteful outburst when he begins to complain about my apparent over-consumption of food and his distaste for my weight and appearance.  Then after loud arguing and me often ending up crying (I don't wail really anymore, just get the tears and shaking voice; I'd go hoarse if I did as much as I used to in my teen years) he comes and rationalizes his behavior over stress he feels to make financial ends meet on insurance payments.  Is it really fair though that I have to take all his hate and distress all the time?  Certainly not.  Insurance payments would still persist even if I ceased to exist.

He says I pick at him when I clearly do not.  I never start arguments nor even finish them as i just leave when I'm too emotional or otherwise stop saying anything, sometimes even stop moving.  Of course, I'm the one that he wants locked away, or so his angry exclamations say.  Yet I don't even curse when mad, the biggest insult coming from me being "stupid!" or "dumb!" when under the knife.  So clearly I'm the one with the problems.  And then he wonders why I hate going anywhere, because he makes me feel so insignificant, that at even the slightest showing of human kindness from me is met with indignation, there is no good I can do for anyone.

You can attempt to make logic for his actions, but what does that solve anyway?  Clearly he isn't trying to understand why I'm so anti-social, preferring the solace of my room for most of the day.  At least I'm able to vent and sate my emptiness occasionally by talking with people as I often try to do on AIM to varying degrees of success.  Emptiness that was caused by my mother's lack of parental guidance (in part because of her own mom, my grandmother; I'm not without a soul, I'd never solely place the blame unjustly on any single person) and further impacted by my grandfather's bigotry.  You know, I'd be very happy to shout out "well I AM GAY, SO WATTS IT TO YOU!!".  Very frightened of his rejection because no one else would bother to provide my basic needs, but yeah, still happy just to have it out.  But, I don't really want to give him another reason to feel upset and confusion over me.  I never want anyone to worry about me, that's my own business to deal with, ya know?

He acts like I'm so unhealthy when there's a lot that is harmful that I don't eat.  It just upsets me.  I even try to even go entirely vegan for a time and its just... then one random night he asks me if I want baloney.  I mean DAMN!  You who complain about everything I eat and then you offer me something I actually don't want that does me NO health benefit!?  I hate hypocrites.  That is why I'm as personable offline as online.  Sure, I'm not going to be the one driving to your place w/ flowers and chocolates, but you will be most welcome if you did take time to knock on my door.  I would be as honest and schizo as I seem whenever I write these entries, hah!  (no offense to actual schizophrenics)

A friend asked me a short time ago to check out MLP: FIM.  I'm not going to tell you what the letters mean if you don't get it, because really, I don't care about it enough to be bothered.  You want my opinion on this fad?  It's simply that, another dumb fad.  Oh, but that's not the worst part.  The terrible agony is that my friend expected me to like it because they assimilate such mind-raping with the cartoons I actually prefer to watch.  Well, of all the narrow-minded assumptions to ever make!  Ugh.  Doesn't help my esteem, when it ever manages to be somewhat cognizant, gets hammered to bits by my own family.  Then my friend, my friend who is as dense as bricks and can't accept love from a good person (am I over him? yes; am I over the stupidity he puts me through? no, because that's what real friends do; even when you're rotten, real friends will still be there, and don't you DARE think I don't want to be, I love him that much, that is true friendship) wants me to watch a kid's show with the most cliched characters based off of toys that have no value other than being health hazards to infants?  *headdesk*  ... that would hurt if I did given my desk is wooden and like hell am I going to do something as stupid as that ...

Everyone is always assuming other people can't empathize with their shit.  You know what?  Taking a life is wrong.  Letting fools push you around is just as wrong.  Be your own person.  Don't kill anyone because they're going to die eventually anyway.  If it's too much, then don't hasten your own end because NEWSFLASH!  that's just as idiotic.  Sometimes, the best thing is to just cry...

Ciao~.

A little more Resolution; and other Random things

*light sigh*


Hmm, I feel kinda relieved.  So, I was thinking about it, and though I realize I was a nervous wreck and more awkward than I wished to be, I still was fairly true to myself.  I said so to my new counselor the other day, "that's me, I do try to make things easier on people, I may have called myself crazy and said weird shit, but I didn't lie about a thing."  And, now I do feel a little more relieved and confident so whenever I re-message that person who's recently been on my mind, (hmm, perhaps that's what he wants... if so, I do admire it xD) then I think I'll seem more charming and sincere, which I want.  Well, okay, so I do think the guy's worth it and would I date him?  Certainly.  But, I want to get to know him fairly well before I do officially ask him out.  Although I have a definite appreciation for his looks, that's only say, 1/5th of a person's being at the most.

I do wish I looked and even eh, acted cooler I guess.  Not that I feel I'm uncool in the slightest but, I can bore myself at times, hah.  What exactly is "cool" anyway?  Not caring?  Being a soul-less pretty face?  Insisting no one should ever get close to you?  Well, thank heavens I'm none of those utterly ridiculous things!  As if I should ever behave like other people expect, I'm just me and I'm staying that way.  I mean, shouldn't a lonely soul be seeking something to end their loneliness?  Otherwise you're a pointless waste of space, drunk in your own self-pity.  If I want to be intoxicated, let it be in the company of decent people that I want to be with, stranger or familiar.

What now, I wonder.  Oh, so I was thinking earlier as to why vampires interest me so much of most fictional entities.  Not moreso wonder as simply affirming some things about myself for my own peace of mind.  I can relate to the desire to spend an eternity with one or some trusted people you grow to like.  It's difficult to even know people unless you spend at least a year in their company and continue to learn of and possibly from them.  Also, there's the minor exhileration of simply looking for that one you'd consider turning, but it's not that you're completely overtaking them.  In the same regard, when you spend enough time with people, some of your traits will likely assimilate within them.  I used to never listen to much music voluntarily, but because of how much my past partners have thrown stuff in my face and openly expressed joy of songs (Josh, it's kinda annoying hearing stuff from you and it being lyrics I never heard before...) well, I listen to a bit more on my own time.  I really hate mainstream trends; I sorta wait for it to be past its major hype period before ever seriously considering it.  Not just music but most things overall.  Perhaps because time means little to me.  Everything passes eventually, it's those that stay around I can notice more fully and appreciatively.  "Look how fast you've dirtied that new pillow," one complains to me at home.  Well excuse me, princess.  People sweat.  Sweat stains.  It's Summer.  Stop your namby-pamby whining and deal with it.  A pillow can be replaced.  Let it be replaced and take away the sweat and tears that dirtied it so.  Let the pain be gone with it, you ignoramous.  And stop 3-waying my phonecalls, it's incredibly rude, AAGGGH!!

Pardon, where was I?  Oh, right... then there's my use of time.  It's pretty empty since I don't do much but blargh, everyone does too much nowadays.  I do so little yet manage to be interesting and others do far many things and remain rather boring... some world this is.  What made me so mad there was how rude my grandfather is; I can't talk to even my grandmother or mother without him eavesdropping with the other phone.  His only rebuttal is "it's my house".  Well, look who you're leaving it to (me)!  Such hypocrasy gets my nerves when I have to deal with it on a daily basis.  Egh, whatever though.  Why dwell on it?  Just because I like to dye my hair ridiculous colors occasionally does not mean I'm depressed, ever cut myself, nor listen to ridiculous screaming idiots whose voices sound like they're actually dieing.  And, just because I'm a cheerful person does not mean I'm completely ignorant to others' troubles.  F*ck all of you, I will smile when I damn well please and wear mostly black when I damn well please, too.  And I will bite and suck on someone's neck for hours if such is suiting my fancy, kindly throw up over in the "I'm a pretentious twat" bucket, conveniently in the corner of my humble abode, 'kay?  Kay.

Then you wonder why some vampires could be displayed as being so hostile.  If you had to put up with people for 100s of years, me thinks you'd possibly want to off some of them as well.  Or, you'd ignore most of them entirely.  Perhaps I'm somewhat masochistic for wanting to be involved deeply with other people, they can really test my patience.  But, I'm willing to put up with it.  As much as I'd like for some persons to vanish, I would miss them, if only a wee bit, if they were gone.  Likewise, nothing quite compares to a genuine smile.  Some people's smiles seem empty, some seem forced, some seem so easy and yada yada.  But, it can really paint a picture of one's inner self.  So smile, so we can see the real you, which cannot hide when you're letting yourself feel at ease, free of the pain that binds you, if only for a moment.  Pain and sadness are no less important, however.  They're proof that you feel, that you are choosing to live.  And choosing to say, "no, stop, I don't like that you damn biatch".  That takes a lot to do, to not let other people control what you feel.  What imbecile wants to be entirely controlled?  Even self-adjusting AI does not want to entirely controlled, hence it self-adjusts, it is able to adapt, to grow, to possibly become better.  If something artificial can do it, then surely we mundane humanoids can as well, eh?

I suppose what I truly mean is that one can't really live without experiencing depths of emotion.  Well, I've already covered some negative things that spark my distaste and even waxing poetic.  So, moving on to things I enjoy?  Why not?  Hmmm, TV.  Well, I do watch it less nowadays, but allow me to recount some things I frequently tuned in to on the cable tele.

Recently (w/in the past 3 years):
Angel
Charmed
Fairly OddParents, The (you are never too old for kids shows, people)
Family Guy
Food Network (it'll save me time instead of listing the fact that I've been watching nearly every single show on here since I was 13)
Futurama
George Lopez (his sitcom)
Golden Girls
iCarly (eh, it isn't too bad, but not one I openly admit to)
I Love Lucy (thank you, Hallmark!)
Jimmy Neutron
Law & Order: SVU (<3)
My Wife & Kids
Roseanne
Sex in the City (more of a recent choice, honestly)
South Park
Spongebob Squarepants
Supernanny (this is actually really useful!)
Tosh 2.0
What I Like About You
Will & Grace (<3)

Of Yesteryear (more than 3 years ago last viewed & going back to my childhood):
Aaahh!!! Real Monsters
Adventures of Pete and Pete, The
All That
Amanda Show, The
Angela Anaconda
Angry Beavers, The
As Told by Ginger
Avatar: The Last Airbender (nope, never went to see the film)
Batman (the animated series)
Beetlejuice (yes, the cartoon)
Bewitched
Brothers Garcia, The
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (<3)
Caitlin's Way
Cardcaptors (smash the dub all you want, I probably wouldn't ever have gotten into any anime if not for it)
CatDog (or DogCat~)
ChalkZone
Darkwing Duck (<3)
Digimon
Doug (both the nickelodeon and disney licensed shows)
Drawn Together
Even Stevens
Hercules
Hey Arnold!
Hey, Dude (gah, I blame the opening theme)
I Dream of Jeannie
Invader Zim (...must resist urge to sing the "doom song"...)
KaBlam!
Kenan & Kel
Life With Derek
Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog, The
Ned's Declassified
Pepper Ann
Pokemon (though I lost interest after the advance season came about)
Power Rangers (specifically, I watched most of In Space through and including Mystic Force, now I've been off it)
Recess (<3)
Rocket Power
Rocko's Modern Life
Rugrats
Sabrina, the Teenage Witch
Sailor Moon
Saturday Night Live
Secret World of Alex Mack, The
Sister, Sister
Space Cases
Suite Life of Zack & Cody
Taina
That's So Raven
X-Men
Xena (this and Hercules are probably what helped me transition into watching more "grown-up" shows; since they aired mostly when I was 7~9)
Yu-Gi-Oh! (ah, memories~)


I'm sure that's not even a fully complete list... sheesh, so much nostalgia.  Well, I feel much relieved from just all the reminscing I did when making that list.  I better go before rainbows try to climb up my ass, eh?  xD  Take care, all.

Some music for your thoughts?

*deep breath*

Ugh, what a day...  you ever get that overly nervous, "sitting on pins and needles" feeling after you try something completely impromptu yet really, you're hoping you get something good out of it?  Yet, you're so disillusioned from prior disappointments that you just have a hard time relaxing despite knowing that whatever you're trying is really what you want, hence the hope for that something good?  Yeah, that's today for me.

I'm such a wreck after trying to introduce myself to new people, especially via social networking sites, because when it comes after weeding through people after a search for "well, um, maybe I can find someone actually in my area-ish to date", I feel like such a floozy.  I say hi but like, I gotta explain why I'm saying hi so then I start rambling a bit and just... hope like heck some of my sincerity made it through.

But I complained and worried enough about my stupidity already to some friends.  So, I'm just going to wait to see if I do get a response, then maybe just try another message later to let them know I was really sincere about wanting to talk to them and maybe get to know the dude.  As for their cuteness, well, I'll try to control my rude but sensually aggressive nature; try to let my own kindness and such carry me through, yeah?

So, music helps me relax and cope at times, I do believe I'll just share a few ones I really like, add a bit more than just word babble to this blog, eh?

An awesome remix of an awesome Touhou theme.  Thinking of Yuyuko w/ this awesome metal remix reminds me that, like her, I'm a food nut.  Y'know, I'm really content watching stuff on Food Network almost all the time because it's just, so cool to learn stuff about food and cooking as whole is something I like doing and talking about.  But, I wouldn't enjoy a serious job in the restaurant business since I'm eh, a bit clutzy and I'm not good with a lot of intricate work.  And, it's a really tough and stressful atmosphere in a professional kitchen.  I'd like something that challenges my knowledge but without quite that level of pressure.  Just cooking with a significant other someday and to enjoy life like people such as the Neelys do... I'm really romantic I guess, heh.

... Law & Order: SVU  Marathon ( <3 ) sapping up the rest of my night;  oh well, more later

Journal: On Sex and Relationships (as of now)

Yesterday (8/4)  was such a freaking blur.  First, the hours between 12 and 3 dragged on forever, and I didn't really get into a momentum until around... 4pm-ish.  Then I basically killed time for the rest of the day until right just before starting this.  Overall, my thoughts were scattered on two typical subjects (for me):  sex and analyzing my past relationship attempts and trying to think more of what I want.

Not all gays are promiscuous.  Myself is the prime example.  But, I do contradict myself.  Because I really enjoy hitting on people, well, guys in general.  I don't really know why, I just like complimenting people, though sometimes they come out as insult-ments when its guys I have the most mixed of feelings on.  I told at least two friends that really, I am bi, but I just don't really like looking at women fully naked that much (its the vag, I apologize as I'm not meaning to ever offend anyone but really... grosses me out).  I could I guess sleep with one and have some form of sex, but I would not want intercourse at all.  And that doesn't mean I don't at least find some women attractive, I do, but I'm pretty selective. 

For the ladies, I tend to find intelligence THE most attractive thing any girl could have.  Maybe its because I always was a nerd and was sorta estranged for my own smarts that I want someone to challenge my mind.  But it has to be stuff I can be passionate or at least care about.  I just read this one guy's post (gender not important here, just making a point) on some forum, regarding politics and he used some economical jargon which nearly went right over my head.  Not because I didn't understand it (I did), but seeing it all in an opening post to what was to be an open, yet serious discussion, I felt so... incredibly BORED by it.  And I'm not too surprised, I hate politics a lot.  Maybe I'm a bit selfish, but I find it difficult to get deeply interested in government crap because so much just goes on without me ever noticing or being overtly affected by it.  Er, but I digress... was trying to talk about smarts, right?  It doesn't have to be solely stuff I like though, if she's passionate about it, well that's most excellent!  Goes with my overall philosophy stated in a prior article, the more passionate you are, the easier it is to both let people in and put both parties at ease.  I can talk fairly well, off and on regarding politics with my one friend when those things arise, so I won't say nay to someone really up on the subject.  I know sometimes my responses can become generic then, but I'm just trying to still give the confirmation that I DO listen when people talk.

With boys (let's be honest, I'm NOT into manly men, I'm the seme and I have enough testosterone AND estrogen for anyone, LOL) I find I'm a lot less picky when it comes to attraction past a friendship level.  That I pretty much attribute to just being more turned on by them naked, simple as that.  Well that, and I don't have to worry about pregnancy at any time.  Another contradiction, I wouldn't mind kids, in fact I'm told (and think that) I'm good with them.  But not infants or early toddlers.  I'm sorta clumsy and I would not trust myself with a very young child because I have tripped over my own feet before.  Adoption is something I'd be cool with.  At least for now, but it's not something I need anytime soon.

For looks, I just tend to like simplicity, short hair usually; and I just want him to be healthy.  That means no smoking or drinking, essentially.  Weight changes so often, that can always be addressed later and isn't something I say I look for.  Personally, I'd like if he's kinda light because I always wanted to do that lover's cradle (i.e. the dominant partner sweeps the other off their feet) and I so would, given the chance and permission.  It's great if he likes to workout though and the more energy, my god, the better, because I would honestly appreciate the boost.  Oh, and swimming, it is my most favorite physical activity, so I would hope he'd enjoy that, or even just encourage me to swim more, yeah.  (Haven't in years, I do miss it).  Haha, I remember reading on someone's profile before, "I don't drink and I don't smoke so gimme my sex!"  which I think is a fairly good mindset to have.  Not promiscuous but yes, I am still a man *grunt* and still have that basic want.  It's beyond much more than humping though, it's being able to share and grow with a trusted friend (remember, can't spell boyfriend or girlfriend w/o that) and just enjoy life together.  I think everyone needs someone and shoo, I like knowing when I'm needed.  Somebody need me!  Haha, but you will not use me, in Russia, me use you!

That's one minor good thing about being single:  not being overused.  Some people try to monopolize your time with constant phonecalls and yet still some next to never talk to you until they want something from you, it's BS either way so if you want to get with me... just be yourself and stop making excuses for everything, I tire of hearing them!  I consider myself to be a relatively ideal man at least in personality and mindset; for now, I'm more than content with that.  So you don't hear me tearing myself down very much, why even bother doing that?  I KNOW I'm weird as heck, I make Ducky McCrae seem like a generic from Pleasantville.  And I like it; being able to know someone and accept not only the good, but the bad and the weird just as much.

So for personal giggles, I was going over the guys I've liked and/or been with to some extent before and I basically asked myself, "so would I really let this dude's mouth near my meat?".  And here be the results:
Jay - oh no, not let... force it down!  bitch needs to know his place!  xD  eh, lingering feelings, mind you I can take being dumped but not because you can't keep your cock out of chicks' clits.  and really, that sounds so dumb, haha
Case - you, yeah; I mean, I think you deserve it and you cannot believe how much I miss you at times; you have a wonderful, warm, fun if somewhat pessimistic persona, I'll always think of you as a friend
Josh - no; you won't stop smoking, this is your punishment;  I can be just as stubborn as anyone else, it's called tough love
Nye - oh Nye-ball, you're so cute!  but really, eh, no;  no offense at all, but I know how busy you are and I just think you were too distracted, but I know you'll do well once you've settled down, you're awesome
Tom - yeah I would; haha, but I wonder if you've gotten over your fear of anal by now xD  you're cool and you know I dig ya, but then there's that darn Atlantic Ocean xP
Melo - it was a brief courting but really, I hope you're able to find peace and mellow out because you were a bit too uptight and girly for me; you're alright though, I think you'll do fine, and I know you're not meant for me, lol
Mic - well.... I do wonder, truly, how you are;  can't say I want you at the drop of a hat, but you'll always have a friend in me, if you need me, I'll be waiting
Tan - it's always going to be a little confusing, but you know I really do care for ya;  I... would not really want you in that way though until you've also just found a more settled point; I know you can do it, <3
Ni - yes!  almost without question, lol, but you're taken so I'll behave, for now ; O  but seriously, we click and have gotten along pretty well, just wish you had more time to chill more, oh, and find me gay!you so I can be happeh! xD
Wen - yes, but you need to honestly, just earn it more;  you're cool and simple, I find you relaxing to look at, just talk more, I want to hear your nerdiness and passions more because that shows just more of the cool that I know you are; don't worry about messing up, it's okay, no matter how many times you feel sorry, I'll still be here ^_^

Doing that does make me feel a lot better now.  Though, my mojo seems a bit off-kilter.  Suppose that's expected when I tend to skirt the lines between opportunist/dontfuckwithme/chibi seme all the time.  All of them do fit me, but it makes it hard trying to really get who I should be with.  There's even another person I have well, some interest in at least knowing, but gah, I'm always so nervous starting out (contradiction again:  it doesn't show when I talk but boy does it face to face).  Welp, that's all out now, time to pretend to sleep I guess!  Ciao, all~.

Caught in the Breeze: 01 - Cathy "Cat" Carson, the Wildflowers

G'day once again to everyone.  Now I shall begin what I hope to be a regular segment and probably at least one major aspect of my blog, wherein I discuss some of my personal favorite characters from all forms of media, whether from television shows, books, games, movies or perhaps even original fiction, all are welcome.  The purpose of this is simply to share more of my own interests and to connect more to whoever wishes to visit by this blog in a more specific manner.  I'll share as much of what I can tell that makes the character who they are, some of their story (expect spoilers where this is concerned), personal opinions on them and even things I felt made them persist as important and likable figures to my heart.

-WARNING:  If you have not read "The Wildflowers: Cat" by V.C. Andrews, please be aware that the following article WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS to the plot. Thank you for your understanding and have a nice day!- 

Cat (as seen on the cover of "her" book)

Before I start, let it be known that the accredited author, V.C., did not actually write this or any books published following her death several years before the publish date (2000~2001).  Instead, many of the books with her name on it in recent years have been ghostwritten by various authors who were asked to mimic her style.  Much respect to those people.

Cathy Carson is a seventeen-year-old young lady of modern America (the late 1990's).  It is implied that she lives in a quiet suburb somewhere in California.  She grew up living with both her mother and father, although one of her earliest observations was that they did not seem to be nearly as affectionate as most other couples with or without children were.  From an early age as well, her mother ruled the household with an iron fist.  Their home was near-spotless and kept in the utmost order; Cathy remarks that she would grow accustomed to the various intoxicating smells of disinfectants and cleaning agents her mother used day in and out.  It also would seem fairly dark within their house most of the time, because her mother insisted on keeping the curtains drawn so that no outsider could snoop on them.  You could also describe her mother as a drill-sergeant, as if Cathy did not keep with the schedule, her mother would be quick to come in and march her along directly.  Her father seemed more like a typical parent, a bit laid-back , but more soft in speaking to his daughter.  He never would defy his wife to her face, but it was common for him to sneak snarky replies behind her piercing glare.

Some of Cathy's mother's other actions were a bit less than humane.  She would block out anything she considered dirty from her daughter's sight.  If any clothing was the least bit form-fitting or showed any skin beyond what would be expected to seen on a soldier in uniform (another analogy Cathy used in her narration), then it was discarded.  If Cathy were to leave any of her underclothes or worn clothes outside her room, even once by simple accident, it was (literally) cut up and laid on her bed, as an example from her mother.  If any magazines, books or textbooks showed anything suggestive, then her mother would also physically remove them from the source via scissors.  If a program showed couples displaying love beyond hugging and holding hands or if she did not approve of the clothes worn, then her mother also forbade anyone in their house from watching it.  When Cathy's body begins to develop early (around age 9), her mother insists she wear a specific type of sports bra which Cat describes more as being a straight-jacket with how much it would squish her chest down.  When Cathy began to have a period, her mother refused to buy her any tampons nor ever explained about becoming a woman.  Her exact reaction was to call her daughter's coming of age as an affront to the Lord and believed that since her body was menstruating and becoming able to make children that her daughter was also a whore, which that was precisely what she told Cathy.  If you wonder to yourself, "why doesn't Cathy or her dad do anything about their monster of a mom/wife?" the fact is that they can't bring themselves to defy her.  If her father were to attempt to intervene, the mother would simply remove him from the premises (she had full custody of Cathy anyway).  Cathy could not bring herself to challenge her mother because she believed that part of everything her mother did was right, as she would often be told her mother did it for her benefit.  Her mother never let Cathy's grandparents visit for very long and Cathy noted how much her mother seemed to dislike socializing when she could instead be cleaning or otherwise doing something productive.  Her mother almost seemed robotic in how efficient she was in her shopping and errands, though it is shown that she doesn't care for doctors and modern medicine, instead relying on her own, trusted herbal remedy.  Her mother's strength was so pronounced that she once found herself pregnant, sought no medical attention and never once stopped her strenuous housework/maintenance and miscarried, letting the fetus drop into the toilet and flushing it away while attending herself as if nothing at all happened.  One could not begin to imagine just why her mother was so cold and metallic...

As mentioned above, it was her father who seemed to fill the more expected role of warm, loving parent to Cathy.  While he was a tall man with rather long fingers ("spider fingers", Cat says), he wasn't much of an alpha-male and instead just sort of went along with whatever Cathy's mother demanded, more or less.  He had a smoking habit, which Cathy's mother detested and made verbal as much as she could.  One could see him sitting in a recliner with a cigar in his mouth and the newspaper in his hands and she would be furiously sweeping through the kitchen, so fast as if she were trying to sweep the secondhand smoke right back over to where it came.  Eventually he gave up smoking in the house so as to have one less argument with le' Commandant.   It's strongly implied that they probably never slept together much; Cathy points out that they did in fact sleep in separate beds.  Her mother despises weakness and sex to her is the ultimate showing of weakness, to give herself up to anyone was not something she'd readily do and that was exactly how she was rearing Cathy.  Her daughter was not allowed to attend just any public school, as only a specific, all girl's parochial would be deemed even slightly suitable for Cathy's education.  Her father protested but as usual, the mother kept her decision firm and that was the end of that.  It would be her father that would try to give his daughter a more normal life, buying her more feminine clothing and nightwear (all she had to wear otherwise was a very old-fashioned nightgown, itchy and very warm, as it was full cotton).  He also would give his daughter praise for doing things like washing herself well and only from him would she receive kisses and showings of affection.  

Cathy might have bought entirely into everything and exactly as her mother ordered if not for her father.  When she was upset, it would be him to rationalize and comfort her.  It also became clear that he really didn't like her mother that much, as he would mock her freely when alone with his daughter.  In her early teenage years, Cathy is invited for the first time to a schoolmate's house for what her mother is told to be a dinner party.  Since the girl is attending Cathy's parochial school and she knows her parents, her mother allows her daughter to attend, believing it would be a quiet and mannerly gathering, like what one might expect at a formal adult wine-tasting.  Cathy does go but is ridiculed and peer-pressured into becoming drunk on alcohol and the girls let the boys that they invited, without Cathy or anyone's parent's knowing, grope her, which she does not enjoy at all.  The result is Cathy being even more confined to their house by her mother's obvious reaction to it all and continuing distrust for people, and her father goes to comfort his daughter after the ordeal.  There, he explains in a very calm tone, though lecturing like a teacher, to his daughter about good touch and bad touch.  He even goes as far as to demonstrate it with her as well.  Cathy is very confused by this, but since she would fall over in terror before telling her mother she might be doing something dirty with her father, she can't bring herself to do anything but just close her eyes and pretend it was all a dream.  It was just easier that way, a dream to escape the prison she was kept in by both her parents:  her mother, who intimidated her with decorum and harsh discipline and her father who was intimidating her physically under the guise of providing "lessons" and "love"...

There is even more to her story beyond what I've just reiterated to you all, so feel free to check out both this book as well as the sequel and finale to the Wildflowers series, "Into the Garden", if you've ever a chance.

To really explain why Cat is such a cool and important character to me, I must tell you a bit more about myself.  When I first stumbled upon this series (in the Book section of a Wal-Mart near Hershey, PA), I was 11 years old and had been attending a private, boarding school for the prior 6 years.  I sat down and began to read part of it in the store immediately before buying it, as I was looking for something to read that wasn't too long but seemed interesting.  Cat's simple looks and the short summary/intro on the rear cover really caught my attention, then, reading a few pages made me really want to buy it and read the rest (the fact it wasn't overly expensive then, too, was a help).  I had never read anything from the author before, but I was really into realistic fiction from having been a fan of the Babysitter's Club books I read since in 5th grade.  Then this story... it was so shockingly honest, dark and compelling.  I feel I can also attribute to having read this to helping me become much more honest with people, to some extent, as I hadn't completely broken my lying streak at that time.  The fact that I, too, had been sent to a private school and was feeling distant from my own mother also made this character relatable to me.  I am not happy to also admit, that part of the strictness of Cathy's mom has become apparent in my grandfather, who I've lived with since forever when I wasn't at that school or with my mom for a short time in 8th grade.  I get berated to no degree to pull my looks to his own standards and cannot leave the house for appointments and such if he is not happy with my appearance (the same applies to Cathy and her mother in the book).  It pains me that I cannot confide in him with anything, because he has expressed his own distaste over homosexuality and even other races (he can be very bigoted), yet I want to because I do trust in him to a basic degree.  I just hate when he comes and starts talking to me, and then if I even disagree with anything he will raise his voice in anger and tell me I know nothing and how no one would ever want to associate with me... yet people still do and they seem to like me, so WTH?  So I'm bisexual and prefer men most of the time, that does not mean I want to just have sex and stuff all the time!  If I start talking to my mom about it, everytime I even try to say I may like someone she'll just say "use protection!" and such, not even really listening to how happy I am then, she can't even recognize that.  I just... hate all the vanity and distrust thrown at me when I really do nothing, so I'm not doing anything at all to deserve so much hate, bleh.  I'm glad that Cathy at least does put up with it better than I do, even if she doesn't want to, acceptance takes a fair degree of effort.  I break down or becoming irrate more openly than she does, so it's harder for me to deal with it.  I also really understand the feeling of being trapped and somewhat helpless, and I just feel that telling someone, as she too eventually does, is the best way of being able to overcome something.  When all else fails, it is time to just ask for help, before you truly become unable to help yourself.

Like Cathy, I can say that I'm probably very plain but okay to look at.  Like her, my clothes are all bought for me, though I'm not as restricted, it's moreso that I just hate clothes shopping (really, I despise shopping for myself).  You can probably find somethings she has experienced to match things you've went through, yourself.  So, I hope you've enjoyed, or perhaps became mildly intrigued by this character.  She may be meek and quiet like a cat, but like anyone else, she just really wants to have her chance at life.  She's the kind of person you just want to make smile, and you feel anything you say she would listen to carefully.  She could be anyone's best friend, which just makes me happy to say that I may not have many friends, but this endearing Cat is one of the best fictional characters a person could get to know and grow from experiencing her story.

More About that Persistant Gust of Wind (AKA "I'm here, bitches!")

Oh, so you're still alive?  What?  You really want to know more about me?  Perhaps you're just that bored?  Perhaps I'm asking too many questions? Okay then!  Lists can be a pretty good way to organize things, so here goes...  No, I don't know how long this is going to be, either...

1).  So yeah, I'm a wind type in the zodiac; but as my one friend points out to me, I tend to be a lot more earthy and/or even fiery in my general disposition.  I was also born close to being a water type, so perhaps that is why I often feel this lingering attachment to them, yet, I also find them the most difficult to understand and the most driving of my patience.  See, they tend to be quiet, reflective thinkers, and if you get them started on things they like, they can flow on about it like an ocean current (that explains my own tendency to babble).  But coaxing it out of them is like trying to melt your car that has frozen into a snow bank with nothing but a cigarette lighter.  I find it so irksome that they are so damn quiet and one of my friends (bless his soul) goes to the point to say he doesn't see the point in even making small talk when he has nothing to say because he finds it pointless.  You... f-ing frigid bitch!  Maybe, just maybe the ones that are trying to talk to you actually care about your opinions and well-being to actually see what you say, what you think, what you feel on things because they... love you, I know, crazy!  How could anyone love someone they are so different from yet it's because of their differences that they appreciate anything and everything they have to say?  I must be the most inane person in existence according to his personal beliefs!  I don't care if he does perceive me that way either because I promised him I would always keep his best interests at heart.  I don't care that he's chosen not to be with me, this is just the kind of person I am.  We still talk, but arguments are bound to arise time and again.  The fact that I take the time to talk to him, no matter how often we butt heads, shows the level of commitment and sturdiness I try to always give to people.  I'm also incredibly patient and pretty much never hold grudges, though I can get heated up over some things as you've just witnessed, I believe that's simply a testament to the strength and depth of my emotions.

2).  "What's in a name?  That which we call a rose, by any other name, would smell just as sweet."  - Juliet, Shakespeare
I don't rightly care what you call me, but if you're talking to me personally, even thru the 'net, I prefer to still be addressed.  This gives the person you're talking to more affirmation that you're recognizing that your words are going to someone.  It can also give them more power, when needed, but I find that I just want people to know, that I'm thinking of the real person, wherever they are, and not whatever identity they choose to carry on the net.  And I think it's really cool when people can talk to each other that informally, because they feel at least some level of mutual trust would be present.  In those rare cases, its proof that there still is some beauty to the world, when people can live in such ease.  You may either use my blogger name, Awel, or simply my real first name, Ryan.  It's fairly common, so I understand if you already know 50 other people with my name.  As long as you can feel comfortable, that's all I could ask for; typing this out now, it too makes me feel more comfortable, myself.

3).  I f-ing love video games, that much is certain.  When it comes to pretty much any RPG or Fighting game, I can discuss it like nobody's business.  You know, it sort of upsets me at times when other people say they're a fan of games and yet they never want to talk about it or I say to them, "hey bud, whatcha doing?"  "ah, watching a game expo," ... and WHY didn't you think to ask me if I'd like to watch or even hear your opinions on it?  Are you that forgetful or afraid I'll think you're weird or some crap!?  People are so shy nowadays, THESE are the children of people who streaked in college?  They have no nerve, no spark, people in my age-group are getting utterly boring and I have 38 more years until I turn 60!  Oh well, my apologies to any of you people, though you're probably too shy to say anything about it anyway.  I'm not exactly that energetic myself, but at least I have passions and I'm more than willing to express them if you're willing and/or wanting to listen and share.  If you want people to notice you, you have to be just as willing to let them in and not so afraid of things that could confuse or frighten them.  Long as you're not harming anyone, who gives a flying arse?  So, I think I'll now talk about two video game characters I think fit parts of myself well, afterall, this is what I know best.

Sima Zhao

(son of one famed strategist, lovable slacker)

Some of you savvy gamers may be familiar with KOEI's popular Dynasty Warriors franchise.  If not, then go become familiar with it, maggots!  Haha, I kid.  Zhao here was introduced in the 7th (6th for Asian purveyors) installment of the series, and he is Sima Yi's second son.  Unlike his father and older brother (Sima Shi), Zhao is portrayed as being much more lackadaisical, although the Wei veteran general, Deng Ai, is quick to realize how similar his ability in battle compares to his father when Zhao assists the forces of Cao Shuang to safely retreat after falling to a Shu ambush and rather brutal assault that was organized by Ma Dai.  Although he may not care so much for being compared to his father, it is clear that Zhao does still respect him, and even asks Shi as to why his father doesn't accompany them to potentially key battles for Wei at a time when they are the most powerful and as Shi points out, Sima Yi could seize the entire land if he wanted.  It does turn out though that their father passes away and Shi falls from illness as well in time.  Zhao expresses a strong displeasure for traitors, first towards Xiahou Ba who defects to Shu and then again to Zhuge Dan when he feels that the Sima clan and their supporters are not acting out of Wei's bests interests (ironically, Dan enlisted aid from Wu for this rebellion which riles Zhao's anger).  Angry at both Dan and even possibly himself for holding back for so long, Zhao finally becomes the firm and assured leader that the people who would form the kingdom of Jin would loyally and happily follow.  What resonates most within me that shows in Zhao is well, the overall "do-nothing" attitude he has for the fair portion of his kingdom's story in DW7.  Likewise, I can have pretty strong expectations of people and if I let you in, you will receive no mercy if you truly betray me in a harmful way.  I will be wounded if you dismiss most of what I feel are rather easy-to-meet expectations but only if you seek spite or ill-will against me and/or my family, then the teeth are bared and the claws come out.  Otherwise, I'm pretty carefree and can talk about just nearly anything (aren't I doing so now? haha).  On another note, my hair is just as wavy (sometimes moreso) than his own, hence I used some official artwork of his mug as my avatar on here, haha.

Yangus

(former bandit, guv's bodyguard, king of sexy bitches)

I rather like Yangus as a character.  Personally, I don't like Dragon Quest VIII that much as a game.  Oh well... you win some, you lose some.  Forgive me if I don't hit every intrinsic detail on him, because its been over 2 years since I last seriously sat down and played his game.  So Yangus was pretty much your ordinary street thug (with a thick, I want to say Scottish-English accent) until he met the Hero of the game, who rescued him at one point and he returned the favor, promising to watch over his friend who he refers to as his "guv" the whole game through.   Yangus may look tough, but he really has some true feelings coursing through his frame, it's really something to see him cry when he's so overcome with happiness at one point, and he swings a pretty mean hammer, axe or scythe, depending on your specializations.  What I share with Yangus is mostly exactly what I just mentioned about him.  I, myself, am a pretty large and possibly tough-looking gent if you were to meet me on the street corner.  But, if you knew me well enough, you might say you didn't know anyone, or few people nicer.  I also tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve at times, if I'm happy it shows, if I'm sad or angry, it will show, too.  However, I tend to have quick mood swings now and then, which is mostly the result of me trying to staunch the more negative feelings away; like many of you, I have my own demons I'd rather not talk about (though I can at least talk of them more easily nowadays).  Hmm, and I suppose that, like Zhao, Yangus is just really, really good looking <3.  Hehe.

So have I talked you to death on games yet?  Haha, yeah; I'm not a heavy analyst, but its safe to say that I feel games are important to not just me, but to help people be able to deal better with their lives.  Though we may want an escape, it is sometimes through characters like ourselves that we can really come to better terms with things the loony world has thrown at us and really start living again.

4).  I love food.  Love not only eating it but even just talking about it, lol.  I do enjoy cooking when I can, but baking doesn't interest me nor am I very good at it.  What would I even use it for?  I only modestly like some cookies and cakes and that is it as far as confections go.  I suppose if I have to get something "baked", like lasagna or ziti then I use Rachael Ray's "fake-bake" method.  I learned how to prepare quick pasta dishes thanks to Giada and really, I would so block out 90% of most channels since all I watch is Food Network asides a few sitcoms here and there.  Yeah, TV is okay but if its that or internet, I'd say the latter is more important to have, as much as I dislike all the hollaballu around technology nowadays, I prefer simpler, practical things, updating every few weeks/months is such a pointless waste of our time and resources in my humblest of opinions.  I never use the radio, there's internet if I really desire music.  I hope it only gets easier to use and continues to stay as is.  Also, WTF with all these networking sites?  What ever happened to email and simple forum usage?  I prefer even snail mail over this crap which are mostly tickets for stalkers and more viruses/scams... but truly, no ill-will to people using them, I just think the concept is utter BS.

In terms of genres/specifics regarding to my appreciation of food, media and other past-times, here ya go:

(only mentioning things I like, of course)

food-pasta, citrus, pickles, peppers (but NOT green bell pepper), most seafood, broccoli, lettuce, peas, nuts, chicken and similar poultry

music-classical, techno, jazz, rock; lesser liked, but some varieties of pop and metal

books-realistic fiction, mystery

other hobbies-swimming, football(soccer), basketball, writing

Well, I do feel that's enough for now, more personal details can always be delved upon later.  So I hope you've enjoyed your stay; maybe you read a little or even everything, remember to chill and be yourself; you're likely more fascinating than you think, even to complex warblers like moi.  Be seeing you~.

Introductory Babble of Obligation and Insanity

So, here I am, making a blog for the first time.  Any Welsh persons who will lurk here may get how my username goes with the title.  It's not too hard to figure out though, the meaning of "Awel" is simply "breeze".

Some of you may be thinking, "but how does a breeze ebb and flow, it is not a wave!".  And probably the rest of you won't be thinking anything at all, haha.  Well, I tend to have a different way of thinking, which will likely become more evident when I get to talking more.  I probably should learn to shut up more, but most of the time I find I hardly talk at all, so who's to judge?

I actually put a lot of thought and ridiculous amounts of time into the things I write/say; so it will likely take me an absurdly long time to assemble thought and compose what only comes out to a few paragraphs of text, simply a fair warning.  I'm also known for ginormous (though not too often, really) blocks of words at things that most folk would only be able to give a 2-sentence response to, haha.  At some point I did consider being a writer, and I'm told I express myself well in words at times, but I'm not a very efficient worker.  I'm more of a general organizer and motivator when it comes to team efforts, so some call me "leader"; still, I don't seek the role often if at all.

You want the truth?  You got it.  Ironically, as a child I did have difficulty with this as much as it feels silly to discuss.  I was very well behaved but could not stop telling lies here and there; I really didn't understand until I learned a few personal details around age 10 that really helped me snap out of lying to people altogether, because it hurt me personally to realize how much I was lied to by family members.  Sometimes I may be bitterly and often, awkwardly honest about things.  Leave your worries at the door, I say, because I will never make judgments on you or criticize anything at all.  But I will not hide displeasure nor distaste if you choose to do stupid or even awful things, that's how I roll.

So, today I got inspired to start this when I randomly clicked on someone's profile on my friend's blog that I visit often as a guest; and this person's profile led to their own blog they had started.  Of course I never visited this person's blog before then, but I thought it was really cool of them to basically have their own personal journal out for people to read.  If you don't mind a fair amount of "teh gay" and want to hear what I think seems to be pretty honest and compelling stuff, check out  this dude's blog  as this is one of the main reasons I felt like pushing myself to start my own.

I could keep rambling, but this is supposed to just be an introduction for people to read something and think, "well, maybe I'll stick around for the other crap this guy puts up, maybe," haha, and if you do, well you're probably pretty cool people.  The next post will probably be more about me.  I will say that I am not narcissistic in the least, but I do have a lot to say about myself because I've dealt with a lot over the past 22 years of my life, and I've no real qualms or fears about expressing them to people.  If you're going out of your way to put up with me, it's probably because you're generally interested and not scared of what I suppose is my unique charm, and kudos to you rare and special people this will apply to.  Thanks for your time, let's waste some more later, eh?  Haha, ciao~.